About : universal furniture nightstands
Title : universal furniture nightstands
universal furniture nightstands
♪ in the not-too-distant future ♪ ♪ next sunday ad ♪ ♪ there was a guy named joel ♪ ♪ not too different from you or me ♪ ♪ he worked at gizmonic institute ♪ ♪ just another face in a red jumpsuit ♪ ♪ he did a good job cleaning up the place ♪ ♪ but his boss didn't like him so he shot him into space ♪ ♪ we'll send himcheesy movies ♪
♪ the worst we can findla-la-la ♪ ♪ he'll have to sit and watch them all ♪ ♪ and we'll monitor his mind la-la-la ♪ ♪ now keep in mind joel can't control ♪ ♪ where the movies begin or end ♪ ♪ because he used those special parts ♪ ♪ to make his robot friends ♪ ♪ robot roll call cambot! ♪ - ♪ pan left ♪ - ♪ gypsy! ♪
- ♪ hi girl! ♪ - ♪ tom servo! ♪ - ♪ what a cool guy ♪ - ♪ croooow! ♪ ♪ wisecracker ♪ ♪ if you're wondering how he eats and breathes ♪ ♪ and other science facts la-la-la ♪ ♪ then repeat to yourself "it's just a show ♪ ♪ i should really just relax ♪ ♪ for mystery science theater 3000!" ♪ - one, two, three.
okay, let's seewhat we've got here. tom's got paper again. scissors cuts paper, i win. - ow, ow, ow. - okay, crow, it's our turn,okay, come on, come on. one, two, three. okay, as you can see here,crow's got scissors. rock crushes scissors,and aghh! - agh, ow, ow.
- okay, let's do it again. oh, hi, everybody. welcome to the satelliteof love and joel and the bots here,and i was just teaching the boys about a game we used toplay on earth when i was a kidcalled "rock, paper, scissors." okay, let's do it again, okay.one, two-- voice on pa: movie's on in 15 seconds. joel, i hope you're not playing too rough with those two.
- no, ma'am.okay, here we go. agh! agh! there. - what was that for?- yeah, joel, play fair. - did you just call"do over," crow? - what?- crow calls "do-over." okay, let's do over,the three of us this time, okay, one, two-- - wait to go, crow,my arm's getting numb. - okay, let's see.
hm, looks likehe's got paper again. - i'm always paper, joel. - rock cuts paper. okay and, oh,this is kind of interesting 'cause look at this, crow. it's like you got scissorsand i got scissors this time. isn't that something? - i guess that makes useven then, huh? - well, no, mine arereally sharp scissors.
- agh! ow! ow, ow. - commercial sign three, two, one. commercial sign now. - you guys want to playmumbly peg now? - no, no. - gypsy crushes joel. - we'll be right back.my babies. - gypsy!- thank you, gypsy. [♪♪♪]
- oh, my achin' noggin. - yeah?well, serves you right for taking advantage ofthese little charmkins. - oh yeah. well, you shouldask these little charmkins what i found oozing out ofmy pillowcase this morning. - oh, you little baby,it could have been a lot worse. - yeah, at least we killed 'embefore we stuffed 'em in there. - enough, you three. "freebie and the bean"are calling.
- greetings, homunculus. let me set up this week'sinvention exchange. - let me guess. they're good lucktroll costumes. - these good luck troll--hey, you wrecked my reveal. - can we just get onwith this, please. - shut up, frank, or i'lllet the dog play with you. - ahh! - face it, boobikins,the good luck troll doll
is a real popular item,and we want to be popular. therefore,deductive reasoning demands these adorabletroll costumes. - whatever happenedto empiricism? - that's two, frank. imagine the coosof young college girls as they place youin their purse for good luck or, better yet,place you on the nightstand and rub your belly.
- oh, yeah, i mean,nothing makes a co-ed melt more than looking likea combination of michael j. pollard,yahoo serious and buddha. i mean, i can thinkof five-- aghhh! - frank--- i'm out of here, yeah. - frank, get back here.frank! make with your inventionexchange wishnik. - well, i'm wearing it. it's for peoplewho love the game of pool
or pocket billiards, and want to take it with themwherever they go. it's called "pocket pool" and it comes completewith green felt underwear and this handyball dispenser. all right, guys.let's rack 'em up. - hey, i thought this wasgonna be pocket lawn darts? - no. now, i don't want you guysto put any beer glasses on me or cigarette butts, all right?
- hey, baldilocks,stop talkin' and start chalkin'. - all right, gentlemen,the game is 8-ball and i break. oh, i got stripes. - how do you know? - i just know, all right? okay. now, this one's... 13 off the side, off two railsand a kiss off the 6. oh, i scratched.
- that means i'm up, right? - hey, you gota snooker down there. - hey, get out of there, you. - i'm gonna have to usethe bridge for this. - oh, let me--wait a minute, nothing doing. what do you think, sirs? - i think you need to workon your english, willie mosconi. now, your experiment todayis called "beatniks." - beatniks?great, i love that stuff.
- you have no cluewhat you're about to endure. - beatniks?man, i love those guys. man, i'm gonnagrow out my troll patch and rail againstthe establishment, man. [laughing] i have seen the best guysof my emanation deployed by badness. coo, coo. agghh!agh, agh, aghhh, aghhhhh!
- into the theater,pearl and getti. frank, baby. [alarm buzzing] - come on. - [indistinct] i can't see anything. - congratulations, you're one second into the film. - oh, no, the plaster's coming off. - here's your stupid cake. - oh, what a lovely cake,jessie.
- thank you. i'm afraidit's store bought, but the sentimentis mine and bill's. - sentiments? - yes, it's settled to the bottom of the cake. - "congratulations."oh, how nice. - yeah.who's gonna light that candle? what did you do, jessie,put it on with a hypodermic? - ha, ha, well, what else? - shut up, shut up, shut up!
- that's beautiful. - oh, how nice. - now, since it's yourengagement and your cake, i think you ought to cut it. - all right, jessie.- blow the candle out. - i completelyforgot the knife. - why the one candle? - well, to tell you the truth, i've never givenan engagement party before
and i don't knowwhether it's appropriate. - to stab you. - anyway, i thoughtit was kind of pretty. one candle, first engagementfor ken and for cynthia. - and a first and lastengagement for us both. right, honey?- right, ken. - maybe.- shall i blow out the candle? - why not? - and we all wish yougood things.
we wish you a long life, many children,and a happy marriage. [sawing noises] - we shouldn'tsay that out loud, it may not come true. - what do you mean,it may not come true? - oh, bill was just quoting,you know, superstition, ken,that's all. - take it back, take it back!
- i'm very superstitious. - that explains why you have garlic in your underwear. - oh, thank you. - why, bill never eats my plaster cake at home. - clamp. sponge. suture. oh, we've got a bleeder. there's butter squirting all over. huh. sponge. sponge cake.
- jessie? - thank you. - will you, uh, pass the ketchup please? - oh, it looks wonderful,jessie. - there's a layer of squirrel in here. - really, your engagement cameas a kind of surprise. - seeing as we're engaged. - how did it happen? - oh, come on, now,
do you want her tellingall the clinical details? - i don't wantany clinical details. it must have beenvery romantic. i just thought it would be niceto hear about it. - well, i thinkit's an embarrassing question. - oh, no, it's not,bill, i don't mind. well, jessie, ken had asked meto marry him before so it wasn't really so sudden. in fact, i'd been thinkingabout it for some time.
- she didn't tell meshe was playing hard to get, if you want to knowthe truth, jessie. - shut up, shut up! - excuse me.- i've got to go toss a cake. - well, anyway,one day last week, ken dropped bythe [indistinct] school. - oh, damn frosting. too much flour. i hate those beamies, non-pearls, whatever you call 'em.
aghh-bleugh! pfft. - actually,what really happened, is i [indistinct]her over the head with a building block and... - oh, that's his secret. - he's got a really nice skull. - mm-hm.- ...say that [indistinct]. - what, at his house? - i don't know any toast.
anyway, toasts are to be drunkat marriages and weddings. i think we're gettinga little ahead of ourselves. - all right.i'll propose a toast. - here's to the party getting better. - to my bride-to-be. - props! props! - the most beautiful girlin the world from the luckiest guyin the world. - and here's to the most depressing party
i've ever been to. - whoa, really snaked it in there. look at 'em go. - oh, oh, ken. [giggling] - could someone help meget the coffee, please? - ahhh, why don't you two just do it on the table? - you're spoilingthis whole party. - i'm what?
- keep your voice down. - hey, can we get some coffee in here? - we're thirsty in here. - ...the cake.- got any ice cream? - setting upwith this knucklehead doesn't have a chance. - you are downright insulting. you could have at leastproposed a toast when i asked you to.
look, this partywas your idea. it wasn't mine.- oh, look, for pete's sake. [phone ringing] - oh, that's pete now. - i'll get it. - hello?- uh, yes, hello. this is peter props. don't eat the cake. - yes, he is.all right, hold on. - oh, even the phone's for you, mr. wonderful.
- it's for you, ken. - oh, must be the phone service.excuse me. - oh, does the great doctor have a phone service? - doctor, phone servicefollows you around town? - well, how's my patients gonnaget in touch with me if they have to? - yeah. i was kidding. - huh, what a dickweed. - hello, dr. martin here.
- yes, i'm more important than him, uh-huh. - yes.- yes, he is a dickweed. - oh, yes.- yeah, and rude too. - yes, i understand. well, how long agodid she call? hm, i see.- mm-hm. - well, yes, i'll get over thereright away, of course. - when's our tee-time?- thank you. - well, i'm gonna go over to the morgue and cheer up.
- trouble, ken? - yes, one of dr. doyle'sold patients, mr. harvey. - oh, she's a big rabbit, you see, there. - you know, dr. doyle hasn'tbeen feeling too well lately. he's been in bed for a coupleof days with a virus fever so i'm elected to go seemr. harvey. - oh, i see. - so i won't be ableto drop you off at home on the way either, honey.
- oh, great. nobody's gonna help me clean up. - and i've got toget there in a hurry. - oh, well, that's all right,i'll take a cab from here. - i'll get your coat, ken.- don't touch me. - i don't knowhow long i'll be. i'll come back for you. - well, ken,why don't you call us when you find outmore about it? - we may not want you back.
- yeah, all right, sure.okay, honey. - thanks for the laughs. sorry i'm gonna miss out on the russian roulette. ha, ha. - well, there goes the life of the party. huh. - sorry to cut out on youlike this, jessie. it was a swell partywhile it lasted. - we all understand, ken. - see you, honey.- goodbye, ken.
- so long. - another alcohol-free party ends in shame. this little playlet has been brought to you by the booze council, reminding you to alwaysstock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasionsbecause booze really satisfies. - booze takes a dull party and makes it better. - booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. ♪ b-doubleo-z-e booze ♪
[hiccupping] - hey, it's daddio. ♪ e-0-eleven ♪ - dad, are we there yet? ♪ it's [indistinct] on my windshield ♪ ♪ and tears from heaven ♪ ♪ i'm pulling into town on the interstate ♪ ♪ i got a steel train in the rain ♪ - edward!
- dad, i have to go to the bathroom. - go ahead and hurry, please. - many thanks for the milk, wine, beer and ice cream. - put your masks on. - oh, no, they're gonna do kabuki theater. - let's go. - all right, let's stop. - let's do some crimes. - we were expecting you.
- put your hands down. - you've got underarm odor, but you're being held up. whaddya do? - all right, pop, wheredid you hide the rest of it? - same place like last time. - that's good. - ah, where's the fishing lures? i want a new ray stevens tape. where's the jerky?
- not the ashes. that's my uncle. - don't you boysever rob anyone else? - sure, but we like you. - i thought he liked me. - how much do we owe you, pop? - be my guest. - ah, what do you thinkwe are, moochers? - come on, moon,handle it and let's go. - they robbed paul wellstone.
- oh. - thanks. - that's the government for you. - and stay awayfrom that phone, pop. or we'll give you trouble. - you want the double bag? - oops, wrong car. - hey, did you get me a zagnut? [horn blaring]
- glenville, made for fine-quality youth films. - the boatniks, okay. - rachel flynn. - travis bickle? - sometimes i wish the rain would come down and wash away all the scum of the city. - oh, is the great martha wentworth going to be in this film? - oh, is the great crow
going to do that joke every movie? - aghhh! [all imitating theme music] - i know grandma lives around here somewhere. - dad, billy keeps hitting me. - all right, you two, cut it out or i'll turn this thing right around. - well, grandma lives on this street. i recognize it.
- look, could we just pull over and ask for directions? - i know where i'm going. - daddy, billy's pulling my arm. - ah, the family car trip sketch, ladies and gentlemen. - well, you just can'tleave it there-- - i'm tripping. - don't you know it's againstthe law to obstruct traffic? - what will i do?it just [indistinct] out.
- hey, get in.we'll push you out of the way. - okay, but take it easy. - sandra bernhard. - oh, thanks a lot. can i give you something for that? - hey, what's the matterwith you punks? - we're beatniks. - oh, iris,look what you've done. - what's the matterwith you kids?
you want to ruin the car? - take it easy, eh? we didn't mean to bendthat pretty iron of yours but iris has justlearned how to drive. isn't that right, iris? - that's very funny,yes, very funny. - [indistinct] i don't understand [indistinct] sumo. - come on, [indistinct] move. - oh, iris, where was you?
i thought youwas gonna help out. - does that make you mean? does it make you mean mad? - i'm sorry.i was busy. - yeah, we was out shopping. - for danger. - shopping.shopping with what? the whole bunch of you ain't never seena quarter in one piece. - oh, yeah?- yeah.
- what do you call that? - gee, moonie,i didn't mean nothing. - moonshadow. moonshadow. - did you hear what i said?did you hear what i said? - drink your bottle of a1 and shut up. - want to be a big wheel? - no, i don'twant to be a leader. leaders got too many thingson their minds, man. i've just got timefor one thing, eddie, one thing.
- i don't get you. it must be some obscure conceptual thing. - how much do you thinkwe got, eddie? - hey, let's see, three twinkies, some [indistinct] , a mars bar. - not bad. that's about $100 apiece,split four ways. - five ways, punk. - that's right, iris.i meant five.
- what'll you have?chicken-fried steak's good. - can i use your phone? - well, the chicken-fried phone is good too. - come on, nadine, let's geta little service over here. you've gota bunch of live ones. - that lady's got an ice bag on her head. - live ones, live ones.bunch of wise ones. - hear that, chuck?little lady's a gas. - yeah, a real gas.
- i don't know, it could bea loose battery connection but i'm not sure. - i think it's my lips are saggy and my nose is elongated. - wait a minute, it's in frontof nadine's diner on the-- hey, what street is this? - 4th street. - thank you.- it's on 4th street. - on 4th street.
now, how soon--oh, you can get over right away? well, thank you very much. - oh, got to call cliff shore. - fellas, tell me,where d'you get the-- oh, where d'you getall that money? - she's one of the snoop sisters. - aw, come on, iris,tell your old mama, where d'you get the money from? - bought short and sold long.
- mama! dry up, and you go out thereand get us some chow to eat. - ah, sure i will. how would you all like somenice chicken-fried steaks, huh? - or is it just the margot '56? - operator,this is harry bayliss. i want to place a callto harry bayliss agency in los angeles. - that's fine, sir, but you won't be in.
- iris, leave it alone.you'll get it later. - oh, eddie, i was justlooking for some change for the jukebox. ah, come on. - okay, okay. - just one fun-sized snicketts. - go have yourself a ball. - but don't play maureen mcgovern. - operator, i haven't gotany more coins.
now look,just reverse the charge. it's my own office. operator: okay.- yes, thank you. - come on, eddie,let's rock. - eww. - oh, come on, baby,just one dance? - these kids look likethey like to have a lot of fun. - just one. - hey, it's got to be a strauss waltz, okay?
- dish of ice cream, don't tempt me. - sing to me, baby. - get off my back, will you? - hey, that's a punch line for a dirty joke. - come on, eddie.- okay. - ♪ raw candy baby you're mine ooh! ♪ - ♪ leather coat ♪ - ♪ dish of ice cream ♪ - ♪ duckbill hair ♪
- hey, keep it down, i'm eating a bagel over here. - ♪ call me wild ♪ - oscar wilde. - ♪ i don't care ♪ - yeah, helen, i got the quartetall set [indistinct]. - oh, and i think i got gigantism. - helen, i can't hearon account of this jukebox. - ♪ playin' it cool ♪ - playin' it cool.
- ♪ real slick ♪ ♪ havin' a ball ♪ - what's he playing at? ♪ with a crazy chick ♪ - who, frances farmer? - ♪ sideburns don't needyour sympathy ♪ - ♪ sha-boopy sha-boopy sha-boopy ♪ - ♪ "slow down"they tell me ♪ - in fact, they tell me to shut up.
- ♪ how long can it last? ♪ - eugh! - ♪ but how can i slow down? ♪ ♪ hey i'm moving too fast ♪ - oooh! - ♪ save your tears ♪ - would you like to make a call? who was that singing?- ♪ don't cry for me ♪ - argentina!
- ♪ i'll get along ♪ ♪ just let me be ♪ - i'm resolved. i will kill them. - ah, opposable thumb, i'm impressed. - you know, he sold more records than elvis or the beatles. - oh yeah.- mm-hm. - ♪ your sympathy ♪ [sighing]
- wow, joel,these are some beatniks. - whoa, doggy.really, really, beatniks. - i mean, you wantto see beatniks? this is the moviethat has beatniks in it. - yup, ooh, boy. [whistling] who are we trying to kid? these peopleare no more beatniks-- they're not even boatniks.
beatnik guys don't wearsensible shoes, windbreakers and beatnik women don't wearcampfire girl knicker kits. if these people are beatniks-- - if these people are beatniks,then pat boone is a beatnik, cardinal stritchis a beatnik. - yeah, yeah, if these peopleare beatniks, then my mom's a beatnikand she's not. - "carousel" had more beatniksthan this movie. i mean, come on, a real beatnikwould blast across route 66
with a bottle of george dickel and a back seat littered withempty cans of iron city beer. i was hoping to seeweek-long heroin jags and jackson poker vanswith bullets back-- - i thinkthey get the point, tom. i thinkthat it'd be a good time to take this opportunityto teach the people at home and in transitsome of the tell-tale signs that you're probablynot a beatnik, okay?
- oh, good idea 'causeeither you are or you aren't. and these people aren't. - beatniks. - right, right.- right. for example, if you ownmore than two polo shirts-- - you're not a beatnik. - right. if you own evenone night ranger album-- - if you find yourselfsaying things like, "i'll be right overafter i clean up--"
- or, "hey, come on, i reallylike the gym teacher--" - or, "could you please passthe spring rolls--?" - you're probably not a beatnik. - or if you owna monthly bus pass-- - unless it's a passto ken kesey's bus-- - capiche?- done. - feels good.all: beatniks. - oh, that was great. - eddie, come on,sing one more.
- after [indistinct]go ahead, sit down. - yeah, get the message. - hey, look, get in touchwith morrisey and-- - tell him to stop crying. - find if he's filledthat spot on his tv show. - i'll sing you a moon tune. - uh, you need some time alone? - ♪ it can happen baby ♪ - moonie?
- ♪ when you [indistinct] ♪ - you stink. - you smell like chicken-fried punk. - ♪ well swing [indistinct] ♪ - i think i found somebody. - he grinds his hips under the breakfast table. - look, i'll tell youall about it when i get in. bye. - boy, this is sure a problem .
- aw, now, pop,you asked us to push you. besides, we just scratchedthe paint a little bit. - oh, the car?oh, forget about that. say, where did you learnhow to sing like that? - sing sing.- me? - no, not you.i mean, him. - call that singing?that was nothing. - i was belching. - eddie learned his selfto sing, didn't you, eddie?
- shut up, iris. what are you selling? - no, i'm not selling.i'm buying. you see, i'm an artistrepresentative. - i represent jackson pollock, jasper johns. - i'm an agent. i handle singers and performersfor television. - can i have 10% of your sandwich? - you want eddieto sing on the tv?
- well, if he'd like to,i think it could be arranged but i'd like a couple of peopleto hear him first. - we ain't interested.right, eddie? - hey, i ain't no singer. - i think you are.- you heard him, pop. he ain't interested.now beat it. - cool it, moon.he ain't talking to you. look, mister, he gets paidand everything, don't he? - why, of course.
- how much? - well-- - oh, "tonight" will pay $7.50 an hour. - well, i'd say,to start about $100. - a hundred bucksfor [indistinct] big star! man, we make thatin one little haul. - give me that. - well, that's only for one-- - that's peanuts, mister.
- well, maybeit's peanuts to you but that's onlyfor one little show. if you've got what i thinkyou have, you may be-- - scabies? - who knows, $10,000,$15,000 a week. - $15,000 a week? - why not?- yeah. - gosh, i'm stupid. - say, anybody herecalled for a mechanic?
- hey, wait a minute, you said that great. i'd like to sign you up. - now, here's my card, son. if you get in town tomorrow, drop in and see meand we'll see what we can do. - it's a credit card. buy yourself some furniture. - i don't know. - well, just take your time,son, and think it over and-- but let me know by tomorrow.
- 'cause i might die. - and thanks for the push. - i think he was being sarcastic. - gee, you're gonna see him,aren't you? - eddie, you becomea big fat star, you ain't never gonnaforget your buddies who always stuck by you,now, are you, eddie? - nah, of course not. - ooh, of course not.
- meanwhile, at the same time, at the gotham city bank. - hi, i'm here for my prostate exam and i've brought some of my friends with me. - i'm eddie crane.i called before. - oh, yes.mr. bayliss is expecting you. i'll tell him you're here. - the smelly hoodlyums are here. - eddie crane is here,mr. bayliss. - good. send him in.
- i'll slip out the back. - you can go in, mr. crane. - okay.- hey, how about us? - well, there aresome people inside. it might be betterif you waited out here for him. - how about that, eddie? would it be better? - hey.- uh-uh. my friends go where i go.
- now, where's the bathroom?- see. - what's your name? - helen.- who's your daddy? - helen tracy. - that's my name too.- hi, helen. - hi, eddie. - come on, honey. [howling] - down boy, down boy.
[humming] - this is mr. morrisey,the tv station, and there's josh beam. josh is gonna play for you. ray, this is the boyi told you about, eddie crane. - how are you, eddie?- okay. - looks like this scene was shot by a bank camera. - these are my friends,iris, chuck, red, moonie. - i can sing, man.- hey, moon.
- ♪ baby baby ♪ - oh, he's the satch of the group. - ...put eddie on the tv? - well, i don't know, miss.we came down to hear him sing. if he's anything like--- oh, come on, pops. eddie can sing ringsaround any of 'em. he can sing better than any-- - shut up, iris.- but i just wanted-- - d'ya hear what i said?
- oh, and he's nice to women too. - just sing.anything you like. josh here can play. - you read music?- nope. - hey, do you know,"with a look"? eddie can sing that.right, honey? - i guess so.what am i doing here? i ain't no singer. - come on, honey,do it for me, huh?
- can i do it for her? - okay, i'll do it for you. - this is going out to one of you, whoever you are. - play. - i am ironman. - ♪ with a lookyou can make me laugh ♪ ♪ with a look i just meltand don't know why ♪ - he'll be gone in a minute. - ♪ all i know is i glowwith a warm sensation ♪
[all mumbling] ♪ your eyeshold a wonderful-- ♪ - wow, he's singing to me, for cryin' out loud. he likes me. - ♪ a sensation ♪ ♪ with a look i fellsuccumbed to your charms ♪ - ♪ when i knock over a grocery store ♪ ♪ all i want is to whip a clerk ♪ - ♪ we were ineach other's arms ♪
- geez, he's gonna song the whole song, isn't he? i mean it. oh my god, oh. - ♪ and what more could i do? ♪ - ♪ you could stop singing ♪ - ♪ i fell hopelesslyin love with you ♪ - gee, i'm touched. i didn't know you felt that way. - ♪ oh so hopelessly in love-- ♪ - ♪ with myself ♪
[applause] - fantastic. really fantastic. that was an adagio, wasn't it? - gee, that was great, honey. - well, harry, you were right. - it's a comfortable chair. - i don't know howhe'll hold up on the show but, ha,i'll take a chance. - good. well, the show'stomorrow night
so we better get youchecked into a hotel. take care of that,will you, helen? - all right.- wait a minute, what about my friends? where are they gonna stay? - well, i didn't knowyou were coming into town-- - hey, what about that? - either they stay with meor i go. - now, just a minute, son.
- don't give me that "son" bit.either they stay or i go. - pull my finger. - all right,all right, eddie. helen, put them allup in a hotel and-- - kill them. - ...get you a new outfitfor the show and, well, anything elsehe may need. - right. - but be sure he gets backfor rehearsal tonight.
see you tomorrow. - hate that guy. who hates that guy? - i do. - i do too. - uh-oh. smells like a montage. - all right, you're gonna go into that [indistinct] and you're gonna tell the lady what you took. - no. no, not if you want to be taken seriously . - what a moron. - all right. i like it.
i'll take 300 of these shirts. - i'm school shopping with mom. - oh, i-- you know, i think i need some drinks for school, too, mom. - ...the food is excellent.- she's a ventriloquist. - and she's fantastic. - would you like heavy smoking or moderate smoking? - oh, great. here comes a big tip. he'll have the club.
she'll have the cottage cheese with a peach slice. - oh, i'm hungry. shopping for men's clothesis a lot harder than i thought. - uh, what's pesto? - do you likethe things we picked? - we?you mean, you picked. i wouldn't have knownwhat to get. thanks, helen. - for making us laugh about love again.
- well, what shall we eat? want to startwith a cocktail? - yes, ma'am!- i don't think so. i feel likei'm loaded already. - you're pretty excited,aren't you? - i guess so.i'm in the show tomorrow, and the clothesand this place. i never thoughti'd be doing this. - what, buying clothes?
- i can't even believeit's happening to me. - well, it is.and it's you, all right. and this isonly the beginning. - geez, i'm stupid. i forgot how stupid i was. - yeah, but me. i never done anythingto deserve it. - not a high school diploma between 'em. - ...stumbled alongtaking what i wanted 'cause i knew nobodywould ever give me anything.
- i'm sensitive. - getting pushed around so long,you start pushing back. hard in the heart. you get to like it. - thanks for the character development. - you feel like somebody. - what, eddie? what do you feel? - i feel like--like--
- an onion. - ah, forget it.- no, no, please? tell me. - i feel i can't keepmy hands off you. - police! police! - why, i don't meannothing like that. i mean, like,when i first saw you. i felt i'd been away somewherefor a long time and i was coming homeand you were waiting for me.
- i've never seen an injection-molded face before. - your eyes were saying,"eddie. eddie, where you been?" like i'd known you forever. i wanted to hold you and tell you i'm nevergonna leave you again. that's how i felt. - well, are you two ready to order? - now have a good laugh.
- eddie, i'm not laughing. - i'm panicking. - you're not, are you? boy, i must be flipping. i never talk like thatto anyone. no kiddin'.- except my dog. - i never formed a complete sentence before. i forgot who i am.- you're my sad clown. - whoa, stop it. there's a big sign.
whoops. oh. - now, ladies and gentlemen, the talent showcase continues as we present a young man who's making his first appearance as a singer tonight. we know you'll enjoy the talents-- - [indistinct] miller. - eddie crane.- well-- - i said, "let's hear it for eddie crane." eddie crane. eddie crane, ladies and gentlemen.
♪ oh summer plate ♪ - aghh! - ♪ anything ♪ - ♪ is better than this crap ♪ - ♪ desire your slightestwish is my command ♪ - he's singing into a refrigerator. - ♪ there's nothing i won't do ♪ ♪ i'm so in love with you ♪ ♪ anything-- ♪
- oh, yes, yes. - ♪ your little heart desires ♪ - oh, i desire you to stop singing. - ♪ just say the wordand i'll be on hand ♪ ♪ to make your dreamscome true ♪ - ♪ should want the moon-- ♪ - hmm, maple syrup. it's good. - ♪ and the stars that shine ♪ - yes, yes. oh, yeah, good one.
- here's a singer for our generation. - ♪ just to prove to you ♪ ♪ you're the only onei'm dreaming of my darling ♪ - good thing they're shooting him from the waist up, huh? ♪ i just can't do enough-- ♪ - wait a minute, that's the guy who robbed my store. - ♪ to make your life complete ♪ - huh, he went to gesture b. - ♪ if you shouldwant the moon-- ♪
- he should seriously consider a soul transplant. - ♪ and the sun from above ♪ - boy, beatnik music is really square. - ♪ i'll tell themfrom the blue ♪ ♪ just to prove to you-- ♪ - he kind of reminds me of a singing weatherman. - ♪ that you're the only onei'm dreaming of my darling ♪ - oh, he looks really bad there. - inside daisy [indistinct]
- ♪ i just can't do enoughmy sweet ♪ - this is one from ginsberg's ballad years. - fantastic. that is fantastic. - next up, geechy guy. - that's it, eddie.nice work. - thanks very much. - what's the matter with you? we're hot,we're are on the air. - death of a stage manager.
- moon, break it up,what are you doing? - say, what's the trouble here? - i'm out of beer.- nothing, mr. bayliss. it's just a littlemisunderstanding. - eddie, mr. morrisseywould like to see you at his officefor a moment. can you come in-- - nude?- alone? - yeah, sure.you guys wait out here.
i'll be right back. - uh, that's the problem with long necklaces. - well, here he is, ray.- you want a shot at him? - congratulations, eddie.you have a lot of talent. - thank you, sir. - now why don't you kidsgo over there and sit down and let a couple ofold men talk business, huh? - so how's the hernia? - as you know, i just havea local station here
but i do believethey'd talk contract and build a showaround your boy, if you're interested.- want some bread? - ...but you know i don'twant to tie eddie up here. now you understand this. - oh-ho.i can't say i blame you. - ooh, i became a switchboard.- oh, i'm back again. - mr. morrisey, we're gettingall kinds of calls about eddie crane.
they think he's terrific. - well, that's wonderful.thank you, grace. hear that, eddie? - looks like you'reon your way. - they're still calling.- yes? - yes, mr. president. - who? put him on. it's walter letterman ofuniversal records about eddie. - this is the president.
- hello?- yeah? put him on. - yes, mr. letterman. yes, he was sensational. - yeah. now, go to the window. - our switchboard's been lit--what's that? - go to the window. - no, he's notunder contract to me. - forget the contract. what are you wearing? well, his agentis right here.
- oh, what's he wearing? - talk to him, harry. - hello, mr. letterman.this is harry bayliss. - yeah, just like, "it's a wonderful life," harry bailey. yeah, very funny. - snookums. - well, that's a little quick,isn't it? oh, yeah, sure.
we could rehearseall day, yeah. - but we won't. i'm too old for that. - oh no, don't worry.we'll be there. yeah, thank you very much. - boy, he's a tough negotiator. - mm-hm. - kid, i got you a $100 lifetime deal. - come on, kids,break it up. - huh?- what do you think, eddie?
- about what? - what's the matter, eddie,weren't you listening? - dah-huh? - eddie, looks likeyou're an overnight sensation. - and it hasn't even been overnight. - ...recorded all nightfor immediate release. - no kidding. me? - yeah, do you knowwhat that means? if you hit--- i'll need more socks?
- ...top show. and thenwhen you're ready for it, the "eddie crane show." - then, "eddie's world." - so quick. - well, that's the wayit happens in this business. sometimes it's fastor not at all. - yeah, i see what you mean. - but don't kid yourself, son.- you're not that good.
- it's gonna meanan awful lot of hard work. and i hope you're up to it. - mr. bayliss,all my life, i've been kicked aroundfor nothing. i ain't afraid of workingto get some place. - thanks, son. i know you won'tlet anybody down. - no, sir. - mind my hinder.
- how long we supposed to coolour heels out there, man? - moon, do you hear the news?i'm gonna make records. - no kiddin'?- yeah, ain't i, mr. bayliss? - that's right.- yahoo! - yeah, that's crazy. - hey, this callsfor a celebration. come on, let's shakethis town up tonight. - now, hold on here,just a minute. now, i know you're allhappy about this
but eddie'sgot to get some rest. he's recordingtomorrow night, you know? - what you talkin' about?my eddie's a big star now. he don't have to worryabout singing. he can do it with his eyesclosed, can't you, honey? - yeah, i feel fine. - yeah, i thinkmr. bayliss is right. there'll be plenty of timeto celebrate later on. you could catch coldor something.
- and drive to houston.- what are you, his mother? - i didn't mean--- iris! maybe they're right. i got to protect my voice.- well, pick up a neckerchief. - or maybe we just ain'tgood enough for you now. is that it?- shut up all of you! i ain't walkin' out on nobody.it's just-- - it's just that i love pancakes. - oh, i don't know. come on, let's go backto the hotel.
i'll see you tomorrow.- eddie? - yeah? - good luck. - yeah, thanks.- let's go, baby. - helen? - hayes, gurley brown, keller, wheels? - that sofa's actually a seat of a pick-up truck. - when in hollywood, be sure not to stay at the hollywood inn.
- whoa, she's having an episode. - geez, moon, no. - it's a huge transistor radio. - send us up some ice. - send up some more fruit soda. and some chuckles. - huh? yes, water. laugh juice.don't you know nothing? booze!yeah, lots of booze.
- sid and nancy. - what do you mean?sure, we're old enough. d'ya want to seemy driver's license? why, you--aghhh. - what's up, man? - ah, that old dotdownstairs cut us off. - ahh, kids. - well, i know where we canget all the lush we want, man. - where?
- it's about two hours'drive from here. - oh, hudson, wisconsin? - ...liquor store?we can't stick him up. his two weeksain't up yet. - [indistinct] man,why don't you join the party? what's the matter,are you afraid you might becatching a cold, man? - maybe he just want to bewith that sweet little nothing you've beenmaking eyes with, huh?
- get off my back, iris.i'm thinkin'. - dreamin' is more like it. you're dreaming howyou're gonna be a big fat star and how well you and helenare gonna hit it off. isn't that it,big shot, huh? - yeah, i'm big boned, okay? - that's not right. - maybe you'd justlike to walk out on here and you can forgetyou ever knew us.
isn't that it? - i told youto leave me alone. - next time, i'll punch you.- yeah, i got your message. - i'm sorry.i guess i just blew my stack. [knocking on door] - the geeknik. - domino's.- yeah? - i'm the hotel manager.what's going on in here? i've had complaintsfrom every room in the house.
- what's the matter, egghead?can't we have a little fun? - oh! oh, my goodness,what have you done to the room? this is terrible.hey, you'll pay for this. - my goodness,you'll pay for this. - is that how i sound, really? - you--why, you young hoodlums. i'll call the police. - no magic pimpers for you, young man. - say one word to anyoneand i'm gonna moon you.
- you're gonna what?- moon you! - you know, hang my butt out. - you can rely on me.i won't tell a soul. but who's gonna payfor the damage here? - just put iton the bill, mister. i'll see it's taken care of. - now you get on out of herebefore we change our mind. - you can trustin my discretion. i-- - get!- sure.
- he's the shakiest hotel manager in the west. - boy, wasn't he scared? well, you cantrust my discretion. - the next john byner. - ...calls the cops.- he won't. he's so chicken,he could grow feathers. [singing] - oh, i'm so gladjoel isn't here. he'd just be ruiningeverything right now.
hey, are there any morecorn curls, crow? crooooow? - crow t. travis. no, no.mrs. tony t. travis. no?no, too italian. mr. and mrs. tonyand crow robot-travis. no, that's too long. wonder what tony'sthinking about right now. he's probablydriving round real fast
in his super-cool carand stuff like that. couldn't you just scream? - aghhhh! - oh, tom,you are so childish. when you become a woman,you'll understand these things. the tony i knowis a very serious man. compassionateand thoughtful to a fault. he goes to churchevery sunday. - wonder what denomination.
- oh, please, crow,where d'you read that? i just happento have the latest on tony in this month's "tigerbot.""tony, fun-loving loner." and it says, "tony liveswith his parents in burbank "and loves to swap jokeswith jay osmond, "the comedianof the osmond family. "sometimes you can find himriding round the five acres "behind his houseon his mini-bike "or making funny facesin the mirror
to crack himself up."ahh. - i read in "dynamite"that he likes [indistinct]. - oh, turn around, gypsy. servo, you don't knownothing about him. tony, and i know thisfor a fact, girlfriend, is producingand starring and writing and singing the theme song for a movie abouthis whole life story. and on weekends, he's trainingto be a navy seal.
- oh, wow. - hey, so, guys, i gotall the rest of your stuff. i think you're all settled infor the evening now. - yes, joel. - you know what,you guys are really into this tony travis guy,you know? you know,when i was your age, that's when the teen idolshad faces, you know. there was david souland the brady girls
and jeremy gelbwaksand tony defranco and the defranco family. don't forget donny most. - spare us. - you know, tony travis. now, wait a minute,now that i think about it, i think we went tothe same high school together. - what? - in fact, i thinki've got his number
right there on speed-dial. it's marked "tony t."you should call him. he's a real nice guy.go on, call him. - no, no, no. oh, i can't do it,i can't do it. hold it.should we? - i'm gonna do it.i'm gonna do it. tony t. - i'm gonna die,i'm gonna die.
i can't do this.i need a shower. oh, oh, it's ringing,it's ringing. - hello ?- oh, tony. - this is tony travis. sorry i'm not in right now. i got called in to cover for roy over at the taco hell. if everything goes right, the sour cream gun don't jam, should be home around 9. if you'd like to leave a message for me, gary, rick, jeff, rahoul,
terry, prairie don or any of the kids, leave it at the sound of the tone. or if you're a bill collector or you're with the military-- [beeping] - oh, sad. - no, can you believe it? oh, it is betterto have loved and lost than neverto have loved at all. - tony.
- you know,i liked the moon guy. - yeah. - moon, yeah,the moon, yeah. - hey, it's charlie's cafã© beer. - hey, that's a handicapped spot. - hey, it says"dine and dancing." you want to go in here? - well, let's go somewhere. i don't want todrive around all night.
- especially, 'cause it's 2 in the afternoon. - this is probably the best place in l.a. - oh, come on,they serve drinks. - beatniks rowdy party of six, please. - ba-ba-boom! - hey, schooch over. - let me in. - hey!- oh, bad touch. - call this meeting to order.
- hey, hey, take it easy. don't you seethere's people eating here? - oh, i'm awfully sorry,charlie. we didn't know you wererunning a graveyard. - yeah, it says,"dine and dancing" so where do we dance, charlie? - right here,and i ain't charlie, i'm gus. - well, where's charlie? - we want charlie.
- whoa, bad touch. - well, i never. - you gonna throw us out,charlie? by yourself? - all right, all right.what'll you have? - how about a menu?i'm hungry. - how would you like that done?- the kitchen's closed. - well, get with it, man.open it. - you heard the lady, charlie.open it.
- well, maybe i can fixsome ham sandwiches, okay? - yeah, all the way around. - goodnight, folks. - yeah, we'll be back real soon. - what to drink?coffee? - how about some booze? - sorry, no liquor.- no liquor and no food. what are you staying open for,charlie? - the name's gus,and no liquor after 2.
- it ain't 2 yet, charlie. - go get the sandwiches.we're hungry. - i can't believe they're manhandling him for a sandwich. - they're probably hypoglycemic. - ...rock.- sure, honey. - hey, my first hit record's out already. play me for me. heh, heh, heh, heh.
- felix, where's the eagle snacks? - well-stocked bar. they got four bottles. [music stopped] - eddie crane unplugged. - he hit big jake. - hey, i was watching "she's the sheriff." - you want to watch tv,go home, okay? no living room. - why, you great big wonderful man.
- wait, i know, you're libra, right? - penny for your thoughts. - he's wearing a sports bra. - pass the fondue! - well, he seemed nice. - open bar.- literally. - here, worcestershire. - heinz 57 for me, please. - hey, hey,where d'ya get that?
- my aunt's house. - what are you, charlie,a cop or a bartender? - you're a pretty smart punk,aren't you? you took it off of my bar. - i don't see your name on it,charlie. - yeah, my name is jack daniels, all right? - ...punk, and if youdon't put that bottle back where you found it from,i'm gonna give it-- - [indistinct] gratuity.
- hey, look, moon, i'm scared.he's got us surrounded. - okay, that's it.go on, get out of here. all of you, blow. - put your lips together and blow. - don't you hear me? [blowing][laughing] - okay, you asked for it. - oh, you asked for it. i'm overcooking your fries. - is that today's liturgy on the board over there?
- now just sit there.you too. i warned you. [dialing phone] - hello, give methe sheriff's office. now you punks'll get it. - hey, oh, charlie. - today's temperature is-- - don't do that, charlie. - he's an evil gilligan.
- hm, he's going out of his way to be loathsome. - come on, will you? we were just havinga little fun, charlie. - let me talk to sergeant-- - oh, come on, charlie.will you give us a break? i'll put the bottle backand we'll pay for what we drank. - well, you put it backand then we'll see. - hello, mike?yeah, gus. - please!
[crying] - geez! - never mind, mike.listen, i'll call you back. - peter breck, ladies and gentlemen. peter breck. - what an eccentric performance. - i'll never be [indistinct]. - ooh! that was our best wine. - a good year.
- iris, get the doorand keep a look-out. - now we've got to make our own sandwiches. - what d'ya haveto hit him for? - what did you want me to do?kiss him, big ed? - ah, you-- - you're the second person who's called me "you." - let's get him outside. - is he dead?- no, just bent a little. come on.
[car tires screeching] - someone's coming. - i think it's love. - quick! you work the fryer. you hostess. hand out those menus. i think we're here, michael. - all right, cover us. iris, come with meand play it cool. - yeah.- come on, baby.
- honey. - hey, you!- i'm not "you." - get in the car, iris. - may i take your order, sir? - what do you want?- what's going on inside? - must marry ketchup bottles. - what d'ya mean? - you know what i mean, fella.any action? any women,chicks, broads?
- oh, no, man.the joint's dead. there's nobody there.they're closing up. - hey, you, uh, scored, huh? - yeah, got two assists. - yeah, i scored. - okay, boy.take it easy now. - hot dog, at least somebody scored. i can go home to bed now. [gun firing]
- oh, my ankle, uh, shoulder. - order! - eddie, i've been hit.i'm hit. - [indistinct] - just kind of hang. - i don't care who hit who first. come on. - suddenly, it's the last picture show. - so i guess happy hour's over, huh?
- uh, a re you hiring? - it's a newborn gun. - implication playhouse. - come on, moon, let's go. what's going on? - just cleaning up. - come on.- oh, that's considerate. - come on, moonie,get in the car. we ain't got forever.
- i call the back. - please, eddie,get some help for me. [crying]i don't want to die. - you crybaby punk,are you afraid to die, man? - shut up!you got us into-- - wipeout! - you went backand killed that barkeep for no reason, didn't you? you went backand killed him, didn't you?
- yeah.- why? why did you have to do it?why? - i done it for you, eddie. - for me? - and i didn't kill you anybody. - why for me? - i didn't carenone about myself. when i went back into that bar,that fat barkeep charlie, he says--- what are you talkin' about?
- he said he was gonna rememberwhat we all looked like and spill to the cops. - you're lying.- no, i'm not. - you're exaggerating. - ...thinking, eddie,about you going on television. and how he might see you and how he mightrecognize you, eddie. send you up for life.might even burn you, man. - burn me?nobody's gonna burn me.
i ain't never killed nobody. - sure i wanted to. - you're in itjust as much as i am. we're all in it, together. you know that,don't you, eddie? don't you, huh? - you're different.- yeah. take it easy. - sort of a gender-bending camille.
- he looks like a big ventriloquist dummy. - does that hurt bad? - it throbs a little. - like my heart when i look into the pitiless void of hell, man, hell. - how's it look? - uh, have you ever had [indistinct]. - iris, get me that bottle. - i'll go boil some towels.
- this might sting, red. - sting ray. - the famous red button's death scene. - that's in caseyou want to yell. - oh-waghhhh! - oww!! - give him a beer bath . - he's out.- maybe that's good. - what do you think, eddie?
will he be all right? - well, i'm just a nurse's aide. - i dunno, but you can thankgun-happy over here. we're in real trouble now. - thank you, gun-happy. - no witnesses.i took care of that. - did you? what about the guythat was sitting at the bar? he got a real good lookat all of us.
- oh, rot! - you're always ruining my fun. - man, he can't prove nothinghe didn't see. - oh, i see.what about red, here? how are you gonnaexplain the hole in him? say a vampire bit him? - uh, that won't hold up in court. - helen was right. how did i ever get mixed upwith a crazy bunch like you?
- we had two [indistinct].- i must be nuts myself. how did you getmixed up with us? you hear that, moonie?how did you-- just who do you thinkyou are, big shot? - he's wearing his truss on the outside. - he's got his holster on. he knows he's going to the big valley. - well, it don't wash off,big eddie. you're one of us.
you've always been one of us and you are gonna stayone of us. are you hip? huh? - nice to have job security. - eddie, she's given youa lot of crazy ideas. she's getting youall mixed up. she'll never do for youlike i will. - eughh! - eddie, where you goin'?
- out. i got a lot of thinkin' to do. - hey, he's following a makeover in "glamour." - apply cream to-- - montage.- montage. - there were a million stupid stories in the naked city and this is the stupidest one. ♪ everybody's talkin' of me ♪ - ♪ stayin' alive stayin' alive ♪
♪ ah ah ah ah ♪ ♪ stayin'-- ♪ - ...in here!- oh, sorry ma'am. - let me see, what was the--? oh, yeah. ♪ 867-5309 ♪ - ♪ hudson 327-hundred ♪ - hey, now, we can't hear. - wait a minute, she's sleeping in a drawer.
- [gruffly] joe's pool, ahem , [female voice] joe's pool hall. - hello? helen? hi, this is eddie crane. - eddie? - you know, i sit behind you in phy. ed. - i just wanted to speak to you . - i'm glad you calledbut it's so-- - i don't knowwhy i called you.
- well, i'm glad you did. eddie, is something wrong? what is it?- got kind of a tummy ache. - is it the show, is that it? - i ain't worried aboutmy career or shows or nothing, 'cause i ain'tgonna do no shows. - what are you saying? - i want out,that's what i'm saying. i ain't your boy,you made a mistake.
i can't sing or nothing. - why, you havea wonderful talent. please don'tthrow it away now. - i threw it awaya long time ago. - eddie, please, if i've doneanything to change you-- is that it? - can't you get itthrough your head, it is nothingto do with you? it's me. me!i'm no good,
i'm just no good. - stop trying to co-depend all over me, eddie. - i got to get awayfrom you, from me. - what's wrong? - tell mr. bayliss,"thanks for believing in me." now i got to hang up. - eddie, are you there? eddie, answer me. - yeah, i'm here.
- sorry, my ear stopped working. that's better. - you asked me this afternoonif i felt what you did. i love you, eddie. - huh? - i don't know how or why. it's all so quick but i do, i love you. - oh, we bought a shirt together. big deal.- ...crazy and mixed up,
i feel i'm still asleep but i know what i'm saying. i love you. you can't just go awayand disappear like that with a telephone call. - i've got no choice. i've got to get away. - but why now? why right this minutewhen your whole life
is opening up for you? a once-in-a-lifetimechance of success. people would give anything fora chance like you're getting. - what's in it for you?- a 10% commission. - me?- yeah. you're making a big pitch.what's in it for your end? a lot of quick cash, maybe,if eddie hits the big time? - you think i told youi love you because i want to keep you herefor business reasons,
to make money off of you? - what is this, 1-900-talk-fast? - well, for your information, there have been hundreds ofnew talents i've been around. do you thinki told 'em all i loved 'em just to keep themsigned to a contract? - [indistinct]. - i never told anyoneanything like that before. - does she have coffee filters on her headboard?
- i never loved anyoneuntil i met you. now i'm sorry i told you. - helen, you don't understand. - i understand it's all overbefore it got started. thanks for telling me now before i madea real fool of myself. - helen, wait, please. - goodbye. - soup pie?
i'm coming over. - yeah, go over there, tell her a thing or two and-- wait a minute, where does she live? ♪ i been walkin' these streets so long ♪ ♪ i was walkin' in memphis ♪ - kolchak: the night stalker. - 8 :45. i was outside frank gannon's house. he didn't know i was there but--
- she lives in a library? - i'd like to check out a girl, please. - [indistinct]. - how did you find me?- yeah. - we just took a numberout of the phone book, figured you'd show up here. all set to spill your gutsout to mama upstairs, all about how the big, bad boysmade you do things and how you didn'twant to do those things.
- oh, scientology. - number 3 step forward and turn left. - you're flipped. - why don't youlay off him, moon? eddie wouldn't do that,would you, eddie? - hey, he got a line.- wow! cool! - of course not.what do you think i am, eddie? - a crappy actor?- you got him wrong. eddie wouldn't run out now,specially with red so bad off.
- how is he?- gee, not good, eddie. he's real hot and moanin'and talkin' funny. hey, what are we gonna dowith him? - oh, he's in love. - what are you asking me for? - 'cause you're the leaderof the gang, eddie. - ♪ the leader of the gang ♪ - yeah.- yeah. - come on, let's go.
- and would you straighten your spine? - please. - eddie, what are wegonna do with him? - i dunno. - well, we can'tleave him like that. he may croak. [croaking noises] - we'll have too many problems. - shut up, moon.
- got to try to get himto a hospital right away. - general hospital! - sure, walk overto the hospital, up to the desk and we say,"we'd like to make a deposit in the gunshot wounddepartment." oh, that's real smart, iris. - can't we just drive him overand leave him there? - and have them ask himhow he got shot? he'd drag us all into it.
- red wouldn't talk,would he, eddie? - moon's got a point. we can't go out with himin daylight. - he has sensitive skin. - okay, we'll waituntil tonight. then we'll get out of hereand take him to a doc in a small town somewhere. - how about a dock in the bay?- ta-doom! - i only hopehe holds out 'til then.
- hey, he's wearing a stethoscope. - eddie, you reallyquits with them, i mean, helen and bayliss? - yeah, i'm quits. - i'm glad, honey. you know, she wasn'tfor you anyway. she ain't our kind. - she's smart and pretty. - no, she ain't.
- she's a mammal. - kind of sorry you ain'tgonna be a big singer though. i was kind of looking forwardto getting all dolled up and-- - eughhh! - again! eugh! - and having everybodylooking at us. - the morning papersought to be out. - so what? - so they ought to be full
about that fat slobi knocked over last night. - mrs. [indistinct] - that's so sick. i bet you wishthey knew you did it so you could getyour picture in the paper. - yeah, my nameand my picture in the paper. everybody look at me and say-- - li'l abner. - there's bob moonie,the big shot.
why, i'd be a celebrity. - i don't know whyi bother to talk to you. you know something?you're nuts. - oh, i'm just whimsical. - why do you want to bea singer, eddie? why? - would you just eat your candy bar? - 'cause everybodycan look at you and say, "that's eddie crane,the big celebrity."
i'm the same way, eddie. 'cept i don't knowhow to sing. - bitter.- oh, a tad. - does that make sense, man? - yeah. to you. - halcygram.- put that thing away. - why, man? we might have toblast our way out of here. - nobody knows anythingabout us.
put it away. - iris, get the doorand find out who it is. - we're shooting the dishes.- what's going on in there? - see, i told you the cops.let's blast 'em and make it-- - shut up!it's only the house dick. let me handle it.- oh, how accommodating . - we're not jumping on the beds. - yeah, what do you want? - i have the manager with me.
- what the--? put it-- geez ! - open up! - what should we do? - talk to him. - okay. - mystery guest, enter and sign in please. - well, you see.you see what they have done? - what's this about the bill?we ain't checked out yet? and besides, mr. baylissis taking care of it.
- that's just it. mr. bayliss called and saidthat he won't be responsible after this morning. - that's it, see? - we've decidedto stay 'til tonight. we'll pay youfor the extra day. - we don't want you. - that's right.you're undesirable tenants. you'll have to get out.
besides,there's the matter of the damageyou've done to the room. you're gonna pay for that too. - pretty smooth, huh? - mister, why don't youlet us stay 'til tonight? i promise we'll payfor everything we broke. - what did you do? bring protection with youthis time, chickie, huh? - don't get wise, son.
what's the matter with him? - a bad cold.hey, fatso, you a real cop or are you justa chicken inspector? - you don't like cops,do you, sir? - don't stop doing that.- no, i don't. not real copsor play cops like you. - moon, shut up. go and take a walkand get them cold pills for ed, like i asked you.
go on.do you hear me? - ah, again! - oh, they got to hire a continuity director. - that boy's gonnaget in trouble some day. - yes, sir. - ladies and gentlemen, williams and ree. - can we stay if mr. baylisstells you it's okay? - why, if mr. baylisssays it's all right, then that's good enough for us.
- all right,let me make a phone call. - gee, if mr. bayliss says i can kick you in the groin, can i? - operator, get memajestic 2202, please. i'm sorry about that mess.we had a little-- hello?oh. hello?- oh. - helen?- hello. - this is eddie.- hello.
- is mr. bayliss there?- oh. - can i talk to him please? - hello, mr. bayliss. this is eddie. sorry about the-- - well, i thinkyou're throwing away the chance of a lifetime, eddie.i had some big plans for you. - hello?- i know, mr. bayliss, that's what i wanted totalk to you about. is it too lateto change my mind?
- you mean, you can do withthat recording date tonight? - yes, sir. i realize, like you said,this is my big chance and i'd likeanother crack at it. - i know. i haven't had a chance to calland cancel the date yet so everything'll be all right. what's the matter, son? did you get scared? - yes, sir.i got scared, that's it.
look, mr. bayliss.the hotel manager's here. will you tell himit's okay for us to stay? - why, sure.oh, but listen, eddie. you get over touniverse recorders. they're at island hollywood. now get thereas soon as possible so you can start rehearsingthe recording gig tonight. - recording, yeah.- and i'll meet you there. - yes, sir. i'll be therein about an hour.
- good.now put the manager on. - it's my dad. says we can stay. huh! - yes, mr. bayliss? - please charge everythingto me and, oh yeah, give them anything they want. - oh, yes.i understand. - mm-hm, in the groin. right. - well, thank you very much.goodbye. well, i guesseverything's all right.
- ha, ha, hewww! - but would you please try tokeep your friends under control? - i will. - well, i guess killing's okay when it's sanctioned by an agent. - yeah. - looks like you're gonna bea big star after all, huh? - huh, yeah, i decided to be a star. - i got to get dressed.
i'm going overto universal recorders. - you want me to go with you? - heck, no, i-- i mean, oh... - i'd like to get my stuff. no. is that it? - that's it. - why don't you stay here and straighten up? - when in hollywood, visit universal recorders. - hi. you all right?
- this your first record? - it's my first anything. i never even sungbefore the tv show last night, professionally, i mean. - no kidding?well, you'll be all right. you're moving mighty fast. this isthe hottest label in town. if your record clicks,you'll be on top in no time. - click.- i sure hope so.
- do you, um,d'you read music? - 'fraid not.- no? well, that's all right.none of the new artistes do. that's what we havethis full dress rehearsal for so you can get used to it. want to run through ita couple of times? - it would help.- all right. if you'll-- - put the dress on. - go ahead and use that mic,why, we'll get going here.
okay, boys, let's do the songso eddie can get the feel of it. - i was like you last week. i was the big star. now i do this. - charles whitman! - cut, cut, cut, cut! get her out of there. - let me explain about-- - shhh, not now.- shnot now? - it's all right.you're here. would you like some coffee?
- yeah.- cream? - black.where's mr. bayliss? - he's over there.i'll get your coffee. - psst. hurry back. - uh, if you two are done in there, we'd like to cut a record. - eddie, you can take it easyfor a few minutes. we've got to checksome levels here. - it's snowing back stage, eddie.
- glad you're back, eddie. - thanks, mr. bayliss.- that was terrific. - i sure appreciate--- ah, forget all about that. but i hopeyou're not gonna change your mind again,though, are you? - no. - eddie,i want to talk to you. - have you see this rash, eddie? - now, helen seemed to think
that you're insome sort of trouble. - are you pregnant, eddie? - now what is it, son?why don't you tell me? - i can't. - i can't understandwhat you do with a wild bunch of punkslike that. and that's all they are,you know? - i know it. - then, why don't youbreak away from them?
tell 'em to leave you alone? - i can't.don't you understand? i can't.- you mean, you don't want to? - of course i want to. but i can't,they won't let me. - you know, i've known you for well over an hour, eddie, and i think you're wonderful. - that is i--ah, forget it. - they really have a holdon you, haven't they?
♪ they really have a hold on you ♪ - here's your coffee. - oh, thanks. - it's scalding my hand, hurry. ah, ah. - here's to us. - to us? - staying in the spare room. i forget to mention it. it's okay, eddie.
- boy, and with cream! euk! - are you ready to try one? - yeah, i guess so. - excuse me, i've got to go sing my number one hit single. - we'll hear thisin the booth. - i'll hear this in my nightmares. - i'll wait 'til it comes out in the stores. - what's a mathematician doing conducting? - it's beatnik music.
♪ ...thief with a thing and the deal ♪ ♪ a la la ♪ - ♪ you'd better be carefulor you may be next ♪ ♪ it strikes-- ♪ - bang! - ♪ when you neverexpect it to ♪ ♪ yes love is a thief ♪ ♪ that will stealthe heart of you ♪ - ♪ and we're sorry we popped that fat barkeep ♪
- ♪ love wears a mask ♪ - ♪ a tight leather mask ♪ - ♪ beware of that innocentlook in its eyes ♪ ♪ it hits-- ♪ - ♪ and there's nothingthat you can do ♪ - ♪ when you're backed up ♪ ♪ by george you can't survive ♪ - ♪ love is a thief thatyou've got to surrender to ♪ - he's really something special,isn't he, harry?
- yeah.- ♪ laugh if you will-- ♪ - but i hope i didn't bite offmore than i can chew. - you bit him too?- what do you mean? - you know, you were right. that kid's ina heap of trouble. - what kind? - well, i don't knowbut it's got something to do with that ganghe runs around with. - he's pals with that meyer lansky character.
- harry, we've got to help him. - how?- i don't know. talk to them,explain to them, something. find out what it is, harry. - they could dress like beatniks and go undercover. - please? for me. - are they gonna kiss? if they're gonna kiss, i'll throw up, i promise. - hey, yuk. mushy stuff.
- she looks like donald sutherland in drag. - crazy. - ♪ leather coatdom-ba-doom dom-da-dom-dom ♪ ♪ ducktail hair ♪ - wait a minute,wait a minute, kid. sing that again.- what you mean-- ♪ leather coatdom-ba-doom da-da-da-- ♪ - wait a minute,wait a minute, wait a minute. the other part.- ♪ ducktail hair ♪
- that's it, kid.i'm gonna make you a star. - really? wow!- yup. - gee, i don't know about this,colonel robinson. i'm just a simplebass-ackwards country boy who loves his mama. what's so great aboutbeing a star anyhoo? [clicking fingers] say, my own plasty-facedbutt-lady. huh, come here, baby,
i'll show youthe meaning of love. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. ♪ leather coatdom-ba-doom dom-da-dom-dom ♪ ♪ dom-ba-doom dom-da-dom ♪ i think that's a cut, jimmy.let's go ahead. thank you, topo gigio. now for the newest singingsensation, tom servo. thank you very much. ♪ leather coatdom-ba-doom dom-da-dom-- ♪
i'm not finished. - okay.- what's my motivation? - daddio, take 25. - want some? - um, uh. - oh, cut, cut, cut.this servo guy's useless. this is the last time we hire a leading manwith inoperable arms. stop servo, you're fired.give me that contino kid.
- but, but, but,i didn't have a-- - okay, cut. ♪ leather barslingshot briefs ♪ say, i know you.don't you remember me? why are you leaving mehanging like this? i'm tom servo.i'm tom servo! - i never knew him. - ugh. - tom servo, everythinghe touched, he destroyed.
we'll be right back. - you're okay. you went through a lot today already. - i think our story is better than theirs. - we're standing in his way,is that it? - well, i don't know but i knowhe's involved with you in some sort of trouble,isn't he? - he snagged on me. - he didn't tell me anything.
but look, i knowyou're in some sort of a jam. now why don't you tell me?maybe i could help. - [laughing]why should you help us? - well, if everything goesall right with eddie, we'll be togethera long time. i'd just like to knowall about him and you and-- - then why don't you ask eddie? - well, he won't tell meanything. - that's our boy, eddie.he wouldn't squeal on us.
- tonight on " crossfire. " - what did he tell you? - nothing, i said.- "nothing, i said." you're lyingin your big fat teeth, mister. - hey, moon, take it easy. - you think you can getyour boy off the hook by turning us in,isn't that it? - moon, shut up!he don't know nothing. - yeah, that's it, isn't it?
- hey, keep it down. some of us have to rob a store in the morning. - you've probably gotthis place lousy with cops. i was right. - duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh-- - down there.filthy with fuzz. - you better getout of here, quick. - uh-oh.- come on. - i'm a pixie.- you're goin' no place, mister.
you invited yourself up hereand you are goin' to stay. - honestly, son, i don't knowwhat you're talking about. - let him go, moonie.he ain't gonna talk. - no, he ain't gonna talk. he ain't gonnaget a chance to talk. get back. back! - moonie, stop it.you're gonna get us all burned. - what's the differenceif you kill 1, 2 or 100? - uh, 98.- ...buddy eddie too.
i've always wantedto get eddie. - johnny longcrotch. - you're the guy who's gonnamake eddie a big celebrity, ain't you? like me, a big celebrity. d'you read the morning papersthis morning, daddy, huh? - uh, just taffy. - i'm in the morning papers, me. - then read the super quiz, man.
- ...that barkeep.they don't know i done it. well, i'm gonna tell 'emi done it. - well, i didn't recognize your work. - you don't knowwhat you are doing. - i killed that fat barkeep!! - boy, isn't that interesting? he took 10% out of the agent. - you're crazy, moonie!you're crazy, crazy, crazy! - what a nasty slice. - what about our continental breakfast?
- hey, what'sgoing on in there? - now we're in for it.- open up. this is the house dick,can you hear me? - uh-oh.- what'll we do? - i'll take care of 'em. come and get us, fuzz. - uh, technically, would this now be considered a killing spree? - no. no, no!
- stop the over-acting. [knocking on door]- open up! - take that and this and that! - let's get out of here. - moonie,i ain't goin' with you. - i ain't goin' with you,moonie! - come with me!- no! - they shoot horse faces, don't they? - hope so.
- you lousy fucks.come and get us! - he's going through puberty, all of a sudden. - this is the scene that got him the part in the big ballet premier. - east side, west side. - stop him! he's got a drum set! - oh, he's fallen into a board meeting. - manics! - oh, he hit allan sherman.
- you better stay here, sister,you're not going anywhere. - not looking like that. ♪ meet george jetson! hah! ♪ - that was a bad edit. - heh, the medium's the message, jerk. ha. the printed word is dead. - okay, that's it, fellas.'til tonight. - it ain't working. - i'm sorry.
- good going, eddie.went very nice. you won't forgetabout 7 o'clock tonight? - i'll be here.- okay, we'll see you then. - my house, bring a casserole. - note to me, "fire eddie." - well, how do you feel? - i'll make it.come here. - that's far enough. - i want to talk to you aboutthat phone call last night.
i didn't mean it. - i know you didn't.neither did i. about goodbye, i mean. - well, i didn't mean it first. - about how i feel. i wish i could tell youabout myself but i-- - what are you afraid of? - escalators.- that you won't love me. - honestly, darling, i love youand nothing will change it.
- don't say i didn't warn you. - hello there. - when's mr. baylissgetting back? he'll be here for the session,won't he? - of course. - helen tracy, telephone. you can take it out there. - helen tracy, telephone.brought to you by [indistinct]. - hello?
yes, this is she. - ...dying... - hospital?well, what happened? - your [indistinct]. - oh no. - he just signed the hudson brothers. - yes, of course,i'll be right over. oh, poor harry. - what about harry?what happened?
- he's badly hurt.- hurt how? accident? - no. i sent him overto your hotel to talk to-- - to talk to who?moonie and the others? - there was a fightor something. moonie stabbed him. - oh, no. that crazy-- - mixed up, wonderful hoodlum. - eddie, please.- i'll get him for this. - i've got to getto the hospital.
- i'm going with you. there are some thingsi've got to tell you on the way. things you ought to know,come on. - i have a hiatus hernia. thought you might want to know. - i got a really bad hip going on. - twisted rotator cuff. - oh, right, a taxi in l.a. this has got to be a movie. - oh, spare us not one moment of their trip to the hospital.
- well, i want to go see my manager but first i got to get a rack of ribs. - you kids go ahead. cab ride's on me. - okay, myrtle, let's go back and change the bedpans. - oh, you know, that heart attack patient is buzzing again. - danny aiello! - [groaning] oh, but, son, i'm gonna bury you. oh.
- hey, let's put his hand in warm water. - oh, harry, i'm so sorry. - shot in the face, huh? - mr. bayliss? - you do have a big face. - i want to tell youhow sorry i am. that crazy-- - hey, please forget it.i'm okay. - relatives?
- no, i work for mr. bayliss. - oh.- and my friends stabbed him. - i'm lieutenant matten.we got most of the gang but the guy who cut upmr. bayliss got away. - hey, you're paul frees. - i hope so. - the ones we havein custody won't talk. but the hotel manager gave usa description of the other two. - two?
- there's moonieand eddie crane. mr. bayliss,you can talk now. i wonder if you couldhelp us find 'em. - well, they did say something about the la brea tar pits. - i couldn't tell youwhere they are. - unless you wouldn't-- - accessory after the facttheater will return after this. - meanwhile, at the same time... - what are you thinking about?
- you and me.- and pegboard. - but i know about it now and it hasn't changedthe way i feel. and you know howmr. bayliss feels about you. - i know.the cops are looking for me. you and mr. baylisslying to protect me. i'm not gonna mess upyour life, helen. and i'm not gonna runanymore. - eddie, please.
- it's no use. - mess up my life.- you don't understand. i've finally foundsomething to live for. everything i wantis right here. - in dianetics. - and i can't have it this way. - oh, eddie. - you understandwhat i have to do. - yes.
- pssssss. ow, my shoulder! - let's create the scene from " videodrome ." - tell 'em they can findeddie crane here. - who? - oh, don't ask me to do that.i can't. - please, for me? - i'm no good on the phone. - i'm gonna chicken outthe last minute. if you love me,do it for me.
go on. - okay. - uh, is that a "yes"? - okay, let's make it. - the whole band was listening? - hmm, national 29000. - you have reached a bald man. press 1 for-- - got a man pickup. suspect eddie craneat universal recorders.
[police siren] - hey, quit whining. ♪ left me fumbling with the blues ♪ - hey, what's this? i found a wheat penny. - hmm, this is juicy fruit. ♪ meet george jetson hah! uh! ♪ - [indistinct] just drove by. - okay, that was fine,eddie, real fine. - i didn't start yet.
- you want to hearthe playback? - can you hold it a minute?i'll be right back. - yeah, sure, you bet. - gonna see if there's any ham sandwiches left. - well, i've been bald since i was 40. - that's right. thank you.- oh great. she's checking her bank balance. - uh, can i use the phone?- did you do it?
good. - i am the gassed meter reader. it's an old joke. - hey, eddie. - oh, hi, moon. how was your spree? - thanks, all done, man. - i'll be right back. - i've got to help him cinch his pants up. - well, whaddya know?
it says right here that soup is good food. surprised to seeyour old buddy? - oh, is he here? - yeah, i thoughtyou'd be out of town by now. where you been?you loaded? - oh, no, i'm not loaded.i'm tired, man. i've had a day. - you know something, moon,they're looking for you. - yeah? you too, huh?
- i like that man. - i'm sure gladto see you, moon. - no kidding, eddie? i thought you'd be mad. - boy, that's [indistinct] . - the way i leanedon old bayliss. boy, i really got him,didn't i, eddie? i got him good. - this is so intense.
- for me, yeah?- yeah. - you know something?it's always for me, isn't it? - when i went backinto that bar, that fat barkeep charliesaid he was-- - what are you talking about? you're not talkingabout the barkeep-- - well, that's his name, it's fat w. barkeep. - i'm talking about bayliss. bayliss.bayliss!
- barkeep was his best work. he's never topped himself. - he said he wasgonna tell the cops and they'd take you awayand burn you. - you know something, moon?you're so sick, you don't even knowwhen you're lying. - oh, eddie,what are you saying? - oh, he's too drunk to even know... - i done it for you, man,so you could be a big shot. did you readthe evening papers, eddie?
- come on, here, man. read 'em about that, man. - you're a punk. - i'm not a punk. i'm a new romantic, all right? - after i come all this way so we could go off togetherlike we always did. here, remember that storeeddie knows to hold up? well, i was thinking,we could go down there and grab us some quick loot and get down to mexicoand be bandidos.
- yeah, and then we can ride yoshi to the mushroom kingdom. - how does that move ya,eddie, man? - we're going somewheretogether. but it ain't gonna be mexico. - goin' up the river. the big house, the pen, the hoosegow, the clink, the lock-up. - you're gonna turn me in, man?
- i'll turn you in-- to a decent human being. - now i'm awful gladyou said that, eddie. 'cause now i can tell youwhy i really came. i was gonna wait 'tili get down to mexico but now's a good timeas any, man. - grammar, moon. grammar! - i'm gonna get you.man, i'm gonna get you good. now, i'm gonna spread youall over this alley. - there it is!
- you know, that is how i imagined dean moriarty. - come on, punk.get me, i'm here. - bernacko, no. - swing and a miss. [indistinct] now. - let me tell you, that-- - this one's for [indistinct] . - gonna tammy towel you, man. - well, berretta or tumor should be here any minute. - man, for a recording studio, they got a ton of garbage.
- ♪ meet george jetson ♪ ♪ jane his skirt ♪ - you know, they're gonna get really messy playing that way. - oh, they got their playing clothes on. - oh, good. - easy-opening hand. - you know, if any real beatniks come by, it's really gonna be embarrassing. - eddie? eddie!
- eddie, break-time's over. we're ready for you. - eddie! look out!- another break in continuity! - i hate you, garbage can, i hate you. - wait a minute, do that in the 5-8. i think you've got something there. - uh, eddie, we really need you to finish your hit record. - uh, your little friend will still be in the garbage can when we're done. - that's good for the quads, you know?
- that's right. - uh, you guys seen any hoodlums around here? - all right, show's over. nothing to see here. go home, people. - i'm eddie crane. - hey, give me a second,will you? - uh, 1001... - hey, i'd like a little of that action too, if you don't mind.
then we got to go. - come on. plenty of time for that in the big house. - all right, eddie, scooch over, i'm riding shotgun. - you two play niceor i'll turn this thing around. - let that be a lesson to you. - morrisey was in this. - no wonder it was so depressing.
- yeah. i wonder what's gonna happen to him. - oh, 5 to 10. - no, he'll hire a high-powered beatnik lawyer. - you know, joel,i have to say this was the besttony travis film i've ever seen. - well, for once, i'm gonna have to agreewith you, little buddy. have you seen crow around? - yeah, i saw him runningafter gypsy with a knife.
- oh, okay, well,this is a letter. i think it's time to read it. it's from a woman named ceein pearl city, hawaii. let's put that onstill [indistinct]. okay, and that. and cee writes,"dear joel and the bots. "forced into the bleakisolation of my room "by an angry mother,my punishment is to write, "'i will not call my moma dickweed' a million times.
"before i begin thisseemingly impossible task, "i must know in the interestof justice for all, is 'dickweed' a swear word?" um, no. - no.- no. - no, it's definitelynot a swear word. - no, it's clean.you're cool. you can stop writing, "i will not call my moma dickweed."
- no, no! - agh, agh.agh, croow. - where'd she go, man?where'd she go? - croow,put that rubber knife away, you're scaring gypsy. - i did it for you, eddie. - oh, great,he's in moon mode again. and now i'm gonnamoon you, man. i'm gonna moon you.
- well, that's gonna be tough 'cause you really don'thave a hinder to speak of. - that's it.that's it! - aghh!- oh, oh. - take care of my turtle. - i will, tommy.- stop my milk delivery. - okay, i will--i will do it. - pick up my mail. cancel subscriptionto "national review."
- continue to tape"baywatch" for me. - all right. - take my step aerobics classevery tuesday. - all right.come on. okay, come on, get up.here, come on, you two. come on, face forward.say the words, come on. both:okay. - whaddya think, sirs? - [whispers]dickweed.
- well, joel, there'sa lot of heat around us now. several toy companiesare interested in making dollsin our likeness and we're takinga lot of meetings today. - who's going to drive,your plumpiness? - push the button, frank. push the button. i'll do it. - agghhh.
- wait, wait, wait.just a sec.