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Title : corner tv stands for flat screens uk
corner tv stands for flat screens uk
[applause] stephen colbert: thank you. eric schmidt: welcometo google. stephen colbert: a pleasureto be here in the flesh. i watch you guys onlineall the time. really great show. it's slow, but you just neverknow where the plot's going. eric schmidt: we have askedour employees what questions they have.
i'm going to give youthe first question. this is an anonymous question. stephen colbert: so theyask the employees? you're not askingthe employees. they are. eric schmidt: no. the questions have askedthe employees-- [laughs] eric schmidt: the employeeshave asked the questions--
stephen colbert: so you'vedone nothing. you've done nothing. eric schmidt: i do nothing. that's correct. stephen colbert: you're justa titular figurehead. eric schmidt: that is correct. stephen colbert: all right. eric schmidt: so the anonymousquestion from michael jones goes like this.
stephen colbert: thatsounds like an anonymous name, actually. eric schmidt: "i don'tunderstand the title 'america again, re-becoming the greatnessthat we never weren't.'" this is, of course,your new book, which is already the number one bestseller in the nation. stephen colbert: yes. yes. thank you.
eric schmidt: "'america again'suggests re-creation. 're-becoming' suggestsre-creation. 'the greatness,''we,' is clear. all of this is logical andfine, although obviously yoda-esque. but then case a, 'never were'was the impression that you were trying to create wouldbe a perfect conclusion. but you added the apostrophe,n, t. taken in total, this would bea clever play on words,
meaning once again becoming thecountry we hypothecate, have built in myth or a fable. is this not the title? hmm. case b, 'never weren't' whichis what you chose, which means--" i'm not doneyet, stephen. stephen colbert: i know. no, no. go on.
go on, please. eric schmidt: ok. "which meanswe never were not, and thus never have been. and thus, the whole phrase isonce again becoming the country we have always been. this is strictly logical, whichyou cannot become, which you're not at present." whatdo you say to this? stephen colbert: well,i say to this. to michael--
eric schmidt: this is thehardest and toughest criticism of your title thati have ever seen. stephen colbert: ok. so michael. "michael." "michael jones."michael, the fool says in his heart there is no god. but by god, he means that thingthen which no greater thing can be conceived. but by conceiving of thatthing, he automatically
defines god as whatever hecan greatest imagine. therefore, god does existbecause he has imagined that thing which must be greaterin reality than in his imagination. eric schmidt: i completelyagree. all right. stephen colbert: those of youwho are not familiar with saint anselm's ontologicalargument, i'll boil it down for you again.
"america again, re-becomingthe greatness we never weren't" has to bewritten this way. because clearly, our country'sin trouble. yes? ok. ok, you can tell because i amthe country, and i'm all beaten up on the cover here. we want to re-become thegreatness, right? but if i said, we never were,then that would mean america
was never great. right? eric schmidt: yes. stephen colbert: but if i saidthat we presently aren't, that would mean i am criticizingamerica, which you mustn't ever do. therefore, it's "americaagain, re-becoming the greatness we never weren't."unless you've got something bad to say about america,eric schmidt.
do you have something badto say about america? because let me know. because i'm sure all thesepeople and youtube would love to know what problem you've gotwith the us of a, mister. because i don't. and i've proven it with a titlethat makes no sense. eric schmidt: but ithought you just convinced us that it did. now, i want to continue.
stephen colbert: the titleis a peon to all the-- the republican convention,for instance. the republican conventionsaid, america is great. and we mustn't listen to thesepeople who criticize our country and do not thinkit's the greatest country in the world. and then in the next sentence,they would say, we must return to greatness. they would say it sometimesin the same breath.
eric schmidt: makesperfect sense. stephen colbert: yeah. american exceptionalism meansthe rules don't apply to us. but the feeling on the right isthat we are losing the game of being a country. and so this was tryingto capture both of those feelings. there's a dichotomy. there's a cognitive dissonancethat constantly exists on the
right, and even more stronglynow, that we must return to a greatness that wepresently have. now, i want to explore-- stephen colbert: did anyone-- hold on. did anyone recognize-- i'm sorry i'm stoppingyou in the middle asking me a question. but it's google, andthere are no rules.
i've been told i haveto keep my pants on. but that's it. and that he will enforceit strictly. you will enforcethis strictly. did anyone recognize saintanselm's argument for the ontological existence of god? yes, you did? move to the head of the class,where you already are. eric schmidt: he actuallyused google.
you pretty much ran forpresident and raised a super pac and so forth. i did absolutely havea super pac. and i kind of ranfor president. i ran as much for president asi wanted to avoid violating federal law. eric schmidt: ok. good answer. stephen colbert: good lawyer.
eric schmidt: now, jim deminthas just announced-- stephen colbert: jimdemint, yes. jim's a friend. but go ahead. eric schmidt: he's justannounced that he's retiring. and it occurs to me thatyou might want to-- you're from south carolinaoriginally, i think. i'm from south carolina,the palmetto state. eric schmidt: you might wantto run for senate.
have you considered-- stephen colbert: no, i do notwant to run for senate. i want nikki haley to justappoint me to senate. that's the great thing. people are asking me, are yougoing to run for senate? i'm like, no. why would you run? she just gets tosay, it's you. so yeah.
i'm honored by what you'reimplying and by the groundswell that i've felt. but obviously, that's somethingi have to take up with my family and my pastorbefore i decide whether to take that position. is there another question,senator? eric schmidt: do you think thatbill o'reilly would be a better choice? stephen colbert: he's notfrom south carolina.
but he's a very talented man. and i sincerely admire hisbroadcasting abilities. eric schmidt: but you're lockedin a deathly battle. stephen colbert: withbill right now? stephen colbert: oh,you mean over the-- eric schmidt: the book. stephen colbert: overthe book, exactly. bill's got a book out called"killing kennedy." and i admire his obsession withterrible things happening to
presidents. he's got "killing lincoln,""killing kennedy," "sodomizing coolidge." that'sa kids' book. and he was on jonstewart's show. and he said his next book'sgoing to be called "killing colbert." and it broke mycharacter's heart so much to hear papa bear say that. so we launched operation killing"killing kennedy," where i'm just telling myaudience out there--
i'm not telling youto buy my book. i don't want to abusethe relationship. but i'm just reminding them,if you're going to buy my book-- and you are. if you're going to buy my book,just do it all in one week so we can leapfrogat least one of his killing books. eric schmidt: which weekdo you want us to all buy your book?
stephen colbert: right now. as we speak. eric schmidt: right now? this week? stephen colbert:yes, right now. go right now and go to a localbookstore, a small bookstore, a big bookstore, online. eric schmidt: your bookis on google play. stephen colbert: whatdoes that mean?
eric schmidt: it'sour online store. you're going to end upbeing your best-- stephen colbert: yeah, i knowall about google play. really? stephen colbert: goto google play. eric schmidt: absolutely. stephen colbert: andwhat happens there? eric schmidt: people are goingto pay you lots of money to buy your book.
stephen colbert: well, thenit's a wonderful service. eric schmidt: excellent. stephen colbert: so you gothere, and you click on it? it's like going to-- it's like that one that's namedafter a rainforest? you go to that one, and youclick on it, and you get it? eric schmidt: yes, it's thecompetitor to the rainforest. stephen colbert: good. eric schmidt: and furthermoreit's--
because we got to preservethat rainforest. we got to start making booksout of that rainforest. do you get a physical book fromyou guys, or is it all the ebook thing? eric schmidt: it'san ebook thing. stephen colbert: it'sonly ebook? eric schmidt: you can geta physical book, too. we'll sell you one of those. stephen colbert: you will?
eric schmidt: yeah, we'll getit through your publisher. eric schmidt: at listprice, no less. stephen colbert: what? at less price? eric schmidt: at list price. stephen colbert:at list price. at list price? so go to google+ for no deal. if you're willing to pay list--which you should.
because if you pay list price,they include more book. eric schmidt: understood. stephen colbert: i'm not goingto give any of this stuff away for free. eric schmidt: i want toexplore some of the-- and i should not turn this intoan android commercial. stephen colbert: go ahead. eric schmidt: butandroid is now-- stephen colbert: now,android is?
eric schmidt: the operatingsystem that we sell. stephen colbert: got it. got it. eric schmidt: and androidis five times larger than the iphone. i know. eric schmidt: and googleplay runs on that. stephen colbert: no, iread that someplace. eric schmidt: so people willactually be reading your book
on the most popularoperating system. stephen colbert: then it's goingto make my book better. eric schmidt: which iswhy we support it. stephen colbert: great. eric schmidt: good. let's try-- stephen colbert: i havea google tablet. i have a google tablet. i have that littlegoogle tablet.
it's got that slightly pebbledfinish and everything. eric schmidt: it's phenomenallysuccessful. stephen colbert: can imake a suggestion? stephen colbert: can i add anexternal volume thing on it? eric schmidt: yeah. stephen colbert: because youactually got to go into a screen to do the volume. an external-- eric schmidt: thatwould cost extra.
stephen colbert: i'mmade of money. stephen colbert: afterthis thing-- eric schmidt: i want to explorethe precedents that brought you to this view ofamerican exceptionalism. and i want to understand why"a man for all seasons" is your most favorite book. stephen colbert: well,it's a play. but the book form of it isactually one of my favorite things to read.
the introduction to "a man forall seasons," which is by robert bolt-- and if you'venever seen it, it's the story of sir thomas more,or saint thomas more if you're a catholic. and i'm a catholic. and it's the story of the manwho was a friend of the king, king henry viii. and he was made chancellorof england. and henry wanted to get ridof his wife, be done with
catherine and get anneboleyn in there. and thomas more wouldn't puthis hand on a little black book, raise his hand and say,i agree with the king. he just stayed silent, wouldn'tsay anything. and henry choppedhis head off. eric schmidt: we saw thisin "the tudors." it's a little differentin the play. but less of this in therobert bolt version. i really like it, because it'sthe story about essentially,
is there any part of you, asmore says, is there any part of you that is notyour appetites? is there any part of youthat is not your fears and not your desires? in other words, is thereany part of you that doesn't want or reject? is there any part of you that isjust you and from which you cannot retreat? and
when i first started doing theshow, i asked, especially the people who were at the head ofmy show, for instance, allison silverman, who was myoriginal executive. no, she was my firsthead writer. i said, i'd love youto read this essay. because certainly during thebush administration, there was no criticism of president bushwhen he first started. we tried to fix that. eric schmidt: yes, i'm goingto come back to that.
eric schmidt: i'm goingto come back. and there were so many peoplewho were afraid to be critical of the government at all becauseyou could be called anti-american. and i love the play, because inthis example, he loves the king but can't agree with him,in the same way that someone could love their country butnot agree with them. and can you bring yourself toswim against the tide of all your fellows?
can you keep yourself with yourown opinions and your own ethics, your own morals,regardless of the tide of the times? and the bush administrationwas-- so many people got swept in thewrong direction, i think. eric schmidt: and whatwas interesting was-- i was in the audience when yougave the speech at the correspondents' dinner. stephen colbert: oh,you were there?
eric schmidt: you know, ihave nothing else to do. and so i was sitting there. and i was shocked that they werefoolish enough to invite you, because you were so good. and i think that performanceput you from sort of a specialized service to atruly national figure. that's my opinion. i think it literallychanged the perception of you in society.
stephen colbert: i went fromboutique to chain store at that point, i guess. eric schmidt: it was likea step function. stephen colbert: what'sa step function? what's a step function? eric schmidt: it's a big jump. stephen colbert: oh, ok. sure. eric schmidt: it's amathematical term.
stephen colbert: likethe number line? like the number line? is that what you mean by math? eric schmidt: that'swhat we do. stephen colbert: number line,i got the number line down. eric schmidt: so it was like areally big discontinuous jump. and why do you thinkthey invited you? did they know what they weregetting themselves into? [thud]
[laughter] stephen colbert: they'recoming for me. i've been waiting. i did peer through theblinds for a couple weeks after that show. i got invited really early. the show started onoctober 17, 2005. and-- [beeping]
eric schmidt: so this buildingwas used by the port authority to bring buses up and down. those are the bus-- stephen colbert: lifts. eric schmidt: --elevators. so there's a truck about to comein and destroy us all. eric schmidt: it's backing up. that's the backing up sound. stephen colbert: well, i'm gladto be here with you at
the end, eric schmidt. eric schmidt: i thought theend was on december 21. stephen colbert:probably, yeah. probably. yeah. though i've-- yeah, probably. eric schmidt: no need to planfor anything on december 22 in the mayan calendar. getting me back to presidentbush, who we've conveniently
forgotten-- stephen colbert: well,i was invited by the press, actually. for the correspondents' dinner,you are invited by whoever is the headof the white house press corps that year. and it was a guy named-- i think it's mark smith was theguy from the ap, i think. and he invited me.
and we were only a fewmonths into the show. we started in october17, 2005. and it was january, i think, orearly february when i got the invitation. and i said to my agent,james dixon-- i said, let me call him back. let me call him back. and i said, i thinki want to do this. i'm going to call him back.
and i called jon stewartimmediately. and i said, hey, jon. i got invited down to thecorrespondents' dinner. what do you think? and he goes, to be a guest? what you mean? and i said, no, they wantme to be the guy. and he goes, what? have they ever seen your show?
and i said, i don't know. i said, i'm not going to ask. and i said, i think i kindof got to do it. and he goes, you'vegot to do it. and then we werereally worried. i knew i'd never get thisopportunity again. no one's ever goingto ask me back. but about two weeks out, westarted working on it about a month out.
and the very first joke we wrotefor it was, people say that this administration is justrearranging deck chairs on the titanic. that is wrong. they are not sinking,they are soaring. if anything, they arerearranging the deck chairs on the hindenburg. and to me, that was the spiritof the entire thing. like, how positivecould we be--
[jabbing sounds] stephen colbert: --whilethey knife them? and the press too. and the press too, of course. because people forget thatwe did 10 minutes on the administration, 10 minuteson the press. but anyway, about three daysbefore i went down there, we'd been working. we do 161 shows a year.
and we pulled very long weeks. as i was saying before,65, 70 hour weeks. and we were super tired. you guys know what that'slike, i'm sure. and i go in, i get my coffeefrom a very nice woman who was from algeria. and i walked into hercoffee shop right before i went down there. and she goes, (algerianaccent) oh,
babies, you're so tired. what's wrong? and this is my algerianaccent. and i told her whati was working on. she goes, you're performingfor the president? i said, yes. and i go, he's going to be fivefeet away from me the whole time. and she said, but youare, uh, a critic.
you're a critic. and i said, yes. but i get to do my jokesjust right at him. and she leaned across. she's a little lady,very cute. and she leans acrossthe counter. and she took my chinin her hand. and she said, it'sa good country. and i said, yeah.
it sure is. and i told that storyto the president. because there's a party beforethe correspondents' dinner that's really great. it's you, some cabinet members,heads of several press organizations,and the president. and my family was there. and my mother lovedpresident bush. he couldn't have beennicer to my mom.
it was really a charmingparty. and i told him that story. because he goes, it'snice we can do this. and i told him the story. and he goes, only in america. and it was a very positive kindof vibe that lasted for about another hour. it was fun. it was a really fun night.
eric schmidt: butfrom that point, something happened in america. you and jon stewart actuallybecame the major political operatives, whether youlike it or not. stephen colbert: i don't. eric schmidt: well, trust me. stephen colbert: becausei'm a comedian. i'm not a political operative. i make jokes about the news.
a lot of the news isabout politics. that's not my fault. stephen colbert: do youknow what i mean? political operative means thatyou have some gain beyond what you're doing. politics itself means i am nottelling you my intention. i am showing you an action thatis causing a reaction from you while i'm playinganother chess piece over here. and together i will triangulatesome secretive way
where i will achievepower over you. political action is classagainst class. i'm not trying to getpower over anybody. that's why i don't likethe idea of political actor in any way. i'm making jokes. i'm trying to makeyou laugh about something that i care about. about something i care about.
eric schmidt: but the fact ofthe matter is that the trusted organizations of oursociety have been replaced by you and jon. stephen colbert: bullshit. and i'll tell you why. i'll tell you why. eric schmidt: am i right? stephen colbert: because ifthat was true, they-- no.
eric schmidt: come on. come on. stephen colbert:that's lovely. that's lovely. because people have askedme this before. and i don't think that's true,because if that was the case, people wouldn't get my jokes. because i'm not explainingthat much to you. first of all, you have to knowwhat i'm referencing to
understand half of my joke. and two, i don't explain thenews story that well to you. people come to mewith knowledge. they might enjoy watching theshow more than they enjoy watching straight news. but they had to have gottennews someplace else before they get to me, or elsethey wouldn't care. eric schmidt: but independent ofwhether i'm right or you're right, the fact ofthe matter is--
stephen colbert: no, no. i'm right. it matters who'sright, i think. it matters who's right. because this is what'swrong with news. they say, independentof who's right, let's talk about something. no. someone's right.
i'm saying you're the problem,eric schmidt. that's what i just said. eric schmidt: let's agree thatthere is an issue between you now and the washingtonestablishment because you have enormous reach. stephen colbert: i've got to becareful where i point this thing is what you're saying? because it's loaded. eric schmidt: wagof the finger.
wag of the finger. exactly, yeah. so do you think you andwashington are oil and water? how do you think it plays out? stephen colbert: man, they don'tseem to like it when i go down there. they're never that thrilledwhen i show up. so i don't know if we'reoil and water. but it's not my world.
i don't have any desire tohave political power. people thought jon and i weredoing that rally to be players and to-- what was it? we were accused of trying toactuate the youth vote and to drive people to the polls towin for the democrats. and we've got this power. how will we exercise thispolitical vote gun that we've got with a quarter of a millionpeople on the mall and
all this attention? and it just reminded me of-- i'm a huge "lord of the rings"fan, as people sometimes know. and there's a great momentin "the lord of the rings" where-- if there's somebody here whodoesn't know the plot, they got a ring. they're trying to destroyit to get rid of sauron. listen, 10 years ago, peoplewere going, oh, yeah.
what's the story about? eric schmidt: is-- stephen colbert: oh, no, no. this is important. there's a meeting towardthe end of it. gandalf says to everybodyhere, everybody in the meeting-- it's aragon andsome other people. and he goes, listen, our onlyhope, our only hope for frodo and sam to succeed is thatsauron cannot imagine anyone
would want to destroythe ring. he can't imagine we don'twant this power. when people kept on saying,what's their intention with this rally? it was like, we're justfrodo and sam. washington is mordor. we're trying to throw the ringof divisiveness into the fires of mount mall. eric schmidt: so why can'tthey just fly frodo into
mordor and throw the ring inand solve this problem? stephen colbert: becausethey'd see him coming. and the nazgul haveflying steeds. eric schmidt: i don't thinkdc has any nazguls. stephen colbert: oh, you'reback to the metaphor. i thought you were talking aboutsomething important, "the lord of the rings." eric schmidt: why don'twe continue? stephen colbert: whatdo you think of my
little metaphor there? eric schmidt: i think yourmetaphor's fantastic. you're a very smart man. eric schmidt: i wantto continue. stephen colbert: thanks to you,we got a great shot of the mall with all thepeople on it. you helped us out withthat map image. eric schmidt: yeah,absolutely. google maps are phenomenal.
ask an apple user. eric schmidt: i want to ask-- things are going really well. stephen colbert: in thisinterview right now? in google. and i wanted to ask, for thebenefit of our employees, tell us more about the colbertplatinum. stephen colbert: colbertplatinum? stephen colbert: well, colbertplatinum, it's a rare
opportunity to upgrade yourmembership to the nation. it upgrades your citizenshipin the united states. it get you into all the finestthings that i can't even tell you about, because you'renot in the platinum yet. you know how rich peoplehave better things than other people? stephen colbert: like that. how do these prospectivemembers join? stephen colbert: working forgoogle is a good start.
the platinum is actually apiece we do on the show, colbert platinum, about theplatinum lifestyle. eric schmidt: now, you telleveryone to turn off their televisions unless they're-- stephen colbert: if you're nota platinum member of the nation, this not for you. so we tell them to go off andgo drink their store brand sodas and come back to us later,which is good for them. i understand it'sgood for them.
they just need thecarbonation. but we stopped doing colbertplatinum, actually, because the economy got so bad that weactually felt it bumming out the audience. so for a while, we changed it. starting in 2009, we stoppeddoing colbert platinum because it really was bummingout people. and also, high end thingsweren't being bought, like personal submarines andstuff like that.
so we changed it for a while. we changed it to colbertaluminum. and then now we justdon't do it at all. but we'll relaunch itagain sometime. eric schmidt: i cannot wait. now are you goingto have a whole year of "hobbit" stories? stephen colbert: no,we did a week. eric schmidt: i knowyou did a week.
stephen colbert: wedid a week of it. and i kind of maxed out. and we got to come back. we got to leave middle earthand come back to america in the new year. eric schmidt: and so in thisdoctrine of american exceptionalism, which is ithink what the book is actually about. stephen colbert: it is.
that's the first chapter is thethesis statement, american exceptionalism. rules don't apply to us. so if that's true, how doesamerica become great if the rules don't apply to us? stephen colbert: buy the book. every chapter tells us how toreturn to what we already know is the right thing, is toreject socialism, reject collectivism, andgo with the gut.
we even have a chapterjust on food. why america is the crispest,crunchiest, most corn-fed nation on earth. and if you are what you eat,then put a stick up our butt, and we're all corn dogs,walking around. eric schmidt: in preparing forthis book, did you study the amendments to theconstitution? and did you have any opinionsabout the amendments? stephen colbert: i always haveopinions about the amendments
to the constitution. i mean, everybody's got theirtop, what their top 10 amendments are. eric schmidt: do you havea top one you like? stephen colbert: my numberone would probably be the second amendment. and my number twowould probably be the first amendment. and then probably my thirdwould be the seventh.
my fourth would be the tenth. fifth would be the ninth. sixth would be the eighth. eric schmidt: is everybodywriting this down? stephen colbert: yeah, get thisdown, because i don't have a rationale behind it. so i won't remember. i'm waiting for you to thinksome more about the amendments, what they stand for,american exceptionalism.
stephen colbert: sure. i have nothing more tosay, eric schmidt. no, but there's nothing aboutthe constitution in the book. eric schmidt: but theconstitution allows this book to be-- it's free speech. stephen colbert: sure, no, no. yeah, well, the secondamendment allows this book to exist.
eric schmidt: the first-- stephen colbert: becauseif anybody-- no, no, the second amendment. because if anybody stopped mefrom publishing this book, i would shoot them in the face. do you understand me? understand me? are we clear? eric schmidt: that'svery, very clear.
stephen colbert: it does. the second amendment guarantees all other liberties. eric schmidt: i think it's timeto start getting some questions from our audience. stephen colbert: that'dbe great. eric schmidt: who would liketo ask a question? we have a microphoneright here. and we have a microphoneright over here.
stephen colbert: i like thesemoments of silence. audience: i've gotone for you. i'm curious to know when's thelast time you had to audition for something. and how did it go? stephen colbert: well, i'lltell you the first time i didn't have to audition forsomething was for "law and order, criminal intent." audience: i actuallyremember that.
stephen colbert: i played aforger who lives with his mother who's sort of a psychowho kills people through the mail with lie bombs. and i didn't have auditionbecause they said, we wrote it with you in mind. audience: nice compliment. stephen colbert: it'sbeen a while. boy, i paid my dues, though. i auditioned for a lot.
i don't know. i mean, i've auditionedfor movies, i guess. but i've been doing myshow for seven years. i don't think i've auditionedfor anything since i've done my show because i don'thave time to hypothetically do something. do you know what i mean? i either have to do my show. or if you'd like me to dosomething, i can try to make
time for it if it still soundslike it's going to be fun or challenging or somethinglike that. but seven years, eight years,something like that. i don't mind auditioning. i really don't. because if i was on the otherside, i would definitely want to know whether theguy could do it. i don't want to hire somebodybecause they're famous or really handsome.
audience: yes. thanks. eric schmidt: you havea question over here. meanwhile, i'll ask you how doyou think google can become the greatness thatwe never weren't? stephen colbert: it kindof already is. and i'm not trying to blowsecondhand smoke up your butt. google can be anythingyou want it to be. because it's a reflectionof your own desire.
it's a porthole toward whatyou want it to be. unless you guys are puttingsome restricters on the information that i think i'mgetting, then it is anything we want it to be. because it's an actuator. or it's a pathway to what wewant, rather than the thing we want itself. so it's the finger that allowsus to look at the moon. we'll take that.
stephen colbert: youknow what i mean? don't look at my finger. you'll miss out on all that-- eric schmidt: everyoneunderstood that's the strategic [inaudible]. go ahead. audience: hi. this is a few years ago, butwhat actually happened between you and "the venturebros." guys?
is there bad blood there, or wasthere a miscommunication? stephen colbert: no, i can'tdo my show and do that. i also had to quit "harveybirdman," too. i just couldn't do my showand do the voiceovers. because i think "the venturebros." was great. and i loved doing "harveybirdman." but they had to wait for me too much. i eventually couldn't doany of it anymore. when i had to quit "harveybirdman," i played a guy named
phil ken sebben and aguy named reducto. and phil ken sebben wouldsay things like, haha, bobbly parts. and when both of them died onone show-- they were both hit by a bus on the same corner atdifferent parts of the same cartoon by the same bus. and if you freeze the frame atthe moment that i get hit, my characters get hit, on theside of the bus, it says, watch "the colbert report,"11:30 on comedy central.
but no, there's no bad blood. i think they're both great. audience: cool. eric schmidt: employees havesubmitted questions online. here's one that i'm not quitesure how to interpret. so i'll just read it to you. eric schmidt: "wouldyou rather fight one horse-sized duck"-- stephen colbert: or oneduck-sized horse.
eric schmidt: --"or 100duck-sized horses?" 100 duck-sized horses,i would say. 100 duck sized horses. eric schmidt: you heardit here first. that's a clear answer. stephen colbert: that'sa clear answer. did i win? is there a right answer there? eric schmidt: i'msure there is.
stephen colbert:how about you? what would you rather do? eric schmidt: i wouldpick the opposite. stephen colbert: ahorse sized duck? are you insane? i mean, it's not a sharpbeak but one blow. the thing has got to weighlike 1,200 pounds. whereas duck-sized horses, youcould just snap their spines as they came at you.
what i don't understand is,why are we fighting them? wait a second. i know why i'm right. because horses are vegetarian,and ducks are carnivores. the duck would come at you. and the horses essentially wouldleave you alone unless your pockets werefilled with hay. eric schmidt: whichthey are not. stephen colbert: which they arenot, as far as we know.
that's a very clear answer. yes, ma'am? audience: can you recall atime that you were struck speechless? several, but the one that leapsto mind immediately was when i had jane fondaon the show. and without preamble, she gotup, sat on my lap, and stuck her tongue in my ear. and i was rigid.
i didn't know what to do. and if anyone's old enough toremember johnny carson, there was the famous time when aspider monkey crawled on top of his head. he was having jack hanna on. and a spider monkey jumpedon his head. and i thought, jane fondais my spider monkey. i don't know what todo with myself. eric schmidt: googlers havecontinued to suggest important
questions as a follow up to theduck versus horse debate. stephen colbert: oh, really? here's the next one. stephen colbert:as a follow up? stephen colbert: from my answer,on a piece of paper? google's that good that they'reactually transmitting onto a piece of paperright now? why are you withholdingthat technology from the rest of us?
eric schmidt: we really are. stephen colbert: wow. eric schmidt: "what are yourplans for welcoming the royal baby?" this is the question. i'm sorry. "any suggestions to what thebaby should be named?" stephen colbert: stephencolbert's got a nice ring to it, obviously. charles phillip arthur george,george phillip arthur charles,
arthur phillip charles george. eric schmidt: all four? stephen colbert: anyone of those. eric schmidt: inwhatever order? if there's an infinitenumber of four names. eric schmidt: there are,well, 2 to the 4th. stephen colbert: 16or something. 2 to the 4 or whateveryou said. eric schmidt: 4 times3 times 2.
stephen colbert: somethinglike that. whatever. again, the number line. the number line. that's what i likedwhen i was a kid. no matter what class you werein, whether you were in first grade or if you were incalculus, the book starts with the number line. first pages is let's remindourselves what integers are.
eric schmidt: anothergoogle has asked-- stephen colbert: that was themiddle of a sentence just now. another googler has asked-- stephen colbert: you peoplehave to put up with this. i'm so sorry. power mad, is what iwould describe you. eric schmidt: googlers haveasked, "how would you officially determine ifa tree is balanced? what is the runtime of youralgorithm?" for your benefit--
stephen colbert: if atree is balanced-- a tree is balanced if youcan hang ornaments on any part of it. eric schmidt: that's avery good argument. did you have a question? yes, go ahead. audience: what is the differencebetween stephen colbert, the person,and stephen colbert, the character?
and what were the challengesin you becoming stephen stephen colbert: there are alot of differences, i hope, between me and my character. i mean, there are some thingswe have in common. we're both from southcarolina. we're both fans oftolkien's work. though, i tried to keep thatseparate at first. i tried to keep that membrane. at first i was like,no, no, no.
that's too important to me. i don't want him to have that. but there were too manyopportunities for me to wax about it. so i went ahead and let thatmembrane be permeable. but we're both supercatholics. he thinks he's captaincatholic. i still go to church. and i'm not a particularlypious or devout catholic.
though i still go. he's a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot. and i'd like to think i'mwell-intentioned. i'm better informedthan he is. he is completely incuriousabout the world. he is living an unexaminedlife. and that's fine with him. he's high status.
i really enjoy beinglow status. i really enjoy playinga weak character. that's why i really enjoyhim is that he is this unbelievably self-importantcharacter. in fact, jim fenhagen,who designed the republican set this year. and he does the olympics. he's a huge set designer. and he's a wonderful guy,an old friend of mine.
i said to him-- when he wasdesigning my first set, i said, i want your inspirationto be da vinci's "last supper." because if you look atda vinci's "last supper," christ has no halo. existence, all of creationis his halo. because there are all theseconverging lines in the room. and in reality, they convergeupon christ's head. as the world is god'sfoot stool-- as it says in matthew--
the world is christ's halo. and so i said, i want mywhole set to be like a halo around me. so if you looked at my originalset, there were these convergent lines thatcome out of my set. and we painted it on the floorso i am the rising sun. there are no televisionmonitors behind me. i'm not like what brianwilliams' or even jon's set. he's got television monitorsbehind him.
and he's conveyingthe news to you. he is a conduit. i am the news. i am a dawn onto my own day. but that's the outward statusof the character. but his weakness and hisincuriousness and his thin skinned quality weakens himin such wonderful ways. and i love that weakness,because i think that's the reality of me.
i think i'm not as welldefined and as he is. and i enjoy copping to thatin my own behavior. eric schmidt: what'sinteresting about-- i think there is union in yourcharacter and you personally. you're very supportiveof the troops. and i remember when you were iniraq, you got the president to order you to get a haircut. eric schmidt: pretty serious. stephen colbert: that was fun.
sure, yeah. i knew i wanted to have myhead shaved, because i thought, oh, that'll feelgood in the room. that'll feel good withall the troops. and i said, who couldshave my head? the general. well, who's going to makethe general do it? the president. and everybody said yes.
it was really lovely. eric schmidt: and i think thiswork that you're doing with the troops is fantastic. was there some reason in growingup or something that you felt that way? or is it just you'rejust a genuine patriot about this stuff? stephen colbert: i don't know. i'm a genuine patriot.
i love my country. and i think patriotismdoes not require focus on the troops. there are other ways to bepatriotic other than association with the military. that being said, i think notenough attention is paid to the men and women who make thesacrifices that we have collectively decided they shouldmake and then ignore. eric schmidt: i agree.
stephen colbert: we'reall responsible. we all are sendingthe troop orders. and we did it without a lot ofthought, but with a lot of emotion 10, 11 years ago, andnot a lot of discussion. and then we thoughtour job was done. and so because i talk about ita lot, or used to talk about it more when it was more in theconsciousness, especially the news consciousness, becausemy show is a shadow of the actual news.
and i'm, in some ways, veryreactive that way. i felt at a certain point thati had a responsibility, along with my responsibility to befunny, to take opportunities that came to me to talk aboutthe troops when i can. i have an 82nd airborne flagin my office because very early on in the show, a youngman and his wife came. and she had to speak forhim because he had such bad brain damage. and he still could hear.
but he couldn't reallyconverse. and he enjoyed the show. and he gave me the flag. and all he could really getout was, don't forget us. please keep talking about us. so i've got it on my wall. and i think about it. and we don't nearly do enough. and we don't help asmuch as we should.
but certainly, when you have an opportunity that fits within-- i still have the responsibility to do a comedy show. when i can fit those two thingstogether, we're more than happy to try tomake it happen. and as i said, weshould do more. eric schmidt: well, we stillhave 100,000 troops in afghanistan.
stephen colbert: right. right. i mean, we went to iraq. and i'd love to be able to dosomething in afghanistan, too. and sadly, i think i mighthave the time to. go head. audience: so a few year's back,you suffered a terrible work related injuryat your wrist. so my question to you is, doyou plan to expand to other
body parts, like ankles, legs? stephen colbert: anything thatshatters, i will call attention to. audience: thank you. stephen colbert: anything thathappens to me-- that's the nice thing about the characterand one of the things that saves me when there's downtime in the news is that anything i think is worthtalking about is news. that's the character,can name it.
anything that happens to me isthe most important thing that's happening right now. and when i broke my wrist, sadto say, the first thing i thought of is content. audience: and i havea further question. how is your auditioning of ericschmidt going right now? and do you plan on takingeric on your book tour? stephen colbert: he'sdoing very well. he's doing very well.
do you have an up tempoor a ballad? eric schmidt: oh, my god. stephen colbert: [singing] i really can't stay. baby, it's cold outside. hit it. eric schmidt: i learnedhow to dance with psy. that was enough. stephen colbert: you did?
eric schmidt: i wasreally bad. stephen colbert: so is he. eric schmidt: come on, he isthe number one cultural phenomenon, 800,000,000-- stephen colbert: and if it'spopular, it must be good. speaking of which, again, manygooglers have been asking questions about your upcomingyoutube show. stephen colbert: yeah,what is that? i have an upcomingyoutube show?
eric schmidt: yes, we have alldecided that you have to have a youtube show of some kind. does that violate my contractwith viacom to have that? because you guys had a billiondollar lawsuit against each other, you realize. and sumner redstonewould rather see your head on a stick. eric schmidt: you actually askedus on television to give you the money.
you forget. stephen colbert: no,i don't forget. you never gave it to me. eric schmidt: i know. we discussed-- stephen colbert: if you gave themoney, i'd be knee deep in hookers and blow,and i'd forget. and i was deposed. i was deposed forthat lawsuit.
eric schmidt: i know you were. stephen colbert: and i'vegot a good story if you'd stop talking. what was your question? eric schmidt: tell your story. so it's been a few years. i don't think i'm violatinganything. so i got deposed for the youtubegoogle thing, the viacom thing.
because boy, they weremad at you guys. they were so mad at you guys. and so your all's lawyer broughtme in to say, well, how isn't youtube great? and wouldn't you not have a showif it wasn't for youtube? and all those kindof questions. and the lawyer for google wouldread me statements that i said on air. and i said, well, ididn't say that.
and he goes, no, you said it. you said it on this broadcast. i said, no, my charactersaid that. and my character's notunder oath right now. and they said, well, if yourcharacter were here, what would he say? and so i would say, ok, well,i'll tell you what. i'll tell you what. if you ask me questions that mycharacter has to answer as
opposed to me, i'll move mycoffee cup to the other side of my place here. and then you'll know i'mspeaking as my character. and so they'd askme a question. i'd keep my cup over here. and then in the middle of aquestion, i'd start moving it over to the side. because i realized theywere asking me something for my character.
and the person would go, letthe record reflect that the coffee cup is now on the leftside of mr. colbert. eric schmidt: youhave a question. stephen colbert: my character'sanswer was always like, i don't know what you'retalking about, buddy. eric schmidt: yes, ma'am? audience: i was just wonderingif you have anything left on your career wish list? i just don't know.
i never know what's goingto happen even tomorrow. i just got to spend the weekwith some of my favorite creative artists with "thehobbit." it was unbelievable. weta workshop made memy own hobbit feet. next week, i get to sing withall these wonderful artists doing christmas carols. i've done my own christmasspecial. i've had a rally on the mall. i've testified beforecongress.
i may or may not appearin "the hobbit." the nice thing about myshow-- and whether or not i do show forever-- i mean, everything ends. but whether or not i do the showforever, the nice thing about my show is that as thehost and executive producer, i get to ask of myself anythingi want to try. but that also means, i haveto do everything i know. and so it's just this tremendoussort of refreshing
gift, as tiring as the showis, because i am kind of decaying before your eyes. in the same the way, it'salso rejuvenating. because the show is onlywhat i want it to be. i can always say no to myselfor ask myself something new. but beyond this, i just wantto work with people i like. i love the people i work with. i love what we do. and i just want to be ableto do it with joy.
and the moment i can't do that,i have got to stop and try to do something else. audience: there are times whenyou've taken your persona outside of the show itself,like when you ran for president or startedyour super pac. and i was curious, how did youget the idea to do that? or why did you decide to starttaking the character outside of the show itself? stephen colbert: well, he thinkshe belongs everywhere.
you know what i mean? he thinks he belongseverywhere. audience: so did he make thedecision, or did you? stephen colbert:you know what? eric schmidt: that sounds likeone of those google-- stephen colbert: my ego is justbig enough that i'd like to think i'm in thedriver's seat. but i'm not entirely sure. eric schmidt: that soundslike one of those
google lawyer questions. are you a google lawyer? audience: no, i'm an engineer. eric schmidt: ah, even worse. very precise. stephen colbert: i like puttinghim in situations. because he thinks he belongseverywhere, anywhere he goes, as long as we can preparefor the situation, i rarely take him.
i do talk shows,like right now. or if i go on dave, or i doany news talk shows or anything like that, or even thebooks tour, any place i would do it, i'm only myself. i could lapse into him or theway he might behave at times. but out of context, he clangsagainst the world. and i have to be preparedfor that clang. and so i'm very prepared forthe correspondents' dinner. we're very prepared forthe rally in the mall.
i'm very preparedto go to iraq. i'm very prepared to testifybefore congress. i'm very prepared to give atestimony any place, appear before the fec, or give a speechto supporters on the streets of washington, dc. there's a lot of preparationthat goes into that. and i like it becausei like changing the context of a space. i like changing the context ofa supposedly not performance
space into a performancespace and to see-- well, here's whati like to do. i like to think of the characteras a pebble that i can throw into the news and thenreport on my own ripples. and i've said this before, butjon stewart has characterized what he does as sitting at theback of america's classroom and shooting spit balls. i am the spit ball. and i like to shoot myself intoit and see what it looks
like when i'm in a news story. for instance, appointed senatorof south carolina. that's interesting. i didn't intend that. usually the best ones, i didn'tactuate, i didn't push. they were invitations. i didn't say, i want to testifybefore congress. they asked me. and i said, you know this isgoing to be a terrible idea?
and they said, we wantyou to come anyway. and i said, all right. in the same way, yesterday iwas just walking around, nothing happening. and suddenly, there wasa horse underneath me. and it was me being senatorfrom south carolina. i thought, how delightful. how delightful that we'veplanned all these seeds of political activismin my home state.
and it is a reasonable,ridiculous thing to surmise that i might get the job. but when you put yourself inthe story, and i put this character, this very falsecharacter into a story, anything that lookslike me in that story is probably bullshit. and that's a specificway of doing satire. it's satire by comparison,rather than satire by deconstruction, if youcan understand
the difference there. i'm falsely constructing thesatire as opposed to deconstructing otherpeople's behavior. eric schmidt: twomore questions. i have a question. stephen colbert: i'vereally enjoyed this, before we get to this. this has been lovely. eric schmidt: you haven't heardthe last two questions.
now, i'm concerned aboutend of year timing. stephen colbert: endof year timing? eric schmidt: endof year timing. because this week is the weekwe need to buy this book, en masse, globally, everyone. this is the first weekthat you need to. eric schmidt: the first week? then we have december 21, whichis the end of the world, which is the mayancalendar date.
do we know how that'shappening? eric schmidt: you'll haveto do some research on google on this. perhaps we could look it upwhile we're chatting. and then we have the fiscalcliff, which washington is obsessed about. so do you have any comments onthe fiscal cliff and its timing after your book andafter the mayan end? stephen colbert: i'd rather theworld come to an end than
talk about marginal tax rates. we've got a pretty darn goodfiscal cliff script. i think that first show afterthanksgiving was the first show that i thought, oh,this is the first show after the election. because after the election, upto thanksgiving, you're just sweeping up shrapnel from theelection, emotional and political shrapnel from it. and then the first show back,we knew the fiscal
cliff was a big thing. we did a piece. it was a perfectly fine,first act piece. we had a guest. we had reihan salam on the showto talk about republicans capitulating taxes. and right after that, we wroteanother really nice fiscal cliff piece that i keep waitingto be out of date. but the ball just won'tmove that much.
i mean, obama can submithis thing. the republicans can submittheir thing. but the story isstill the same. the story's about,you go first. you go first. eric schmidt: one side couldtry to hide from the other. stephen colbert:what'd you say? stephen colbert: thensomeone has to yell, olly olly oxen free?
eric schmidt: that's right. stephen colbert: i'm actually soavoiding talking about the fiscal cliff that i actuallydid a week on "the hobbit." eric schmidt: we'llhave you have the honor of the last question. audience: uh-oh. do you need a writerin that case? i guess that's whati should ask? why did comedy become yourthing, do you think?
or did comedy pick you? stephen colbert: well, that'sa nice way of putting it. that's a nice wayof putting it. i would say, i can't underemphasize how important comedy's been to my life andhow important certain opportunities that camealong to my life. and many of them seemaccidental. for instance, second city. i didn't think i was goingto be comedian.
i had a secret desire as a high schooler to be a comedian. i didn't know what that meant. i just really likedbeing funny. i'm from one of 11 kids. and we're a funny family. and being funny is important. the king of the room waswhoever was funniest. and i remember as a child,seeing comedy helped.
my family had a tragedywhen i was younger. my father and two ofmy brothers died. eric schmidt: oh, i'm sorry. stephen colbert: and i remembermy sister making another one of my sisters laughso hard in the car away from the cemetery. one of my sisters made the othersisters laugh so hard that she fell on the floor ofthe limo, one of those big floors, with the rumble seatfacing each other.
and she fell on thefloor laughing. and i remember thinking,i want to do that. i don't know whether it wasspecifically in the context of dealing with tragedy, becausei was only 10. but i remember specificallythinking, i want that. i'd love to have been ableto do that right now. and then i fell asleep everynight for years listening to bill cosby, "wonderfulness,""very funny fellow," david frye, "richard nixon, afantasy," george carlin,
"class clown," "let's getsmall," "wild and crazy guy." back when you could stackalbums, stack so many of them, the top one kind of playedslow as it went around. and then i went to collegeto be an actor, but an actor actor. i wore black, andi had a beard. and i was like, let me sharemy misery with you. poet slash jerk kind of actor. and then i accidentally met somepeople from second city
and took some classes there andgot invited to audition and accidentally-- just sort of the happyaccident-- fell in with somegreat people. and i quit second city fourtimes in order to go do straight, black boxavant-garde kind of theater in chicago. that's what i was going to be. i was going to live in a studioapartment with no
furniture and a futon on thefloor that i stuffed myself with yak fur. and just single andwith a beard and sandals and a tashiki. and i was going to drink from asamovar that was constantly bubbling in the background. but then one day,i was backstage. i kept on returningto doing comedy. and i was backstage one night.
and this is really the thingthat made the decision for me. i was backstage witha guy named dave razowsky, who does a-- what's it called? a blog? audio? does a podcast. he does a great podcast. what do you kids do?
your podcasts? he's a great guy. we're backstage. somebody was on stage. and they were supposed to doa very simple blackout. and a blackout isa very short-- it's got one joke. and then the lights go out. this is at second city.
it's a pace keeperfor the show. she goes out there. and the blackout is this. you're supposed to say, i'd liketo do a song for you now. welcome to the no exit cafe. i'd like to do a songfor you right now, a song for the whales. and then you tune up yourguitar for a long time. this is a song for the whales.
and then you go,[makes whale sounds]. it's very simple. you do whistle and clicksand everything. it's fine. not a great laugh, butit works every time. she goes out there to do it. i'd like to do a songfor you right now. she goes into her whistlingand her clicking. we're backstage waitingto go on for the next
scene, me and dave. and we said, it's notgetting any laughs. this is foolproof. no laughs at all. what's going on? something's wrong. and then she goes,oh, i forgot. it's song for whales. and we burst into laughterbackstage.
and we threw our arms aroundeach other in the agony of her failure. and we're just laughing. we fell like a collapsingtee-pee. we just fell to the ground. and dave's feet went out ontostage, like this, as we held each other like lovers. the most intimate, joyfulexperience at her pain that we all knew.
and she could hearit happening. and the audience couldsee our feet. and she started laughingat how wonderfully she had just failed. and i thought at that moment,this is what i want. if failure of this scale cancause this much joy for anyone, then this is thehealthiest thing that i could do with the rest of my life. and i will do nothing else.
and i've never looked backfrom that moment. eric schmidt: so stephen, ithink what you see is that it really takes a brilliant manto produce this character. and what i like about this iswe get a sense of who you really are. and we get some extraspecial, too. stephen colbert: well, itwas nice of you to say. eric schmidt: and thankyou very much for coming to google.
now, we've got 30,000,40,000 employees. stephen colbert: so i shouldsign all of them. eric schmidt: let's just reviewwhat they have to do. this book needs tobe the number one best seller this week? eric schmidt: and everyweek thereafter? stephen colbert: well,one week will do. and we'll see what happens. eric schmidt: until my bookcomes out, anyway.
so our instructions are-- stephen colbert: goget the book. eric schmidt: buy the book. stephen colbert: don'teven read it. that doesn't matter to me. i just have to leapfrog one ofo'reilly's best sellers. eric schmidt: i actuallyread it. and it's phenomenal. stephen colbert: youare so perceptive.
there's a reason why youare who you are. eric schmidt: i didn't quiteget the 3d glasses thing. and so i didn't putthem on right. but aside from that,it's a great book. stephen colbert: you didn'tput 3d glasses on right? eric schmidt: no, i didn't. stephen colbert: you couldrun google, but you don't understand 3d glassestechnology? eric schmidt: we havemuch better glasses
technology at google. stephen colbert: i understand. eric schmidt: stephen colbert,thank you very much.