About : television stands furniture india
Title : television stands furniture india
television stands furniture india
( music playing )( cheering, applause ) announcer: ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of "the office"and "extras," writer, director,actor, producer,philanthropist, winner ofthree golden globes, two prime time emmysand seven baftas, all the way from england, mr. ricky gervais!
( cheering ) hello. sync by honeybunnywww.addic7ed.com ( music ends ) thank you.hello, chicago. how are you?wow wow. ( cheering, applause ) thank you so much. thank you so much.thank you.
i, um...thank you. thank you. that was an amazing welcome. i should explain somethingstraightaway. usually when i come outonstage, it's amazing, okay? i'm doing cartwheelsand backflips. it's fucking spectacular,right? but i've hurt my back.that's true actually. i've pulled a muscle inmy spine playing golf. i know what you're thinking...
serves me right for playingsuch a stupid game as golf. but no, i've been in agony. i'm actually on painkillers right now,so... no, it's true. if i suddenly start talking likepaula abdul, you'll know why. i'm not drunk. so when the doctor...this is true. when the doctor gave methe painkillers, he said, "now, you can'tdrink alcohol with these." and i went, "i don'twant them then."
and he went, "what?" i said, "give me somethingyou can drink alcohol with." and he went, "well, you're not meantto drink with any painkillers." "who are you,my fucking mother? just..." so i've been walking roundlike the elephant man for days, but without the big cockobviously. i assume he had a big elephant'scock to match the head. that would make thingsall right then, wouldn't it?
that would sort ofbalance it out, because then he'd look in themirror and he'd sort of go, ( muttering )"oh no. oh look at that fucking head. hold on, though.what's going on down here?" like, "hey!" swings it round about. "so let's celebrate.the buns are on me." so yeah, that's my problems.
i didn't cancel though. don't you hate that,when a night is canceled? you turn up, it goes, "concertcanceled due to sore throat." aw. or "i couldn't go on.i was depressed." aw, poor little artist. can you imaginethe laborer trying that? turning up and going, "i've got alittle tickle and i'm fed up." aw, movethe fucking bricks, mate. never cancel.
i had a gig in dublina couple of months ago, okay? - and as you know, dublin is in ireland...- ( applause ) which is off of...yeah, it's off the coast of great britain. it's not part of britain,but it's very close. it's sort of likeour cuba, i suppose. it's like... man: ouch! ( laughs ) and... and so...
okay, so dublin, o2 arena, 10,000 seats sold outwell in advance, flights booked,really looking forward to it. a few days before the gig, they start groundingthe airplanes because there's a volcanic ashcloud over britain, okay? and if you fly through it,apparently, it would make the planefall out of the sky. and it was like that was it.you couldn't fly in that.
i mean, a volcano goes offin iceland and we can't... what's the pointof iceland, really? you know what i mean?what are they think... just fill in all the volcanoeswith concrete, okay? just...in fact, tarmac the whole country and make it a car parkfor real europe, because it's a wasteof fucking space, okay? and so i'm thinking,"well, i've gotta get there. i can't cancel."
and there were pop stars andpeople coming over from america, and they were canceling their flightbecause they couldn't get in and out. i thought, "i can't." so i hired a helicopterto and from dublin. it cost me â£12,000, right. just because i couldn't bearto let anyone down or take the ferry. that was... they were still running, sure.
but that would have meantmixing with the general public, and i don't... this is about as closeas i ever... you know. so... i don't know if you were affectedby the volcanic ash cloud, but i had friends that werestuck all over the world. and they missed weddingsand funerals, and they had toput themselves up in a hotel for extra daysthey hadn't budgeted for.
and they couldn't get their money backbecause the airlines were saying, "no, we can't pay you because theinsurance companies won't pay us, because they're sayingit's an act of god." well, what isn't an act of god? look, if you believe in god, that's sort of a definitionof him, isn't it? that he does everything.isn't that right? everything is an act of him. he's all-powerful.he's everywhere at once.
he invented every...there was nothing before him. he invented time, everything.he's across it all. he doesn't miss a trickand he's not absent-minded. a volcano going off isn't like himgoing, "fuck, i left the oven on." you know, it's... and who are theseinsurance companies that can decide what isand isn't an act of god? how do they know? have they got a hotline to god?
they call him up, do they? ring ring.ring ring. "yello?" "uh, can i speakto god, please?" "speaking." "oh, i didn't think you'danswer the phone yourself." "what do you want?" "oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud...was that you?" "yeah yeah.
yes, that wasan act of me, all right." "so i shouldn't pay out?" "no, don't fucking pay 'ema penny, son, no." "brilliant brilliant.while i've got you here, did you make a tree fallon steve baxter's car?" "there's a lotof steve baxters." "steve baxter, 2 acacia road, hounslow. it happened at 2:15 on the3rd of june this year." "2:15, 3rd of...no, that wasn't me.
i was in africa that daygiving aids to babies." he does everything.he does everything. mm, i don't make the rules. and well, i'm glad i didn't cancel because it's fantastic to be hereseeing your happy smiley faces, probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get aticket to see a living legend. - or am i...- ( cheering, applause ) shut up.
i know, i know.you lucky fuckers. you really... i'm joking, of course.the pleasure is all mine. thank you so muchfor coming out, spending yourhard-earned cash. i know there's beena recession on. someone told me.i hadn't really... is it still...i don't... it really didn't affect meif i'm being honest. oh dear.
we can laugh about it now.no, come on. i don't understandthe recession. it wasn't till last yeari found out you could gointo your bank and say, "can i withdrawmy cash?" and they could go, "no.""what?" ( weaselly voice )"no, we ain't got it." "i've got â£50,000 saved." ( laughs )"you ain't. you ain't."
"where is it?""lost it." "well, have you checkedthe vault?" "it's empty.""well, what was the point of that? you might as well have kept it in adrawer, you spotty little twat." i don't... i hope you enjoy the show. or you'll let me know,won't you? if i say something funny,you'll laugh and i'll go, "oh, i'll keep that infor the rest of the tour."
if i say something that isn'tfunny, you won't laugh and i'll go,"i'll lose that bit." so some bits tonightwill be exclusive to you. they... they will bethe shit bits, granted. okay, let's start the show.let's get on with it. no one wants to be hereall night. you can have too muchof a good thing, can't you? like heroin.what? though too much heroinis death, basically.
that's when you knowyou've had too... you go, "fuck, i'm dead.i'm fucked." that's the thing thoughwith heroin. try anything once, kids,sure, but know this. no no. you think, "i'll try a heroin. i'll just try one.give me... give me a heroin. give me one heroin, okay?" just have one."what's it like?"
"it's fuckin' lovely. i want more.i can't just have..." it's like pringles. it's like once you pop,you can't stop. that's... i think that's how it works.i'm not an expert. believe it or not, i'venever been a heroin addict. no round of applause for that? see? no.see? no round of applause for neverhaving been a heroin addict.
if i'd have come out hereand go, "i used to be a heroin addict... i used to mug people andshit myself in doorways..." - ( cheering, applause )- exactly. "oh yeah! he... he hasn't donethose things for a while. he hasn't done those things that we never didin the first place." why are you applauding someonefor suddenly acting like a normal memberof society? it's like i've losta bit of weight.
i've lost about 20 lbs.exactly! - ( cheering, applause )- what? no no. you're basically applauding me for only eatingas much as i need now. i should have... i should havealways been doing that. i got fat because i wasa greedy, lazy bastard. there's no other explan...and i needed people to... they come up to me now and they go,"oh, well done. you look great." but they weren't telling mei looked terrible.
they're basically sayingi looked terrible, but no one told me at the time.it was really taboo. i needed waitersto come over and go, "fuck off.you've had enough." and i've been criticizedin the past for having a go at fat people. i've never hada go at fat people. i've only ever pointed outthe fact that you get fat if you take in more caloriesthan you burn off..
that's simple science. i don't judge them in anyother aspect of their life. but that's what happens...you get fat if you take in more caloriesthan you burn off. that's indisputable, okay? now the thing is people thinki'm having a go. i'm not becausei don't judge them. if i see a fat person, i don'tmake assumptions about them other than how they got fat.
and, this is the other thing, they...no, wait wait. not only is thatwhat makes you fat... people know that's what'smaking them fat. no one got fatbehind their own back. no one ate and then went,"what the fuck's that?" it's not a surprise.it's a gradual process. you have loads of timeto back out from this project at any...
also, no one's sneakinginto thin people's apartments and then injecting their lettucewith a million calories. that doesn't happen, okay?they know what's doing... if you go to a bloke and he's surroundedby cakes and pies and you go, "you know what'smaking you fat, don't ya?" he doesn't go,"is it all the running?" he knows what... but i don't make judgmentsother than how they got fat. if i see a fat person,i don't go,
"oh, he's fat, therefore he's jolly,"right? a lot of them are miserable,aren't they? if... if i see a fat girl,i don't go, "oh, she'd be prettyif she lost weight." that's rarely the case. so don't fall for that. a lot of them started eating because they had fuck allto lose, so... no.
but there's no stigmaattached because... people don't even want to usethe word "fat" now because they thinkit's derogatory. it's a real taboo subject,so they use euphemisms. they go, "oh, you know brenda,the f-- big girl?" "what, seven foot?""no no. not tall." "what does she look like?""brenda... you know, she... she's the one who's clammyeven in winter." just say she's fat. nothing wrong with it.it's their choice.
it's up to you if you wanna be fat.but they don't. they go, "you know, brenda... she's out of breath just standing upat her desk." just... but even thoughit is their own fault... and it is their own fault... i feel sorry for them,all right. no, i do,particularly fat women, cause fat is a feminist issue.
men get fat and we just go, "fuck it. all bought and paid for."you know. we don't come under the sameconstraints of society, whereas women are inundated withimages of how you should be... size 0 models, this diet,that diet. look like this.keep your man. and they make such an effort,don't they, fat girls? they've always got lovely hair. aren't they?they're always having their hair done.
they've got lovely hair.always got lovely hair. always got those lovelyfalse nails, don't they? they make an effort.anything but jogging, right? they love high heels,don't they? they think it makes their legs look less...it doesn't. it just... you can just hear themcoming now. i don't want any fat people to feeluncomfortable at one of my gigs. so next time, buy two seats.
i'm... i'm joking.there's... i'm joking. i'm not having a go; i'm justpointing out, you know... i was listening to the radioin england a few weeks back. radio 4, quite highbrow. there was a discussionabout political correctness. my name came up straightaway. and there was this womanon there going, "oh yeah, well, it's not right. ricky gervais, he makes jokesabout fat people.
he wouldn't make jokesabout gay people, would he? and being fatis like being gay." what? no it's not.what? you can't chooseyour sexuality. as we've established...you choose whether to eat too much or not. you know, with your sexuality, you're born, you grow up, you discover you likesame-sex relationships, and that's it.you're gay, okay?
for being gay to bethe same as being fat, you'd have to be born,be straight, grow up knowingyou're straight, but gradually and consciouslywean yourself onto cock. "happy 16th birthday, son. this is raoul. suck his cock." "sorry, father?" "suck his cock.16 now. suck his cock."
"i... i'm heterosexual." "oh, with his newfangled words. suck his cock,come on." "i... i don'tlike cock, father." "'doesn't like cock.' how would you knowif you've never tried it? ah! suck his cock." "i don't...""suck one cock. suck..." "ugh." "well, that's not sucking it.that's playing with it.
put it in your mouth.put it..." "ugh. oh." "look, have a go.you might like it." "ugh.""it's not so bad, is it?" "no, it's not.i fucking love these!" if that happened,then being gay would be the same as being fat. but it doesn't,so it's not, okay? i was on a plane last year
going from new yorkto l.a. and me and my girlfriendwere on one side of the plane. there was the aisle. and the other side...there were these two huge, fat men. proper proper proper fat. one of them just got on and went,"can i have a belt extension?" "yeah, of course you can.you've earned it." so... proper... in fact, i was thinkingof calling the pilot out
and going, "should one of usswap with one of them? otherwise we're justgoing to canada. do you knowwhat i mean?" and one of them was evenfatter than the other one. she was there and she'dgot on the plane with one of those take-awaybuckets of fast food. bucket! i mean,there's your first clue. when did that happen?
when did fat peoplejust give up? when did they go into a shopand go, "oh, fuck it. just treat me likea farmyard animal." "really?""give me it in a bucket. in fact, just strap it to my fuckin' headand i'll just..." "a bucket? really? you want your mealin a bucket?" "yes." so she's thereand she's chowing down.
and i swear she turnsto her fat friend and says, "this is the best fried chickeni've had all day." but i'm not having a go.i'm not having a go. no, i'm not.no, i'm not. because even thoughit is their own fault... i don't know if you know thisabout fat people... they fucking love cake. they love it.they love it, right? and i blamethe food industries,
because you gointo a supermarket and it's just packedwith that stuff. everything's packedwith hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything. and they...they love that. and there's always a big door,isn't there, to a supermarket. there's always a...they've got a quadruple door, isn't it? no one's ever been too fat to get throughthe door of a supermarket, okay?
and it opens automatically,so they don't have to waste caloriespushing anything. there's just...and it's a good job it opens automatically because usually it's glass and theycan see the pie from down the road and they're in like that. grazing, right? so i say keep the big door.keep the big door. sure, keep the big door.come on, fat people. come... in you go. but when they get in there,it's all fresh fruit and veg.
it's all whole grain. it's all stuffthat's good for you. of course they'llbe confused at first. they'll go, "what?"that's not real food to them. they think brussels sproutsis packaging. they're... they're looking... "where's the cakes?where's the cakes?" the cakes are over here. the cakes are througha different door,
but this dooris human-sized. so now they'll go,"there's the cakes." they're gonna..."oh fuck, i can't get in. i can't... i can't getthrough the fuckin' door. i can't..."( whimpering ) and they're starving.they'll go, "oh god, i've got... what's this?i've gotta eat. what's this? a banana."( retching ) right?and they'll go back.
"oh no, i still can't..."back and have a carrot. ( retching ) they're back and forth for daysand the fat's falling off them. soon they can slip throughthe door and have a cake. they can't get out again.no, but i mean... but we've gotta do something.we've gotta intervene. and people say, "no, it hasnothing to do with you. it's up to them. it's their body.it's their life." and that's true, but we don't saythat about wearing crash helmets.
or if you've got a heroinaddict in the family, you don't go, "oh, it's his life.he loves heroin." you know, you... you go,"no, you've gotta stop this. please don't die." and you get him and youthrow him in a cupboard for three weeks or something. you can't throw a fat personin a cupboard. you'd do your back in like me. but, you know, heroin addicts...they don't weigh anything.
you can throw them aroundwilly-nilly, right? in fact, when they're lying therewith a needle hanging out, you just getthe needle and flick, and they just gointo the cupboard like that. fat people, you've gottalure them in... a little trail of chocolates. and they just follow thatanywhere, like that. but we've got to do something because a thirdof the world are obese
and a third of the worldare starving. the fat ones are eating theskinny ones' food basically. i know most of the skinnyones are in africa, so out of sight,out of mind, i know. but...no no. i can talk about africalike that because i'm from britainand we used to own it. we did when we had the empireand we ruled the world. before you took over we used to...we owned africa.
but then in the '50s and '60s africa wantedto be self-ruled. they wanted independenceand they said, "we'd like to run ourselves."we went, "fine." so gradually we started givingafrica back to the africans. and by the '70sit was totally run by the, you know,africans themselves. and of course in the '80s,we get a phone call. "hello?""hello?"
"who's that?""africa." "we're starving." "you should've thought of that before you wantedindependence." "well, we didn't know there'dbe a drought, did we?" "drought?i'll give you a drought." this is true. when i was a kid...i was about 10... we had a really long hot summer and there was a hosepipe ban.
you couldn't wateryour flowers. we've all suffered. so...that's true actually. one long hot summer,and the water ran out. we didn't know what to do.we thought, "what could we do?" and there was peoplecoming round your house, trying to tell youhow to conserve water. they were saying, "when you brush yourteeth, don't let the tap just run. put a little glass down."and they came round.
they were putting house bricks in the cistern of the toiletto save water. and there was public informationfilms on the television. there was one advert...it was like an animation and it was, like,a couple in the bath, and it said, "conserve water: take a bathwith a friend." which i did. i say a friend; he was morea friend of my granddad's.
but...no. â£10 is a lot to a kidin england. what? he taught me a lot.he taught me a lot... stuff like, "you don'twash it like that. give it here." no, he was a sweet old man. i used to call himgranddad charlie. he wasn't my real granddad.he was just an old bloke
who lived across the roadwho used to come round whenever he sawmy parents go out. and he'd come round..."mom and dad out?" "yeah?" "all right, do you wanna seea magic trick?" "yeah." he'd draw the curtains andhe'd make me close my eyes, and he'd sit down and he'd put atop hat on his lap like that. a magic hat, right? and he'd go, "close your eyesand feel the magic rabbit." i used to go upand i used to...
i used to go in.i used to feel the little... a weird little thing it was. didn't have any fur or ears. and it used to go... and it was scared stiff,it was. it was terrified. and he'd make mestroke it for... and i stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my...
shut up. shut up.fuck off. oh dear, oh. where was oh yeah, famine. famine is a problem, which brings meto this next fad that we need to stamp out. this happenedchristmas before last, exchanging gifts with oldfriends, good friends, quite well-off friendsif i'm being honest.
i got them a coffee-makingmachine from harrods. top of the range.they loved it. they gave me my present.it was just an envelope. i thought, "ih, what's this?vouchers?" opened it up.it wasn't vouchers. it was just a card witha picture of a goat on it. and i said,"what's this?" they went, "oh, our gift to you is we gave a goatto an african family."
"what?" i'm lookingat the coffee machine, thinking, "is it too lateto take that back?" "and what is...""oh, we gave a goat to an african family." "did you? oh." so i've got fuck all thenbasically. mean, i don't even knowthis african family. why would i give them a goat? it doesn't make...this serves no purpose at all.
this is no good for anyone. they're 50 quid down.i've got nothing. the african family's going,"not another mouth to feed." right? the goat is going,"where the fuck am i? this... what the f...this is shit. a week ago i was gambolinground the cotswolds. there was grass and touristswith nuts and... this is a fucking dust bowl."
there's no way that goatwanted to go to africa. it was basically...it was kidnapped. it was abducted. it was put in a sack andbundled on a boat to africa like "roots" in reverse. there was no...there was no way. they went, "do you wantto go to africa?" it went, "definitely not.no no." "oh, come on.why don't you wanna go to africa?" "um, lions."
"come on.why don't you wanna go to africa?" "um, aids." "well, that shouldn'taffect you." "it shouldn't." so just be carefulwith that charity shit, particularly at christmas. that's when they get you. they give you a guilt tripat christmas. all the adverts of a charityat christmas.
you're sitting at home,aren't you, having your christmas lunch... loads of food, too much food. probably gonna throwa lot of it away, right? and things like thiscome on the telly. this runs every christmasday in england. it goes, "is therean old lady near you, cold and lonelythis christmas?" yeah.i fuckin' hate her.
nosy bitch winds me upall year round, okay? i can't waitfor the cold weather. there's no old lady near me. she died last yearof hypothermia. so result, yeah.brilliant. the other big one is "a dog is forlife, not just for christmas." i'm right behind that.i'm really into animal welfare. and that's obviously aimedat parents whose kids go, "can i have a puppy?can i have a puppy?"
and they go, "no.""can i have a puppy? can i..." and they get them a puppyto shut them up, right? and the kid likes it when it's cute.it grows up. the kid gets other interests,gets bored with the dog. they lumber the parentswith it. the parents get bored with it.they abandon it. 11,000 pets were abandoned in englandlast year, which is terrible. and i think, you know,kids should have pets. i think it teaches themlife lessons.
i haven't got kids, but i've gotloads of nieces and nephews. and they've got kidsof their own now. i want to be a cool uncleand give them what they want, but i want to bea responsible one too and not addto the stray problem. but i think i've solvedthe dilemma. here's a tip.this is what i do, anyway. you've gotta waittill christmas eve. and always go to an animalrescue center, not a breeder.
i go along to an animalrescue center christmas eve, and i go tothe veterinary part. they've usually got, like,a runt who's been born sort of disabledwith no quality of life, and they're just putting thatout of its misery. and i go, "no, don't kill that one. i'll take that one." and they go, "it's onlygonna live a day." perfect. perfect.
so... so...and i run home. i'm going, "don't die yet. don't die yet.hold on." a little bit of starbucks.a little bit of starbucks. and i rush in. i call my niece.she comes running. "uncle ricky!""got you a puppy." "uncle ricky,you got me a puppy!" "yeah, your best unclegot you a puppy. yeah. go on,play with it quick.
go on, play with it." she takes it to bed with her christmaseve and she sleeps with it. she wakes up christmas day, it's dead, cold, stiff, gone. so result.not a problem. and they always come downthe next day, they go, "oh, my puppy's dead.my puppy's dead." they go, "oh, what?the puppy your uncle got you? he did his bit, and whatever happenedafter that isn't his problem."
they go, "yeah." and i go, "maybe you rolledover it in the night." "oh, did i?oh no! oh no!" and then they start"i killed my puppy." "i killed my puppy." and they go,"no, you didn't kill your puppy." jesus killed your puppy on his birthday 'cause you didn't spend enough
on your uncle'schristmas present." they usually bucktheir ideas up the next year. the other big campaignat christmas: don't drink and drive. right behind that as well. a lot more stigma attachedto that these days. when i was growing up, it was whetheryou got away with it or not. but people now knowit's sort of... it wrecks lives. i'd be getting in the car when iwas a kid with grown-ups, family.
i'd be going, "no, you can't drive.you had too much to drink." and they go, "it's all right.i won't get caught." but now people knowthat's wrong. i've done it onceand i'm not proud of it. i'm fucking ashamed of it.that was christmas. i wasn't drunk,but i was over the limit. i took the car outand i knew i shouldn't. i knew i shouldn't be driving. but i learned my lesson, becausei nearly killed an old woman.
no, in the endi didn't kill her. in the end i just raped her. but as i say,nothing came of it. luckily for me,a thousand-to-one shot, she had alzheimer's. so not a credible witness. spiders... oh, spiders. they're always ready,aren't they? aren't they always ready for...
they're always readyfor action, a spider. it's always completely fuckingready for action like that. always readyfor action, always. i mean, some animalsare sometimes ready. you startle a catand it'll go... ( gasps )for a few seconds. then it goes back to chill. most of the time a cat is justlaying on the floor, isn't it? just on its side,all four limbs
just stretched outin one direction. you will never seea spider like that. you will never see a spiderjust lying on the carpet, its head downand all eight legs just stretched out like that. they're always... ugh.they're always ready, okay? and they're always readyin every direction like the fucking "matrix,"like that. they don't have to turn.they've got 10 eyes...
eight legs and 10 eyes.it's over the top. they're even ready when youdon't think they're ready. you can see an empty weband you go, "that spider'snot ready." "no? touch the web.""what?" "touch the web."and it's there, like that. i fucking hate them. 37,000 different speciesof spider. 37,000 differentspecies of spider.
i mean, millions and billionsof individuals in each species. and that's just one class,arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. there could be five millionspecies of animal alive now on the earth. best guess, okay? and that's 1%of all animal species that have ever existed.
99% of all animal species that ever existedare now extinct, and that remaining 1%is five million strong. take one of those species...termites. if we were to weighevery termite alive now, it would be 10 timesthe tonnage of every human being on earth. and it's statistics like thatthat make me think that this bookisn't totally accurate.
it's the book of noah, the children's edition. i actually got thisawarded to me when i used to goto sunday school every week. i believed in all thistill i was eight. "st. agnes sunday school. presented to:rikki gervais..." r-i-k-k-i. like a fucking mongoose, right?
"...for regularattendance." not even for being good atanything; just for turning up. "he's always here. give him a prize.he'll be back." "thank you.thank you." let's have a lookat the evidence. "long long ago, when godfirst made the earth..." i'll let both those points go. we haven't got time.right. "long long ago" by the way,
according to the bible,is 5,000 years. according to the old testament, the earth is no olderthan 5,000 years old, okay? it's actually4.6 billion years old. let's pop that in, pop that in. "4.6 billion years ago, when god first madethe earth and sky..." all right, don't bring it up. it comes as a packagereally, doesn't it?
i mean... do you knowwhat i mean? the sky was neveran optional extra. it's like, "made you a planet.""i can't breathe." "would you likean atmosphere?" "of coursei fuckin' would." so, well done, but... "everything was peaceful,everything beautiful. god made human beings too, and he wanted themto be good like himself."
arrogant, right? "but very soon,they wanted their own way. they would not listen to god. they became wickedand did wicked things." look at them doingwicked things there. you don't get much morewicked than that, do you? "fuck... oh, fuck off, wicked!" whee."fuck off, wicked!" whee."ah!"
god just looking on."oh, carry on. see what happens.see what happens. oh, see what happens, yeah.oh, see what happens." the bloke there running offwith a big bag of money. don't put it in a bank,you cunt. ( groans )right. "god looked at themand said to himself, 'they are so wicked,i will have to wipe them offthe face of the earth.'"
really? really? straight to genocide? what happened to one verbaland two written warnings? straight... straight to the annihilationof the entire human race becausea fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone's nose? really? fuck.
anger management, man.just calm the fuck down. let's... just chill. let's talk about this. wow! i read thatto karl pilkington, right? - who is... yes.- ( audience cheering ) yes. head like a fuckin' orange,i know, yeah. i read that bit to him.
"they are so wicked, i will have towipe them off the face of the earth." and karl said,"he sounds gay." i said, "what...what do you mean?" he went, "some gaysare a bit like that." he thought god was, like,having a hissy fit. like he's going, "no, theytreat me like a bastard, i'm gonna treat themlike a bast... i'm gonna show them.i'm gonna wipe 'em out." i said, "karl,god is not gay, okay?
read the bible.he hates them." "they are so wicked, i will have towipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thingwith them." what's the squid ever done? real... god has gone mad.what? but he's not gay.god is not gay. "but there was one manwho was still very good. his name was noah.he was a friend of god." just a friend,so don't... no.
just a friend... a friend withbig hooped earrings. rouge. what... what's he doing...he lives in a cave. what's he doing with this? "what... what areyou doing?" "seeing god. you never know.you never know." handlebar mustache.
holding god's hand, who's wearing a blouse. god is not gay. "god said to noah, 'i am so angrywith men...'" "you mean men and women?" "whatever. whatever." "'i am so angry with men
that i have made my mind upto destroy them all. i have stretched my bow in the sky.it is a rainbow.'" that's got to be the world'sfirst pun, hasn't it? "'it will make so much rainpour down on earth that everything will bedrowned, but not you. i want you to build an ark. it must be like a big boat withthree decks and a roof over it.'" "yeah, i know how to build a boat, mate.oh, cheers." "'and you will make a doorin the side of it.'"
"do you think i'm a complete idiot?i know..." "noah did exactlywhat god told him. and then god saidto noah..." now...okay okay. now this is aimedat children, admittedly, but it's taken from the oldtestament story in the bible. but i don't thinkthe author of this book is a zoologist. as we've said, there could befive million species of animal.
i don't thinkhe knows them all, the way he backs out very quicklyin this next sentence, okay? "'i want you to take two of every kindof animal with you into the ark... two lions, two tigers,two elephants and so on.'" "what?i've got lions, tigers, elephants... so on. on you go." "'look after them welland keep them alive.' and noah didwhat god said." now i want you to studythat scenario.
okay, so god is angrywith mankind. he's fed up with them.they're wicked. he's gonna wipe them outand just start again with noah and his wife. he's angry with the animalstoo for some reason. i don't... so he's gonnastart again with just two of each species. he calls a flood.they build an ark. noah goes, "right,two of each species.
two, just two.quick, first two." ( trumpets )there's a stampede. ( trumpets )two elephants. ( trumpets )two toucans...just walking. there's no rush. just strollin', baby. i think this oneis a bit more concerned than this one. this one's probably going,"should we fly?"
"nah." "no?" i could do this all night. "nah." ( snorts ) "sure?" "yeah." "i mean, we've...well, we've got wings." ( laughing )"we've got feet as well."
"why don't you wannapush in?" "that elephant'slooking at me funny." "yeah, i... i fuckin' am. if you try and push in,i'm gonna stamp on you, you... you big-nosed twat." "hold on. who are youcalling big-nosed?" "what do you mean?" "no, it's just potcalling kettle black." "what the fuck does that mean?what does 'pot... '"
"well, you know, if a pot's...oh, forget it." "i can't forget it.i'm a fucking elephant." ( laughing ) oh. two camels, two lions,two ostriches, two leopards,two tigers, two zebra. ah, here's the cruxof my point. just one species on the arkat the moment: the giraffes. they got there first...longer legs, okay?
five million more speciesto get on there. so two of it... so two animals on the arkat the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? million as far as... 10 million of themto get on there. just two on thereat the moment. look how much roomthey're already taking up. it's at a third capacity.
what's it goingto be like on there when these twofat cunts get on? man: yeah! "then god bent the bowof his anger d the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. it rained for 40 daysand nights. the flood water rosehigher and higher, until it covered the topsof the highest mountains.
every living thingwas drowned except noah and the animalsin the ark." and the fish. they were fine, weren't they?they were fine. they were loving it.they were better off. in fact, all the sea creatures. i mean, mountains underwater... their domain had increased,like, tenfold. it's so much more interesting.
you've got crabs going,"i'm on a fucking mountain! this is amazing!i never want this flood to... i've never beenup here before." i think of thatwhen you see on the news, like if there's a littlevillage in gloucester flooded or something.it's really sad. you see people...they've lost their homes and they're in dinghies,carrying their pets. and you see a little rowof antique shops
completely underwater. and i think of a fishjust looking in the window of the antique shopfor the first time. "so that's a chaise longue." "for 150 days the earthwas covered with water. then noah opened the windowof the ark and looked out. the water seemed to be goingdown, but how could he be sure?" well, ask god. you've been chattingto him all the way through. why are we...
why are we getting crypticall of a sudden? "he sent a raven out,but it soon came flying back. it could findnowhere to settle. noah waited another weekand he sent out a dove." why did the raven lose his job? "but the dovecame back too." see? the raven wasn't bullshitting.this is... "there was still no dry land anywhere... "but one daythe dove flew out and..."
why did the doveget a second go and not the raven? racist. "but one day the dove flew out and brought backa green olive branch. and noah knew thatgod was no longer angry. then god told noah to theanimals out of the ark. 'they must once more fillthe earth with living things.' the first thing noah didwas to build an altar.
he offered a sacrifice to godto thank him for saving them. and noah said "i'll make a pactof friendship with you." 'i will never again send a floodto destroy the earth. the rainbow,which i've put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of myanger, but a sign of peace. it will be a signof my friendship with men... '" that is... that is how it is... that is how it is used today.
they took it literally. "'it will be a sign of my friendshipwith men, which begins today, and which my son jesuswill one day prove by shedding his bloodfor men.'" "who?""you'll see." there was... there wasn'ta teaser campaign in the old testament. coming soon: the sequel. "and so when you havedone wrong
and you are feelingvery sad about it, think of the rainbowand the peace which god wants to putinto your heart. he has promised to be your friend.promise to be his." and that's just one of 12in the dove books series. i've only got one:number nine... "noah." although i think my favoritewould be number eight just from the title..."jesus and the cripple." thank you.cheers.
i... i read that whole book to karl and uh... he believed it all.why wouldn't he? it's written down.. and i said, "karl, think. how could they get 10million animals on a boat?" karl went, "they saidit was a big boat." yeah, they did.that's true. i said, "put they're allpart of the food chain. they would have literally had tohave eaten each other to survive.
why didn't the lioneat the antelope? why didn't the spidereat the fly?" and karl said, "'cause in acrisis you all pull together." amazing. i'd love to do a bookof his quotes. i love books of quotations. i love just reading themfor... for pleasure. i've got a fewof these compilations. and one of my heroesis winston churchill.
when i read "give us the tools and we will finish the job,"i thought, "how inspiring." and when i read "never inthe field of human conflict was so much owedby so many to so few," i thought,"how patriotic." and when i read"it is a good thing for an uneducated man to readbooks of quotations," i thought,"you cheeky, fat git." people always say to methat oscar wilde
is the greatest geniusthat's ever lived. let's have a look to meat the evidence, okay? here's one of his. "all women becomelike their mothers. that is their tragedy. no man does.that is his." that sounds a bit gay to me. don't you think?i... no, just... give him another go.here's another one.
"i couldn't help it.i can resist everything except temptation." that sounds gay as well.i think... i want to start thatwith an "ooh." i wanna go,"ooh, i couldn't help it." do you know what i mean? and i want to end it with, "i canresist everything except temptation. chance would be a fine thing."you know? and when he went throughcustoms in new york all those years ago...and the customs officer,
just doing his job, said,"have you anything to declare?" oscar wilde famously said,"nothing but my genius." ooh. that wasn't witty.i bet he planned that. i bet the first timehe went through customs in a foreign country it was all"yes sir," "no sir." "anything to declare?" "no.""thanks. on you go." "oh, i just thoughtof something fucking brilliant to say.
oh!i'm always doing that. excuse me, can i go back through...no? ugh!" he had to wait weeks in those days,back on the boat to england, just thinking,"if they say that again... 'anything to declare?''nothing but my genius.' i'll be in a bookof quotations." he gets there againweeks later, finds the same bloke,goes up to him. the bloke goes,"on you go."
"didn't even fuckingask me that time. excuse me, they didn'task me if... random,fucking random." right?back on the boat. three weeks later, getting it. gets there this time,finds the same bloke. is time he's started lookingshifty so he gets picked out. like that, right? the blok, right?..."did you buy anything?" "that's not the question.
say 'have you anythingto declare?'" "okay. have you anythingto declare?" "nothing but my genius.""whose are the butt plugs?" "they're mine.they're mine. they're mine." incarcerated in reading jailfor homosexuality. we've come a long wayfrom it being punishable to total equality,as it should be of course. in england the gayage of consent is the same
as heterosexuality now... 16. and even gay marriage. although, ironically,the one place that was reallyahead of the game fell behind a little at thelast election... california. they had a referendum.they put it to the vote and they voted noto gay marriage. i mean, californiathere's people going, "that's whywe moved here."
i mean, it's a strangesort of bigotry that you can affectsomeone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back. it's not like they askeda bloke once, said, "sorry, do you mindif these two men get married?" he went, "no. fine.""okay, jack 'em then." "what?i didn't know that was..." that doesn't happen, does it? that doesn't happen.
it's also a strangesort of bigotry because these peoplethat object to that were presumablythe same people that said gay people were immoraland promiscuous. but now they don't want themto be monogamous and respectfulin the eyes of god. and it must be so confusingto a gay guy in california, thinking, "that's the bitthey don't like. with all the other shit we getup to, it's the marriage bit."
they'd be so confused. they must go to judges and go, "sorry, can i getthe rules straight?" "what do you wantto know?" "i just didn't knowwhat we can and can't do." "ask away.""can i marry a man?" "no." "can i fuck him up the ass and give hima little reach-round?" "please."
"i... can't marry him, no. but i... and a little... can i... can... can i pick upa stranger in the bushes and take him homeand jizz on him and throw him out in the morningall crusty and homeless?" "of course you can, yeah." "but i couldn'tmarry him?"
"no."( retching ) "no, and don't ask again,all right?" "can i line up 15 men..." i'm just riffing here. "can i line up 15 men and just jack 'em offfor a laugh?" "if you want,yeah yeah." it would be difficult,wouldn't it? jacking off 15 men at once.
it'd be like plate spinning,wouldn't it? no.because you'd have... you could only dotwo at once really. so you'd have these twoready to blow, but then they'd be losing it. and you'd go, "fucking hell. here you go.oh, fucking hell. all right, all right,all right." ain't it knackering,jacking off 15 men at once?
i never thought i'd say that. again. no. there's these people that say,"being gay isn't natural." well, it is natural, andi've got a book to prove it. homosexuality occursin about the same incidence in the animal kingdomas it does in human society. this is a real book. it's called"biological exuberance: animal homosexualityand natural diversity"
by bruce bagemihl, okay? "the evidence is compelling and it seems there isvirtually no species which does not haveits gay community." that doesn't mean, like, chimpson one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. they sort ofspread it out more really. can we havethe first slide, please? right. okay?
right. this is a real book, okay? right?absolutely real, okay? "two male stump-tailed macaquesin mutual fellatio." mutual...they're sharing. they're sharing it round. next slide. okay. "a male squirrel monkey, right,
performing a genital displaytoward another male." ( stammering )i... he's just going,"what do you think of that?" and this one's going,"what?" "suck it." look at his little hand. "why?""because we're gay." "i'm not.""you fuckin' are." look at the wayhe's holding him.
and he's got his leg upfor extra purchase. he's going, "get in there. get in there.get in there." look at him.( gibbers ) can you imagine facewhen i discovered this book? oh my god.( giggling ) next slide, please. ah, okay. "a female olympic marmotmounting another female."
now i don't knowwhat is in that for either of them... unless the one on topis wearing a strap-on dildo. one more.one more slide. oh, this is a doozy.okay. "two forms of copulationbetween male dolphins: genital slit, or analpenetration, above; and below,blowhole penetration." oh yeah.oh yeah.
basically... he is fucking him in the head! it's in the head. he's fucking himin the head, ladies... i have never seen thaton any wildlife documentary. i've never... why have i neverseen that before? why are they doing that? maybe it's not in the wild.
maybe it's in seaworld,which is like their prison. and they're going...they're going, "fuck's sake,they've put in two males. some people think we're fish. we might as wellfucking do it." i mean,look at his face. like that. he's going, "dave." "what?"
"could... could we not do itup the ass like them?" "no. it's in the heador nothing." ( laughing ) "d-dave?" "what?! what?!" "dave, dave, i love you... but i can'tfucking breathe." that is a real book.that is a real book.
can we have the...look. i love the fact that he found,like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. the gayest animal in the world. i... i hope i haven'toffended anyone with any of the subject...no, i do. i do. that's not the point.i don't try and offend. if i have offended anyone,and i'm sure i have,
i don't apologize. no, i think you shouldn't. you have to be able to justifyeverything you do. i always think that acomedian should take you to taboo placesyou haven't been before. otherwise you coulddo it yourself. there's enoughanodyne comedy out there... just doing things, obviousstuff that, you know, doesn't makeany difference at all.
and there's thisspate of comedians saying sorrywhen they go too far. i just think, you know,you should... they go, "oh, sorry,i didn't mean it." well, you should'veknown better then. there's also a witch-hunt atthe moment with people saying, "is there anything you shouldn't makea joke about?" no, there's nothingyou shouldn't joke about. it depends what the joke is.
( cheering, applause ) comedy comes froma good or a bad place, and it's for you to decidewhat that is. i think that there's a bigdebate about sick jokes. "comedians doingsick jokes." now the thingabout sick jokes... when we tell a sick joke,it's with the express understanding that neither partyis really like that. i wouldn't tell a sick joketo a known pedophile.
i wouldn't go, "here, mate, you're gonna fuckin' love thismore than anyone, son." do you know what i... i've never been in troublefor anything i've said in my professional careerbecause i refuse to apologize. what can they do to you,you know? growing up, you try...try things out and you get takenthe wrong way a little bit. not like the dolphin.i mean, you know, not...
when i was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met upwith this other couple. they had moved down from thenorth of england to london. they used to comein the place i used to work and we had a couple ofdrinks with them. they were cool peopleand they were fun. after we had met thema couple of times, they invited us to a partyat their house. and we went along.
one, it was a dinner party, which they hadn'twarned us about. but two, it wasfor their family that had come down from the northto see how they were getting on. and it was both of theirparents and grandparents and great uncles...average age about 85, right? and i think we werean afterthought. they thought, "oh god, we don'tknow anyone our own age. oh, that ricky and jane."so we went along.
and we were stillgetting to know them, so we just spoke to themall night. we didn't really minglewith the older people. and as i say,we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usuallyas a getting to know you. we use comedy to break the ice. are you like-minded?what can you take? what do you like? and i've always pushedthe boundaries a little bit
to try and make people laugh atthings they didn't think they could. but, you know... but then everythingturns out okay, i suppose. i started off lightly.i told this joke. why did the little girlfall off the swing? 'cause she had no arms. yeah, sweet. and they laughed...a little bit louder than that. there was only two of them,so thanks. no. so i thought,"okay, they get it."
and so you up the antea little bit. you push...and i told this joke. ooh, i need a drink. start the car, seriously. i told this joke. made sure the old peoplecouldn't hear, like that. i went, "okay, a fatheris sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. his little girl comes running in.she's only six.
'hello, darling.''hello, daddy.' 'you've been playing?''yeah.' 'in the park?''yeah.' 'with your friends?''well, until the man came along.' 'till the mancame along?' 'yeah, a man came along and he askedmy friends to leave, so it was justme and him.' 'darling, come...come over. whatever happened,none of it was your fault.
okay, darling?none of it was your fault. but tell daddy every detail.what happened?' 'um, he took me behind a tree so no one could seewhat we were doing.' 'oh god, darling.and then what happened?' 'um, he tookmy dress off.' 'oh god. what happened next?what happened?' 'um, he tookhis thing out.' 'nothing.that was it.'
'oh well,make something up.'" - cheers.- man: tell us some more, rick ( cheering, applause ) don't tell anyone that.i want it to be a surprise. so i told that joke.carried on, getting a bit drunkand telling jokes. eventually we sat down for themeal at about a quarter to 10:00. they put two tables together. the hosts sat at either endand they put me in the middle,
opposite this very sweet,but very deaf 80-year-old man. so the conversationwas a bit stilted. after about 20 minutes,ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says,"oh, ricky, tell that joke." i went, "what?" all the old people went,"oh, we love jokes." "do you?" i looked at ian and ian went,"it'll be fine." i went, "okay." and he got on withhis conversation.
and so they're all like that. i went, "um, oh... uh... a father is sitting at home,reading the paper. a little girl comes running..." told the whole joke. got to the bit,"well, make something up." they went, ahem.silence. i looked at ian, he went,"not that one!" thank you so much.you've been fantastic. good night.
( cheering, whistling ) thank you.thank you very much. thank you so much.cheers. thank you.fantastic. i fucking love chicago.isn't it brilliant? - isn't it amazing?- ( cheering ) i've had just the best time. thank you...thank you so much. i'll tell you,i'd risk coming again
through volcanic ash clouds...anything to get here. it's fantastic...terrorist attack. i've actually always been anervous flyer, to be honest. i flew a few weeksafter 9-11. after 9-11, the world went a littlebit crazy, you know? understandably.the rules changed and there was a lotof anger and fear and confusionand finger-pointing.
and i had alwaysconsidered myself quite a rational,liberal sort of guy, and i tried to remainthat way after 9-11. and even in the pub with mates i'd be the one who was going,"no, you can't say that. no, that's a generalization.that's ridiculous. no, that's unfair. you can't tar everyonewith the same brush. no, it's still the safestform of transport.
it's 60 million to one,the chance of a..." you know, trying to be rational.that's in a pub. when i'm flying it's more like,"check him again. can we check him again? he's getting on this...do you mind if i check him? can i just...can i just..." after 9-11,with all the checks, i still tried to remainrational and philosophical. i was thinking, "right, it'sharder now than it ever was
to get a bomb on the plane. this is... you know, the restrictionsare tight. it's safer now." and then i found outthat a terrorist doesn't even have to get onthe plane now with a bomb. they foundheat-seeking missiles, and they could just park upin some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within thefirst 10 minutes of take-off. so now i'd beon the plane going, "right, we're out of range.who's got the bomb?"
as i said,i flew a couple of weeks after 9-11,internal flight. we're up in the air.i had done the thing. "we're out of range.right, okay." i was still a bit nervousand i said to the air hostess... i said, "have you gotany magazines?" think of this. she said, quite loud,quite blasã©... she said, "no, honey,we've got no magazines. we've had to undertakesevere cutbacks
because we're one of thecompanies being sued over 9-11." one: don't mention 9-11. surely a new rule bookwent round. "don't mention 9-11 when you'rehanding out the coffee." do you know what i mean?right? two: don't say"severe cutbacks." severe cutbacks...if someone says that, i don't thinkof magazines anymore. i think of a bloke in an aircrafthangar earlier that week going,
"do we really needall these rivets?" it's just...what terrible bedside manner. i mean, i take first-classflights everywhere. i know you wouldn'thave it any other way. i do it for you, really. some of the flights i takecost 10,000 pounds, okay? and for 10,000 pounds,in a disaster i expect the front end of my planethat i'm in to gently break off and float downto a desert island.
it doesn't. i'd die with the restof you fucking loss. that's not fair, is it? i know you'd try to save me,but you couldn't. we'd just be on the news. i'd probably be the only one who'dget name-checked on the news. you'd be "230 others,"which is some consolation. but anyway...so, okay. once i was flying backfrom new york...
9:25, a saturday night,j.f.k. to london heathrow, b.a., first class. okay, now this is my point. it's fear that threatensrational thought, i think. i'm there. now the whole weekleading up to that flight... i don't know if you remember it or it's happenedmore than once. it was a couple of years ago.
on every news channelin america there was a rolling tickertape that said"america on red alert. we've had intelthere's going to be another 9-11in a major city, probably new york or l.a.this weekend. do not fly unlessyou absolutely had to." i had to.i was filming. and...
( laughs )right? so i'm the only onein the first-class lounge, and i still triedto remain rational. i was thinking,"no, it's safer now. everyone's lookingfor a terrorist today. they'll leave ittill monday." and then it happened... the thing thatthreatened my rational thought. i had a little... a bitof a mini-breakdown. into the first-class lounge,about 30 minutes
before boarding, came this guy. i don't whetherhe was north african or middle eastern or asian, but he had all the gear, right? beard,steel attachã© case, okay? and here's yourmiddle-class liberal. i went... i was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation,going, "flight on time?"
they're going, "yeah.""what's the weather like in london?" like they were gonna go,"it's a bit cloudy, but... there he is!" didn't happen.so i'm left there, right? i'm looking over at himand i'm thinking of all the... the running up to itand the week coming up to... all the news and everything. but now there's a fightbetween good and evil, between rationaland irrational. this one goes, "ooh,that's a suicide bomber."
"oh, don't be stupid.of course it isn't." "it is.""how do you know?" "that's whatthey look like." "beard." "don't be stupid,all right?" then he makes a phone call. i couldn't understandwhat he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. this one goes,"oh, he made a phone call!"
this one, "no, you just madea phone call." "yeah, but notin foreign." "shut up, all right?he's been checked. like the rest of us,he's been checked." "did they check the beard?""yeah, they checked the beard. yeah, they checkedthe beard." then i'm looking at him...must have been absent-minded with all this going onin my head. he catches me lookingand he does this.
it goes, "oh, he knows,he knows!" right? this one goes, "no, he knowswhy you're looking at him. he's had that prejudice for months now.stop looking at him." "ooh, the beard.""yeah... " right? but this one starts winning. the fear starts beating all therational thought in the world. it starts going,"no, but it could be." "well yeah, it could be.probably not." "well, no.the stats are up today."
"yeah, but still,it won't happen..." "don't say it won'thappen to us. the people of 9-11 saidit wouldn't happen to them." "yeah,but all the tests..." "yeah well, they find new ways of getting throughour detection. then we have to up the game.""yeah, you're right." and suddenly i thought,"oh my god, this is it. this is it." that wave of nausea,and you suddenly realize,
"oh my god,i'm witnessing this..." this one goes,"okay, right, let's report him." this one goes, "no." "why?" "in case someone thinkwe're racist." "no, fuck that. let's report himand be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist,just in case." and i go, "no."so i don't.
and so now i thinkhe is a suicide bomber. i think i'm gonnaget on the plane and die, but i'm not gonna doanything about it. i'm nearly in tears. and all this happensin a few moments. i look over and he's joined byhis wife who's got all the gear and his two little girls. and i suddenly go, "oh, of coursehe's not a fucking suicide bomber. if you're off to see72 virgins,
you don't takethe wife and kids along." right?so... no. i got on the plane, and ofcourse he wasn't a terrorist. i was a bit embarrassed andi saw the funny side of it. i was relieved and everything. he was a businessmanand a family man. he was playingwith his two little girls who kept running up and downand banging into my chair. he wasn't doing anythingabout that at all.
nothing about that at all. he was chasing 'em and they weresquealing really high, going through... after half an hour,i was hoping someone would blow the fuckingplane up, to be honest. but a really weird thinghappened during that period. i got so paranoidabout terrorist attack that i started takingprivate jets and helicopters everywhere,just because i was so rich. no, again, my philosophy was
i'm the only personon this plane and i definitelyhaven't got a bomb, so we're all right, you know. i was takinga helicopter one day and i was waitingon the helipad. rewind two days before that. i'm at home, having mycereal, my cheerios, and there'sa carton of milk there with the missing personthings on the back.
and i've seena thousand of them. this one was different because it was amissing child, which is always sadder. well no, it's sadwhen anyone goes missing. but presumably,because of her age, this was an abductionand, you know. it was also the language.it was a plea from the mother. it was the wording.she just said the name of the little girl,which i won't say. i remember it, and the day andplace where she was last seen.
and she just said,"five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes,always happy. please help me." and it must havestayed with me. two days later, i'm there. it's like a wharf development,waiting for this helicopter. and i'm looking down onto some disusedwarehouse space. i look in one, right?
someone had put upa brown blanket with this duct tape. it was like a curtain. and it had fallen awayand i can see in. this is a true story. it's an empty roomapart from a mattress. and on the mattress is a littlegirl with her hands tied. and my fucking heart... five years old, five years old.
blonde hair, blonde hair.blue eyes, blue eyes. always happy,crying her eyes out. it... it couldn'thave been her. i left it. thanks very much.you've been amazing. goodnight, chicago.cheers! oh, thank...thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you.
cheers, everyone. goodnight, everyone.thank you.