About : television table stands
Title : television table stands
television table stands
- right now, he's about to bethe next big name on the comedy scene. he's gonna bethe next superstar, and he came to sacramentoto rock with y'all. so y'all show him all the lovethat y'all got in this room, right now, for my main man,mr. tony roberts. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music] ♪ ♪
- huh, ho, ho, ho. kill this here, kid. [music stops] god damn it. when they ask mewho's my favorite comedian ever of all times,i say eddie murphy. i want to get downlike eddie got down. roll tightly over.roll tightly over. then i realizedwhen i put this shit on,
ain't no fucking wayi can do a show in this shit. i feel a now and laterright now. my nuts ain't never metmy stomach till tonight. oh, my god. what the fuck? he did an hour in this shit. clap your handsfor eddie murphy, the greatest comedianof all time. i had to pay homage to him.
he's paved some ways for us. he's opened doorsfor a lot of comedians like myself. so i said, "let meget the eddie murphy thing on." it took a lot... when they fitted mefor this suit, i thoughti was gonna get a colonic. they was all up in the ass area. this--[laughs]
i don't thinki can take this bitch off. they got--is that my landlord? oh, i thought i was. oh, this bitch following me? [mocking laughter] i just didn't want to come outand let you know that i believe,pound for pound-- people think it's richard pryor,redd foxx. there's a lot of namesout there.
but eddie murphy,pound for pound, out of all the thingshe's accomplished, is the best comedianof all time. i'm talking about--he has done it. you name it, he has done it. and for me to come out here... with this fucking wristband on, letting you know that-- goddamn, i feel likei'm in court.
i got to walk, talk,and breathe. i want to sit still,but i'll pass the fuck out. i got to and change, man. i got to come out as me and do what i came to do. kid, get me out of here, man. i be right back. you got one chanceto go take a shit. - just bought my ticketsfor tony roberts.
can't wait to see him.it's gonna be a good night. - i'm excited.- i'm excited. - ain't no question.- i'm dying for some yuks. - i seen dude. i grew was up watching dude. dude hella funny.- yeah. - i'm not lying, yo. - ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my man,one crazy dude,
tony roberts. - ♪ you need your ass beat ♪ ♪ you need your ass beat ♪ ♪ you bald with bangs ♪ ♪ you in the class reunionwith a g.e.d ♪ ♪ you know i told them man ♪ ♪ you a topless dancer ♪ ♪ but your tittytouch your g-string ♪ ♪ ah, you need your ass beat ♪
♪ you got your wisdom toothin your purse ♪ give that to you, motherfucker. what up, y'all? y'all ready to have some fun? you goddamn right. y'all out here dressedin all kind of shit. this here dress to impress. some niggas came from work with their shit.
look at those shoes. you know,they make those in new. [laughter] god damn, white people laughlike the black people. black people know how to laugh. and we work hard.we live hard. if we have a good time,we want to laugh hard. white people hear a good joke,they go like this. "[chuckles]that's peculiar."
black people wouldknock your tooth out if people-- "that motherfucker said'peculiar.' "that nigga funny! who is this nigga?who is he?" i kneel in frontof my daughter's party, "who is he?" i love this town, man. i'm telling you. 'cause you got pride.
people feel good about theyself no matter where they atin they life. i seen a homeless bitchlaying on a stove door with eye shadow on. the bitch is--you crazy? but she feel she look good. sacramento's so beautiful. hey, everybody,i'm from detroit. we got some bad partsin detroit.
sacramento got bad parts. i been down there. i've been in the area. you know the areai'm talking about. i've been to oak park. i see a nigga running downthe street with a fence in their hand. ain't nobody saying shit. i'm talkingabout the silver fence
with the gate still on--the door on it. bootlegs out the crazy-- they crazy outthey fucking mind. i bought a bootleg copyof the passion of the christ, took it home. i knew it was bootlegged'cause jesus was fighting back. "what the--get away!" this can't be jesus.he knows karate? i looked at the box,it was passion of the chris.
it was chris brown. this ain't even jesus. get even get your-- can't even buy no bootlegsno more. i'm different. i go in bank-- i buy a roll of quarters, i break them bitches openright there and count 'em. they go,"sir, what's wrong with you?"
i say, "you count my moneywhen i give it to you. ten, thank you." i don't trust you bastards. i ate this morning. don't give a fuck. steak and potatoes. i don't give a fuck.i'm different. i hate normal shit. i mean, fuck that.
i can't--i hate it. i do shit. i got road rage so bad, i'm in the driveway practicing. i don't give a fuck. i got road rage greatest hits. "cut yourmotherfucking hands off "if you ain't gonna use 'em,bitch. well, god damn, mr. flintstone,can you drive faster?"
i'm impatient. i'll be in the d.m.v.arguing at this lady. "why do i need i.d. to get i.d.,bitch? "if i had i.d.,i wouldn't be in this line. let me see your supervisor,bitch." i'm from detroit, michigan. we got black peopleand white people; we ain't gotall these nationalities. we don't have a--we ain'tmixed-up--y'all got mixed--
i seen a boy with good hairand nappy eyebrows. every time he do this, it hurt. [chuckles] stop getting surprised,nappy-eyebrowed motherfucker. y'all got them filipinos.the asians. the whites.the arabs. the arabics,whatever the fuck you call 'em. y'all mixing it up. it's only four racesin this world.
black, white, chinese,and mexican. you fall under oneof them categories. forget all this other mix shit. "i'm puerto rican." get your mexican ass over thereand build that driveway. you mexican. "i'm from venezuela." bitch, if you don't get yourmexican ass back to home depot.
quit fucking around. "i'm from australia." get your nosy white ass over thereand tell on some people. go over thereand feed the sharks with your white ass. "i'm australia." white, black, chinese,and mexican. "my girl filipino."
she talking about,"i'm filipino." no, you ain't. you chinese. rice is rice. it's rice. you're this tall.you talk shit. you make the fuck out some rice. if you filipino, you chinese. mexican, black.
"i'm from nigeria." nigga, if you don't vote... get your black ass--i don't care where you're from. look at your skin.look at your hair. hair nappy like a airplane tire. get your black ass over thereand read. i don't know whyy'all mixing this shit up. separate. kill me with this shit.
you can't even trust nobodyno more. i go give--i'm gonna give a bum some money. he laying on the ground. i don't give crackheads money.nuh-uh. i know you're a crackhead. he's trying to wipethe sweater off and look regular. i know you a crackhead. you the only niggadancing to salsa music;
ain't no music playing. get the fuck out of here. i'm gonna give a bum some money. but i ain't giving him 50â¢.i'm getting my blessings on. i'm giving this motherfucker $3. boom, $3 feathering to his lap. this nigga's phone ring. i'm saying, "you motherfucker!" you ever kick a bum?
shit fly out of his jacketyou ain't never seen. pencils,pictures of other people, birth certificates,lint, fleas. i'm tiredof crazy motherfuckers. you want to be crazy?i'm crazy too. if these motherfuckers comingto you, homeless people, running up on you,these motherfucking bums, play crazy with their ass. that's what i do.
i'm sitting there,just chilling. this bum come to me."hey, hey." i know he's a bum'cause he had on six hoodies and a sweater-vestover the hoody. and he smelled likethe bottom of a birdcage. this nigga stink. had on some hello kittyhorseshoes. i don't give a fuck--i ain't got time for that shit. he goes, "you know who i am?"
i said, "jesus. that's who yougonna tell me you are." you dusty bastard. i'm sick of this shit. you want to hear some dumb shit? let's talk about stupid shit. i spend $475 in a 99⢠store. i couldn't stop picking shit up. everybody here that walkedinto a 99⢠store
for the first timesaid the same thing, "ain't no fucking wayall this is 99â¢. "ain't no fucking way. "all this? aww, hell no,i got to call somebody." everything 99â¢. you'll buy 15 of everything. "whoo, give me all of this,motherfucker." i'm pushing my cart likea car out of gas.
'cause i done went toa 99⢠store and spent 1,000 goddamn dollars. you ever try to catch a fly? that's the dumbest shitin the world. you feel likeyou got to act like the fly to catch the motherfucker. you ever see the flyand get your newspaper and you end up like this? you don't see the flyon the table,
you sneak up on itlike it's human. 'cause you're stupid-- [laughs] you ain't got timefor that dumb shit. you do stupid shit. when you flossand get the meat out your teeth, do you eat the meat? oh, whatever.whatever. i'm the only niggathat eat the meat?
you eat the mean, white man. i seen some big people here that knowwhat i'm talking about. they get all the meatout their teeth at one time; put it back in the bread. with your big ass. you eat the meat, god damn it. i see some women herelooking good. i like dark women.
i like 'em dark. my woman a filipino.but like, i like dark women. when i'm liking black women,i like 'em like this. i like 'em. you can't get the hickeyon their neck. - that's purple! - it take too long. i'm putting a hickeyon one girl neck, i'm sucking for 20 minutes.
nothing. i burnt her neck with a lighter. she said, "what's wrong?" "ain't nothing. purple don't show up on purple." brother, take your time. do what the fuck you do. i see young people in here. what's up, young ass?
i hate kids. i got three at home. i can't stand 'em. i'ma burn the kids' feetfor the truth. i tie 'em to this goddamn chair. i will abuse a kid. which one of youbroke the lamp? who is--you gonna learn,motherfucker. you gonna tell
when your pinky toe fry off, you motherfucker. that's how i was raised. ain't got time.my mom ain't got time for this. who got the old-school mama? who got the old-school mamawho'll come in here right now and look for you,find you, and slap you in your mouthin front of your friends? who got that mama?
thank you. was you that mama? shit, my mama come hereright now. "excuse me, baby.pardon me. "you left the fucking iron on! you left the goddamn iron on,tony!" my mama don't give a fuck. that's what we need to do. we got punk-ass parents today.
scared of the kids. i'll thump a kid in the tooth right in frontof her fucking teacher. "well, she is--""no, let me, miss." bam!"do your fucking homework." i will kick a kid's ass. got these kidswith their pants down, ass out. what the fuck is that about? they can't even walk.
they got to walk like this'cause their pants down. the belt on the hamstring.it's down here. they doing this shit. we need to start a organizationright now. we need to take backour community. god damn it, if your nephew,your son going out, his pants down, his ass out,he won't listen to you; you call the organization. "my son is going outwith his pants down, his ass--
he won't listen to me." "ma'am, we got his location. hang up." six big football playerswalking outside with tight bubble vests onwith skull caps. they nakedwith socks on their dick. they looking for your son. his ass out. this what he want. "yeah, where he at?"
he walking all cool.his ass out. cheeks juggling. then somebody go, "hey!" he look.here come the ass eaters. that's what they call 'em,ass eaters. 'cause they about to eatthat ass. they chase your son down.they turn him over. they pull his pants down.'cause this was what he want. they take the sockoff their dick.
they put the dickright on his butt. then they stop. "you gonna pull your pantsup tomorrow?" "yup. i swear to god.wah!" next day,he got his pants up here with a rope around his shit and suspenders. 'cause the ass eatersare out there, people.
we should have"kick a kid's ass" day. you ain't got to know 'em. you at a red light,you see kids fucking up. "what the fuck?" bam, bam, bam, bam! motherfucker. vroom. "yo, i just kickedtwo kids' ass. i don't know who the fuckthey were."
it's "kick a kid's ass" day. hey, everybody love their mama. if you had a hard mama,you better love her more, 'cause you sitting in this chairright now. you ain't dead or in jail because youwas getting your ass beat. white lady, you grew upgetting your ass beat? mm-mm.time-out. this is my mama time-out.
"you motherfucker. "motherfucker. "[panting]time out, time out. time in, motherfucker." time-out? my mother was hard. one day i was sick, and said,"ma, i got the pinkeye." she said, "well, you better weara pink shirt with it. "you better get the fuckout of here.
you're going to school." "got the pinkeye, mama.what the"-- you think you gettinga halloween outfit. you think you getting a mask. you can hang it up. hell no. getting two circlearound your eye. you a raccoon tonight,motherfucker. don't ain't go to door.go in the people garbage.
'cause youa motherfucking raccoon. you-- i had the real mama,god damn it. my mother had no--no time for no babysitter. we had money. she go up to the club,leave me in the car. she don't give a fuck. i'm in a carin the alley coloring. i ain't got no color--no crayon.
i got eyebrow penciland lipstick. everything black and red. my mama would be backin two hours. somebody can relatewhat i'm fucking talking about. somebody with their mamaright now staring at 'em like, "you did this shit to me." i ain't see my momwithout the wig on till i was eight years old. i thoughtit was her goddamn hair.
i never seen herwithout a wig on. she was chasing me outside,i ran under this tree branch, the tree branch caught her hair,and ripped her hair back. i thought it was her brain. i said,"mama, go to the hospital! ahh!" she like,"boy, what is wrong with you?" i just collapsed. like, i'm eight years old,i can't take this shit.
"my mom a goddamn alien. "you can talkwith your brain out? "oh, motherfucker. "where you come from,alien bitch? "you're not my mama. where's the blood at?what the fuck is going on?" i'm only eight.i don't know these things. son of a bitch. give me a break.
who over 35? remember you had to be at home before the street lightscome on? i see a lot of peoplegoing, "yeah." you ain't got to be at home-- you ain't got to bein the house, you got to be on the porch. but you don't give a fuck. them lights come on.
you never hear the lights. you just playing. "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.you it. you it" all of a sudden,you see the light. "what the--when the fuck that happen?" you ain't nowherenear the house. and they don't come onright away, turn blue and start trickling,like it's trying to come on. "i got time, god damn it."
you take-- we were tough back then. kids today, weak as shit. riding bikes with helmets onand mouth pieces and shoulder pads. what the fuck you doingwith a helmet on? if you got a helmet on and youriding a bike, guess what. you fucking retarded. you don't need no bike.
you need a nurse, god damn it. bike with shoulder padand helmet. i rode a bikewith one training wheel missing. i rode that bitch sideways. i'm running home--this how tough we were. i'm running home.i ran in the street. i wasn't paying attention,i got hit by a car. bam!it knocked me into a parked car. old lady came up,"baby, let me help you."
i said, "i ain't got timefor you, bitch. "my mom's gonna kick my ass. "i ain't got time for this shit. nothing wrong with me, bitch,but some internal bleeding." you make it home just in time. "mama, i'm here, mama.i'm here. i'm here. my hand on the step, mama.i swear to god i was here." my mama got the kitchen legripped off with the nails in the front.
"you better have made this,motherfucker." 'cause i believe inthe "pop and teach" method. you pop, and then you teach. people to teach their kidyelling at 'em. i don't yell at a kidbut one time. you got to pop 'em;teach 'em. you got to see 'em. bam!then teach 'em. "stay the fuck off the thing."
kids don't learnwhen you teach first. make 'em think you psychic. you got son at home right nowsleeping. he's five years old.move the nanny out the way. wake him up like this. "wake the fuck up!" "well, what'd i do?" "two days ago.think about it." you got to be aheadof your child.
i'm talking about kidslike i got two in the trunk right now,don't i? i burn this ass, i swear to god. y'all smoke weed?you smoke weed? he looking like, "yeah." the police right here,god damn it. you ain't gonna make it home.you about to get high. i can't smoke weed. all my boys smoke weed.
[inhales sharply]i can't-- uh-uh. two puffs.i was fucked up. i went to my job and called off. i'm in the lobby. "yeah, this ain't gonna happenfor me today." "why you here?" "i'm here? "shit, i'll call youright back, man.
this some bullshit." i forgot not to go to work. i ain't od'd.i'm in a bathroom-- locked myself in a bathroomwith a taco shell with pancake mixand m&m's in it. i'm cutting an onionopen with snickers. this shit look good as shit. corn flakes all around it. i'm about to eat my ass off.
i got so high, i went and toldthe police where i got it from. i'm in a car with the police. i'm in the backseat. "officer,second house at the corner. "that's where we got it from.they're selling every day. "look at my hand. "i been like thissince i smoked that shit. put a stop to that shit,officer." bad boy, bad boy.what you gonna do?
they done bring a niggato the car. i done told them,"don't bring him here, dumbass." act like i'm caught,"what's up, jay? "they got me too. son of a bitches." can't be trusting nobodyin the dope game. smoke that weed. they smoking blunts now. big-ass blunts this big.
i'm back in the daywhere they had joints. six people on thislittle motherfucker. you're getting fucked up. "whoo, this shit is good." now they smoking. one blunt by yourself. and they don't even look high. they say,"what you want to do now?" i say, "let's goto the hospital, shit."
one time i smoked a jointby myself in the house. my heart saying,"boom, boom, boom!" i went and answered the door,"who is it? "the fuck is going on? "the fuck?is that my heart? shit." i'm gonna give a shout-outto this motherfucker. look at this watch. come on, dude.
look at this shit here. i ain't took it offin four days. they tried to baptize me. you go to church to get baptizedwith this watch on, you can't even let the bitchhit the water. so when they dip you, your handgot to stay up like this. "ah, thank you, rev." this bitch is cold. he think he getting it back.
well, i say good-night,i got a airplane-- i got a car taking meto the airport right now. this is gonna be some bullshit. i see a lot of people hugged up. i'm telling y'all,i'm from detroit. i've been watching you women.you women so thick and nice. even in oaklandand in sacramento. look at their ass. i hate skinny-ass bitches.
ass like two knuckles. they walk and want you to look. it like somebody shooting dice. just--the assis all over the place. you talking to your boy,this bitch walking past, all you hear is "clack, clack,clack, clack, clack, clack." if you got a big ass,let it be big. let it be thick. look at mama right here.
you was killing 'emback in the day. just killing the ass. ernestine was in the house. don't let these skinny girlsmake you feel bad 'cause you got a big ass. flaunt that bitchlike a tyrannosaurus rex. [screeching] knock that bitch downwith that ass. these--i live in l.a. also.i got an apartment in l.a.
this is how the womenlook in l.a. - boo! - i walk past."excuse me, bitch." i need a real woman,god damn it. i got a aunt, she big as shit,in detroit. 490.they be fighting over her. she a diva. she got a microwavein the bathroom. she on her toiletheating up hot pockets.
bing!ahh, mmm. you got to be a bad bitchto eat on the toilet. how do you push and swallow,goddamn it? you won't know what the fuck-- ain't no ordinary persondo that shit. this bitch-- she be in the club dancing,doing this shit. you don't see noneof this moving, you just-- bitch, you dancing?
i love my family, man. had a uncle,his motherfucking ass stupid. he think his funeralnot gonna go right. he got a whole list of shithe want done at his funeral. i said, "look here, dude. "when your heart stop,you going in the oven. i'm burning you.i ain't got time for this shit." a funeralwill take a whole week to do. and $1,000--$10,000.
i got $800,and this nigga got a oven, that's all we need. this nigga bought a casketthat he own today, rented a funeral home out,and had his own funeral. made us view his body.he in the casket-- laying on the casketlooking at us. "go ahead, keep it going.looking good. looking good.why ain't you crying, tony?" "because you're looking at me,motherfucker.
hate your weird ass." fuck. make the family look bad. can't believe this shit. my grandfather old. old people, i love 'em.they make me laugh. old people make you laugh? well, shit. my grandmotherfell down the stairs.
i ain't lie.i cracked the fuck up. not 'cause i don't love her. 'cause she talkedthe whole way down. "lord have mercy!jesus! holy ghost!somebody grab my hand! "this don't make no sense!please, god! "how many stairs is this bitch? lord have mercy!" i love my grandmom.
my grandfather 90. he got sounds in his car. he spent $11,000. he got 15 speakers. woofers and tweetersin the trunk. he 90. he supposed to be ina nursing home. what the fuck you doingwith sounds? he get in his car--
you ever heard al greenreal loud? nigga.soon as you get in the car. [mimicking funky guitar] [mimicking distorted organ] ♪ love and happiness ♪ he be in the car,i don't hear shit. 'cause you got hairin your ears, motherfucker. goddamn rightyou don't hear shit. what the fuck going on?
can't wait to get this shit. get my move on tonight. we gonna be bringingpop-locking back. [audience cheering] i be only nigga doing thisin the club, shit. i be having white gloveson waiting for a bitch to ask me to dance. you gonna whisper that shit. "you want to dance?"
you done fucked up, bitch. eat your hand. ah! my signature move now. i was on you got served. they keep cutting me out 'cause i doing too muchof this shit. i did shit. i was at 8--
i was the 293rd guyin the movie 300. i was way in the back 'cause i ain't had the abs. i had the drawersand the cape, though. they ran out of spears for me. i'm back there with a cigarette. spartans! cold as fuck out here. bitches, put your shit right.
see people coupled up.y'all getting ready to have sex. serial killer. you seea bald-headed white dude, he like a serial killer,i don't give a fuck. he kill you and keep you. you ever made a sex tapewith your girl and watched it? she don't know about it? you freaky motherfucker. ahh, seriously got to trythat shit.
fellas, you make a sex tapewith your girl, do not watch yourself fucking. when you having sex,you feel sexy. you feel good.you think you doing good. watch yourself on tape. don't fuck with itif you ain't been to the gym, 'cause itgonna fuck your self-esteem up. don't look at yourself-- soon as we made the tape,threw it in.
i'm like,"bitch, who the fuck is he? this nigga here." i ain't done seen your assin the back, you don't know how you look. i got two dents in my shiti ain't never seen before. i didn't know who this guy was. "bitch, you cheating on me?" i'm hitting it from the side. i said, "bitch, you pregnant?"she said, "nigga, that's you."
i got the kangaroo. this her ass. i'm all stomach on the ass. i took the dvd to the gymthat night. the trainer said,"what you want to work on now?" i said, "nigga, look at me, "what you meanwhat i want to work on? "i look like a goddamn panda. "look at this shit.
i need crunches." [women cheering] it ain't here. what the hell do i want? i need crunches, god damn it. fuck that. if you over 35 right now,you know what this is. stamina. thank you, thank you.
who can understand this. you know how long i can do this? two hours of this. you getting it old-school music. ♪ colddo do do do ♪ ♪ blooded ♪ ♪ freeze ♪ ♪ do do do ♪ you can go all over the room,
bring you assback right here though. that's what you're getting. you young dudes out therebe fucking her all sideways. yeah!yeah! and picking bitches up. uh-uh.uh-uh. you're getting this. this is very effective. many women have cooked mebreakfast because of that.
you want some of that, mama? motherfuckers act like they-- they the king. "b," don't be somethingyou ain't. fella's old-school.it's old-school over here. stay in your bracket,god damn it. you young catsbe sitting over girls like this. one hand. [growling]
i tried--my girl like this. my arm get to shaking and shit. i got to make up shit. "kiss me, kiss me, kiss me! "oh, god, my arm burning. get on top.this is some bullshit." i can't even hold her. my arm down like this. like some christmas decoration.
i'm like that green thingon yo gabba gabba! i'm just saying,if you old-school, be old-school,do that dumb shit. you know how to do it. you doing this shit.you getting tired. you know you about to get yours. you know, it's smooth, you can: [grunting and snorting] you want to get upand try to move,
and she just keep grabbing. "let me--[grunts] "let me go. "nah, you don't want thisright now. [snorting] you don't want this." - yeah, yeah! - i like older women too. i like 'em real old.
i hit a women like this. "oh, you kissing this pussy." come on,share that oxygen with me, girl. come on. give me some of that helium. you getting fucked upwhile we fucking. i don't like women too young. these young girlsget you put in jail. they'll fuck your nightup in one word.
"you like that young girl?you like that?" "yes, mister." "know you didn't-- "call meno goddamn mister. "get your shoes with the lightson the back and get the fuck out of here." oh, this bitch here. i knew the mickey mouse tattoo--was a goddamn-- i shouldn't have did it,this bitch got...
i don't know what theyfeeding these young girls today. fellas,you ever been at a red light minding your business. three high school girls,seniors, walk out with backpacksand fat asses. you like,"what the fuck is this?" you like,you be talking to yourself. "oh, look at this shit.look at this. "walk that walk, big bitch.
"look at this.what they feeding 'em? "what they puttingin the milk today? "look at this thing.yes, yes, yes, yes. lord have mercy." anything in your peripheralyou can watch. soon as you turn your head,you're going to jail. you are going to jail. the police don't give a fuck. that's wrong with the policein this town.
i want to know how they do itin the south sac. they must be busy out there, 'cause they ain't doing shitin rancho cordova. i live out there. they so bored. these motherfuckersstopping each other. "why you going so fast?" "i'm in pursuit." "tell it to the judge, nigga."
just bored as shit out there. love it, them... fat asses.everything. i fly a lot. got to fly tomorrow. i don't trust motherfuckersno more, especially in the airline. they letting anybody through. they strip-searched meto the point i thought they
gonna rape me. this bitch at the gate. [ululating] you don't knowwho this bitch is. i don't care.we are on high alert. fuck that religion. you got to snatch that shit offher head and look at her. sorry, bitch, you can't get onlooking like a superhero. i'm sorry.
i need to see your hair,bitch, don't get smart with me. la, la, la, la.[snorts] clear your throat over there,ma'am. you watch her ass. i'm on a plane with her. i watch her goto the bathroom twice. second timeshe go to the bathroom, "get out of there!get out of there. she got something!"
she got three bags of peanutsand some aluminum foil, this bitch good. "land the plane.land the plane. this bitch about to blow us up." bitch got lotion. they don't let you onwith lotion 'cause you gonna blow us up. lotion! we getting too fucking paranoid.
you let this bitchall on the plane; i can't take lotionon the plane. 'cause i'ma blow it up. with some goddamn jergens,i'ma blow it up? "i can't wait to setthis fucking lotion on fire." this shit keep going outand the matches keep going out 'cause lotion is not flammable! this bitch got a knifein her stockings. what you think is in here?
plans. so you-- [laughing] you take this bitch off. [thumping] tackle that bitch. i'm gonna tell youthe smallest place in the world; the airplane bathroom. you ever been in one?
nigga, soon as you walkin the bathroom, everything right here. you try and pull your dick out. you come out the bathroomlike this. they need to expandthis motherfucker. i flew from london to l.a.nonstop. nonstop.14 hours. took two tylenol p.m.s. let me tell you how toughthese motherfuckers are.
you don't yawn, you don'tget no warning or nothing. you be talking to somebody. "yeah, no, because i--" you know,this motherfucker comatose. i was sleeping so hard, i woke up on a nigga's chestlike this. i woke up."what the fuck? what you doing here?" three of my buttons unbuttoned.
"this some bullshit." i ain't even sitting thereno more; i'm in the aisleway giving outdrinks with this bitch. "there you go. you want some tea?you want some tea?" she said, "sir,you don't have to do this." "yes, the fuck i do. i'm about to get molested,and you don't give a fuck." no, bitch,i didn't write that love letter.
that ain't my handwriting. sick of you niggas out there. let anything happen to me. i'm twittering on the plane. i like doing it in the morning.get my twitter on. tweeting shit. "cut your phone off.the plane about to leave." you know what i think,"i still got a little time." old white lady right here said,"pst,
sir,you have to cut your phone off." i said, "this ain'tyour fucking plane, bitch." "nosy bitch in 12-b. angry face." would you shut the fuck up? ain't got time for this shit. some people don't like to fly. "uh, i'm superstitious." i hate that superstitious shit.
i don't sweep my feet,i'm going to jail. nigga, you got warrants. i'm in an exit row;the lady gonna ask me, "you gonna help me with the doorin case of an emergency?" i was like,"no, bitch, that's your job. "what the fuck you meani'ma help the door? "you got the wings.you got your training. what the fuck?i can't help you with the door." the minute this planestart going down,
i'm fucking all the womeni can get my hands on before we crash. "we crashing! "oh, shit, we crashing! people, we crashing!" god damn it,somebody fuck somebody, please. i mean, ass and everything. up in the ass. i don't usually eat ass,but this day, we dying.
who gonna tell? i ate some ass, so what? we about to burn. you would eat some ass too. i got bad luck, though. i'ma be having sexwith somebody, they gonna say, "this is your pilot, we'vegained control of the plane. everything okay." "sorry, ma'am.sorry, i thought we were dying.
bitch, i said i'm sorry.i didn't want you either." they play too much. got to get the meatout of my teeth. and eat it. we land.i got five rape charges. but this mother gonna be a hero. i'm in courttrying to represent myself. "your honor, we was all nervous. "we was all fucking somebody.
"it wasn't just me! they lying on me!" shit. i got a phobia. i can't sleep naked. i don't know where it come from. i feel like i got to leave outthe house real fast. who sleep nakedwith their woman? what brother?
brother with the white shirt on,you sleep naked? you ain't got to--i don't want you, motherfucker. look at him. he's all blushing. i say, "you sleep naked?" better straighten your shit up. put the camera on dr. sexyright here. i can't do this shit. my girl love to go to bed naked.
i got to bed naked; 30 minutes later,i got on shorts, t-shirt on, shoes right here ready to go. i don't know what might happen.what if we catch-- what if the house catch fireand we asleep, deep sleep. that smoke so thick,we can't even see. like, "what the fuck?the smoke, the smoke!" and a firefighterput his wet, big, cold-ass glove up my ass and start taking meoutside naked?
'cause this his job. he running out.i'm on his shoulder. "please, mr. firefighter,don't let me outside like this. "i got neighbors, motherfucker. "let me burn.let me down! i'm gonna tell your superiors." "i'm a hero, sir.i need to take you outside." throw me outsideon the cold, wet grass. my neighbor's looking.
my dick done shriveled up'cause it's cold and wet. they going, "look, oh, my god,he's an infant." "shut up, it's cold out here." i can't do it, dude. my girl love to do shiti don't like to do. she woke up one morningtalking about, "oh, i had a dreamthat you bought me a car." i said,"you better go back to sleep "and drivethat motherfucker then.
"'cause it ain't here. "matter of fact,pick me up while you at it. "i want to drivein your dream car. "let me go back to sleepwith you and let's hang out in your new shit." you need to stay woke,'cause you having nightmares. "when we get married,i want an expensive ring." "all right, i'm gonna goto japan and call you. "you answer that bitchon the first ring
and see how much it cost." yeah,that's gonna be expensive... this a big dude right here,with the hat on. what's up, brother?how you doing, man? looking for a bodyguard job? i wish i would have had youfor a bodyguard. i'd pick a fight.i don't give a fuck. i would look for somebodyto pick a-- i'd be anywhere.
"you ain't got not ranchdressing? "knock this bitch out. "knock her out right now. "that bitch ain't gotno ranch dressing. hope you got ketchup, bitch,or he gonna hit you again." thugs. i see some thugs in here now. thugged out, these niggas. hell, yeah.
don't be too thug. i got thug friends in detroit, not afraid of nothing. let me tell you something,fear is good. let fear in sometime. don't be too thugged out, fear gonna tell youwhat to do next. if you over agirl's house chilling, you over trying to get some ass.
"yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.what's up, baby? you know what i'm saying?" and then suddenlyyou hear this at the door, "who in there, bitch? "i'm about to come in right nowand kill you. "i got my gun.anybody in there with you? fuck 'em, i'm about to kill bothof y'all right now." let fear in right now. fear gonna tell youyou got enough time to jump up,
and tie your sleeves--takeyour sleeves off your shirt, tie your shirt up in the front, and when he busts in the doorsay, "girl, he is fine. call me tomorrow." but you a dead motherfucker. fear is good. i don't give a fuckwhat you say, don't be a tough motherfucker. and don't be out thereputting your hands
on these females. i mean, use other methods. no, you hear me right?there's other methods. - kick 'em! - you want to hit your woman. you ever had a fightwith your wife and just want to slap the shitout of her? well, you're a white man,you cut throats. white people'll kill youand drag you out in a trunk.
put your head in their lap. they don't give a fuck. you ever want to slapthe fuck out your girl, wayne? just like, arg! this'll make a man hit you,ladies. we losing an argument. you in our face with this shit, "fuck you, punk.you weak-ass punk. "nigga.do it, i dare you.
fuck, i'm tired of your shit." you be like... [screaming] "this your face, bitch!that your face!" "do it.do it, i dare you. fuck you." you can't hit her,'cause you going to jail. the police can come in,you nose bloody, your face scratched up,your eye black.
they'll tell you,"take his ass to jail. something happened." you the one that's beat up. you can't hit her,but i tell you what you can do. i did it before. let her get in your face,real deep. "fuck you.fuck you." poke that bitch in the eye. i ain't never heard nobodygo to jail
for poking somebody in the eye. you can't-- don't put your hand uplike that, she gonna block it. act like you just walking awayand sneak her ass. if you hate her,dig in the corner. [audience groaning] somebody looking at-- somebody looking at their womanright now. "hey, bitch,you as good as poked.
you about to be pokedthe fuck out." they gonna be at home,making up a argument. "who put the tv on channel 3? bitch!"pow. "who turned this shit?" i be doing dumb shit. i had a old lady in the bankwith me. real old.like, this old. doing this right here.
i go, "why you saying no?i ain't asked you shit yet." "hey, there, baby. can you help mecheck my balance?" i pushed her over. said, "yeah,your balance all fucked up. "lady, you got to openyour legs more, god damn it. "let me-- "i'ma do it again. bite down.bite down!"
fuck that, dude. that's funny as shit. i'm glad y'all came out. this is my second one-hourspecial. let me tell you something, we was running around heregiving out tickets. to get this. i like this shit. y'all motherfuckersis supporting.
got some old-schoolin the house. what's up, old-school? this nigga here. this nigga gonna comein the club right away. they put on foot in, "jay jay,what they doing up in there? i ain't got time for this shit." these old-school cats. they be in the clubwith the young girls putting on the young girls.
our rap ain't got shiton theirs. no matter what we talk about. these niggas in therewith something the girlsain't never seen before. they in there with a real yo-yo. ain't nobody ever seena real yo-yo in the club. these niggas walking the dogand shit. young girl like,"oh, that's impossible." "you ain't seen shit yet.
ah-ha!" i see old-school femalesin here. what's up, mama,how you doing? mm-hmm. throw the stand. time i seen my grandmama naked.ugh. peril, it was--oof. she ran the house,titties hit the-- "oh, baby,i didn't know you was home."
those titties down here. i done knocked her down,started ironing her. "come here, grandma. "i know it's hot, it's steam. "you need this. "you like a winter leaf. damn, grandma.skin like a..." you ever sleep with somebody-- fellas, you ever wake upand your woman staring at you?
- creepy. - you wake up."bitch, what's wrong with you? "let me count my money.i don't trust you. "all right, what you doing up? why you up?" "everybody up but you." "what you doing? "you up but you looking at me. take your ass..."
i don't trust my girl. i hold her hand when we asleep. "where you going?""to the bathroom." "yes, we are. "i'm gonna watch you peeing. "hurry, out here.hurry up. we got to go back to sleep." we got a fish eye. we got to do our thing.
fuck this shit. i think that--i like to please my girl. i look to do shitain't nothing-- no man ever did to her. that's what you got to do. you got to be different.you got to think out the box. that's what i'm saying. some fellas just want to dothe same old move. [groaning]
"let me hit it from the back. now you get on top." do some different shit. you making your loveto your woman, just look at her. "yeah." so when she go, "yeah," thump her in the tooth. she ain't had--
she gonna be,"what wrong with you?" "you ain't never had that,have you?" you think i'm bullshitting? please your woman. i seen some--i see you looking at me. i had a old lady, 70 years old, want to fuck mein houston, texas. i said, "come on"-- "no, come on, fuck it."
i'm on the bed, laying down,trying to look sexy. this bitch taking pills. [exhaling sharply] "i'ma get you, young man.you wait now." bitch, you about to die on me,god damn it. i hate to go out with my boy. he meet somebody sexy,and he want you to take care of her girlfriend. like, "i want you to take onefor the team for me."
you look over, "let me see her--fuck that, nigga." that bitch over therechewing the speaker. ain't no way i'm-- i'm in the room,you know what i'm saying, i'm waiting for--let him do his thing. i'm under the coverwith a coat on with the hood and everything. this bitch rubbing my head. i can feel her hand.
it's got the bumps on her handlike a cat's tongue. i'm like, "ugh." said, "you know what i hate?" i said, "uhh..." "people don't understand me." i said,"'cause you a velociraptor. oh, god, holy shit." that's right, bitch,you a velociraptor. i don't care what you about.
i will fucking please you. women are hard to please. women think-- men think you got to doa lot of shit for women. you don't. all you got to dois do something to her and do something for herthat her friends never had done. you got to be different. that's what the nameof this show is:
you got to be the next dude. be a new dude every week. you don't--it don't make-- it's not like you not you.you the new dude. bring something differentto your life. i'm new.i don't give a fuck. let your girl come in and just do something differentto her. be different.
let her come in the room, naked, you got three goldfishslapping your hand. "babe, what you doing?" hit her with the goldfish. and fuck hertill the goldfish die. fuck y'all. i'm tired-- come in the roomwith a trench coat and an axe in your hand.
and her in the bed like this. "you ain't gonna believe whati'm about to do to you bitch." 'cause you different. none of that same dude no more. let her come to bed. say you want to dosome roleplay. she got an attack dog suit on. she don't understand it. let a real german shepherdout on this bitch.
[yelling] masturbate while she fighting. "fight 'em back, baby." 'cause youthat different dude now. make love to your woman. while you fucking her,draw a picture of her. be different, god damn it. let her come in the room-- in the housewith groceries and shit.
you behind the couch. "baby, you home?" i'ma show you i'm home, bitch. bust her upside her head;eat her pussy real fast. and go out the windowlike you don't live there. go out the window. she gonna be like,"what the fuck? "i love you! you're so different!"
eat her pussy real fast too. like the gremlin... when they eat them blue things. don't act likeyou don't do it either. that's wrong with men.we creatures. we not men.we not human. we creatures.we eat vagina. we don't give a fuckwhere it's from. yes, we will.
you can have a guy tell you, "don't fuck with her.she's nasty." first thing you go, "really?" ain't nothing five bathscan't fuck with; some disinfectant. you can lift up a girl's shirt, she got a sign over her pussythat says, "this pussy may cause dizziness,drowsiness, and blindness." we'll look around and go,
"it ain't nothingbut side effects." 'cause-- we creatures! live your life. fuck allthat healthy-ass eating. "i don't eat sugar.i don't eat salt. i don't eat pork." who the fuck don't eat pork? who eat pork?clap your hands, you eat pork.
pork is good. i'll eat the pig's eyebrows.i don't give a fuck. i'll catch 'em by surprise--huh?-- and rip the surprise offthis nigga. i eat the pork.fuck that shit. my grandmotherhad me eating some prunes. talking about,"forget the colonic. you get the prunes in youwith some hot tea..." - ♪ listen to these tracks ♪
- "come out you good." she done tell me,prunes don't wait on nobody. i'm on a show one night,prune's in my ass like this. "excuse me.excuse me. "open up, i'm prunes. open this goddamn door up." you know when those pruneswill come out your ass. ain't nothing with it but tea. you ever feel prunes?
prunes got that sharp edge. that shit come--you ever eat corn, take a shit? it's still corn. the prunes come out your ass,gonna cut your ass creases. zzz-zzz-zzt. whizzing. like a frisbeecoming out your ass. fuck that shit. be you.
i don't do shit.i'm lazy. i jogged two days agoand caught a cab home. i went too motherfucking far. i'm laying in the cab,give him my house keys. "here,go in the dresser and get $25. "and bring mesome more money back. take me to the hospital." get your health together. well, fuck eating right.eat--
enjoy yourself. you can eat rightand still have salt. you know what food tastes likewithout salt? jewelry. let me tell you somethingi like though. chick wanted to have sexwith me one day. i went a novelty storeand got some condoms. he said,"you want some new shit?" i said, "what new shit?"
"got some pulsating condomsright here." i said, "what?" "when you put it on your penis, "the heat from your bodymake the condom... [inhales and exhales]and it pulsate." "fuck that. give me five packsof them shits." hit the girl up.she ready too. i said, "hoo, look at that."
fuck that, some bullshit. "these new condoms. it's out.oh, shit." i get kicked her out. "get out my house.i don't need you. get out my house, bitch." [inhales and exhales] "oh, my god." i read the box.
it said the more heat applied,the faster it pulsate. i'm on the bedwith a lighter under my dick. i hit a chick in a wheelchair. that shit was beautiful. she was gonna tell meshe had walking pneumonia. "bitch, you ain't walk nowhere." maybe the rolling flu. we just loved having sex. the foreplay was a motherfuckerthough.
ahh. she says, "i'm getting dizzy."i said, "shut the hell up." i love y'all. i got to go. i'm tony roberts.