About : ashley furniture night stands
Title : ashley furniture night stands
ashley furniture night stands
hi, my name is madonna badger, and i am here to tell you my story. my story has a lot to do with resilience, and so, since the topictoday is resilience, it made sensethat i would tell you my story. my story is about love and loss, is about choosing love over bitterness, it's about dealing with despair, and being a fighter, being a survivor.
and my story is not an easy story to tell, and it is not an easy story to hear, but it is my story. and so, when i tellmy story to all of you, you can takea little piece of it with you, and that helps mebecause you help carry my grief, and it helps to lessen my burden. on december 25, 2011, my house caught on fire,
and my three children: lily, 9, and sarah and grace,who were 7, died. and my mom and dad died, and i lived. everything in my life, my life was gone, within two minutes. so these last two years i've been really tryingto figure out how to live my life, and since i only have 15 minutes to tell you about the lasttwo and a half years,
or really the last 49, trust me, i thought i'd answer some questions. i get a lot of questionsfrom a lot of people. i'm just going to share this up-frontbecause it's important to me. i listened to this buddhist guynamed rinpoche, he's wonderful, on "the tibetan book of living and dying". and in it, he said that a senseof humor, or humor, is creating spacewhere there is no space. and for me, there is very little space;
but that humorhas really been a huge part of trying to seethe lighter side of things. so, i may make a lot of silly jokes,just be prepared for that. (laughter) so, i get a lot of questions,and one of big questions i get a lot is: how do you get out of bed? people still ask me this question. in the beginning, the truth is, i had a lot of trouble getting out of bed,
that was pretty much normalfor me for a long time, but i think the best wayis for me to show you what it looked likein that first year or so. it can even looked a little bitlike that last december, but essentially.. so i'm asleep, and i'm asleep and i wake up, and i wake up and i remember that my children are gone,and that my parents are gone, and that everything is gone.
and then i go, and i'm in the fire, and i'm in the fireand i'm trying to think: "ok, what should i have done, why didn't i do that?why didn't i do this? i could have done that,why didn't i do that? why? why? why didn't i do that? why did i buy that house?why did i do this? ok, i've got to get up.i've got to get up, i've got to get up, i've got to get up!"
and i stand up because i can not thinkmy way out of that, i can only act my way out. and so, i get up, and i take a shower, and some days i go right back to bed. and some days i wake upand i take a shower, and i have a cup of coffeeand then i go back to bed. and some days i wake up and i havea cup of coffee and i go to work. and so lately, in the past yeari've been going to work.
and for me, there isa lot of dignity in work. there is a lot of dignityin doing my job well. and there is a lot of honor in that, and i know that my children would want me to find that purpose and that reason. and so i do that. i want to tell you a storyabout getting out of bed and this story came aboutnine months after the fire. it was lily's birthday,
and it was the first big birthday. of my children lily came first. it was on august 29th, and so the weeks up untilthis birthday were excruciating. i couldn't sleep, and i couldn't eat, i didn't want to go therapy,and i didn't want to go to acupuncture, i just didn't want to move, i was so scared, i was so scared and so terrified.
so what happened is that i went to bed,the night before lily's birthday and i woke up that next morning and i felt amazing, i felt completely full of lightand full of love. and i got up, and i put on my best outfit, and i did my hair, and i put on make-up,which i had none in a long time, and i said: "happy birthday,lily, i love you!" because she's still my daughter,and it was still her birthday.
another question i get is:"how do you keep going?" well, i keep going in many, many ways because i'm still their mom, i'm still lily and grace and sarah's mom. and i am still a daughter to my parents. and that's not going to change.even though everything else has changed. and i know that they arestill with me in a different way, but i know, and i'll tell youa little bit about that in a minute. but first, i wanted to talk a little bit
about how i am keeping going, and part of it is what happenedto me before the fire, and learning how to bea fighter before the fire. i grew up in kentucky, i had a very normal,natural childhood, for the most part, and when i was 13 years oldi started drinking, and i thought:"wow, ok, this is going to work, this is going to work,now i feel a lot better!" and then i started taking drugs at 15
and "wow, ok, this is even better!" but i had this other side of me, i had this other side of methat was in the advanced programme, and i was editor of my school paper; i had this other side of methat was highly functioning. and so this kept goinguntil i turned 27, roughly. at 27 i had a nervous breakdown because alcohol and drugs stopped working and i couldn't be the personi wanted to be and still use them.
so this was quite a traumaand quite a crisis, and what happens sometimesis when we have a crisis, - i read this; i'm not a psychiatrist by any stretch, although i've seen a lot of them - i had this trauma,this sort of mental breakthrough, and what happenedis that i also had a memory. and the memory was that i've beensexually molested as a little girl. when i was five years oldmy best friend's older brother,
he was 18 and i was 5,and he had molested me over time. and my mind had blanked that memory. that was a lot, and soit took me a long time and a lot of hard workto really grow and fight, because trust me, i was angry, and i was pissed, and i felt sorry for myself,and i thought: "how did this happen to me? why am i an alcoholic?why am i a drug addict? why did i get sexually molested?
why did all these horriblethings happen to me?" and my friend marilyn saidthat when we're filled with anger and hatred and bitterness, i'm the only one that sufferswith my bitterness, so i had to learn, through a lotof work and a lot of talking, and through emdr workwhich is a form of trauma therapy, an eye movement trauma therapy, through acupuncture which helps,through a lot of therapy, a lot of therapy retreats, psychiatry,taking anti-depressants.
i had to really work hardto get to the place where my heart could be filled with love. when my heart is filled with love,i can really move forward. and for me that meantbeing the best mom i could be when my children came. and i was a very good mom. and i was a sober mom. and they knew i loved them,and i know they loved me. "what do you do when the darkness comes?"
clearly, a mother losing a child is thought to be worst possible thingthat can happen to us. in my case, all three were taken from me. for me there's a cry gauge.the crying of, what you see up here, what i'm doing, that's like a 1 to 3. on a scale on 1 to10i'm on about a 2, maybe. ten is off the charts, ok? and number 10 cry is likea tsunami that comes over me, it's like the dam breaks,and there's no stopping it;
i am going with this flow,and we are going down, this is real. this happened to me at one point.i'm going to tell you a story. i was in little rock, arkansaswith my dear friend kate who took me in. i was in front of a mirror, and it was the first timei've ever really seen myself cry like that and i looked in the mirrorand i could see the pain, and the anguish on my face. and tears in a level 10 cry feel likeblood is flowing out of my eyes. it is the most serene, excruciating pain,
much worst than any physical paini have ever felt. and i looked in the mirror,and i saw myself, and i thought: "wow, that person is in a lot of pain". and it was almost as if i couldjust take a quarter of an inch step back, and enter sort of thisdream-like spiritual space where i could see the pain. and it was in that moment, that suddenly, all around me, my familyjoined me in the mirror. and all my children were there,
and my mom and dadwere there, and all my family. but it was sarah that came to mereally clearly, and she said: "mommy, there's nothing to be afraid of. don't worry mommy,we're right there always, right there in your heart;don't worry, mommy." and she said: "ah, and by the way,dreams are more real than this life." the comfort that gave me was huge. and then, i thought i was delusional. i thought, after few days passed,you know, "i must be bunkers.
my children are talking to me,i'm not able to see them. come on, this can not be real." so, i've seen a lotof different spiritual people over the course of my time,as one can imagine, and one of them is this amazingzen buddhist monk, master... so i went to him and i told himthis story in particularly. i said: "jim, how do you knowthat i'm not delusional? i must be delusional,this can not be happening." and he said:"here's how i can explain it to you:
if i give you a glass of water,and you drink that water, you instantly knowwhen you drink that water if it's warm, or if it's cold. that is exactly how you know that what you sawand what you felt was real, because that is your truth." and that gives me so much comfort,so much comfort, and so i except that truth today. so, what do i do when the darkness comes?
i try to look for the gems.you know, that's the best i can do. and i am not perfect at this. you're getting higher-selfmadonna here, trust me. i am trying to tell youthe stuff that is right up here; because sometimes i getvery frustrated, and i get very angry. sometimes the bitternessand the shame, it all creeps in. sometimes i can feelmiserably sorry for myself, miserably sorry for myself. but it is in those momentsthat i have to remember
what my friend john told me, and that is, "it's progressnot perfection," right? it's progress, it's putting togetherthe times when i don't do that, and knowing that that is possible, knowing that not every timein the darkness there will be a pearl, like as in an oyster or a gem. that won't happen every time.but i do try to look for them. "how have you changed?"
well, of course everythinghas changed and nothing has changed. i'm still their mom. but everything has changed. after the fire nobody really knewwhat to do with me. i didn't have any immediate family,i had no home, i had no clothes, i had no furniture, i had no place to go, i had no family. everyone just assumedthat i had been struck mentally ill. i had a nervous breakdown,i knew what mentally ill looked like,
i wasn't mentally ill, but regardless, i would goto these different hospitals, people would be gettingelectroshock therapy next to me, the doctors would come inand sit down and talk to me, and than they would start to cry,the nurses would cry, i was like: "what's going on here?" finally, i made it to the fourth hospital, and that was in little rock, arkansas. it was calledthe psychiatric research institute.
i lived with my old collegeroommate kate askew, and her husband jess. i stayed in their older daughter's room, who had long since gone. my hair was falling out, and i was literally gray,and i couldn't talk really, and i couldn't smile,i couldn't do anything, and slowly i got better. and the doctor at the pri said to me:
"you're not crazy, you're just sad. you're just incredibly sad." and he said: "let me explainto you what has happened: the nerve endings between a motherand a daughter are incredibly strong. there are these giant nerves,these energy forces, that connect us oneto the other, one to the other. in my case, when the fire came, those nerve endingswere completely slashed, and i was left completely raw.
i also had the nerve endingsbetween me and my mom and dad, and those are different typesof nerve endings from an adult child to an adult parent. those nerve endingshave also been slashed, and that basically, little by little,by slowly by little, a little thin layer of skin would growover those nerve endings. and over time, if i didn't numb myselfwith alcohol, with drugs, with bitterness and with hate,and obviously they help me with that,
that i would be able to love again, and love a little more,and love a little more. and so, in little rock arkansas, a community literally rose around me, and the love i got was so unbelievable, they carried me,they literally carried me, which leads me to my nextand last question: "how do you find peace?" so, i have to tell you another storythat happened before the fire,
and this story helped really teach methat peace is not an end-game, that peace is somethingthat you get along the way to where you are going. it isn't some magic keythat someone will hand you, which i thought it was. i grew up a poor kid from kentucky, and so i thought:"if i just get that perfect job, and if i just getthat great wardrobe and the title, if i get the right apartment,
if i could just loosethose last 10 pounds, and get the perfect husband and haircut, then, i'm going to feel at peace." i got all those things, and i had an emptiness insideof me, that was so big. my friend marilyn told me that this was actually a god-shaped hole that i needed to fill. it wasn't a brand-newapartment-shaped hole,
it was not i'm-going-to-lose-those-next-five-pounds-shaped hole, it was a god-shaped hole. i had to find a spiritual lifethat made sense to me. that was not necessarilythe spiritual life that my parents have thought me, or even anything i had actuallyeven known up until that point. i had to find a spiritual lifethat made sense to me, that would help fill upthat empty hole inside of me. so, again, this is over periods of time,
but the hole was filled by me, being as loving as i could be. the hole got filled by mebeing as kind, as gentle as i could be. the hole got filled when i wasmy most authentic self, when i was an honorable person, when i did my job with dignity,that hole got filled. my spirituality camewhen i chose to forgive you rather than to be forgiven. if i fill my heart with bitternessfor what happened, hatred,
if i curse the heavens,if i'm angry, which happens, but when i'm there,feeling so sorry for myself, i can't feel my children,i can't feel their love. i can't feel your love.that becomes a choice. it becomes a choice to not be the victim. it becomes a choice to be a fighter, it becomes a choiceto really want to stand up and tell my story to you. it becomes a choice for meto really want to find a purpose.
after the fire,and i'm going to end with this, i felt like i've been blown to bits, literally blown to pieces. and even in the early mental institutions, i would get a little piece of mefrom something there. and i would go over hereand found another little piece of me. and you would write mean email and love on me, and i get another piece. or lynda would give me love,or jim would give me love,
or karl, all the people that are here, mark, kids, can't say all your names,but you all give me love. i would get little pieces of meput back together again. and so my friend kate said:"what if we are all pieces of god? what if we all carry in usthis idea of pieces of god, and what if we are all just a partof a great big puzzle?" and i believe that; i believethat love is the most powerful force and the most powerful energyin the entire world. the love that i feel for my childrenand that they feel for me
is the most powerful forcei've ever known. and i think it's this connectionthat i have with them that allows me to alsoconnect with all of you and hopefully you with me. thank you. (applause)