About : standard furniture reaction
Title : standard furniture reaction
standard furniture reaction
(music playing) eddie: jessica, hi, it's me, eddie. you know, we've been togetherfor three years and i have somethingvery important i want to ask you. nah. that sounds too formal. jessica, what up?it's me, eddie. i know we've beenfighting lately a lot.
but i thinkwe should take our relationship to the next level? and that is why i'm gonna ask you... this... i have a veryimportant question, i have a veryimportant query. i have a very importantproposal for you.
no, it's too formal. she's totallygonna say, "yes" when she sees it anywayso, who cares? jessica, hi. (doorbell buzzes) hey babe, i thought you fixedthat door handle. i can't even beginto tell you about my day. we have this new directorand he just makes us do the same sceneover and over again.
what's that smell? why are you dressedso nice? jessica,when we first met, i know it wasn't underthe best circumstances. - okay.- but i begged you to go on a date with meand for some reason you said, "yes."and it was there that i found out that we hadthe same favorite desert. ooh, what could be under here?
could it be tiramisu? ooh, babe... that was tiramisu. now it's kind of meltedbut i remembered. - so that's something, right?- what's going on? come on.come on. come on, baby.come on. - to go where?- come on, come on. over here,over here.
it's really quick. right.stop. - okay.- and on our first anniversary, we took a road tripto the majestic city of fresno, california. jessica: oh, you framed that terrible photo of me. eddie:yes, i actually framed a photo. oh god, i got so sick offthat gas station burrito.
many a pantswere lost that day. - jessica: yeah. - eddie: it was a smelly, - smelly trip.- okay, okay. okay, sorry.but anyway, it cut our tripto vancouver short and we never made itbut didn't matter because as always we rallied togetherand made the best of a not-quiteperfect situation.
yeah, we really did. and i have... one more thing for you. okay?this way? this way.scooch, scooch. - okay.- scooch, scooch. and then back.back, back, back, back, backand stop, stop, okay. jessica,we've been together
for three years and i think it's time we take our relationship to the next level. what are you doing? - oh, my god.- jessica olivia mathews. my girl, my babe. my question for you is, will you be
my roommate... soon? what? soon? wait, wait, hold--check this out. come on, ed. just a second.this-- - it's gonna be really cool.- (sighs) - it's fine, just forget it.- eddie: how come every discussion
we have latelypenultimately ends with you - mad at me?- jessica: oh my god, for the last time that's not how youuse penultimate. since when? since always. god, you know,i'm not even mad. i'm not, okay?i'm just-- i'm disappointed. i thought you were goingto ask me to marry you.
marry you? babe, we're super young. that's, like,old people stuff. okay, we're notthat young and we've been datingfor three years. yes, and that's why i asked you to move inwith me soon. so we could share thingslike food and cable and bills.
and? what else is there? okay. you know,i'm just gonna go and i'll text you tomorrowor something, okay? okay, but you don't have to beso dramatic about all this. me?me be dramatic? you set all this upand you get on one knee and ask me to move in.eventually, eventually. yes, yes.
yes, when i'm readyor when we're ready. i'm ready.i'm ready. i told youi was ready. you're not. screw your roommate proposal. jessica, wait.no don't-- jessica. (sighs) (grunts) damn it.
come on. say something. (gasping) this is the problem.you get mad and you start actinglike a child. come on, eddie.let me in. man: next on skin channel, office space between her legs. jessica: eddie, open the door.
eddie? when are you gonna grow up? say something, eddie. say something or we're done. okay. we're done. (sniffs) i'm not dead? i mean like, this guywas a straight up pervert.
what are you guys doingin my house? woman: you guys done? i wanna get these shots inbefore lunch. oh, god. woman: i don't get it. so he chokes himself while he chokes himself. how the hell is that any fun? man: look, i don't wanna judge
because i suck toes. but that's got to be really embarrassing for this dude, right? (laughter) i do not want--i wouldn't want to be... you guys are sick.you're sick. - you're just pathetic and sick.- guys, it's not like that. you know, it'd be sickif we got all this on instagram real quick.let's get in there.
dude, yes. guys, did you see that? - what's up?- come on, get in here. hey your--no, no, no, no, no. - no instagram, no.- man: let's say - autoerotic asphyxiation. - autoerotic asphyxiation. eddie: guys, you don't understand. i got my tie stuckin the door and then... i'm not a pervert.
no one saidyou were, dude. you can hear me? - i'm black.- you didn't know? (groaning) - (gasping)- (gasping) woman: i think we should just all go outsideand get some fresh air. yeah. whoa, is he gonna be cool,
there with the door open,being dead? yeah, you knowyou're right. we good. seriously? you're just gonna leave my body like that? you're coming back, right? (phone rings) hey, it's charlie ross. yeah, yeah, i got it right here.
it's in mint condition and it's got allthose expensive apps i was talking about on it. five hundred dollarsis the absolute lowest i can go. okay. oh, perfect. yeah, no. two hundred dollars works, yeah. just meet me at my place.
it's 1750 dewey drive cool, all right,see you in a bit, man. can you take a check? debbie: absolutely. rent is due on the secondof each month and laundryis in the basement and i legally haveto inform you that the last tenantdied on the premises. enjoy your new place.
oh, you're joking, right? she was totally joking. wow, she really committedto that joke. hey, buddy, (clears throat) look, sorry to--sorry to interrupt but the open house is over and this place is-- this place is my place now,
so you couldput some pants on and just get l.b. that would be good. you can see me? yes. oh, snap. dude, this is super exciting, like, i haven'tbeen able to talk
to anyonein, like, a week. okay, yeah,so i actually have someone coming overin just a second so if you could just--if you could just go - that would be...- look man, i don't want to scare youor anything but... i'm a ghost. - totally.- no, seriously dude,
i'm a ghost.you heard that lady say somebody died here, right? - that was me.- right. yeah, sure. and if youare a ghost, then why can i clearlysee you right here? oh, i can prove to you. i can walk through walls.check it out. hey man, you charlie? yeah, you mustbe trevor, right?
i am trevor. cool, man. so can i seethis tablet or what? yeah, it's just chillingover here. here man, it's got a whole bunchof animation apps on here if you're an artist too. oh. oh, my-- oh, my god,
this is so embarrassing. i left one of my comicsup on there. it's pretty-- you like-- what do you think? these are really dark, man. - thanks.- it wasn't a compliment. they're bumming me out. ta-da. oh, what, were you seriously not watching?i just went through the wall. hey can you pleasejust get out of my house?
i thought you wantedto sell this thing, man. - what?- all right, fine. you asked for this. do you believeme now, asshole? what are you doing man? eff yeah.silent mosh pit. let's tear this mother down. trevor: screw you, plate. you're not my mom.
hey, what are you doing? no harm, no foul, right? look man, can you just give me the moneyand get out of here? thanks. hey, there's only, like,a hundred bucks here. that's alli got, bro. no, that's not how this works.
what the hell? charlie:what? he just closed the door. is that ketchup? is that freaking ketchup? here, take your tablet. i don't care anymore. - please just let me go.- what? - here's my money, man. - oh, my god. i don't wanna die. i love too much.
- seriously?- sorry, plate. i never meant to hurt you. just let him go, man. eddie: fine. (sobbing) (screaming) told you i was a ghost. charlie:hey, so if you're a ghost, why don't you wannamove on to heaven?
well, i've been deadfor, like, a week and i haven't seen or heardanything about it, so... maybe it doesn't exist? so... are you, like-- are you the only ghoston earth or what? well, i'm trying to checkmy facebook to see all the postsfrom my friends being like, "oh, sorry you're dead.""oh, you were the best."
but apparently, they didn't design this thingfor dead people. oh, here.i got you. here, try this. oh, awesome. thanks. hey, you know, thanks so muchfor helping me out with that guyand everything but i think you should finda new place to haunt.
oh, there is this cemetery down on thirdthat looks like it's just beggingfor someone to haunt it. it would probablybe perfect for you. who's that? it's my... ex, i guess. look, it doesn't matter.what were you saying? oh, you know,i was just--
i was just sayingi think you should find a new placeto live. no. no, i'm good here. i mean, i just movedsome furniture around, you know, so i'm reallydigging the esthetic. so either you leave or you got yourselfa roommate. - great.- yeah. (snoring)
charlie,are you asleep? do you wantto stay asleep? yes. go to sleepon the couch. i can't, dude. ghosts don't sleep. god, go read a bookor something. dude, your brainfelt so weird. hey charlie,how's breakfast? please leave.
eddie: dude, charlie, charlie, charlie.you will not believe what the guy over in 1748looks like naked. yeah, you know. what color is this? so on a less weird note, i got you a little present. what is this? eddie: this, my friend,
is t-pain'sbirthday show. - charlie: this is phenomenal, man.- eddie: yeah, only the most elite15 people get invited to t- pain's intimate reading of edgar allan poe's the raven. - that's my favorite poem.- oh, no way, dude, me too. - no way, seriously?- yeah. - dude, see, we're bonding.- nice. how'd you get a ticketto this place?
you know,just think of it as a way of me saying,"thanks for staying with me." you're welcome. oh, show's starting. art. t-pain. good evening. once... upon...
a midnight dreary, while i pondered,weak and weary, - over many a quaint... - this is so weird and awesome. i'm gonna get closer. t-pain: ...while i nodded, nearly napping. suddenly, there came a tapping, - as if someone... - it's t-pain.
- ...rapping at my chamber door.- (phone buzzes) t-pain: "'tis some visitor," i muttered, "tapping at my chamber door. only this... - and nothing more." - eddie. i thought you saidthis ticket was a gift. - i did, shh.- charlie: oh, really? is that why there's a chargefor 10 grand on my credit card?
t-pain:(clears throat) i distinctly remember dude, it's just credit.you never have to pay that. charlie:what? yes, i do. ten thousand dollars,are you insane? i'm sorry?excuse me? - what are you doing?- charlie: no. you are ruiningmy freaking life. are you kidding me?
not cool, man.you know, i try. - i'm just one guy up here.- eddie: look, i'm sorry i lied to youbut you seemed like - you needed some fun.- t-pain: one guy on stage trying to make love to it,you know? charlie:fun? no, no. this is not--hanging out with you is not fun for me. - how is t-pain not fun?- t-pain: not fun.
trying to give you guys a-- oh, good cheap ticket show and $10, 000, that's like--it's like one dinner. charlie:you know what? never come back to my apartment again. i'm probably not gonna because i don't knowwhere you live. so i get it, i also don't wanna-- - that was a invitational... - charlie, come back.
charlie:stupid. ten thousand dollars? okay, there you go. - he's gone. - god, you're such a-- he's dead. what happened? eddie: what? t-pain, you're a ghost now too?that's awesome! wait, i'm dead? yeah, you were involved
in a freak theatricalsandbag accident - that i had no part in.- a sandbag? a sandbag killed t-pain? i didn't even have a set piece. it was just me being sexy. but look-- hey, look, check it out.look at this. damn, i'm sexy. this is nice. eddie:yup. so you're not
really worried at allabout being dead? well, not anymore.after looking at that, that's rare.it's pretty nice. i mean but also, you know, i lived a full life,man, you know? - yeah.- t-pain: i did what i needed to do. had a dope career, even more dope garden. oh, what?
my carrots look like full on black guy penises. those must besome pretty big carrots. i touched beyonce's arm once.that was dope. beyonce, from destiny's child? dude, no scrubs, am i right? aw, no, man.i think i did pretty good. i'm cool.i'm cool with this. eddie:that's really great.
i do have some bad news, though. there's no heaven so we're just kind of stuck here foreveruntil the end of time. t-pain:that's why you're hereand i can see you. - eddie: yeah, yeah. - and that's why i'm... eddie: yeah, it's just you and me so i don't know.you just wanna-- you wanna be best friends? - oh no.- eddie: you sure you don't want
- to hang out? - no, no, no. i'm probably gonna--probably gonna find tupac. - eddie: because i'm like... - i'm probably gonna go to that. like, this cool. oh, my god, this feels so amazing. i'm ready, baby, let's go. - lord, taketh me away.- hold on, hold on, hold on. where are you going? t-pain:i'm going to heaven, dude.
isn't it obvious?here i come, baby. - yeah.- no, no, no. how come you're able to goand i can't? okay. give me a second. yo, how come i'm goingand he's not? right. uh-huh. - okay.- eddie: what are they-- - what are they saying?- give me-- come on,
give me a second.oh, no kidding. oh, look at-- my dog's up here. this informationis not relevant to me. they said it's becauseyou have unfinished business. unfinished business?what does that even mean? yeah, because thisain't important for me. (stutters) what does that mean? right. uh-huh. okay. they said the answeris near your heart.
t-pain, you got to give memore than that, friend. i don't know,but i'm telling jesus i'm throwing a party, baby.let's do it. - yeah.- eddie: t-pain, come on. let's get up there.i'm not even-- i can't-- yeah. great. charlie, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,dude, wake up.
god. man, what time is it? this is a hugefreaking emergency, dude. okay, heaven is real. i saw it when t-pain died. - t-pain's dead?- look, focus, dude. that's not important right now. okay, t-pain saidif i wanted to go to heaven,
i had to take careof my unfinished business on earth, he saidthat the answer - was near to my heart.- dude, you don't have a heart. you just stole$10,000 from me. yeah, to buy you ticketsto a show which you totally loved. look, dude,if heaven's real, i don't wanna be stuck hereon earth forever. being a ghost sucks.
too bad.i'm going to sleep. eddie:look, dude, i promise you,if you help me out, i will get youall your money back and then some, okay?i'm a ghost. okay. fine, fine. how about this.if i go to heaven, you never haveto see me ever again. ugh, all right, all right, all right.
what do you think he meant by close to your heart? (sigh) i don't know, dude. maybe he wasbeing literal. like, maybethere's a message literally on your chestor something. eddie:no, no, don't be an idiot, dude. it's got to be somethingway more deep than that. it's got to be somethingabout my childhood
or a metaphor about lifeor something, dude. they're not-- they're not just gonna put words right on my... who's rick bowman? he's a guy i bulliedin high school. why would he be here? wouldn't he havegraduated already? oh, he's not a student.
he's my chemistry teacher and i hated taking his tests, so we always argued. about what? about why he gave me fs. did you study? no, but that's notthe point. the point is thathe was persecuting me unjustly and showing methe penultimate disrespect.
that-- actually, that's nothow you use penultimate. penultimate meanssecond to last, you know. so if you were describinglike a list of things-- anyway, i was on the yearbook staffand to get back at him, i photoshopped this picture and changed the spellingof his name. charlie: (chortles) dick blowman? - yeah.- oh, my god, man.
- you got away that?- yeah, you get it? because his nameis rick bowman and i changed itto dick blowman. yeah, it's so closeto rick bowman. yeah, but it'sdick blowman. charlie: wow, that photoshop job is genius. eddie:yeah. i actually told him that there wassomething under my car, so he bent down to look andthen i snapped a photo of him
but, yeah,i'm a horrible person. but that was years ago,so i'm sure it's not as bad as it used to be. ah, there he is. - he doesn't look too bad.- rick: okay, class. adjust yourselvesfor the classroom period. class:boo! boo! boo! boo! boo! boo! rick: okay, settle down, class. - settle down. - it's terrible.
rick: okay. well, today's lesson will begin on chapter seven. it's a really fun one,mitosis. sure thing, dick. - my name is rick.- eddie: okay, so... maybe the namestuck a little. - rick: open your books to page... - mr. blowman, i have a question. the name is bowmanbut what is your question?
what's it likeblow-a-man? okay. come on, rick. you can do this. i think i ruinedhis life. you know what?that's not even a clever joke-- of a joke of my name. and as you may know, i'm happily divorcedfrom a woman. charlie: hey, how are we going to fix this?
i could say i'm sorry. - rick: never will be, really. - i don't think years of torment and abuse can be erasedwith a simple apology. yeah, you'reprobably right. come with me. so let's move onto chapter seven. that was my wife'sfavorite number. - are you sure about this?- yeah, dude. i learn from the best,remember?
no, you said you failedall of his tests. no, i said i failedmost of his tests. plus, it saysflammable on it. oh, yeah. no, it's good for you. rick: aw, come on. why wind? - running hurts.- eddie: wooooo, spooky paper.
woooo,try to get it. come on.woooooo. charlie: somebody help me, please. i'm trappedin this classroom and the classroomis on fire. rick: can you undo the locking mechanism? charlie:no, due to the fire, the flamesare blocking the door. - what's happening?- we need to help this man.
- how?- charlie: if only someone knew the correct chemicalsto blow off the door handle and free me. we can use chemistry. you two, get me five hundredmilligrams of potassium. you, get me some water, stat. charlie:(coughing) i can't stand up anymore. you 're okay back there, buddy?
- oh, god, this hurts.- okay, just hang on. rick: now be sure to use extreme caution when using any chemicals even water. now putyour safety goggles on. you're all goggled up? now you want tocoat the surface you want to geta reaction from with h20 making sure thatthe entire surface is coated. (coughing)
oh, god, is he almost done? not really.he's just kind of talking a lot. now cover yourauditory processors. your ears. let me get that potassium. all right. oh boy, this could be fun. (explosion)
eddie:oh, damn,that was really cool. hey, you're still aliveback there? feels like pinsand needles in my chest. okay. you just suck it up,please, and stop whining. rick:see? with the right useof chemistry, you can dojust about anything. now when handling a recently combusteddoor-handle make sure you're usingthe proper outerwear,
gloves and/or clothing. so we're going toput the gloves on. okay.he's putting on gloves now. oh, i can't see. my eyes are openand i can't see. - he's not doing very well at it.- charlie: oh, god. - and then we get him.- charlie: oh, i don't like this. eddie, i think i'm dying, for real, open the door.i don't want to be a ghost.
hey, mr. blowman,you might want to hurry up. eddie:oh, come on, man. just a little bit longer.this isn't about you. i didn't know if that'sto be all about you. rick:okay. so when weactually accomplish it-- (charlie coughing) - you did it.- you're a hero. he blew a door open to save a man.
he is the blow man. blow man. blow man! all:blow man! blow man! blow man! blow man! blow man! i'm smiling. this is what it feelslike to smile. - yeah!- all: blow man, blow man, blow man, blow man, blow man, blow man.
blow man, blow man, blow man. (fire extinguisher gushing) it's working. i almost died. so, are you, like, a newteacher or something? and how did that firestart in the classroom? god, this is depressing. hey, it is coolif i open up this bad boy? no. i'm saving thatfor the night
that i consummatemy future marriage. you. so, what happenedat your job exactly? we didn't see eye-to-eyeon the comic i was doing. they said it wasn'tfunny enough. so, it's just stupid. so it's a comedy? yeah, and it'sfreakin' hilarious. so this comic i wasworking on is about this
socialist opossum that was being oppressed by his capitalist overlords. it's called overlordoppressed opossum. - cool.- right. and look, and his catch phrase,check this out. are you ready? "i'm so oppressed." - cool, cool.- charlie: yeah, so he just--
he goes around,he's always sad and he has to payso much in taxes, his whole family is juststruggling to eat constantly. they can't payfor anything 'cause capitalism,right? it's where-- it's organizedcrime, seriously. that sounds likea really funny comic. anyway,it's hilarious, dude. totally. yeah.
just give me that. hello? jessica? hi. hi. i'm sorry. my ex-boyfriendused to live here and the landlady said that icould come by and get my stuff, but i'm just onbreak from work. sorry, i didn't realize anyone had already moved in here.
and you eat peoplefor a living? oh, the makeup.oh, yeah. no, i'm a zombie. i'm a background actoron that show - law and order zcd.- zcd? - zombie cop division.- charlie: oh, cool. i've never seen it. - oh, the show is amazing.- jessica: oh, you're really not missing much. - like, the whole twin angle is genius.- -- and they still haven't been able to catchthis zombie serial killer--
eddie:is he good or bad? it's crazy.you should watch it. -- and he's the twinof the main character. it's really, really dumb. cool. why is all this stuffstill here? charlie: oh, yeah. everything justcame with the place. you know, and i figuredit was good enough for that last guy,so why not keep it?
the last guy died here. okay. i'm just goingto get my stuff and go. charlie: yeah. yeah. cool. totally. yeah. just makeyourself at home. do you need helpwith anything? no, no, no. i'm good. since you left everythingin the exact same spot as my now dead ex-boyfriend, it shouldn't be hard to find.
cool. yeah, have fun. look at her, dude. she's not wearing blackor a veil or anything. it's not like i ever even died to her. charlie: yeah, 'cause it's not the 1800s. i mean, were you guyseven married? - eddie: what? no. - hey. so, it's hot today, huh? and how long were you together?
eddie: three years. and you werejust now asking her to move in with you? yeah, is that weird? yeah, it's kind of weird. kind of taking it little slow, don't you think? eddie:no. we're going to share bills. - it's adult as hell. - oh, hey. well, maybe by her collecting her stuff,
she'll be offthe list, right? why does she lookso happy? are you kidding me?she looks pretty distraught. eddie: i mean, she's pretending like she barely even knew me. like, she's not even sad or anything. - charlie: what?- eddie: i mean, it's a possibility she didn't even love me in the first place. you should ask her.
ask her if she loved me. - come on.- charlie: what? not now. why? eddie: ask her. - no.- do it. jessica:so, you never lookedaround and thought, "hey, it's pretty creepyto have another couple's photos - all over the place?"- dude, can you pleasejust do it for me? oh, oh, those?no, i thought those werejust the cheesy ones--
cheesy pictures thatcame in those frames. you know what dude,if you don't ask her, i'm going to jump in your body and make you do it. or what?i'm not doing it. or what?oh, you know what. hey. just a quickrandom question, did you-- did you like him? no.
- did i like him?- charlie: yeah. yeah. he was my boyfriend,of course i liked him. - cool, that's what i thought.- no, no. did you love him? - i'm going to go inside you.- did you love him? - what?- eddie: dude, i'm going to do it. - did--- come on, dude. ask her. i can't do this.this is too weird. - jessica, wait.- it was really niceto meet you.
hey, you forgot your stuff. aw, shit! great. how are we goingto get her and your dadoff the list now? i don't know. the funeral. what funeral? (church bell towing) wow.
i look really trimmedin the abdominal region. charlie:oh, yeah, when they embalm you, i guess they just scraped out all your internal organs andjust leave your body as nothing, but an empty petrifiedshell of skin and bones. they also cut off your penisand just leave the testicles. charlie: who are those old people? are those your grandparents? no. just some old people.
man, this is a reallycrap turn out, huh? guess i was kind of a dick. such a disgustingyoung man. man:what an embarrassing way to die. his parents,they must be so ashamed. you should be ashamedof yourself. just terrible. how is everybodyfinding out about this? why is that guyswearing the same ugly tie
as your corpse? that's my dad. god, i haven't seen himin forever. - what happened?- well, we had an argument about why my mom left. i said he was a bad husband and he said i was a bad son. and it turned out we were both wrong, she was just a bad mom.
- dude, he's coming.- (clears throat) okay, this isn't going towork, dude, but whatever. he's never going to believe this. this is stupid. hey, son. i wasn't expecting this. you look good. anyway, so i guessjessica insisted that we bury you in that tie,
so i guess we're twins now. look, i... i just want to saythat i'm sorry that we didn't do stuffdifferently. and i really wish that i had would've taught you safe self-pleasuring practices. okay. dude, please tell himi didn't die like that. why?
don't worry about thatjust, come on, just stick to your heart. tell him, "hey papa t." hey papa t. okay, i don't sound like that. is that you? yeah. it's me, dad,eddie clayton. tim: wow.
it is you-- i can--i can tell the voice and... tim: are you okay? i mean-- i mean,are you in heaven or is it nice? well, dad, i wouldn't know because i haven'tseen heaven yet. yeah. it's great up here. i'm just chilling,playing badminton with abraham lincoln,and ghandi, and thomas edison.
eddie:wait, dude what are you doing? - what?- tim: now? you're gonna doall of this now? you know we've beenthrough this before. thomas edisonis a little bitch. - what?- eddie: dude, - he hates thomas edison.- how is that possible? thomas edison is the fatherof modern science. no. he is the fatherof modern lies.
everybody knows that all he did was to take creditfor tesla's work. if tesla was better, historywould've proven it by now. - shut up.- tim: oh, my god, stop. they must have a reallycomplicated relationship. eddie: okay, dude. we need to fix this. just tell him, tell him i love him.
i love you, dad. eddie: i'm sorry that we ever fought. i'm sorry we fought. and i don't blame youfor mom leaving. charlie: and i don't blame you for mom leaving. eddie: you were the best dad i could ever hope for and i'm sorry i took thatfor granted. charlie: you're the best dad i could ever hope for and i took you for granted.
i love you, eddie. i love you too, dad. and also, i didn't die by masturbating. i got my tie stuckin the door. tell him before he's gone, please. charlie: he's already leaving, i can't. eddie:oh, my god. you're such a dick. he's already gone. eddie:i didn't die like that.
okay, dad? i masturbate just fine. charlie:hey. eddie:hey. so, thanks for that. is he off the list? yup, now all what's left is-- - jessica!- eddie: yeah, i know. i can read. what are you doing here?
just say you broughtthe box with her stuff in it. i brought the boxwith her stuff in it. i mean, i brought the stuffwith the box in it. i mean, i broughtthe stuff with your box. i mean, i have--i have a box-- dude, justgive her the box. (makes noise) so, how'd you knowi'd be here? oh, here,
i saw the funeralin the paper. so, yeah. sorry about your loss. that really helped. hi, i'm sam. hi, i'm charlie. great suit,by the way. i love how you're notafraid to show ankle skin. - told you.- you're so fashion forward.
thanks.yeah, i love fashion. yeah, there's so muchfashion around, isn't it? charlie:yeah. people usedto call me, mr. fashion all the time. it's like mr. fashion,what's up? nobody evercalled you that. is that eddie's suit? it was-- it washanging up in the closet and i don't have,
you know, a suit so-- hey, i know it must'vebeen really weird to walk into eddie's place and just see me therewith all of his stuff. yeah, it was--it was really strange. hey, i got to behonest for a second. i moved into the placebecause it was like incredibly cheapand i just lost my job like six months agoand i was basically...
living out of my car, so... is that why you haveall those bottles of pee? eddie: oh, gross. - aw.- that isn't-- - that is not pee.- it looks a lot like pee. - dude, that is totally pee.- sam: but i get it. i mean, it's betterto pee in a bottle than getting arrestedfor indecent exposure and then having to registeras a sex offender.
i hatesex offenders. yeah. i-- no,i-- they suck. now that i think of it, i hate sex offenders too. charlie:no, they're the worst. i don't think anybodylikes sex offenders. that's, like,a universal thing. jessica:i think that'spretty universal, guys. - yeah, that's so horrible.- that's a weird...
- charlie: that's what we were saying. - okay. charlie:that's why we startedsaying all that stuff. this is sucha good conversation. i love this. i just want to nibbleat your nose. what-- you--oh, my god. charlie, you're justa ladies' man. jessica: okay. - we should probably go. right?- yeah.
jessica:but thank youso much for my stuff. sorry about your job. i'm sorry about eddie. sounds likehe was a really good guy. - not really.- hey. - i'm sorry.- no, i mean, he wasn't the best,but neither was i and we could've done a lotof things better, i think. but when things were good.
they were really good. no one could make melaugh like ed. but thanks for my stuff. jessica:and-- oh actually, here you go. eddie's key. so i can't justburst in at all hours. - yeah.- but thanks again.
come on, sam. nice meeting you,charlie. you too. keep those ankles exposed. oh, you know i will. boom. you're dead. i'm dead. well, that hasto be closure if i ever seen it,right?
i sure hope so. okay, dude. she's not over me. we have to get her to fallfor somebody else. both:awwww! today's scene is the most important scene any of us has ever shot in our entire lives.
so places, please. i'm going toneed my dead zombies right here in the foreground by my fresh human victims. and fresh victims, remember, you just were eaten by zombies, so your motivationis hollowness, silence, loudness, blue, indigo, violet, color, no color, fresh caught salmon, naldextrin.
are you sure we can't justget someone else to do this? no, if we're going to havejessica fall for someone, it's got to be you. it can't be somebodythat's more successful or more attractivethan me, you know? i mean, no offense. charlie:no, that still--that's very offensive. you can't just say,"no offense," and decideit doesn't offend me.
yeah, i can.i didn't mean offense. no, that's-- that--that's not how that works. okay, people, stop. are we going to have a problem with fresh human victim, white male number one? sorry? i don't hear your motivation being projected into actuality.
sorry. where's your character from? iowa. that's good. so, we're going again. oh, and finally,i have my dead zombies. let's move it, ladies,we're losing the light which i paint. eddie:all right,here they come.
play it cool. charlie? oh, hey. - oh, sorry.- oh, sorry. - you touched my hand.- i touched your hand. charlie:i know i touched... what are youdoing here? i saw a job listing online and i needed a quick job,
- so...- oh. - awesome.- yeah. what partare you playing? they have meas fresh human victim white male number one. yeah. i feel pretty goodabout that one. and you're-- i mean,you are white and a male. - yeah.- eddie: charlie, please don't dothis to me.
can you just focuson jessica, please? oh, yeah, jessicayou look great. you look-- you looklike my cousin and she's a model. she's really hot. - okay.- eddie: sick. sick pick-up lines, bro. charlie:she's my cousin,she's not hot. she's-- - eddie: god. - -- people say she's hot. i don't sayshe's hot.
- cool.- go on. this is getting better. she models for sears. - smooth.- good for her. like in front of-- she's showingthe refrigerator's... stop. yeah, she's reallyhot-- i mean... - that's cool.- man: hey!
can we stopand at least get back into places, please? pictures up. all right, take 40 and we're going again. this guy'sa weirdo. (zombie sounds) man:i can't believeyou zombies are back. we're going to goon a killing spree again.
we will getto the bottom of this soon. i can feel it. - here.- but first, we should investigatethat shadowy rundown building-- - agreed.- -- with blood all over the door. agreed. we should do that. we should. eddie: hey, so i was thinking about your comic idea
and i gotto be honest. you love it. no. no. no. no. it needs work.a lot of work. come on, man. who doesn't lovea 480-page comic parable about the capitalist system trying to destroythe will of its people? probably everyone.
look, you should just doa comic about us. - us?- yeah, come on. think about it. you have a ghostfor a roommate, right? - yeah.- no other story has that. it's basicallythe best story ever. yeah. great. no, thanks for the idea, but not really my thing.
what are they doing? charlie:hey, what areyou guys doing? sam:we're havinga blinking contest. to see who can have mostblinks in fifteen seconds. we're trying to seta new world record. - what's the record?- fifty. i set it last week. to be fair,i have no real idea if that countis accurate
'cause i can't blinkand count her blinks at the same time. excuse me,are you calling me a liar? no, i'm just saying it's unverifiedat the moment until we can get an outside,non-partial governing body to rule on it. i can countif you guys want. perfect.charlie can count.
- yeah. fine.- i'll help. - great.- jessica: ready? - sam: ready.- jessica: one, two, three. both:go! charlie:wait, am i countingthe seconds - or the blinks?- the blinks. - whose?- both of ours. wait, can you guysstart over? no, we can't start over.it's too late.
oh, okay. okay.time's up. - so who won?- yeah, who won? jessica. - sam.- sam: yes! no! oh, my god,you are such a liar. charlie:no. she was faster. i totally won.i totally won.
yay! hey, charlie, can you takea picture of us to commemoratethis momentous victory? sure. mind if i squeeze in? whatever. - charlie: on your hair.- jessica: ready? say brains. - brains.- brains.
ah. i didn't knowzombies had phones. cut! is that guy ever nota douche bag? man: coffee. pick it up. - jessica: it's amazing.- charlie: why's your tongue out? jessica:i don't know.i'm being scary. sam:(indistinct)new born baby. i can't believe you guysget to do that for a living.
yeah, you shouldcome back sometime. anyways,we're this way so... cool.i'm over here. - jessica: cool.- so, yeah. sam:do you think you couldsend us that picture with your phone? get jessica's number. jessica, do you thinki could get your number? - sure.- charlie: yeah.
make a little more--a little more of a connection 'cause we havethis deal, man. yeah. it was greathanging out with you. you're really,really funny. thanks, charlie. - okay.- all right. see you guys. - bye.- bye, sam. you should totallyask him out.
- i don't know.- jessica: yeah. ask her tohang out tomorrow. i don't know.this whole thing is weird. no, no, no, trust me.this will work. jessica:come on. that'd bereally good for you. i can't. fine. - hey, do you wanna...- hang out tomorrow? yeah, great!what do you have in mind?
tell herit's a surprise. it's a surprise. i'll just text you. okay. cool. - we'll see you then.- all right. yeah, catch youon the side-- yeah, the flip side. - see.- dude, that was perfect. - you were great.- that was weird.
now that she accepteda date with you, she's got to be over me. we are good to go. let's do this, t-pain. take me home. oh, dude,i can feel it already. oh, it feels great. nothing's happening. why are you doingthis to me, t-pain?
huh? what do i need to do? is it likea stupid movie fairy tale where she hasto kiss someone else to get over me? oh, come on. you know what, t-pain? you're making this realdifficult on me, okay? i'm not buying anymoreof your music.
woman:(singing in foreign language) so, are you sure i shouldn't haveworn socks? no, you heard sam, chicks dig ankle skin. yeah, i thinkshe was being sarcastic. she's pretty coolthough, right? - sam?- yeah. i don't know. i meanshe's friends with jessica
so i guess she's coolby association. so, do you know if she has, like, a boyfriendor something? oh, you like sam? oh no, this is perfect. yeah, once you kiss her grieving best friend, you should totally ask her out. oh, speakingof which.
- hey.- hey. - sam: hey. - you guys made it. yeah,this is awesome. sam, you look pretty. dude, jessica. jessica,you look good. your hair looks good. oh, thanks. you have a lot of hair.
you look-- it's,like, really healthy. - that's the best you got?- like, you're a-- you're a healthy girl. - thank you.- you're terrible at this. - you're really terrible at this.- jessica: anyways, this placeis amazing. actually, eddiealways wanted to come to oneof these. yeah, i know this dj
and he hooks me upwith cool stuff like this, so... he's actually djingright now. - oh.- charlie: yeah. - cool, huh? - jessica: yeah, djs are always cool. man: if i can have your attention. this evening's performanceof the the notebook live, bollywood style begins now.
man:♪ i'm poor and unworthy ♪ ♪ you can tell by my scruffy beard ♪ woman:♪ you're exactly everything ♪ ♪ that my rich parents ever feared ♪ man:♪ you will fly with me ♪ ♪ through the raindrops ♪ woman:♪ and i'll write on you ♪ ♪ with words ♪ man:♪ for i am your notebook ♪
woman:♪ and i am a bird ♪ (crowd applause) (cheers and applause) i think i'm just goingto sit this next one out. i'll be right back. why aren't you out theredancing with us, man? we're havinga great time. i'm good,right here. are you okay?
yeah-- i-- yeah-- - it's--- what's wrong? i didn't really thinkabout all this stuff until just now,you know. - what stuff?- eddie: if you kiss her and this works, then i'm offto heaven tonight. isn't thatwhat you want? what i want right now
is to dance with her. - charlie: i'm sorry, man. - eddie: you know i wish that i would have had some kind of near-death experience before. maybe i would have taken lifea little more seriously. well, if it makes you feelany better, i-- when i was twelve, i choked on a corn dogand almost died. i was, like, pretty much deadfor full two minutes
and i still takeeverything for granted. how do you chokeon a corn dog? i was trying to see how fari could fit the corn dog - in my throat, so--- why would a 12-year-old boy need to try that? i just wanted to seeif i could fit the full corn dog in my throat and wrap my lipsaround the stick. did you? no, i got three inches in.
what was stopping youfrom going the whole way? do you not understandwhat i'm saying? - just three inches?- no, corn dogs are huge. i mean, this corn dog was,like, six inches long. isn't that a standardcorn dog size? no, it was gigantic. maybe you should have startedwith a small corn dog and thenworked your way up. can we just stop talkingabout this corn dog?
jesus, i was tryingto give you an example. okay. i just thinkit's a little weird, you know? - it's not weird.- either way, i'm sure heaven'sgoing to be great. hey, if this whole thingdoesn't work out and you needsomewhere to stay, you're more thanwelcome to stay at the apartmentwith me. i mean, there's plentyof space and i'm sure
we could learnto get along, right? yeah.thanks, charlie. but-- no really though,thanks. that means a lot. but don't ever go insidemy body again, okay? promise me, you'll neverdo that again. - why?- charlie: when you left my body, i almost lost control - of my bowels. - eddie: oh.
charlie: yeah, it was really bad. eddie:well, i'm sorry i did that. i promise. thanks, man. - sam: hey.- hey. they stopped mefrom taking a coconut, - but--- yeah? -- here's a differentsouvenir. aw, thank you.
i have to pee. - alright. - sam: hey, sorry. i laugh when i getuncomfortable. - down.- okay. i got to pee. that's-- okay. - yeah.- okay, here we go. ask her to dance. - no.- no? i'm sorry, you don't havea choice.
- jessica...- hi. do you wantto dance with me? - yeah, sure.- yeah, great. okay. - all right.- jessica: yeah. yay. okay. no. this is fun. yeah, thanksfor inviting us. - yeah, yeah.- charlie, what are you doing?
this is not romantic. you're dancinglike a middle-schooler. you're not even looking at her in the eyes. how are you supposed to kiss herif you're not looking at her in the eyes?so you're just going to keep dancing like that? - merry-go-round.- eddie: dude, can you please-- - like seriously-- - yeah. - oh.- -- just bring some t-pain into this, you know.
bring some sexy. thanks for doing this. it's great. i really haven'tleft the house much. it's nice to dosomething fun. eddie:dude, can you please just do this? i-- trust me, i don't want this, you don't want this,
so, please, just do it. - no.- what? did you-- - did you say something?- eddie: come on, man. nothing. not you. eddie: dude, this is killing me all over again. will you, please? - no.- sorry, that's my work ring. i don't know why.
oh my god,we have to go back to set. this is ridiculous,i'm so sorry. oh yeah, no.no problem. - jessica: we had such a good time though.- no, no, no, this is not okay, dude. it's now or never. you got to do it. - shall we do it again sometime?- sounds good. - jessica: when we don't have to work. - fine. charlie:yeah. yeah, yeah.
jessica: yeah. (disgruntled grunts) kiss her. charlie, what the--what the hell are you doing? - stop.- okay. kiss. you promisedyou'd never do that again. who are you talking to? you were never goingto do that on your own. i'm goingto tell her.
- i'm going to tell her.- tell me what? tell me what?what are you talking about? no, no. - eddie's a ghost.- what? eddie's inside me.he's inside me. i don't know - what's happening.- charlie? you're a good dancer. eddie's a ghost and--
charlie'sa compulsive liar. he likes to put corn dogsin his throat. i did bad. you ruined it, man. eddie is a ghostthat only i can see and he needs me to kiss you so he can finishhis unfinished business here on earthand go to heaven. - what?- i'm serious,
you have to listen to me. you're insane. i-- don't contact me,ever again. wait. sam, sam wait. bye, charlie. sam. i told you not to tell them. hey. don't talk to me. - we need to catch--- don't--
what? okay, charlie. charlie:you promised you'd neverdo that again. you have no idea what that feels likeon your body. you made me shartin front of sam and i had just eatena roast beef sandwich. i'm sorry, but how elsewas i supposed to get to heaven? oh, my god.eddie, ever since i met you,
it's been all about you. that's not true,i let you wear my suit. yeah, because you saidmy shirt sucked and i lookedlike an idiot. you did. i look like an idiot. okay, what about the list? i don't careabout your stupid list. i hope you're stuck herein purgatory forever.
you don't deserveto go to heaven. okay, you know what? your cartoon sucks. okay? you probablydeserved to be fired. i wasn't fired. i quit. they wanted to changemy opossum into a raccoon cause they thoughtit would be more funny. that was it?
that was the--that was the one thing? charlie:yeah.over lord oppressed opossum isn't just about being funny, it's about dealingwith real serious issues. why can't a raccoon dealwith serious issues? - no, raccoons suck.- they're both marsupials. oh my god,do you not understand my concept at all? capitalism has nothing to do
with raccoons,it's all about opossums. well if you think about it,because a raccoon's eyes they kind of represent robbers, that would be moreof a classification of like capitalist's system than socialism becausethey're robbing from people, - you know.- no, you clearly know nothing about marsupials,you don't have-- you don't knowhow they represent
each factorof the government. - yeah, i don't get it.- charlie: so i left. just like i'm doing now. okay, yeah sure.leave. i can do it myself, okay? charlie, wait. wait, wait, wait, wait.no, no, no dude, - you can't leave.- please leave me alone. okay, you're right.
i'm a horrible person. i get that now. i spent $10,000of your own money on a stupid concert ticket and i might have downloaded a lot of really strange pornon your tablet and it's probably really, reallyfull of bugs right now. - great, move.- and asking you to kiss jessica was obviously the worst idea ever
because i'm still in love with her. eddie: she's not off the list 'cause she couldn't let me go. i think it'sthe other way around. i'm not over her. now i screwed that up and there's no wayi could fix it and if that's the case, i can't lose you, too. you're my best friend.
really? well, i thinkthere is something i should admit, too. i think you'remy only friend. oh, i mean yeah,obviously. i mean the only other guyi ever saw you with was that weirddeath metal guy so... okay, come on.
what?where are you going? i got a planor something. - come on.- a plan or something? yeah, that sounds like a--that sounds great. charlie:it's a good one.it's a good plan. eddie:do you want meto bring the broom? charlie:yeah-- no.throw it on the ground. yeah, we don'tneed that. man:i can't believethat these zombies are back
and on a killing spreeagain. we will get to the bottomof this soon. here?here. man: cut! brilliant! excellent!great job, guys! you know,i just want to commend you. this has beena marvelous experience. you guys just held together. we came into this scene,we knew it could have been easy,
but it wasn't. and we had just persevered, we stuck togetherlike a real team, and we survivedthe lawsuits and the debts, and i wouldgo to war with each and every one of you guys. just so proud my heart is likeabout to explode. so we're goingto do this three more times.
and this time, i need a more subtle touching of the heart and a impending dread with a little bit of joy. you think thisthing's loaded? okay.let's take ten. let's take twenty. i'll be in my trailer,meditating. you know, this isn'tgoing to work.
she thinksyou're crazy. jessica: were you actually just asleep? sam:i've been practicinglowering my heart rate, so i could look dead. - okay.- yeah, my mom found me passed outbehind the toilet. okay well,sam, don't die. don't talk to me.oh my god. sam:get out of here, dude.
i know,i know, i know-- i know you thinki'm crazy but i have a messagefrom eddie - that you need to hear.- okay, stop. just stop.all right? he's dead. he's notsome ghost that talks to you. you're out of your mind.you're nuts. - charlie: okay, okay.- just tell her. then how would i knowthat he and his dad
stopped talkingbecause his mom left and started a new family? you're a weirdo stalkerwho probably knows a lot of weird thingsabout him. okay, okay, okay.then, how would i know that he only worethat stupid bacon tie because it wasa family tradition and he wanted to feelcloser to his dad? they were both wearing themat the funeral, all right?
- come on- charlie: okay, no, no, no you're right, you're right. but, how would i know that when he asked youto move in with him, you turned him down not because you didn't want to, but, because he said soon. i don't knowwhat's going on here. you really need to leave. sam:come, on.have some respect, charlie.
you're making herreally upset. he's dead.okay, he's dead. just leave me alone. wait?no, that's it? yes,she doesn't believe me. oh my god, she's being sucha penultimate dick right now. that's nothow you use penultimate. wait,what did you say? he wants meto tell you
you're being a penultimatedick right now. it's impossible. no one else misusesthe word penultimate time and time againdespite being corrected. is he-- is he really here? she believes you. he's right here. do you wantto tell her something?
tell her,i'm sorry for not realizinghow great our love was when we had it. he says,he's sorry for not realizinghow good your love was when you had it. i thought i was rightall the time even though, i was most of the time.
he's sorryhe thought he was rightall the time even thoughhe really never was. it means a lot. and i'm sorrythat i let you eat that gas station burritoin fresno and laughed at you when you crapped your pants. he's sorry he let you eatthat gas station burrito
in fresnoand laughed at you that was actuallyreally funny. what is going on? but most importantly... he's walking toward you. yeah. i'm sorry never told you,i love you because it's alli ever thought about every timei ever saw you.
charlie: and most importantly, he wants me to tell you he's sorry he never told you he loved you. i love you, jessica. i love you, ed. whoa! eddie, what's good buddy? - t-pain.- what's the deal man? it's your time.you ready to roll? hell yeah,t-pain.
sorry we ruined your party,t-pain. aw, it's all good, man.i wasn't worried about that. just keep doing you, buddy. eddie: all right, beam me up t-pain. thanks for everything,charlie. you really aremy best friend. i will never forgive youfor maxing out my credit card. eddie: oh, yeah about that, i put twenty grandin a duffle bag
under your bed. yeah, but don't ever spend it, it's super traceable. - what?- eddie: all right. let's go, t-pain. oh yeah, and say goodbyeto jess for me. man, go aheadand tell her yourself. boop. - eddie?- eddie: hey, jessica. i'm going to heaven.
is that t-pain? aw, what's upbeautiful baby? - hi, t-pain.- t-pain: yeah, it's your boy. now, let me tell yasomething though, eddie, i don't knowhow you got a girl that fine. - no idea.- t-pain: but, kudos, homie. eddie: bye, jess. i'll always love you. love you too, ed.
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. but, feel freeto see other people 'cause i guess,it would be kind of weird if you just gave up dating all together but don't tell me right now though 'cause i'll probablyjust get super jealous then i'll just wantto haunt you for the rest of your life, so... okay. yeah,i wasn't planning on it.
and also, don't date charlie that'd be like super weird. plus, i hearhe pees in bottles. that wasn't pee. sam:who are you talking to? t-pain and eddie, there's a portal. it's a lotgoing on right now. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
one last important thing. what?what is it? i did not dieby autoerotic asphyxiation. i choked on my tie. than whywere your pants down? and why were you watchingthe skin channel? okay. it's justvery complicated, i got to go. so, not a pervert okay? love you, guys. bye.
- bye.- bye. woo! - heaven! - bye, eddie. alright, yeah! ah. so-- uh... i'm going to go-- - yeah.- -- think about this-- -- for like a year.
i guess,i'll just go home then. bye. bye. wait. so, eddiewas really a ghost? how come you werethe only one who could see him? well,
where are allthe other ghosts? i have no answersto any of this but maybewe can discuss over coffee? - okay.- yeah? charlie:do you think i should addlike a blue glow around themto really sell it? - yes.- all right, cool. it would make thema little translucent.
that's whathe looks like, right? wait, you never--you never saw what he looked like,huh? - no.- oh. - well, not his ghost form.- right. everyone thinks that ghoststhey're going to be like translucentor whatever, but, you know,they just look like - a normal person.- uh-hmm.
well, make him translucent in this. yeah,i think i will. - how's that?- sam: that looks really good. - good?- yeah, i like it a lot. it's like-- stop. jesus christ. - what?- hey, buddy. eddie,what are you doing here? got a job.i'm your guardian angel.
- cool.- eddie's here? eddie:yeah. apparently, you're highly likelyto die this year so, i'm here to help you out. i'm just kidding.or am i? sam:oh, hey, eddie i was thinking. so, why don't you justcover yourself with a sheet and theneveryone could see you? it seems like it would'vemade things a lot easier.
- goddamn it- goddamn it