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Title : standard furniture measurements metric
standard furniture measurements metric
[♪♪♪] [kids shouting playfully] woman: a girl will never forget the first boy she likes. even if things don't quite work out. why did you do that? because you smelllike dog poo. you're so stupid,just like dog poo. you're made out of poo.
but usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom. made... ...of... ...dog... ...poo. honey, do you know why thatlittle boy did those things and said those things? it's becausehe likes you.
and there it is. that's the beginning of our problem. that little boy is doingthose terrible things because he's gota crush on you. do you know what this means? we're all encouraged, no, programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk that means he likes you.
[sobbing] here's the problem:he likes you too much. you're too prettyand too awesome. yeah.he can't handle it. he can't handle it. that phi delt soobviously liked you. i'm sure he justlost your number. [chuckles] he's not asking you out
because he's intimidatedby your professional success. [speaking foreign dialect] trust me. it's becausehe's just getting out of a serious relationship. trust me. it's because he's never hada serious relationship. [goats bleating] why do we say this stuff to each other? is it possible that it's because we're too scared
and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth that's staring everyone in the face? [rock music playingover speakers] [indistinct chattering] so janine says you'rea real-estate agent. yeah, but don't worry, i'mnot one of those cheesy ones that puts my headshots on busbenches and grocery carts. ah, so just, like,frisbees and notepads? basically.[laughs]
[laughs] it's much classier.my thoughts exactly. my thoughts exactly. [laughing] wonder why janine never thoughtto introduce us before. i don't know.i don't know. hey, guys.want another round? you want one more? only if you do. i mean, if youneed to get going, i totally...
uh, okay, well, uh... sure, okay. one more, right.ketel and soda? and a beer, please. waitress:be right back. well, conor, i hada really nice time. it was really nicemeeting you. mwah. bye.see you.
see you. [cell phone beeps] hey, it's me. he's cuteand i think it went well. and i think he might be leaving me a messageat home as we speak. just wanted to let you knowi was thinking about you. oh, that's very sweet of you,conor. thanks. listen, i was wondering if you wanted
to grab a late bite. oh, um, tonight? i... no, i was supposed to meetfriends but i'm-- i'm really burnt out.don't be mad at me. no, of course, i'm not mad. well, i'll be up for a while. do you wanna goahead of me? oh, can you hold on? okay.
okay. um, no, that's fine.you just have one thing, so... no, actually--uh, technically i have six and i'm, uh, mullingover a gum purchase, so i thinkyou should go. okay. um, let me call youright back. all right. okay. hi.hey.
hey. just that and that, please. thank you. [receipt printing] oh, my word. seriously?that's not possible. i-- i just deposited cash,like, three days ago, so it's just not possible-- no, it's not that.let me check something.
congratulations, you won. what? our funky fall promotion. you're our 1000th customerthis month. oh. are--?are you kidding me? i don't do kidding. oh, my god.i can't believe this. it's so exciting.
oh, my god. i neverwon anything before. this is the most exciting thingthat ever happened to me. is--? i mean--is that sad? yea-- no.i-- i don't think so. really?yes. yes. ooh! thank you! come here. oh.mm! mm!
well. [announcer speaking indistinctlyover tv] announcer [on tv]: --as the terps move to mid-ice... hey.man: hey. man: hey. how was the date?ah, it was fine. whatever. ah, it was fine. whatever. why are you here?my cable's out. my cable's out.
come on, spiewak,it's not the ice capades. you didn't hear the phone ringby any chance, did you? uh, no, i didn't.shit. shit. you know,anna gave me the old, "i'll call you right back." oh, shit, yeah?well, how long ago? that was 22 minutes ago. do i call back?
should you call back?no, absolutely not. i know, i'm gonna call backand say i'm going to bed. what? no-- it's 9:30.you're gonna--? no, it's a great idea.i'll call and say, "in case you weregonna call me back, don't, because i'll be sleeping."it's a genius idea. man:okay, no, that's brilliant. when you wake upyou can say, "i'm awake now, i'mavailable to take your call."
[cell phone ringing]oh, gosh. a second. oh, gosh. a second. um, sorry about that.man: it's all right. man: it's all right. i was-- wait, what wasi saying again? you don't wanna be like yourmother and wake up one morning and realize you neverpursued your dreams. oh, is that what i was saying?mm-hm.
mm-hm. you want some gum?no, thank you. no, thank you. god, that's kind of heavyfor a grocery chat. no, that's okay.isn't it? isn't it? [chuckles]sorry. sorry. you know, i actuallymight be able to help.
yeah, i knowa guy at my office who deals exclusivelywith music clients. are you kidding?mm-mm. mm-mm. oh, my god. what are you, like,my savior or something? [laughing]no. can you hold this for a second?yeah. yeah.
oh, this is so unexpected. [pen scratching] okay, um... i don't... i'm-- i'm married. i don't do this. you don't--you don't do what? you don't helpstruggling singers? not hot yoga-instructingsingers
who areincredibly charming. mm. well, you could--you could give me your card. that's legit, right?that's-- is that allowed? i could do that. yeah.that'd be okay, right? that'd be okay, right? yeah.okay. ah, great,thank you so much.
of course. do you needhelp to your car? oh, no, no.where'd you park? where'd you park? no, i'm fine. it's okay.oh, okay. oh, okay. it was very nice to meet you. it was very nice to meet you.yeah. [my morning jacket's"i'm amazed" playing over radio] [grunts]
who was that? oh, that was a, uh,prospective client. oh.mm-hm. i can talk to a woman,you know. it doesn't have to be like that.no. absolutely not. no. absolutely not. just drive. just drive.relax. relax.
[engine starts] [man speakingindistinctly on tv] hi. how you doing? good.yeah? yeah? yeah.i just got off the phone. yeah?yeah, with my little sister. yeah, with my little sister.
how's she doing?she's getting married. she's getting married. really? woman:yeah. great. you really thinkthat's great? devon seems like a... great guy. [pouring water]
well, so you don't-- so you think it's greatthat they're getting married but you don't ever feel likewe're going against nature or something bynot getting married? no. going against nature is like the catwho suckled that monkey. [scoffs] you and i are just two people
who happen not to be married. let me tell you something. people who get marriedare not to be trusted. you are so weird. they're not.you know why? because if you are solegitimately happy, honestly, you wouldn't feel the needto make a big show out of it. you know? you wouldn'thave to broadcast it. they do it becausethey're insecure
and because they thinkgetting married is what they're supposedto be doing now. and so, you know, they're lyingto themselves and other people. seriously. think about your--you and your friends. uh-huh.okay? okay? these women you havegreat relationships with, you're close to them,
some of them you'veknown for years, right? but you don't feel the need to go down and write a $45 checkto the state of maryland for a friendship certificate. yeah. no, i get that.right? right? why should it beany different, you know, with--with me and you? we're very happy, i love you,i'm committed to you,
we have a great life,you know? yes, you're right. why can't we justbe happy? you're right. i'm gonna get yousome more tea. [kids shouting indistinctly] voice recording: please enter your pass-- [dials] you have no messages. you have no messages.
main menu. to send a message-- [groans][beeps off] [beeps off] okay, so clearlyhe hasn't called. maybe he's awayon business. he sells real estatein baltimore. staying in townis his business. right. well, look,let me tell you.
after i went out with benfor the first time, he didn't call mefor 11 days. eleven days. and now he's,like, the world's best husband. and that happensall the time. really?really. really. you want coffee? you want coffee?mm-hm. i got you 2 percent.thanks.
thanks. this is all your fault. [phone beeping]what? why? what? why? you set us up. no. you asked meif i know any guys, and i gave conoryour phone number. that's not a setup. when i do a setup,i weigh the pros and cons.
i do my due diligence. all i know about conoris that he sold us this house. [phone beeping] [phone beeping]seriously, stop. seriously, stop. [phone snaps closed] he said he alwayshangs out after work at the city supper club. maybe i should doa little drive-by?
please don't. he'll call. woman: okay, i have a question: why'd they eveninvent caller id? it's, like, who isthis service helping? i mean, for centuries... okay, wellmaybe not centuries, but for, like,a lot and lot of years people have been answering theirphone and not knowing who it is
and as far as i can tell,no one's died from that. and it's like if the policewanna know who placed a call, uh, they could trace it. i mean, what am i,the police? this constant obsession with needing to knowwho's calling all the time. it's, like, so gross. like, you pick upthe phone, you-- you find out who it is,then you know.
it's, like... look, all i'm saying, if a guy doesn't call me, i would liketo reserve the right to call him at 15-minuteintervals until he picks up. but, you know, if he looksdown and sees my numbers, he's gonna think i'm somekind of psycho or something. which i'm not. obviously.
[shower running] ringtone: ♪ don't you want me, baby? ♪ hello? mom. i-- i gotta call you back. instructor:inhale. upward-facing dog. look up towards the ceiling. look uptowards the ceiling. gigi:he ordered more drinks for uswhen the waitress came.
he remembered exactlywhat i wanted. he initiated the hug.he said it was nice meeting me-- so wait. this wasat the end of the date or the beginningof the date? end. why,does it matter? well, yeah."nice meeting you" at the beginning of the date,that's normal. "nice meeting you"at the end of the date... it could be a blowoff.
maybe it wasat the beginning. okay. that's fine.he's gonna call. or maybe it wasat the end. or maybe it wasjust nice to meet me. help. hi. um,this is torture. i do-- how am isupposed to come up with something pithyand dynamic to say aboutcinnamon blends?
it's hardto focus on nutmeg when the guy who might or mightnot be the guy of my dreams refuses to call me. after my first date with neil, i called him. there are no rules anymore. and, i mean, why should youhave to wait for him to get off his ass? [phone line ringing]
[phone line ringing] it's ringing. it's ringing. that's pretty standard. conor: you've reached conor.yes, voicemail. yes, voicemail. leave a message, i'll get back to you. notes.[clears throat] [clears throat] thank you. [answering machine beeps]
[answering machine beeps] "hey, conor,it's gigi. "i just thoughti hadn't heard from you "and, i mean,how stupid is it that a gal has got to wait fora guy's call anyway, right?" [mouthing] what does that say? what's that say? because we'reall equal, right? um, more than equal. uh, more women are acceptedinto law school now than men.
uh, and, i mean, i don't knowif you saw that dateline, but women practically havepenises now, right? so... call me. oh, this is gigi.call me. [hangs up] don't worry,he's totally gonna call. [sighs] how can therenot be a dial tone? no dial tone.come here, dial tone.
woman [over phone]: gigi, are you there? hello, gigi? mom, is that you? yes. yes. i can't talk now,i'll call you back. wait, i need you to-- [dial tone buzzes] [phone line rings] janine's voice: hi, it's janine.
leave a message. [answering machine beeps] hi, janine, it's me.conor never called, so i'm onthe precipice of staging a casual run-inat the city supper club. pick upif you wanna stop me. all right, i'minterpreting your silence as tacit compliance. bye. [r.e.m.'s "supernaturalsuperserious" playing] ♪ everybody here ♪
man: what's up, girl?hey. how are you?good. good. ♪ that they would just as soon forget ♪ [knocks] knock, knock. so. here we are. same shift again.
ah. i know. i make the schedule.remember? well, i figuredit was no coincidence. ♪ and away from this place and shared humiliation ♪ i had... a good timethe other night. it's amazing where 10 shotsof patrã³n will get you. ♪ and nobody cares ♪ so i was thinking
after work we could... you know... look, kelli ann, what happened between usthe other night was fun. it was definitely fun. but, uh, we're wayunderstaffed tonight. i even haveto man the bar. so that's why i scheduled you. to work.
so... are we good? nope, we're good. nope, we're good.okay. hey, oh, kelli ann. hey, babe, could youget the door? thanks. here you go. here you go.thanks. [amille's "little thing you do"playing over speakers]
hi. are you joining usfor dinner, or--? i'm meeting someone.a guy. why?hm? hm? hm? nothing. sorry.for dinner? i'm gonna waitat the bar. that's a great idea. ♪ fall totally in love ♪ ♪ with you ♪
plan it, hey, gotcha. oh, whatcan i get you? oh, no,i'm meeting someone. oh, yeah? what,you got a hot date? uh, i don't know ifyou'd call it "hot." uh, i mean, this guy conor and ihave only been out one time-- wait, wait, wait.conor barry? conor's not coming in tonight.thanks a lot. did he, uh, forget he wassupposed to meet you here?
oh-- oh, see, when i said"meeting someone," i-- i guess it was kindof a broad term. kind of a wide interpretationof the word "meeting." right. uh, you know what?i'll call him. oh, no! oh, i mean, just total--totally unnecessary. [laughs]okay. i was actually just-- i just was actuallyin the area and so i just figured i'd swingby and see if he was around.
because i hadto return his, um, pen. i had to return this pen.he left this. and, uh, i just thought i shouldreally return it before he, you know, freaks out. yeah. okay,i'll get it to him. "wilson ward, dds, adult,child and geriatric dentistry." look, i'm not gonna judge what may or may notbe important to someone. yeah. that-- not evenhis dentist, though.
oh, really. oh, who is? my dad. i'm gigi. i went outwith conor last week. and i just... i thought if i justran into him... i don't know.i'm gonna go. wait. uh-- uh, wait, just-- hang out for a second.let me buy you a drink.
one drink. okay? give me, uh-- give me two seconds,i'll be right back. look, you seemlike a cool girl, so i'm just gonnabe honest with you. conor's never gonna call you. oh, really.how do you know? because i'm a guy,and it's just how we do it. he said it wasnice meeting me.
i don't care if he saidyou were his favorite female since his mommyand joanie cunningham. over a week went by, okay, gigi?and he didn't call you. but maybe he did call andi didn't get the message. or maybehe lost my number or he's out of town or got hitby a cab or his grandma died. or he didn't call because he hasno interest in seeing you again. yeah.but my friend terri once went out witha guy who never called.
she totally wrote him off. over a year goes by...right. ...and she ran into himand it ended up-- your friend terri's an idiotand she's also the exception, by the way.the rare exception. okay. okay. but whatif i'm the exception? no, you're not. you're not atall. in fact, you're the rule. and the rule is this: if a guy doesn't call you,he doesn't wanna call you.
really?yeah. always?yeah, always. yeah, always. look, i know what blowing offa woman looks like, okay? i do it early,i do it often. so trust me when i say if a guy is treating youlike he doesn't give a shit, he genuinelydoesn't give a shit. no exceptions.
given me a lotto think about. morning, morning. morning, morning.excuse me. excuse me. hi.hi. everything okay? oh, i was up all night. please say you wereworking on the nutmeg copy. sure. it's done,basically done.
uh, i have to tell yousomething important. sweetie? what's going onwith your hair? yeah, come herebefore people see you have a mini muffinin your hair. [chuckles]oh. okay. um... thank you. i thinki figured it out. remember when i went outwith that notary public and he cheated on me?
and then anastasia fromupstairs told me her boyfriend cheated on herat the beginning but then he totally changed and now they're marriedand crazy in love? i thought that guywas a process server. no, notary. anyway, uh, my point is, anastasia'sthe exception, not the rule. and we have to stoplistening to these stories. because the rule is thatmost guys who cheat on you
don't care about you much. okay.okay, so, um, exhibit a: okay, so, um, exhibit a: chad, the drummer who livedin a storage space. he only used me for rides, and yet i continued to stalkhim for most of 1998. and then, um...oh, there was don, who broke up with meevery friday so that he could havehis weekends free and--
i was delusionalabout that relationship. i used to refer to him as myhusband to my dental hygienist. and anyways, all of my friendsused to tell me these stories about how things might work outwith these dipshits, because they knew someonewho knew someone who dated a dipshit like mine and that girl ended upgetting married. but that's the exception,and we're the rule. okay, let me-- let mejust see if-- if i understand.
so, what you're saying is if i hear a storyabout a girl who's been with a guyfor 13 years and he finally married her,that's the exception. but the rule areguys like neil, who are with girls like me for seven yearsand aren't married, they're never getting married. no.no.
no, no, no. no, no, no.no. it's notwhat she meant in that-- no, it's got nothingto do with you. i absolutely wasnot talking about you. these are specificrelationship situations. i was talking aboutmyself specifically. just me specifically,you know? uh-huh. ♪ madly, madly, madly ♪
♪ tell that you need me ♪ this guy is, like, impossiblenot to like, you know? he's flirting with mepretty heavily outside of the handy mart...mm-hm. ...and, you know, everythingjust kind of lines up. it's really magical. and then he tells methat he's married. oh, which, of course, i shouldbe pissed about, right? but i just-- i can't stopthinking about him.
but he's married. i know, i realize that. i don't knowwhat's wrong with me. what's wrong with me? i know this guy, he works inmy dad's printing business. and he was married for15 years to a nice lady. and one night he meets thiswoman at some church event. and he tells my dad that he's never feltanything like it before.
that he had finally met the one. so he divorced his wife and he's been with this otherwoman for 22 years and they're insanely happy. i mean, what if you meetthe love of your life but you already marriedsomeone else? are you supposed tolet them pass you by? you're right. okay. i'm gonna call him.
[dialing] ben [over phone]: hello? ben [over phone]: hello? hey, ben. hey, ben. this is anna marks. hey, anna. uh, what's up? nothing,i was just, um-- i was taking youup on your offer. i know you said you had, um,a couple of contacts
you thought could help me. and, um, i thought maybewe could talk about it over coffeeor something like that. um... look, i just, um... i can't, anna. um... you seemed great. i just-- i don't know. i-- i should probably go. uh, take care, though. bye.
[hangs up] hey.hey. i'm psyched you called.cool. cool. kind of given up on youwhen you didn't call me back. oh, no, i was justthinking about you. want a glass of wine?sure. sure. okay, what werethe categories again?
four categories: smart, sexy,funny and cute. but you can onlybe two things. like sarah jessica parkerwould be funny and sexy. like, bill clinton would besmart and sexy. i can't believeyou're hot for clinton. go. what am i? all right, wait.what was i again? you're smart and cute.
okay, you are sexy,very sexy. and cute. no, you can't-- sexy and cute are bothin the looks column. nobody wants to beall in one column. well, i sound like a jackassif i say you're all four, which obviously you are. especially sexy. [moaning]
you're the best. i better go. okay, uh, well, you know youcould stay here if you want. what? it's been a while. no, i can't. i can't stay, i'm totally-- i'm totally, totally fried. is that okay? i'll see you later.
bye. [door closes] [hammer banging] neil:hey. that lookstraight to you? why are youhanging that? um, because you asked me toabout three weeks ago. i'm gettingaround to it. why? you don't--you don't want it here?
no, i love it there.but just stop. why? is it the painting? you know, i know,it looks like this... it looks kind of likea deflated boob here. right? i know.it's gonna be depressing. should i take it down? no, i want you to stopdoing anything nice. this feels like a trick. no.no?
no? no, i just-- i just need youto stop being nice to me unless you're gonnamarry me after. uh...is that funny? is that funny? do you think that's funny? nope, i guessit's not funny. see, you can't keepbeing nice to me and i can't keeppretending
that this is somethingthat it's not. we've been togetherfor over seven years. you know me.you know who i am. you either wannamarry me or you don't. or... there's the possibility that i mean it when i sayi don't believe in marriage-- bullshit! bullshit! come on, it's bullshitfor every woman
that has been toldby some man that he doesn'tbelieve in marriage and then six months later,he's married to some 24-year-oldthat he met at a gym. it's just--it's bullshit! where is thiscoming from? it's coming from the place that i've been hiding fromyou for about five years. okay.about five years,
about five years, because i haven't wantedto seem demanding. and i haven't wantedto seem clingy or psycho. or whatever, i-- so i haven't asked you. but i-- but i... i have to. i mean... are you--?are you ever gonna marry me?
[whispering]oh, i can't do this anymore. woman: i used to think that i had never been dumped. yeah, then we startedcomparing notes and then we realized:"wait a second. we've both been dumped by everyman we've ever been with." every one.yeah. but they-- they do it so--so skillfully. mm-hm.they just so sneaky...
they just so sneaky... yeah....that you think ...that you think it was your idea.yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. you know, you're sitting backand you're like: "oh, oh, oh, yeah. this my idea.but wait a second, why am i alone?""why am i unhappy? "why am i unhappy?
why have i gained 20 pounds?"mm-hm. they jedi mind-trick you.yes, they do. yes, they do. do you know what i'm saying?yeah. so they do a soft pass.yeah. they got little linesthey like to tell you. yeah, like, oh, "i don't wannastand in your way." or, "you're perfect, it's justi have to work on myself." right, right. "i'm just thinkingof your happiness."
"oh, i don't deserve you."that's my favorite one. you know the other one i like?mm? mm? "i am so jealous of the guywho gets to marry you." well, that could have been you.yeah. that's what i wasleaning towards.yeah. let me tell you something,the second you hear that, run to the store, get yourselfsome ribs and some ice cream, because you have been dumped.
hey, anna, it's ben. listen, um, i know it's beena while since you called. it's just, uh,it took me by surprise. um, but i did offer to help youwith your career and i don't see whyi can't do that, right? so why don't you, uh,give me a call and maybe you can come by theoffice this week or something. okay? all right,take care. bye-bye. woman:hey, you.
oh, shit. [laughs]what? you scared me. [laughing]oh. you okay? yeah. everything's fine.yeah? are you smoking again? no, sweetie,i'm not smoking.oh. why?i don't know, i don't know,
you get jumpywhen you smoke. mm, i'm not smoking,i promise. no, i wasjust sitting here trying to picture whatthis room's gonna look like when it's finished.mm. i like that game.you do? you do? [giggles] what colordid you picture?
um, that's where i got stuck. mm.yeah. i was thinking... maybe yellow. yellow? okay. yellow? okay.mm-hm. yeah. i mean, it's neutral.mm-hm. you know, so itcould be whatever. it could be an office,
it could be a guest room,a gym, a baby's room. wait, did you mean "neutral," ordid you mean "gender-neutral"? i don't know whatyou're talking about. oh, really?no. [both laugh] i know we said we'dwait to talk about it. uh-huh.mm-hm. but i think that we're almost ready to starttalking about it.
[laughter and indistinctchattering] so that's the last timei do anything pro bono. [exhales]well, ladies, i guess i have to get backto the office. you go back to the officeafter happy hour? what's happy about that?i met you. i met you. so, i would love to call yousometime. do you have a card? oh, of course.
oh, great. great. uh, here is my info. nice to meetyou, janine.nice to meet you. nice to meet you. look forward tohearing from you, gigi. oh, wait. oh. so how are we doing this? um, are you hearing from meor am i getting a call? you said thatyou'd love to call me,
but then you said: "look forward to hearingfrom you," and-- [laughing]you see how that'skind of confusing? yeah, look, we'll talk.we'll get in touch. oh! oopsie! you did itagain. very vague. uh, you know what? let's justsay that you'll call me and then we canskip all the nonsense. goodbye, gigi. ♪ i can't find my peace of mind ♪
♪ because i need you with me all of the time ♪ ♪ i used to think about you night and day ♪ he was cute.yeah. please don'tcyber-stalk him. what are you doing? i'm not calling him. if he wants to see me,he'll call. wow. that guy alex reallymade an impression on you.
hm!was he hot? was he hot? no. he was just... right. morning.morning, ryan. a surprise mocha venti, justbecause you're so awesome. love you.love you. love you. good morning. so?
oh, hi. he asked me out. he asked me out.man: oh, my god. he called? man: oh, my god. he called? no-- well... he e-mailed? no.what? he left what? he left his calling card withyour lady-in-waiting?
he myspaced me. ouch. oh, girl, i don't knowabout that. my trampy little sister saysmyspace is the new booty call. well, what am isupposed to do? i mean, thingshave changed. people don't meet each otherorganically anymore. you know, if i wouldlike to make myself seem more attractiveto the opposite sex,
i don't go and get a newhaircut, i update my profile. that's just the wayit is, you know? [phone ringing][all murmur] [all murmur] man: she's right.back, back, back, back. back, back, back, back. ad sales, this is mary. hi, mary, this is conor,anna's friend, or whatever. hi.
so, what'd you think? i'm looking at it right now.i'm not sure about this. oh, you have to trust me.it's a burgeoning market. you're gonna make a fortune. yeah, i know. did you have toput me with the massage ads? [laughing] hey, well, it was either that or the page withthe personals, so... this page gets a lot of action. yeah, i guessyou're right.
hey, have you spokento anna lately? okay. uh... all right, mary, i'll talkto you soon. thank you. bye. [phone beeps off] [phone beeps off] woman 1:what i'm trying to show youis that there's a difference... [women chattering indistinctly] beth:hey, how did you get aunt linda to sew these dressesin two weeks?
she wanted to do it.oh, really? oh, really? she told me she felt like an oldindonesian lady in a sweatshop. is that not right?no, she didn't. no, she didn't. what's the, um--?why--? why the big rushto, uh-- to get married? because i am nothaving my wedding during a grossbaltimore winter
and i am not waitingtill spring. ha! you are so pregnant. [gasps]oh, god, i'm not pregnant. oh, god, i'm not pregnant. i'm not pregnant.that's ridiculous. okay, chug a beer then.no, i'm not chugging a beer. no, i'm not chugging a beer. chug a beer. we're in love,you assholes.
that's what people dowhen they're in love. they get married. but you know what? not everybodygets married, you know? there-- there are many peoplewho never get married. well, thanks forthe inspirational pep talk. what-- what she meant to saywas that it's-- it's fine that you broke up with neil.right. tons of people make the choiceto be alone and they're happy. ooh, look at al pacino.
never been married,happy as a clam. would that--? am i--? would ibe al pacino in this scenario? no, bethie, we just--we want you to be happy. well, then you should haverethought the coral. all [laughing]:oh! oh! look at her face.i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sick of these coral jokes.beth: sorry. beth: sorry.
i know, you're sensitive.trust me, i get it. hey, hey, why don't youcome over and have dinner with me and stevenand the kids, and then you canjust stay over--? why would she wanna hang outwith you and your husband? hey.the last thingi'd feel like doing. the last thingi'd feel like doing. if being in this weddingis too painful-- oh, god, you guys. please,stop it. relax, relax.
that's enough, okay?seriously, you guys, i'm f-- i can-- i've gone throughbreakups before. if you remember,i handle them quite well. you've been there,you've seen it. i'm perfectly capableof doing this. i can do it again. i want you to stopworrying about me. i'm fine. i know it's here somewhere.
i spoke with george lanein music and he had a whole listof references for you. oh. um, well,that's okay. you can just call mewhen you find it. i swear i didn't lure you hereunder false pretenses. [laughing]oh, i know. a girl can dream, though. oh, you're justtoo good a guy. why are you married again?
seriously, why?um-- um-- no, i really think that itwould be good for me to know why you cannot livewithout this other woman. [sighs]well, we'd been together since collegeand she gave me an ultimatum. she said, "either we getmarried or we break up." so we got married. you caved.
it's complicated. what? you're a dick if youdate a girl for too long and don't marry her. then you marry herand then you're an asshole for marryingbefore you're ready. i mean, shit,i don't know. you're really hot. and i am obviouslyattracted to you. so i think the besti can do is, uh...
eventually find this pieceof paper and call you and hope to just help you out inyour career in some small way. [men chattering indistinctly] [latin music playingover the radio] hi. how's it going? [men speaking in spanish] javier. javier, i thought we talkedabout tarping the furniture. [men speaking spanish distantly]
[indistinct chattering][phone ringing] [phone ringing] woman:i think he's still in college. city supper. hi, this is gigi. is alex there? uh, hold on. alex?yo. yo. drinks are good? okay.man: yeah, one more.
man: yeah, one more. hello? hi, this is gigi. hi, this is gigi. gigi? huh? gigi phillips. gigi phillips. i, um, had the dentist pen. right. hey. how you doing? i'm really sorry to bug you. uh, i just-- that's okay.
that's okay. --thought you had somereally good insights and i wanted to ask you a question. okay, look, now i needto be harsh with you. um, conor's never gonna beinterested in you, geege. no, i know.this is about jarrad. jarrad. so we meet at happy hourand he's completely charming-- hey, uh, give metwo seconds, okay?
two seconds, hold on. mm-mh. mm-mh. let me guess. he said: "the only thing happyabout this hour is you." he might have usedsome derivative of that. um... [chuckling] [chuckling] so he sayshe's going to call, but then he gives mehis card and he says--
oh, he's not interested. you don't even knowif he's called. oh, did he? but i honestly think he's expect-- gigi, he is notinterested. [knocking on door] alex, this is jacked. the hostess is giving me shitfor not wearing a black shirt. it's not black.look at it.
look at it. not a black shirt.look at it. i see it, not black. this shit is black. if a guy gives you his phonenumber instead of taking yours, he's not interested. oh, he took mine first.then he gave-- and also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.
i once called 55 lauren bellsuntil i got the right one. that's cute.what happened? oh, yeah, as it turns out, her ass looked really hugein the daylight. [gigi laughs] is it your sensitivity that makes you so popularwith women? don't call him.he doesn't like you. well, don't tiptoearound my feelings.
well, i'm justtrying to help. i know. thank you.sure. um, i gotta get back to work,but, uh, good luck. okay, bye. hey, buddy, you home? conor:yeah. come on in. hey, you want a beer? or an apple martini? oh, that's funny.
have you toldyour parents? it's for work. i'm tryingto expand my client base. by pretendingto be gay? no, by beingmore gay-friendly. or, in real-estate terms,"gay-adjacent." nice. you know what?i'm gonna use that. i think i should change this.it's maybe a little much. i don't know, buddy.you're dressing like that and you're seeing a girl whowon't sleep with you.
i thinkyou can pull it off. it's not that she won'tsleep with me, douche bag. i have slept with her.it's just she, you know... won't sleep with you anymore. pretty much, yeah. what do you think? i think you gota problem, because you're gonna have tobeat them away with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
[laughing]holy shit. observe your breath. inhale, belly rise. [all inhale] and exhale, belly fall. [all exhale] bring your hands togetherin front of your chest. bow your head in gratitude. namaste.
namaste.all: namaste. all: namaste. thank you for coming, everyone.see you next week. [clapping] great class. ooh... we ran into each other. you came to my class. i had no idea thiswas your class.
you called to ask meif this was my class. no, you never called back. because you told me not to callyou if it was my class. it was. no. we just raninto each other.okay. we're justtwo innocent folks who happen to be working outnear each other. exactly. you wanna swim? you know,i was just thinking,
why can't we be friends? i mean, am i not allowedto have friends anymore? i mean, am i not allowed to--to be friends with people that are hotanymore? i mean, what kind ofreverse prejudice is that? i hear you. i mean, am i not supposedto be friends with a guy just becausehe's married? or has an insane smile?
or an ass that makes mewanna dry hump? did you justsay "dry hump"? [moans] i think i justfell in love. so we're friends. uh... [water splashes] you wanna come in? oh...
i'm sorry,i don't trust myself. that's okay.you can just watch. you know, you may bethe best friend i've ever had. [door opens] take a shower. hey. what? hi. honey?yeah. you smell weird. i smell weird?yeah, different.
yeah, different. different how?i don't know. i don't know. sort of an odd thingto say. you know, maybe it was theashtray and cigarettes i found. in the back yard. what part of"my dad died of lung cancer" is so hard for youto wrap your brain around? do not lie to me, ben.please, okay?
are you serious? we have, like, 8000 undocumentedworkers here daily, okay? and you find an ashtray withcigarettes in it and you think-- you automatically assumethat they're mine. oh, yeah. honey, i'm notlying to you. i think... you are reallyfreaking out. this whole renovationthing's getting to you
because nothing'shappening. just say no. get it out. gonna take a shower. i'm exhausted. it's all right. who'd have thought thata random girl from yoga would fix me up withsuch a good kisser? back at you, sister.[laughs]
i can't waitto kiss you again. but we're kissing right now. i know, next time. the second-date kissis way more intimate. well, listen,i'm leaving tomorrow, so i'll be out of touchfor a little bit. can you excuse me a quicksecond? too many diet cokes. [cell phone ringing] [both moaning]
oh, yeah.yeah? hey, sorry to bug you again.uh, quick question. excuse me one minute,babe. sorry.yeah. what--? what's going on? okay, i'm making outwith this guy-- uh, pg stuff. and he mentions thathe's going out of town, so he's gonna beout of touch. run. but maybe he isgoing out of town.
to where? where's he goingthat he's gonna be out of touch? where are you goingout of town to again? um, uh, pittsburgh. pittsburgh. so, what, nowi'm just supposed to run from every guywho doesn't like me? [laughing]uh, yeah. there's not gonnabe anybody left. uh, i don't know whyi'm saying this,
but i think i know a nice guywho might actually like you. yeah? yeah. yeah. he's friends with my brother. his name's bill. we'll all meet for drinks and it-- it'll be good. so i mean, i'm-- i'm in hisbathroom right now. what do i do? well, you gotta comeout eventually, right? but, uh, i'd--i'd take my time in there.
i'd let him sweat. thanks. good luck. good luck. [talking heads' "this mustbe the place" playing] ♪ home ♪ ♪ is where i want to be pick me up and turn me round ♪ [indistinct chatter] yeah,the boat looks great. you look like shit.
but your boat looks great. neil:yeah. i live on my boat, man. personal hygienegoes out the window. a lot of time towork on the place. you should try workingon a shower. [laughing]yeah. hey, whatcan i tell you? standing on principle,man. it's all i got. cigarette?no, i'm good.
no, i'm good. that's right, you quit. good for you. ♪ cover up and say goodnight ♪ ♪ say goodnight ♪ neil:so, uh, did janine send you out hereto check up on me? yeah, pretty much. what are yougonna tell her?
i'll tell her how gorgeousyou look out here on the ocean. break. any word from beth? you know, she's so busyorganizing her sister's funeral, i think she must--sister's what? sister's what? her wedding.her sister's wedding. isn't that what i said?no. you said "funeral." no. you said "funeral."
no, i didn't.yes, you did. yes, you did. shit, did i really?that's so weird. i don't understand whypeople wanna get married. they don't. they don't?no. no, no guy actuallywants to get married. and if they do, all they'rereally thinking about? all the womenthey're gonna miss out on.
i don't wanna be with anybodyelse, i just wanna be with beth. i don't know, man, i... why'd you get married? i love janine. you're a happilymarried guy. yeah.yeah, i'd say so. now, i know i don't needto tell any of you that my cousin paigeis f--king hot. [all chuckle]
you know, in high school,if i told the popular guys that paige was my cousin, it'd keep mefrom getting my ass kicked because no one wantedto blow their chances with her. [all laugh] and when, uh,she gets up there and says those marriagevows to devon, there will be hearts breakingall over the world. man: hear, hear.woman: that's sweet.
woman: that's sweet. but, uh, you know, keep in mindthat her sister beth is, uh, still on the market. yeah, sure, she may bean older model, but, uh, she got a lot of goodmiles left in that tank. but don't stay on the lottoo long there, bethie, or next year's models are gonnaslip in there and steal all-- okay, that's enoughof the speeches. okay.so enjoy the crab.
so enjoy the crab. and that yellow stuffis not hot mustard, it's the crab'shepatopancreas. [piano being played] bethie. your cousin jayhas always been a jackass. i know. and somehoweven he's married. [laughing]oh, honey, look.
back when everyone was justgoing to camp at the y, you borrowedmy new york times, found some arts campin the berkshires, wrote away for informationand got accepted on your own. you never did thingslike everyone else. why not? because that's you. that's why you'remy favorite daughter. you're not supposedto say that.
i don't give a shit. i'm retired, i'llsay what i want to. i'll say it to the wholeroom if you want. wait, wait, wait!come here. stop. it's true, though. [the black crowes' "by yourside" playing over pub speakers] what are you doing?waiting for you. waiting for you. [woman laughing]
come on. ♪ when i fall please take a bow, yeah ♪ sorry i'm late.no, it's okay. no, it's okay. i like a little timebefore a blind date. prepare myself mentally, remindmyself not to tell the story about my molars--uh, gigi, he's not coming. uh, gigi, he's not coming. but you can tell methe story about the molars.
i'd love to hear it.um, hey. how could he alreadynot like me? no, i screwed up. i told billit was thursday, not tuesday. it's my fault.hi. are you good? can i get a jameson onthe rocks? thank you.sure. gigi:awesome. i'm stuck with a guy who can't distinguishtuesday from thursday. meanwhile, this girl, she's probably meetingher soul mate as we speak.
this one right here?mm-hm. oh, god, no. how do you know? the guy workingthe tom cruise thing? she's interested,he's clearly not. you cannot tellfrom a cursory glance that he's not into her.oh, no, actually, i can. oh, no, actually, i can. i-- i-- i see this stuffgoing on every night.
now, watch this. she's going onabout her macrobiotic diet and he's thinking, "dear christ,get me out of here." and look at that,how fortuitous. drinks spill, which is perfectfor him, because now... yup. he can move on to the girlwith the shoulder tattoo. man, you have a gift. uh-huh. now-- now check outdroopy dog on the other side. this guy's gonna buy her drinksall night and she's still gonnainsist that there's no spark.
maybe there's not.you need a spark. oh, the spark thingis bullshit. really?bullshit. bullshit. enlighten me. guys invented the spark so they could not calland treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing,and then convince you that that anxiety and fearthat just develops naturally
was actually just a spark. and you guys all buy it.you eat it up and you love it. you love it becauseyou feed off that drama. you all love that drama.i don't. i don't. really? so you never wait untilthe last minute on a deadline or a phone bill becausesecretly you love the drama of not knowing whether or notyou're gonna make it? maybe.
and-- and let me guess: when you were stalkingconor the other night, were you obsessingabout him calling, constantly pacingback and forth, staring at yourphone for days, even though the datewas just kind of mediocre? uh, okay. yeah. because you all thriveon the drama. thank you. look, you gotta be more like me.if a girl likes me, great.
but if not, there are plentymore out there like her, you know? probably with smallerpores and bigger implants. that's beautiful.i know. why are you sharing all of thisinside dating information with me again? i don't know, i like you. well, yeah. okay, don't start doodlingmy name on your binder, okay? i just mean-- i mean, i like youthe way i like basset hounds.
something pathetic about them.you just wanna cheer them up. [laughing]again with the sensitivity. to sensitivity. [both laughing] it looks good. he does good work. he does good work.yeah, he does. yeah, he does. very nice.
javier? javier?yeah. if i asked youan honest question, do you think you could give mean honest answer? i think so.good, good. good, good. because i think some of yourguys might be smoking. is that the question? yes.seemed like a statement.
seemed like a statement. well, the question part'simplied. i really didn't hear itin the inflection. javier, have you guysbeen smoking or not? no, ma'am. my guys, theydon't smoke on the job site. they're good guys. are you sure your guyshaven't been sneaking around hereand smoking? and lying to me?and smoking?
i'm pretty sure. i need you to be honestwith me, javier. because i can't havesomeone lying to me. to my face, under my roof,on my time. that's a lotof prepositions. i mean, there's no reasonfor that kind of dishonesty, is there? i mean, we made promisesto each other. i mean, we have a contract.
that's like making promises.isn't it? maybe i shouldget back to work. [laughing]oh, yeah. right, yeah. that's great, yeah. we're good, right? you-- you and me. oh, yeah, yeah. we're good.oh, good. oh, good.
okay, that's great. yeah, he did great work. conor:welcome, everybody. thanks for coming.i'm conor. sign in when you get a second.make yourselves at home. we got some cookies over here, some, uh, cold beverages.help yourself. conor, you are the liza minnelliof real estate. i know. your friendmary's a genius.
i know, she's so great. well, i gotta go, so i guessi'll see you later. what, you got a class,or...? yeah. no, i-- i-- no, just something. anna: stuff i gotta do.conor: okay. well, uh... conor: okay. well, uh... i'll see you.okay.
okay. uh, bye. okay. bye. see you later. conor: all right. call me.anna: okay. anna: okay. she's holding out on you,isn't she? not quite surei get your meaning. it's obviousshe won't sleep with you. it's written all overyour puppy-dog face.
it's killing me, literally.i'm dying. here, have a cookie. no, i'm cool. i don't know what she's doing.i cannot read her signals. we used to sleep togetherall the time. well, that's not true.i don't know why i said that. it wasn't all the time,but it did happen. i know i'm notjust making this up. and then out of nowhereit just stops.
but she still calls. she wants a massage. she leaves cute messages. but it's not going anywhere.what is she doing? honestly, we may not havethe best insight. gay signals have nothingto do with straight signals. he's right. the signalsare totally different. like, here.
here's "i wanna sleep with you." one, two, three. that's it, three secondsor more, it's on. and here's"i don't wanna sleep with you." one, two... nope, thanks for playing,move along. yeah, it's reallythat simple. you're right,that didn't help me at all. larry [sighs]:all right, well,i can tell you this.
gay or straight, you're not gonna get anywhereby being inactive. she clearly likes you. maybe she just wants youto be a man and do something. hit me up with an oatmealraisin, will you? thanks.here you go. man: if a girl's into you, she's sleeping with you. if after a month, or two monthsat the very outside,
she's not sleeping with you? [chuckling]she doesn't like you. the trick isto spot this girl early. you don't wanna wastethe one to seven weeks waiting to find outit's never gonna happen. so i've come up with some signsabout how to spot this girl. a girl will never sleep with you if she calls you "cuddly"or "dependable." if she pops a zitin front of you,
if her name is amberor christine, if she takes a dumpin your bathroom or she takes home leftoverson dates one, two, or three. i know it's not scientific, but i'm just saying,you were warned. ♪ mm ♪ ♪ there's so much craziness ♪ ♪ surrounding me ♪ ♪ there's so much going on ♪
♪ it gets hard to breathe ♪ wait, stop. i am so into you. seriously, i've neverfelt like this before. i have to actively stop my brainfrom thinking about you. [laughing]like, all the time. like, all the time. ♪ like holy water ♪ why stop?
because i don't dostuff like this. stuff like what? like-- like sleep with womenthat aren't my wife. first of all,i am not "women." i'm just one. and second of all? oh, i didn't havea second of all. i was hoping "second of all"would make me feel better. mm...
second of all, i can't stop thinkingabout you either. he's totally leaving his wifefor me. that's crazy. that's crazy.we hardly know each other. i don't know.i mean, look at becca. you know,my sister's friend. one guy waits on herat bennigan's, and by the end of the meal, they both knewthey had found the one.
you're right.you're totally right. i mean,it could happen, right? not for me. what about texter? texter has yetto make verbal contact. i mean,this guy could've had surgery, leaving himwithout a voice box, breathing through a stoma,and i would never know because i've neveractually heard his voice.
well, i doubthe has a stoma. mary:that's not the point. i can't text. you know,i'm not charming via text. anna:well, maybe you should juststop texting. but it's not just texting,it's e-mail. it's voicemail.it's snail mail. that's regular mail. whatever.none of it's working.
i had this guy leave mea voicemail at work, so i called him at home. and then he e-mailed meto my blackberry, and so i texted to his cell and then he e-mailed meto my home account and the whole thingjust got out of control. and i miss the days whereyou had one phone number and one answering machine. and that one answering machinehoused one cassette tape,
and that one cassette tape either had a messagefrom the guy or it didn't. and now you just have togo around checking all thesedifferent portals just to get rejectedby seven different technologies. it's exhausting. hm. what aboutthat, uh, myspace guy? jude. i like him.good. yeah,i felt like we connected.
what if she wants you to kiss her? man [on tv]: well, then i guess i'm just gonna have to kiss her. "amanda jonesis no minor leaguer "who'll be swept off her feet at the touchof your amateur lips." [phone rings] woman [on tv]: this babe has plenty of battle scars. uh. oh, hey, you're home. where am i supposed to be?
out, maybe?it's saturday night. you won't let me go outwith guys who don't like me. it's kind of limiting. right. listen, i was just gonnaleave a message. i'm having a party next weekend.you should come. oh, i don't know. won't conor be there?it might be kind of awkward. no, you know what, he's ata real-estate conference in d.c.
but there'll bea lot of single guys. so there will be plenty ofchances for me to be awkward. don't worry, i'll be there. i'll talk you through it. [loud crash] oh, yeah. okay, gotta go. uh, someone just dropped,like, 84,000 plates. but maybe i'll see you there. you're busy.i shouldn't have called. oh, wait, you called me.p--
yup, good. bye. bye. boy [on tv]: how--? how do you work on it? pretend i'm a girl, okay? i mean, pretend i'm her. amanda. he's into me. awesome. i knew it.
who's this now?alex. alex. it's totally clear to me now.he's watts. he's what? from some kind of wonderful. oh. oh. i thought mary stuart mastersonwas watts. so why aren't you watts? i'm eric stoltz.
alex is watts becausewatts helps eric stoltz go on a date with amanda jones. really, she's in lovewith eric stoltz herself. so amanda jones is conor? i guess. at first. now men in general,but that's not the point. the point is he's into me. you know, i knewthere had to be some reason why he was spendingall that time with you.
i know. it's so obvious now.there are so many signs. signs. love signs. you gotta tell me aboutthe signs. love signs. first they were small. like at first when i called, he said,"good to hear from you." totally good sign.right? mm-hm.and then the next time i called, and then the next time i called,
he was with a woman,but he took the call, and we talked for a while. you know it was a woman?he called her "babe." he called her "babe." okay, a guy doesn'tleave a woman to go talkto another woman unless he's-- and it gets more obvious. i mean, please. there was no guyhe was gonna fix me up with.
the fix-up was him. yes. he shows up withoutthis fictitious bill character. and the two of usbasically have a date. and then he calls and invites meto a party at his place. [gasps] [both squeal] [laughing]he so likes you. oh! i'm so happy for you.
let's look up placesfor your destination wedding. how do you feelabout napa valley? i have reallyalways wanted to go there. oh, he's cute. yeah. smolderingbut sensitive. oh."all i have is my guitar, these chords,and the truth." all:"bon jovi." mm.that's hot.
that's hot. yeah. i-- i like him. i mean, you know, he probablyhasn't called yet or anything, because we just had coffeelast night. really?yeah, you know. yeah, you know. i mean, we actually videoichatted while holding coffee. but that's--that's the same thing, right? right, right.oh, yeah.
just call your voicemail. yeah, but he hada gig last night, and, you know, he probablydidn't get home till late. did i tell you he's a singer?mm-hm. just call. mm-hm. just call. oh, honey, no, on speaker. i don't think so.yes! yes! i'm sure he hasn't called.
just call him.okay. [machine beeps] answering machine: you have two new messages. all:oh. man: ♪ mary ♪[gasps] ♪ whoa mary, mary, mary, mary ♪ ♪ oh, my mary ♪ i just got hard. hey, mary, it's jude.
i was just calling to tell you again how special it was to meet you. so, uh, call me back. bye-bye. [machine beeps]amazing. amazing. this is good, this is good.[all giggling] [all giggling] [machine beeps] see? he called. see? he called.
jude: ♪ jenny ♪ ♪ whoa, jenny, jenny, jenny ♪ hey, jenny, it's jude. i was just calling to-- whoa, shit. what number did i just dial? answering machine: all messages erased. that one. you sure?yeah. no. it's a laminate. that's not real hardwood floor?
nope. i know, it looksexactly like it. but it is likeone one-hundredth of the cost. huh! i still wannago with the real wood. what? you can't eventell the difference. it's not the point. well, what is the point? i just...
i don't like the wayit's pretending to be wood. you know, if you're not wood,don't try and look like wood. [laughing]i don't thinkthat it's pretending. this is a lie, ben. just be up front and tell peoplewhat you really are. okay, you're right.you're right. it's okay. maybe we should justgo look at the grills and then we'll come back. i slept with someone.
i s-- i s--i heard you. i heard you. [breathes sharply] you tell me this in home depot because you knowi hate a public scene. no, that is notwhy i'm telling-- i knew it. you asshole.i'm sorry.
i'm s-- it is you that's beensmoking too, isn't it? wha--? wait, what does thateven matter? [shouts]have you--? [quietly]have you been smoking? no. no, i haven't. look, i talked to neil.i told him and he said i could stayat his boat for a while.
excuse me? now you're moving out? you're, like, leaving me? no, no. i just assumedthat you wouldn't want me to-- aren't we gonnadeal with this? don't you wanna find some way for us to work through this? i assumed that when i told you,you would want me...
out. is that what you want? [association's "cherish"playing] ♪ cherish is a word ♪ ♪ i use to describe... ♪ woman:you're doing a great job. [inaudible] ♪ you don't know how many times...♪ oh, my gosh,it's bridget. hi!
♪ you don't know how many times ♪ ♪ i've wished that i could hold you... ♪ oh, my goodness. [people laughing] oh, what a beautiful dog. ♪ cherish you... ♪ seriously, devon, i really didfeel just a moment, a splash, of hesitation. no, there wasn't. there wasn'tany hesitation at all.
paige:see? you just did it again. that was a pause. devon:i did not pause. you must be beth. yeah. yeah. heard a lot about youfrom paige. actually been lobbying to sit next to her single sisterfor weeks. oh, yeah?
so you must be... "dan." sort of. sort of? well, i'm actually a wiccan. a what?a wiccan. a wiccan. wiccan? male witch.right. oh.
right. oh. so i also havea magical name. it's brother phoenix east-horse. but i didn't knowif that would fit on the card. [laughs][laughing] love that. [laughing] love that. wow, i'm guessing that i'm gonnahear a whole lot about you. nature-basedpre-christian paganism, yeah. yeah. that's fantastic.
dan:uh. well, where to begin? well, first off, it's not justa bunch of nude farming, dad. wow.let's look at stonehenge. let's look at stonehenge. uh, obviously nota coincidence. they didn't have the machineryto move those rocks. i mean, they're huge. yeah, they're heavy.of course. of course.
♪ 'cause you keep me coming back for more ♪ ♪ and i feel a little better than i did before ♪ ♪ if i never see your face again ♪ ♪ i don't mind ♪ ♪ 'cause we've gone much further ♪ ♪ than i thought we'd get tonight ♪ ♪ sometimes you move so well it's hard not to give in ♪ nathan:i'm nathan. and, uh, this is bruce.gigi.
gigi. gigi. hi. gigi. hi.hi. so how do you guysknow alex? bruce:oh, uh, well, we don't. our friend mary heard about thisfrom some guy named conor. and how do you know alex? i hope-- uh,
i'm pretty sure that something'sabout to happen between us. both:ooh. so are you here as,like, a guest, or, like, his date? oh, i hate that. when you don't knowif you're a date. so you don't knowif you should bring a friend, or are you,like, co-hosting, or should you stay to the endto have some alone time?
he didn't really say, but i'msure i'm more than just a guest. i mean, there have been signs.cool. [dance music playing] so where's neil? we broke up. no way.yeah. aw. you guys were together,what, like ten years? seven. but still,it's a long time.
it's too badcousins can't marry, because then we could maybe-- oh, dominic. gross. [woman gasps] [music stops, people murmuring] woman:ken, are you all right? man:just clutched his chest. woman:he was standing thereand all of a sudden--
ken, just try to breathe.man: call 911. man: call 911. dad! dad. excuse me. daddy, what is it?what happened? what happened? guys, come here!woman: what happened? woman: what happened? daddy, lay down, okay? did he fall?you'll be fine. you'll be fine.
you guys, did anybodysee what happened? over there. just go get it.okay. hey, hey. i had no ideait'd be such a madhouse. hey. great party. thanks. did any guys hit on you?there are a lot of them here. you need me to evaluateany level of interest? oh, they were gay. even i know their levelof interest was probably low. hey, skilo!
well, it's too badbill couldn't make it. i know you guyswould hit it off. okay, right. "bill." listen, i gotta gomake a liquor run, but, um, i'm noticing the foodneeds some refreshing. would you mind helpingand refilling--? kind of like co-hosting? okay, yeah. um, sure.
so just refilling the chips.they're on the fridge. uh-huh.thanks. man:hey, sweetie, get me a beer? i'll get you another one. hi, guys.nice. nice. hey, linda. ♪ you keep playing me like a fruit machine ♪ ♪ overstretch your generosity ♪
♪ for our band it's leading you astray ♪ ♪ the little we had you've thrown it all away ♪ ♪ go, go, go ♪ ♪ yeah you're on a roll ♪ ♪ yeah you're on a roll ♪ ♪ go, go, go ♪ really great party.oh, thanks. oh, thanks. you know, when alex saidhe wanted to throw a party, i was like, "let's do it!"
thanks for having us.no problem, anytime. no problem, anytime. can i help youfind something? oh, no, it's okay. i got it. thanks for mixing that up. alex asked meto get the dip together. thanks for getting it started. you know, it could usea little more dill. i'm on it, though,don't worry.
come on, my boy.take it home. franchise player.my boy marbury. woman: fifteen seconds. oh--alex: let's go. alex: let's go. woman: oh, a pass.alex: you work too hard. alex: you work too hard. well, i think i've rounded upthe last of the beer bottles. okay, okay. oh, what gameare we playing?
oh, sorry, nash. ha-ha! oh.come on, come on. come on, come on. alex:nash, you piece of shit. maybe i should just--alex: come on! alex: come on! you know,it's past 3:00, so... okay, swat it.watch this. ready? watch this. ready?
and...oh, no, no, no! oh, no, no, no! suck it. yes. wow, you are--you're sensational. yeah, i know.jesus. jesus. alex:i don't know why i bother. wait, did you sayit's past 3:00? oh, man, i gotta go.hey, good game.all right.
all right. bye.bye. hey, thanks for staying and--and helping me clean up. i really gotta go to bed,though. is that an invitation? oh, god, that was cheesy. oh, i'm not good at this. what--? [giggling]
mm.mm. hey-- oh, yes. i knew it. the best relationshipsgrow out of friendships. wait, wait, wait. gigi. wait, wait, wait.hm. hm. what?hm. now you and iare in a relationship?
well, i'd say if we're notat relationship station-ship, we're at least on the track. and why exactlywould you think that? because of the signs. really? like what? like, it was good to hear from me and you talked to meeven when you were with a girl, and i felt something.
oh, man. what are you talking about? gigi, what have i been sayingsince i met you? if a guy wants to date you,he will make it happen, okay? he will ask you out. did i ask you out? w-- why would you do this? why do women do this? build up this stuffin their minds,
take each little thinga guy does, and then twist itinto something else? it's insane. i'd rather be like thatthan be like you. what is thatsupposed to mean? i may dissecteach little thing and put myselfout there too much, but at leastthat means i still care. oh, you think you've won,
because women are--are expendable to you? and you may not get--get hurt, or make an ass of yourselfthat way, but you don't fall in lovethat way either. you have not won. you're alone, alex. i may do a lot of stupid shit, but i know i'm a lot closerto finding someone than you are. [door slams]
beth:do you want anything else? yeah, less of the cardboard crapand more regular people food. well, that cardboard crap is what we callwhole-wheat toast. well, maybe you couldjust fry me up a couple of sausage links. yeah, people who have justhad a heart attack are generally not advisedto have animal fat that's been stuffedinto a synthetic casing.
♪ well, i got a woman way across town ♪ ♪ she's good to me ♪ ♪ oh, oh, yeah say, i got a woman ♪ ken:hey, beth. grab me a beer when you getto the kitchen, okay? and a little plate of cold cuts,if there are any left. hey, would you guys pleaseturn that down a bit? dad's trying to sleep. you think he wantsto hang on to this vinyl?
my collection could usea lot of these. would you just turn itthe fuck down? ♪ way across town she's good to me ♪ well, we're totallyout of toilet paper, and all we have left to eatis some old jelly and some ramen noodles. and our new brother would liketo co-opt dad's property before he's even dead. laura, also, your husband wouldreally like another beer
to go with his fifth consecutivehour of the golf network. are you okay? don't worry, honey,dad's gonna be fine. gigi:do you know who it is? doesn't matter. so are you gonna leave him? gigi, he's my husband. he's not some guywho didn't call me back. he did admit it to me.
he didn't wait to get caught,which takes courage, you know? i'm sorry,i didn't mean that. i didn't mean it. i know that alex wasn'tjust some guy. it's my fault, you know. well, i just think that i'm--you know, i need to take responsibilityfor my share in the whole... mess. you know? i forced himinto getting married.
you know, he wasn't ready.janine, this isn't your fault. janine, this isn't your fault. no, it is. it is, i've changed. i was, um... fun, you know? i was fun when we first met. you're still fun. we don't have sex anymore.
lots of couplesgo through lulls. no, i mean... [sobbing]...we never have sex. [sniffs] [crying] ...i mean, realistically, what do i expect him to do,you know? i don't think that's really... god, this tile is too small.
i have to tell javier. this tile is too small. i gotta go. i have to take a personal day,if anyone asks. woman: well, my first husband was, uh, unimpressive. i found him in bed with hisbig-breasted secretary when i came home earlyfrom the maldives. it was just so unoriginal.
made me feel sorry for him. my second husbandwas a pinch more creative. uh, cheated on mewith my sister, but, uh, made me believe that i was insanefor being suspicious. so at least some mind games,some intrigue. but my last husband,he was a gem. he was a veritable masterat covering his tracks. i mean,i pored over his phone records,
i interceptedhis credit-card bills, i had him followedon numerous occasions, and never founda single shred of evidence. it, uh--it wasn't until he died that i finally found outabout the property he ownedwith his austrian mistress. but, the real master,i have to say, is me. three husbands,countless boyfriends.
i haven't been caught yet. oh, my god.oh, my god. oh, my god, oh, my god.i can't-- shh! in there. oh, my god! oh, my god![laughs] he liked the demo.i can't believe it. it's unbelievable.
did you hear when he saidthat it was-- that it washauntingly beautiful? yeah, i was there.i was-- i was there, baby. thank you.mm. [knock on door] dana, i'm working. i'm going overoffering statements. you gotta--
you gotta come back later. janine:it's not dana. is that your--? [whispers]can you get in the closet? get in the closet.what? just go in the closetfor a second. just for a second. ben? i keep telling danato get that damn lock fixed. janine:why do you bother locking it?
oh, you know i can't getany work done if i don't. hey.hi. can i come in? can i come in?yeah, of course. yeah, of course. janine:sit down. ben:okay. hon? what are--?what are you doing?
i don't know.i just thought maybe we could-- sorry.are you okay? maybe if you justgo over there. just, uh, trying to, you know,re-light the fire. oh, honey. honey, didn't you hearwhat i said before? i really gottafinish these offerings.
look, um, i'm really trying here. do you wannasave our marriage? me too. okay, uh, tyrone, uh,you cover 4 through 6 and pitch inwith the bussers when you can. no, wait a minute.i'm on 8 through 10. hey, i been working here18 months, 8 through 10.
minor oversight. luis, uh, you cover4 through 6, then. dude, luis quit,like, ten months ago. man:yeah, he quit. is there any reasonwe're even having this meeting? not really. no, not for me.alex: great. good. great. alex: great. good. great. uh, meeting adjourned.
back to work. hey, kelli ann. did i get any calls? since you asked me11 minutes ago, no. not a lot of phone traffic. oh, my god.what? what's her name? who? the girl, alex.
there's no girl. you can't hide it, man. i know strung outand you are strung out. okay, please. this is amazing. you can't focus, right? jumping every timeyour phone rings, checking your e-maila hundred times a day, wishing you could write songs.
no, feeling the needto bring up her name in random conversations. it's always the same and it has happened to you,my friend. welcome to my world, asshole. let me get the door. sure i can't interest youin a little beef and broccoli? i gottafinish this stuff. yeah. so i'll see you at home.okay.
i love you. i love you too. y-- yeah, okay. i'll see you later. okay, bye.bye. you make me sick. you make me sick.i had no choice. i had no choice. you're a disgustingexcuse for a man! what was i supposed to do?
you're the one i wanna be--don't touch me! don't touch me! you will nevertouch me again. gigi:dino, thanks again for lettingme pay over the phone. i assure you,this late-payment thing will never happen again. yep, just trying to trim someof the drama out of my life. [line beeping]that's my other line. that's my other line.
hello?man: hi, gigi? man: hi, gigi? mm-hm. this is bill. this is bill. bill...? alex's friend. alex's friend. we were supposed to meet up but alex told me the wrong day. bill, so you do exist. i do.
and i'd love to buy you dinner sometime if you're still game. sure, why not? coming, i'm coming, i'm coming. hi. hi, sweetie. see, why did youjust call me "sweetie"? we always calleach other that. why? all right, look,i wanna say something, okay?
we call each other"sweetie" all the time. and we fall asleep on the phoneafter talking for hours. i washed your hairfor you after you had your shouldersurgery and everything. and it's likewe're together. i know thati've been-- no, hold on a second. let me--let me finish. all right, i thinkmaybe this is my fault
because i-- maybe i wasn't clearabout exactly what i want. so let me, uh--let me be clear. i love hanging out. but i'm soattracted to you. i just--i want both. and i don't know what happenedor why we stopped. i don't care. what?okay. no, i'm talking aboutreally doing this.
like a full-onrelationship. with me. a bunch of gay peopleput you up to this? stop talking. man 1:stay home. it's an end-around. man 2:no, it's not. he's still got it. he's still got it. shit.who let that happen? who let that happen?
it's so embarrassing. man 3:that is so embarrassing. uh, did any of you guyshave a chance to get to the store? oh, no. we're good.we got takeout. no, i-- i didn't mean for you,i meant f-- man 2:all right, here we go. come on, defense,wake up. you have to bekidding me.
[footsteps approaching] i just got a little bitmore of this. i gotta finish. um... there's some laundryi'm gonna put away and then i had another loadof clothes in the dryer. i did get some of the foodyour dad likes, but i got somehealthy stuff too. just, you know. it's gonna be okay.
it'll be okay. [car alarm chirps] [hammering noises] instructor:bend your knee a bit more. [cell phone rings]inhale. inhale. reverse warrior, look up. exhale. [ringing]
hi, you've reached ben's cell phone. please leave-- you lying sack of shit! [screams] lying sack shit! [panting] [howls] [sniffles]
[rings] [blow-dryer whirring] gigi's voice: ...or call my cell or try me at work, but definitely leave a message here first. thanks. [machine beeps]hey, gigi, it's alex. hey, gigi, it's alex. um, how's it going? uh, just wonderinghow you're doing.
i haven't talked to youin a little while and, uh, was just wonderinghow you're doing. so hey, i was hopingto talk to you. but you're out, i guess. so just call me sometime. or tonight. uh, i'm around, i'll be--well, i'm in and around. so that's--that's enough for now. it's alex.
[phone snaps shut] dude. [foghorn blows] welcome aboard. might i come aboard?yeah. you remember the boat. well, you know,i thought i did. [laughs]or, you know, little-- or, you know, little--
but it's been a while. you know that dockright over there? there's a-- the-- a boatthat looks just like yours. uh-huh.it's not yours. it's not yours. no, that's not my boat. it's definitely notyour boat. but, uh-- but there'sa very nice gentleman, uh, living on the boat,
who invited me infor a white-wine spritzer. wasn't, uh,expecting visitors. that's all right.i just-- i wanted to just come byand say thanks for helping yesterday. beth, you know,i'm the same person. i would do anythingfor you. i'm-- it's--i just can't give you-- i just can't give youwhat you want.
you're what i want. our life togetheris what i want. i miss it. i miss you. you see, those guysmy sisters are married to-- you're more of a husband to menot being married, than those real husbandsare ever gonna be, and-- it's enough.it's really enough for me. and you would be willing
to take the wholemarriage thing off the table completely? if you-- if you promiseto commit to me and-- and to love me, and--i already have. i already have. i've been--i'm not finished. i'm not finished. okay. all right. but i've loved youfor seven years--
you have to snake the drain when my hair gets clogged. you know that happens.okay? [chuckling]okay. yeah. and also... you have to let me eatthose wheat thins in bed. you gotta give me that. it's-- okay, fine. okay?all right.
and, uh... and?that's it. that's it. do i get to come home now? i guess you can. but these cannot come. what, my pants? that's correct.can't come home? can't come home?
no.why? you just won a reallybig battle, my friend. so we're-- so we're notgonna get married, but i have to get ridof my pants. and we both win. all right.i'll get rid of them. so you're really gettinga lot of bids on this place? yeah.i know it's crazy,
but it's a neighborhoodin transition. is that, like, young, hip, gaycouples or something like that? yeah. hip gay people,young couples, young families. wow, this reminds meof where i grew up. i bet it's gotone of the-- wait a minute. yeah, that's it. [sighs]oh, we used to have the exact same one.
except my momused it as a desk. when do all the fabulouspeople arrive? well, actually,the open house is tomorrow. but, uh, i havethis one buyer, and, uh, i wantedto make sure his girlfriendlikes it first. oh, he has a girlfriend,huh? yeah, i have an idea. for this house.
for me. and hopefully, if you like it, and things continue to,you know... anna, i have a plan. okay? i know wheremy life is going, and i want youto go with me. now, i'm not saying i want youto move in right now,
but i don't wanna buy thisplace unless, at some point, you could see yourselfmoving in. so, what do you think? i can't do this. well, if it's too fast, i guess we can always just--mm-mm, i can't do any of this. mm-mm, i can't do any of this. i mean, what you're sayingand what you're offering
is what every girl wants. it's what i always wanted. it's just... you don't want itwith me. whew. [conor exhales] [scoffs]okay. uh, i havea question. is there any way we could
dial it back to before when we were just sleepingtogether, because, i don't know,i felt like that gelled. babe? [keane's "somewhereonly we know" playing] it was nice meeting you. thank you so muchfor a lovely evening. you too. good night.
♪ i walked across ♪ ♪ an empty land ♪ ♪ i knew the pathway like the back of my hand ♪ ♪ i felt the earth ♪ ♪ beneath my feet ♪ ♪ sat by the river and it made me complete ♪ you forget something? yeah, i did. really?what did you forget?
this. so you came all the way hereat 11:00 at night to bring me backa promotional pen? yeah, i thoughti should just come up with some really great excuseto get over here. that's how it's done,isn't it? sometimes. look, i-- i can't stopthinking about you. i-- it's a problem.
i drive by your place, i call and hang up. i'm turning into-- me. [laughs]yeah. a wise person once told me that if a guywants to be with a girl, he will make it happenno matter what. that's true.
when i was hurlingmy body onto yours, you did not seemto want to make it happen. okay, yeah, all right.here's the thing about that: you were right. i've gotten so usedto keeping myself at a safe distancefrom all these women and having the power, that i-- i didn't knowwhat it felt like when i actually fell
for one of them. i didn't know. ♪ somewhere only we know ♪ look, i just went outwith your friend bill and-- --he might be justexactly what i need. no drama. he calls,he does what he says. i can dothat stuff too. but you didn't.
and that same wise persontold me that i am the rule. that i have to stop thinkingthat every guy will change. that i have tostop thinking that-- ♪ and if you have a minute why don't we go ♪ ♪ talk about it somewhere only we know? ♪ ♪ this could be the end of everything ♪ i'm the exception. you are my exception. ♪ ooh, ah-ah ♪
♪ so why don't we go ♪ ♪ somewhere only we know? ♪ [dials phone] [cell phone rings] conor barry. hi, it's mary at the blade. i'm looking at your new adand i love it. [laughing]really? you don't think the muscle tis a little too much?
i think the shirtyou're wearing now is probably more you. what, you here? i'm sittingright in front of you. [laughing] wow, this is you. mary. it's me. i'm me. um, should i--?
please. please. okay. i'll talk to you in a minute. see you in a second. see you in a second. hi.how are you? how are you? it's nice tofinally meet you... yeah, you too....in person. ...in person. this is a pleasant surprise.you, uh--
i don't know.not what i expected. my voice doesn'tmatch my face? your voice does not matchyour face in a good way. in a--yeah, i mean-- that sounded--that sounded terrible. i don't know how all this stufffit in here before. i know. it seems likeit just expanded. you are not trying toget these back in here. [gasps]these are--
these are-- you are not getting ridof these pants. we had a deal, mister.[laughs] i don't--these are not staying. you can store thosehorizontally. goodwill wouldn't eventake these. they could be pressed,flattened, you can-- if you're gonnathrow them out, at least check the pockets,all right?
so you don't throw awaysome personal items. i love you so much. so much. and i wannamake you happy. i need to make you happy for me to even have a shotat being happy. will you
marry me? yes, of course i will. yes.yeah! yeah! thank god. [erin mccarley's "love,save the empty" playing] woman: girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a guy punches you, he likes you.
never try to trim your own bangs. and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. and your commitmentto each other. every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it. the third-act twist: the unexpected declaration of love. the exception to the rule.
but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't. the ones who will stay from the ones who will leave. erin mccarley: ♪ love ♪ ♪ save the empty ♪ hi, there. woman: and maybe this happy ending
doesn't include a wonderful guy. maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just... moving on. baby, what are you doing?come on, it's our turn. forget the dip.come on, come on.
man:alex! let's go, alex! [all shouting indistinctly]come on, alex, your turn. come on, alex, your turn. ready? lol. laugh out loud!we won! or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts, through all the blunders and misread signals,
through all of the pain and embarrassment, you never, ever gave up hope. erin mccarley: ♪ and save me ♪ neil: now that we are married... we're gonna move. we're gonna move. that's onething we're gonna do. another thingwe're gonna do is move a littlefurther away from-- baltimore?
your sisters. janine: i mean, everyone makes mistakes. i've started trying to figure out you know, what i wanna do,who i wanna be, you know? probably seems the wrong timeto do that, but why not?you know, why not? better later than never. i'm dating now. [man laughing]
man:what do you miss mostabout marriage? uh, have you been married? yes, i'm married. you are married? i am married. and what's your question? mary: we're heading there, is that fair? conor: it's moving fast. just on our way. i like him,i'll say that l word.
that's true, it doesstart with an l. yeah. i like her a lot,so... good, i'm glad. [mouthing] i love her. anna: you know, what i've been focusing my energy on is like a self-discovery, as opposed to dating. i don't know. maybe dating'sa little overrated. good friend of mine and i
are going to, um, indiafor a few months. we're going on a yoga retreat. alex: i really, genuinely, love this person-- he had asked me toco-host this party and i stayed after. and i was tryingto help you out because there was this girlwho would not leave. that girl.that tall girl. right. she was gross.[clears throat]
i was trying to-- she was-- come on. [the cure's "friday,i'm in love" playing] ♪ i don't care if monday's blue ♪ ♪ tuesday's gray and wednesday too ♪ ♪ thursday i don't care about you ♪ ♪ it's friday i'm in love ♪ ♪ monday you can fall apart ♪ ♪ tuesday, wednesday break my heart ♪
♪ oh, thursday doesn't even start ♪ ♪ saturday wait ♪ ♪ and sunday always comes too late ♪ ♪ but friday never hesitate ♪ ♪ i don't care if monday's black ♪ ♪ tuesday, wednesday heart attack ♪ ♪ thursday never looking back ♪ ♪ monday you can hold your head ♪ ♪ tuesday, wednesday stay in bed ♪
♪ oh, thursday watch the walls instead ♪ ♪ dressed up to the eyes it's a wonderful surprise ♪ ♪ to see your shoes and your spirits rise ♪ ♪ throwing out your frown and just smiling at the sound ♪ ♪ sleek as a sheik spinning round and round ♪ ♪ always take a big bite it's such a gorgeous sight ♪ ♪ to see you eat in the middle of the night ♪ ♪ you can never get enough enough of this stuff ♪ ♪ and i don't care if monday's blue ♪
♪ thursday doesn't even start ♪ ♪ doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo, doo ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh ♪