About : standard furniture online
Title : standard furniture online
standard furniture online
[ john legend's "save room"plays ] [ indistinct conversations ] ♪ pa-ya-pa-pa ♪ ♪ ba-da-da ♪ ♪ oh, come on ♪ ♪ save room for my love ♪ ♪ save roomfor a moment to be with me ♪ ♪ save a little,save a little for me ♪ oh, i'm so full.
you were right. i shouldn't have eatenall that bread. want to split a dessert? you okay?you seem a little off. yeah, i'm just trying to thinkabout what i want. yeah, me too. why don't you say itat the same time? one, two, three... i want a divorce.
crã¨me brã»lã©e. [ screaming ] [ babbles playfully ] you can't get away! [ clatters ] oh! it's okay.that's my fault. come on. let's get you to bedbefore your parents get home. no puppy eyes,you little maniac.
go brush your teeth. aren't you gonna sayanything? almost 25 yearsof marriage and you havenothing to say? robbie. hey, robbie,have you seen molly's homework? robbie:get -- get out! oh, my god. close the door! um...
okay, robbie, i'm really sorry,and i didn't see anything. okay,you're not talking, and you know that only makes metalk more, you know. but, i mean, m-maybethat's good, you know? 'cause maybei'll just say it. maybe -- maybe i'll justtell you i slept with someone. david lindhagen. from work. you met himat the christmas party.
the one with the -- please stop. the last personin the world that i'd want to hurtis you, cal. if you keep talking,i'm gonna get outta the car. but i think the factthat i did it, it just showshow broken we are. okay. how much --how much we really --
cal! oh, my god!cal! are you okay? i'll leave tonight.i'll sign whatever you want. just please stop talkingabout it. [ dog barks in distance ] ahh. i'm sorryyou had to see that. no, you know,i should have knocked.
[ sighs ] just for the record,i think about you while i do it. robbie -- i have this pictureof you and i look at itthe whole time. stop it. i love you, jessica. i am actually begging youto stop it. and i know you're 17,
and i knowi just turned 13, which is the same ageas your little brother, but soon our age differencewon't even matter. which is good, because i'm pretty sureyou're my soul mate. okay, um... listen, robbie -- [ door opens ] emily: we're home.
shit. hey. hey, mr. and mrs. weaver,how was -- oh, my god.uh, what happened? mrs. weaver saidshe wanted a divorce and i jumpedoutta the car. cal. well... honey --cal --
kids good?everybody good? dad? emily: oh. oh, hey, buddy.i didn't see ya standin' there. you're gettinga divorce? cal: well, yes. uh, so, uh, jess,did -- did molly get through dinner okay? yeah, yeah, she's --
you jumped outof a moving car? i did. i jumped outof a moving car. emily: did she fight youon broccoli? no, she didn't fight me. because she always fights meon broccoli. i'm sorry youhad to find out this way. i'm sorryyou jumped out of a car. i'm sorry if she fought youon the broccoli. it's okay.
i don't haveany money. uh, sweetheart?let's -- let's go to bed, okay? listen, why don't you grabyour coat. i'll drive you home. come on.come on, honey. all right. i don't care. i love him.i really do. and, giventhe opportunity... yes, i would havehis babies.
seriously? yeah. conan o'brien?you would do conan o'brien? oh, my god, yes. ew. friend to friend, ew. i don't know.your life is so pg-13. my life is not pg-13. oh, it so is.
no, it's not. yes, it is.you've never left l.a. you pass the bar and you'regonna be what, a patent lawyer? probably marriedto that human valium, richard. i just -- listen,i worry about you, is all. [ dance music plays ] so much potential andyou've resorted to fantasizing aboutconan "ginger junk" o'brien. he is funny.
he looks likea carrot, honey. jacob:who looks like a carrot? hi. who looks like a carrot? conan o'brien. my friend, um, hannah herethinks he's sexy. that's weird, becausei think that your friendhannah is really sexy. oh, my god.you did not just say that. how old are you?
what are you, a lawyer? yeah.a little bit. come on. i know. you are?is she? gonna be. don't you thinkyou're a little old to be usingcheesy pickup lines? objection.leading the witness.
[ chuckles ] wow, hannah, you're reallywearin' that dress likeyou're doin' it a favor. oh, god. that's a line. me sitting over therefor the past two hours not being able to take my eyesoff of you is a fact. i mean, there's lotsof beautiful women in this bar. your friend included.hi. i love you.
but i can't take my eyesoff of you. that's a fact.it's not a line. i find you very attractive. do you find me attractive? she does. i don't. you do.she does. yes, she does. i d--i don't.
you do. hannah,can i buy you a drink? no. you say no a lot,don't you? oh, boy. permission to approachthe bench? just come on. let me -- let me delivermy closing argument. sure. proceed.
hannah, we livein a physical world, right? uh-huh. and you'regoing to age, right? mm-hmm. i guarantee you this:you're never gonna regret going home with that guyfrom the bar that one time that was a total tomcatin the sack. but i can't guaranteethat you won't not regret it. that wasa double negative.
you're a double negative. okay. hannah,can i buy you a drink? mm? okay. it's -- you know what?it's time to go home. really? wow. that's forward of you,but okay. i'll do it. yeah. i tivo'd"saw iii." so should i get my car or yours?should i pull the car around?
have you been drinking?i'll drive. liz? liz: coming. ♪ ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh,ooh ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ there's a seasonin your eyes ♪ ♪ and a fever on your breath ♪ i'll have to call nanna. huh? no-- noth--
[ clears throat ] so stanford, huh? yes. good for you.that's great. i knowyour dad's really proud. yeah.yeah, he's... are you sure you're okay? david lindhagen.god. ♪ ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh ♪
♪ ooh ooh, ooh ♪ i'm sorry.sorry about that. um, mr. weaver? hmm? um,you're the nicest dad that i babysitof all the, um... you're really nice. that's very nice. and, um...
i like ms. weaver.i like her a lot. okay? but if shewants to divorce you, then i thinkshe's batshit crazy. sorry. [ chuckling ]okay. okay. i hope this doesn't make youuncomfortable. i've developed, like,a little crush -- could you do me a favor?
would you not mentionto your parents that mrs. weaver and iare, you know... it's something we wanna tellthem on our own, okay? yeah.no, it's -- thank you.i appreciate that. have a good night. [ indistinct singing ] man:another vodka cranberry? i'm sorry. what?
another vodka cranberry? oh, yeah.yes, thanks. i've been by this placea million times, never come in. it's nice,lotta pretty girls. hey, guess what. what? my wife is having intercoursewith someone who is not me. um, i'm sorryto hear that. oh, thank you.
that is very nice of you to say.very, very nice. she just told me. i justfound out, so i'm a little raw. it's -- it's -- ah, okay.well, you're not listening. [ snorts, breathes deeply ]okay. you wouldn't ignore meif i were david lindhagen. my wife doesn't ignoredavid lindhagen. she screws him. screws him.
[ laughter ] jacob:they make this, like, gurgling sound,it's like... [ laughs ] gay. [ indistinct conversations,telephone ringing ] hey, cal. cal: hey. hey, uh...
oh, i just, uh -- i got the, uh, reporton the end-a year financials. good. oh, good. good, good.really great. you killedthis, uh, quarter. cal, seriously. seriously. who told you that emily and iare getting divorced?
amy heard you cryin'in the bathroom. we all thoughtit was cancer. oh. [ laughing ]thank god, man! yeah,just my relationship. [ both laugh ] thank god! ho! "divorce." [ laughing ]
i'm so lucky. you are. i have to go pick outfurniture now. okay, okay.you go for it! it could've been cancer,buddy! hey, everyone,it's just a divorce! [ applause ] man:all right, buddy. thanks.feels good.
[ truck door clangs shut ] cal: [ sighs ] cal?i just wanted to say... can i back that thingoutta the driveway for ya? oh, no.i'll be fine. you have trouble in reverse,is all. when i get settled, the kids can come andtake a look at my new place. i think i'm havinga midlife crisis, maybe.
can women havemidlife crises? in the movies,it's always men having them and buying ridiculousyellow porsches but, you know,i'm not a man. fertilize. you've gotta be sureto fertilize all this. we got married so young,cal. and now i'm 44. and so much olderthan i thought i'd be.
there's a-a-a turnoff valvefor the sprinklers over there. you know, last week,you know when i told you that i had to work late,i really went to see the new "twilight" movieby myself. [ voice breaking ]i don't know why i did that. and it was so bad, cal. it keeps raining like this, you might wanna turn offthe automatic setting. and we haven't been us.not for a long time,
and i -- i don't knowwhen you and i stopped being us. i mean, do you? maybe it's whenyou screwed david lindhagen. [ engine turns over ] [ truck beeping ] [ late night alumni's"you can be the one" plays ] ♪ nobody wants to be alone ♪ ♪ the heart beats happywhen it has a place ♪ ♪ and if it doesn't havea home ♪
♪ it can come into my space ♪ ♪ so you can bethe one i love ♪ ♪ i can bethe one you long for ♪ ♪ you can be the one i want ♪ ♪ ohhh oh ♪ sorry i'm late. i had to picksomethin' up at macy's. oh, don't even worryabout it. chardonnay. i'm just gladyou're here.
[ exhales sharply ] wow. i don't know.i don't know what happened. tough couple of days. you know when you don't seesomething coming -- claire said i can't be friendswith you anymore. she said we had to choosebetween you and emily. i chose you. but she said no.
it's cologne. bernie? are you breaking upwith me, bernie? there's a gift receiptin there also. bernie. bernie! ♪ i can be the oneyou long for ♪ ♪ you can be the one... ♪ [ thievery corporation's "theheart's a lonely hunter" plays ] cal: you know a word thatis not used very often anymore?
"cuckold." i'm a cuckold. david lindhagencuckolded me. he made a cuckoldout of me. he slept with my wife!and i didn't know about it. and that is the definitionof cuckoldom. david lindhagen took my wifeand slept with her. aah! thought i dideverything right.
got married, had kids,the house. what do i get for it?i get cuckolded. david lindhagen cuckolded me.he made a cuckold out of me. jacob:[ whistles ] ♪ welcome to my spaceship ♪ ♪ it's beautiful forever ♪ can you give me five minuteswith this guy? ♪ and the heart'sa lonely hunter ♪ interesting.
great. hey.jacob palmer. cal weaver. let me buy you a drink,cal. thanks.i already have a drink. hey, cal, sit down.i'd like to buy you a drink. guess what. my wifeis having an affair with... ...david lindha-- david lindhagen.i know.
how do i know that? i don't know. i'm a total stranger.how would i know somethingso intimate about your wife? david lindhagen'sscrewing your wife too? [ laughs ]mm. do you want to knowwhy i know that, cal? [ coughs ]okay. because it's allthat i've heard, cal,for the past two nights. it's all anybody's heard.
you're going aroundand you're, like -- you're, like,badgering people with this sad sack losersob story and idon't understand why. you know,i don't need this crap. cal, sit down. look, i know thatit sounds harsh, but it's true. and you need to hearthe truth. cal, would you take that strawout of your mouth?
please. just for thisconvers-- do you knowwhat that looks like? it looks like you're suckingon a tiny schwantz. is that what you want? is that the messageyou want to send to everybody? no one's thinking that. so permissionto speak candidly, sir. i think you'vealready gone there. you're sitting therewith a supercuts haircut, you're getting drunk onwatered-down vodka cranberries
like a 14-year-old girl, and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearinga 42 regular. honestly, i don't knowif i should help you ori should euthanize you. cal,you got a kind face. you gota good head of hair. you seem like a nice guy. i wanna help you. i'm gonna help you rediscoveryour manhood.
do you have any idea, like,where you lost it? a strong casecould be made for 1984. ...we're gonna find it. we are.i promise you. and i promise you thistoo, cal: when we're done,this wife of yours, she's gonna rue the day she ever decidedto give up on you. that's my offer.
you in or you out? why are you doing this? maybe you remind meof someone. i'm in. hey, fancy face,you wanna go? century city mall, food court,3:00, thursday. after you, hon. good night, fancy face. she will rue the day.
set you guys upwith some snacks over here. tv's already on. [ burnham's "automatic"plays ] ah! you okay? mm. yeah.you? mm. can i tell you something? love sucks.
you in love, buddy? well, if you must know -- ding-dong. oh, hey, jess. thanks for coming by. hey. yeah. what is she doing here? guys, i have to step outfor a couple of minutes. okay? all right?okay.
your mom wants you to stay herewhile she's out hooking. oh, um, the placeis nice, mr. weaver. thanks. that'sa very generous adjective. honey -- but wait, i don't needa babysitter. she's only four years olderthan me. you need to know that. she needs to know that. i know.i know, i know, i know. man, are you growin' up.
look at him.it's unbelievable. he's in love already. ah. molly.say bye to daddy. wait, where are you going? i'm taking a class. that is great,mr. weaver. thank you. you know, this is a difficulttime for you, right?
and it's importantto try new things. even things that you haven'tconsidered trying before. mm-hmm. yep. molly, i'm goin'. okay. that's my princess.bye. thanks. no -- but wait.dad. bye. bye, guys.see you in a bit. hey...tiger.
♪ i don't knowwhy you make it so hard ♪ i love you so, so much. jeez, robbie. i love you so much.please? what the hell am i doing? what am i doing? richard:hey, uh, everybody. [ pounding on table ] everybody, uh...if i could --
thank you.uh, a little toast. i would like to thank you allfor coming to, uh, hannah banana'sgoodbye party. man:most welcome. and, uh,to my hannah banana. [ all laugh ] you go into your cave and you studyyour butt off. because if you do,
i just know that you aregonna kick that bar's butt... ...out of here. you know? you know, it reminds meof an old story my law professortold me about -- oh, dear god.cheers, everyone. cheers. oh, hey, liz. listen, um,when my girl here passes,
i'm gonna have anotherlittle celebration right here, and i hopeyou can make it, because it's gonna bea special night. [ indistinct singingin spanish ] did you hear that? hear what? you heard that? "special night"? yeah. yeah.
you thinkhe's gonna propose? at the el torito grill?god, i hope not. why? do you want him to? i don't know,he's nice. "he's ni--"? hannah. he's a sweetheart.look at him. he bcc'd you? right, yeah.
hannah, look at you.look at you. if you end up with that,what am i gonna end up with? shut up. that shit's depressing. oh, come on! all right.you know what? i have to --i have to not big sister you. it's fine if -- jesus, really?
no. no. not my life.not my life. i'm going.okay? so, uh, call meif you need anything. you are awful. bye. goodbye. thank you for coming. [ cellphone beeps,keys tapping ] [ woman vocalizing ] you're late.
yeah. sorry. sbarro's? no, thanks. let me ask youa question, cal. how much money you got todayfor clothes? um, how's that? what happened to your feet? what do you mean? these are my 407s.
oh, they're 407s. can i see them? these offera lot of support. right. whoa! come on! [ woman screams ] man: whoa! what, are youin a fraternity? are you insane?
are youin a fraternity? you could have hit somebody.what was that? are you? i'm asking you a question.you in a fraternity? are you steve jobs? hold on a second. are you the billionaire ownerof apple computers? oh. okay.well, in that case, you got no right to wearnew balance sneakers ever.
mm. ah. okay. all right. one of the best partsabout being a guy your age and, frankly,there aren't many, so you should really takefull advantage of it... ...is that you can rebuildyour entire wardrobe with, like, 16 items. credit card. [ velcro ripping ]
you see, the problemis that your head has, like -- like, the proportions of,like, a styrofoam peanut. [ beeps ] the skin under your eyes is starting to looklike hugh hefner's ball sac. it does. where are your wallets? i think i'm setfor jeans. no, you're not setfor jeans, cal.
these are fine. they're not fine. you have a mom butt.is that what you want? why don'twe just go to the gap? you know what,they have a s-- okay. what are you doing? cal, be betterthan the gap. be better than the gap. say it.
i'm better than the gap. god. stop slapping me.really. you're beautiful. he likesto slap me in the face. what are you doinglater? i do. do you? i know exactlywhat you're doing. seriously? seriously?you ask her out like that?
and that worked? feelin' kinda stupid,but... wow.look at you. feel likei'm going skiing. would you sleepwith him? jesus! god! yeah, probably. you wha--? you would?
[ laughing ]that's -- what? what are you even saying? you seewhat just happened, cal? soon as you opened your mouth,tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to sleepwith you or not. that's probably the meanestthing anyone's ever said to me. no.this is. your wife cheated on youbecause you lost sight of who you are as a man,as a husband
and probablyas a lover. you're right,that's meaner. so let's talk abouthow many women you've been with. sexually? no. i meanbreakdance fighting. one. no. not at one time.[ chuckles ] not -- how many total? don't say it.don't say it.
we metin high school, okay? oh, boy.you're kidding me. one woman?that's great. emily is beautiful. i guess. she was gorgeous. she was one of those womenthat could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cuteall at the same time. we had a little blipsenior year, but --
i literally stopped listeningat "emily." i think we should startapproaching women tonight. are you ready to go? i miss my wife. [ indistinct conversations,mid-tempo music plays ] how are you? good.how are you? i'm great. i'm jacob.what's your name? i'm amy johnson.
amy johnson. i'm jacob palmer.how you doing? i'm cal. no.not yet. sorry. amy,can i buy you a drink? would you keep her companyfor a minute? of course. i'd be happy to. if he gets handsy,let me know.
i wouldn't touch youif my life depended on it. uh...what was your name? no relationto dennis weaver. uh... "mccloud." "mccloud" was a showin the seventies that -- you're not talkingabout "mccloud" again, are you? thank you.[ clears throat ] here we go, huh?to all of our fallen homeys.
well, i'm the fourthof five sisters. no. that's --that's boring. not for your sisters,but for my purposes it is. it's not gonna work. i have this friend. and he thinks that you're waytoo pretty to be interesting, and that's hogwash. all right.you wanna get out of here? uh, sure.
giddyup. am i boring you?i'm totally boring you. i'm just, like -- how are you doingthis, like, wildly sexy but unbelievably cute thingthat you're doing? it's weird. you wanna get outof here? cool. so molly, who was 6 at the time,can't find mr. bobo.
we're looking all over. it's in the kitchen. mr. bobo was in the kitchenthe whole time. wanna getout of here? let's get outta here. absolutely. [ motor whirring ] [ rapid beeping ] got a second?
oh. hey, david. no. 'cause i'm --i'm swamped. you've beenavoiding me. no. i haven't. you ranin the other direction when you saw me comingdown the hall yesterday. you're very fast,by the way. i ran trackin high school. that must be it.
hey, listen, uh... i'm sorryabout you and cal. no, you're not. no, i'm not. i like you, emily. do you have any ideahow much i like you? hey, david, you know,i really have a lot to do. i-i-i had no intentionof falling for a married woman, but all of a suddenwe're havin' lunch,
and i'm -- i'm -- i'mthis accountant who's wakin' up every morningexcited to go to work. and that just does not happenfor accountants. ever. i-i-i checkedwith other accountants. david, you know what? you've been a great friend, and you noticed last monthwhen i got my hair trimmed, and that was huge. but look, trust me.
you know, i am saving youfrom disaster, because you're askingto pre-board the titanic. do you really wantany part of this? do i really wantany part of this? [ knock on door ] emily? your report's ready. ms. tafferty:okay, people. here it is. "the scarlet letter," by nathaniel hawthorne.
a romance set in salemin the 1600s. it is about sin. [ cellphone beeps ] forced to wearthe scarlet "a" to punishher adulterous behavior. dimmesdale's "a"is inflicted upon himself in the form of a -- mr. weaver. are we interrupting?
[ sighs ] you want to talkabout "the scarlet letter," ms. tafferty? well, the "a"they're both wearing -- i thinkit stands for "asshole." wanna know why? because they fell in love, and loveis for stupid assholes. and this book is justabout a bunch of assholes who fell in love,like assholes,
then had to die,like assholes. i'm sorry aboutall the "assholes." woman: you know what elsemight work? a swear jar. you know,a quarter per curse word. yeah, we'lldefinitely try that. all right.could help. take care. thanks. hey, i have to go backto the office.
you're gonna have to waitfor me there. fine. they're still making kids read"the scarlet letter," huh? yep. you'd think somebody would have writtensomething better by now. [ telephone rings ] [ wheels clacking ] i guess i should takethat down, huh?
so how is he? you know.i mean, i -- oh, no. i'm sorry.forget it. just ignore me. forget i ever -- he's going out a lot. a lot? like... like "a lot" a lot,or just, like, a l-- a little? a lot. well, that's good.
that's --that's really good. wanna get takeouttonight, honey? i mean, he's sad. i can tell that he's sadeven though he looks better. i can still... tell that he's not...happy, you know? well, you know.yeah. i guessi'm pretty sad too. i heard you crying inyour bedroom the other night.
didn't know what to do. oh, robbie.baby, you're 13. you're not supposed to knowwhat to do. i tried googling it. you did not. yep. i did. well,what did you google? i searched"mom crying in bed." w-what did google say?
just a bunch of weird videosof moms in bed. ugh!oh, god. okay. all right, that's enough.no more. ugh! do those parental controlswork at all? they work for me. [ laughing ] because you'rea disgusting teenager. that's why. david: hey.
oh, hey. bill wants to see youbefore you take off. oh. uh, david,this is my son, robbie. robbie, this is david. um, we work together. how you doing, buddy? you all right to waita little bit? thanks, david. so, robbie,
i hear you'requite the soccer player. so, david, i hear you broke upmy parents' marriage. you aredavid lindhagen, right? lindhagen. yeah. here's the thing,lindhagen. hagen. whatever. in the end, she winds upback with my dad.
h-he's a better guy than you arein every category. and she still loves him. he's not gonna give upon my mom, just like i'm not gonna stopsending jessica text messages that make her feeluncomfortable. hey.you ready to go, honey? mommy, can we order chinesefor dinner tonight? yeah.sure, honey. david.
get your stuff. bye, david. see you. you're not gonna be able to feelyour arms in the morning. i'll be fine. jesus christ. look, let's face it, cal.all right? the war between the sexesis over, and we won, okay? we won the second
women started doingpole dancing for exercise. but even though we won,they still deserve our respect. you know, we make 'emfeel beautiful, actually listento their problems, open the door for them. god, would you put onsome clothes, please? oh, i'm sorry,is this bothering you? cal, my schwantz is in your facefor 20 minutes. if it's not bothering you,we got a bigger problem.
okay, it bothers me. you gotta take controlof your manhood, pal. you know? you want something,you take it. you don't like something,you say it. i take what i want. david lindhagen, he certainly tookwhat he wanted, didn't he? and i can guarantee youthis: he is opening the car doorfor your wife right now.
what are you,passing out? [ bamboos' "on the sly" plays ] i know, i know! i think you're ready, pal. for what? to talk to a pretty lady, and take her homeand show her your gift. no.no, i'm not. you're as readyas you're ever gonna be.
you playyour strengths, pal. that's allany of us can do. i'm mysterious. i'm...you know, good in bed. and you're -- you are a... uh, you know,stable and employed adult. jesus. you see this -- this ladyover here at nine o'clock?
you want me tohit on her? no, i wanna hit on her.the one behind her. she's a total fox,right? you think she came toa crowded bar to havea quiet drink alone? she's hunting. she's just lookingfor an opportunity to settle fora responsible and stable adult. and i'd like herto settle for you. oh, well, thank you for the egoboost, but you know what?
just becausei've watched you pick up women doesn't mean that i knowhow to pick up women. you ever see"karate kid"? what does that have to dowith anything? you know when he's teachingthe "wax on and off" but he's really teaching himto fight? you want me tofight someone? what's the first thing i dowhen i go up to a girl? i buy her a drink.
yes, always. without fail.you buy her a drink. even if she doesn't want one,you insist. and do i talkabout myself? never. never talk about yourself,always about her. because bar banter...? is boring. it's the worst.
so you put the impetuson her. she has to bethe interesting one. "impress me. impress mewith how interesting you are." it's a big game.game. creepy, creepy little gameyou play. aw, that's judgmental,isn't it? at the end of the night,what do i do? do i ask themto come home with me? no, you tell 'emto come home with you.
they have no choicein the matter. it is your choiceand they are so overjoyed to have hadthe opportunity to make sweet, sweet loveto you. you did,you miyagi'd me. honk. take your ring off.let's go. just no talkingabout your kids, your job. david lindhagen,don't you dare.
shut up, shut up, shut up.just shut up. hello. hi. hi. who are you? hey. i'm kate. hey, kate, you mindif i introduce you to my -- i got this. pleased to meet you. and this is my friendjacob.
he was just leaving. so that's -- that's one wayto treat people. so can i buy you a drink,kate? oh, uh, no, thank you. i'm gonna buy you a drinkanyway. grey goose, right? rocks.two limes? i'm five years sober. what can i get for you?
nothing. nothing. go away, we're good.please don't come back ever. [ clears throat ]so, what do you do, cal? i don't know.what do you do, kate? i asked you first. i asked you second. seriously,what do -- what do you do? seriously,what do you do? are you really notgoing to tell me what you do?
uh, okay,i'm a teacher. boring. come on. you gotta keep itinteresting. interest me. uh, i studied at oxforduniversity for five years. boring. wow. teacher withan alcohol dependency who studied at oxford. blah, blah, blah,blah, bleeeh.
england. yuck. you know, i thinkmy friends just got here. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry,i'm sorry, i'm sorry. okay, you know what?i'm in corporate insurance. i have children,plural. and my wife was cheating on mewith david lindhagen, which i wasn't supposedto tell you about either but i did.nice to meet you. what were you supposedto tell me?
i don't know.i don't know. i was supposed to say thatyou are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually somethingthat i used to say to my wife. but nowit's become corrupted. and i have 18 layersof clothes on. i'm wearing a shirt and a tie,and a sweater and a suede jacketthat just seals in all the heat. seals in all the juices.
i'm just --it's all sweat under here. this is just sweatfrom here down. i'm -- this -- this sweater,this is called "slim cut," but it feelslike a scuba suit. and i'm looking at your breasts.what's that about? you think i'm the perfectcombination of sexy and cute? that's what you picked upfrom what i just said? ooh! [ both moaning ]
so thisis my crappy apartment. [ keys jingle ] dumpy. that i had to move intoafter my wife left me. i love how you're beingso honest. you like that? it's so different.it's so hot! okay. okay. wow! wow!
more. you wanna hear something elsethat's really hot? i've only had sexwith one woman. in my entire life. honest or not honest? that's honest. more!tell me more. i'm a little worriedyou have aids. just a little.just -- just a little bit.
it's okay,i'm not worried. [ both babbling ] oh, my god,this is so much fun! what do you wanna dowith me? oh! i wanna show you offto my ex-wife and make herreally jealous. [ both screaming ] cal: whoa, man! [ breathes deeply ]
you gonna call me? [ goldfrapp's "ooh la la"plays ] ♪ i need la la la la la la ♪ ♪ i need ooh la la la la ♪ that is a great dress.where'd you get that? thank you.a store in beverly hills. really?beautiful. it was a giftfrom my grandmother. yeah. it's a kruggerand.it's from south africa.
i love it. ♪ teasing your poetry ♪ ♪ switch me on ♪ and i told himnever to assume anything. and i've been to maine,so that's a sixth state. so i've beento six states. oh, i love maine. oh, yeah, it's beautiful. have you beento waterville?
i have, yeah. oh, yeah. i just love the warmer sandin south... greece, italy. greece, italy? wanna get outta here? you're driving. i am. i have never experienced thatbefore in my life.
it's pretty great. are most women like thatthese days? god bless technology. god bless it. dude, i went and met this girlthe other night. she was, like, heckling methe whole time we were -- i felt like i was, you know,doing it with the two old guysfrom "the muppet show." [ chuckles ]statler and waldorf.
i was, like, into it,you know? and she was like, "lookat this frown on your face." "what is that?you're so serious. "what, it's serious to kiss me?it's supposed to be fun. "oh, my god,if it's gonna be hard work. why don't you just stop?" you're terrible. [ cellphone ringing ] hannah: hello?
hot guy from the barwho hit on you is here. liz, i'm studying. you should be studyingthe ceiling of his bedroomis what you should be studying. i am eatinga caramel apple. in what world, honey? please, turn around.no. come on, take a break. it'll be good for youto get out. and by get out,i mean have hot guy from the bar
knock you into his headboarduntil you see god. what is wrong with you? you should be studyingthe gentle curve of his co-- okay, goodbye, liz. that too much?hello? bernie: look, i gave himthe cologne like you told me to, and i don't think we shouldreally just dance on his grave. claire: okay, okay.i just thought you'd wanna know what i heardabout your old pal cal.
what about mr. weaver,mom? um...just, apparently, mr. weaver has becomea real ladies' man. claire. she should know.she babysits for him. she's almost an adult. lots of young womenin and out of his apartment. claire,she's too young for this. i don't like this s-e-x talkin front of the k-i-d-s.
sweetheart, first of all,they can spell. second of all,i'm just saying i think we were rightin choosing emily. [ school bell rings ] ooh! um... why are youfollowing me? madison, i just hada question for you. okay, jessica, what's up? it's kind ofon the personal side.
yep, my lips are...[ imitates seal barking ] seals.my lips are seals. okay.um, so my question, and i don't meanto be blunt or insulting, but let's just call itwhat it is. you're always sleepingwith older guys, right? always. oh, um... so my question for you, madison,is, um, how do you do that?
i mean, like,how do you get them to see you as not just a kidin high school, you know? but, like, as someonethat's mature, and that's old,and that's... well, first off, i have a huge rack. uh, yes, you do. you don'thave a huge rack. wait, how old is he?
old. like really old? [ clears throat ]like parent old. nasty, jessica! yeah, 'cause that'swhat i was thinking, right? oh, go--rock on. you're s--you are so dirty. yes, i know. oh, okay.
you gotta force his hand.you know what i mean? go tmz on his ass. not following. a dirty picture. oh. oh. make this face. [ moans ] jeez, madison.s-stop. you put that on his radarand he won't see you
as a little girl anymore,that's for sure. [ door opens, closes ] 'ey, what's goin' on? hey.we don't know. robbie: behold. jessica riley,you are my soul mate. the love of my life. i have marked myselfwith a scarlet j for you, jessica.
robbie,get down from there. nathaniel hawthorne wrotein "the scarlet letter" -- robbie weaver,i am your babysitter... are you mad? ...and i am telling youto get down! [ laughter continues ] what the hellare you thinking? you like the scaffold? took me like four weeksto make it. it has wheels.
this has got to stop,robbie. you'll learn to love me,i promise. no, i won't. just 'cause i'm four yearsyounger than you? because i lovesomebody else. who is he? he's older. and i didn't want my parentsto find out. you know i'll kill himif he hurts you.
yeah, i know. okay, robbie,this has to stop. okay? no more. grow up.i'll see you around. ♪ disconnect all loops ♪ ♪ reasons and to do lists ♪ ♪ breathing without rules ♪ [ birds chirping ] ♪ shifting thoughts of flight ♪
♪ skin and colored waves ♪ [ engine revving ] [ exhales sharply, sighs ] [ rustling ] [ grunting ] [ branch snapping ] [ talking heads' "this mustbe the place (naive melody)"plays ] ♪ home is where i want to be ♪ ♪ pick me up and turn me round ♪
♪ i feel numb ♪ ♪ burn with a weak heart ♪ ♪ guess i must be having fun ♪ ♪ the less we say about itthe better ♪ ♪ make -- ♪ [ dogs barking ] so you're, uh,seein' mom tomorrow at my parent-teacherthing. yeah, no biggie.
what's withall the moping? uh, nothing. it's just... there's a girl. a girl, huh? you like her? i like pringles. i mean, this girl... she's incredible.
she's my soul mate,you know? she doesn't even care. but she'syour soul mate, right? well, you justdon't give up on her, right? why not?you did. i didn't give up. 'kay, it's more complicatedthan that. it...i'm a different guy now. you're not a different guy.you just have different clothes.
it's not that simple,kiddo. what kinda crap is that? watch it. either you love heror you don't, and i know you do. i'm serious, dad. i just need some inspirationright now. all right?go get her back. wow.how old are you? wow. [ sighs ]
you look great, cal. oh. [ chuckles ] well, it turns out i've beenbuying the wrong size suit for, like,20 years, so... oh, well, whatever. you, um...you look great. thanks.you always look great. oh, thanks. [ sniffs ]
so i spoke to nannayesterday. oh, yeah, me too.how'd she sound to you? um, like nanna. she worries about us. what teacher is this? ms. tafferty. she's the one he pulled the "scarlet letter"asshole routine on. god,he's such a weird kid.
i kinda like him, though. mm. yeah, me too. glad we switched babiesat the hospital. me too. that other one'sin jail, probably. how -- so how's it goingwith david? oh, you know,it, um... it wasn't, um...
that -- i-it...didn't mean anything. i mean,you know, if, um... no, i know. you seeing anybody? me? mm-mm. oh, you know. well, you hear things,you know, so...
no. no. not real-- you know me. yeah, well... no. i miss you, em. i made an effort whenwe were younger, didn't i? i mean, miniature golfand dancing. you weresuch a great dancer. i had to be.
you were such a goodminiature golfer. i just -- i don't know. i guess i got lazy. i got... i got boringis what i got. no. no. and i'm so mad at you. i'm really mad at youfor what you did. but i'm mad at myself too.
'cause i should not havejumped outta that car. i should've foughtfor you. 'cause you fightfor your soul mates. least, that's what my13-year-old son tells me. he's a really strange kid. he scares the shitoutta me. i miss you too. mr. and mrs. weaver? no way in hell.[ chuckles ]
cal.what are you doing here? oh, you twoknow each other? yes. yeah, right. we've met before, yes. "we have met before"?seriously? so i'd like to introduce youto my wife, emily. hi, i'm robbie's mom. she's your wife again. how convenient.
so shall we... enter? why don't we? yeah, let's do that. [ door scrapes, creaks ] i'm, uh...i'm sorry.i'm -- i'm playing catch-up. how do you twoknow each other, exactly? huh...um... maybe your husbandshould tell you.
we -- i think we metat last year's... parent-teacher conference,wasn't it? [ laughs sarcastically ] did i miss it? did i miss the parent-teacherconference thing last year? is that it? yeah. i don't remember. why don't we just, uh --
why don't we focuson robbie? yes, let's do that. let's... let's focus on robbie. as you know, robbie'sshining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing inan eighth-grade english class. asshole. [ chuckles ] you're familiar with this word,mrs. weaver.
yes, i am. and i've spokento principal... about -- asshole. as in, someone whotells a woman that he'll call and never does. asshole. as in,someone who uses honesty to get a womaninto bed with him, but is actually full of shitlike the rest of them. uh, this is notabout robbie.
as in,someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutesbecause he's nervous. eww. all right. all right, all right,all right, all right. eww. eww. you know what?you know what? no. here's the deal. she's an alcoholic. oh, god. okay.
you know -- you know what?i'm sorry. emily:i gotta go. i'm sorry. oh, my god. emily.god! emily. emily, wait. leave me alone, cal. i'm sober five years,asshole! oh, dear.
okay, yeah, i did. i did. i slept with our son'seighth-grade english teacher. i-i know. i know. and i-i cheated, so i haveno right to be angry so... that's not the point. look, when we werefirst married, you were the only womanthat i had ever slept with and now i have had sex withnine different women -- god!
nine?! wow! you showed me. [ thunder rumbles ] [ sighs ] i wasn'ttrying to show you. i was trying to move on. but i don't want to. you've always beenthe only one. tell her she'sthe perfect combination
of sexy and cute,asshole. you said that to her? i did, yes. [ car door opens ] [ exhales sharply ]i'm your soul mate. what a clichã©. richard: you, get over here.come on. yeah, yeah, give it up.give it up for her. i'm so proud of you,baby.
i had my doubts,of course. now, hannah,i, uh, i did tell you that tonight would be a specialnight if you passed the bar. so, hannah,i would like... ...to formally ask you in front of all our friendsand colleagues if you would liketo become... a permanent lawyer at the firm of watkins,goldberg and schmidt?
huh? how about that? [ laughs ] to you. whoo! i ju--um... what, what is it? [ clicks tongue ] i thought that youwere gonna propose... for some reason. [ both chuckle ]
yeah. i know. i'm just -- it -- it's just, um,i'm a little thrown. you know, i'm -- i-i didn't realizethat you thought that we were...there. oh, no. god, no.don't be silly. i just, um -- um... i need some time, i think,
to figure out how i feelabout us, you know? brp! long term. you need some time? you need some time to figureout how you feel about us? honey? wow. [ laughs ] huh. this is actuallyreally funny. i'm just --next level.
is this yours? man: yes. is this yours? mm. is this gin? ah. there's, like,no water in that. mm! babe. i hate gin.[ inhales sharply ] wow. you know what?
thank you, richard. honestly, thank you very muchfor your job offer. i will consider it. [ ice crunches ] hannah banana! banana! banana! [ dead weather's"i can't hear you" plays ] ♪ i can't hear you ♪ jacob: yeah.
it's nicer that way.right? hannah: you! ♪ it don't workon no one else ♪ ♪ i'm gonna teach you ♪ ♪ and keep you for myself ♪ ♪ i'm gonnatake you by the hand ♪ ♪ i'm gonnawalk you to my house ♪ ♪ so i can hear you ♪ do you remember me?
you stillfind me attractive? still wannatake me home? let's go. ♪ there're rubiesup your sleeve ♪ ♪ you're never gonna leave ♪ [ doris troy's"just one look" plays ] ♪ just one look and i fell so hard ♪ here. i really like this song.
this was a good choice. right? good song. you never hear this song. love this song. ha! [ high-pitchedchuckle ] [ glasses clink ] that's not my drink.
ah. ahh. it's not my favorite. ♪ ...mine forever and always ♪ so is thishow it normally works? you know, you, like -- you put on the perfect song,you make them a drink. and thenyou sleep together. i'm very nervous. i'm getting that.
okay. 'cause i know i seemedconfident back at the bar, but that was, um -- that was mostly just becausei was cold and wet and trying to be dramatica little bit. you're adorable. i am sexy. i am r-rated sexy. okay, i know what happensin the pg-13 version of tonight, all right?i know.
it's that i get --i get really drunk and then i pass outand you cover me with a blanket and you kiss me on the cheekand nothing happens. but that's notwhy i'm here. i am here to bang the hot guythat hit on me at the bar. jacob. are peoplestill saying "bang"? oh, i do. we are gonna bang.hmm?
this is happening. take off your shirt. why? please, will youtake off your shirt? 'cause i can'tstop thinking. and i need you to just... okay, okay, okay, okay. all right,okay, okay, okay. okay, okay.
fuck! seriously? it's likeyou're photoshopped. can i? you have cold hands. now you take offyour dress. no way. not with all that goin' on.no, thank you. is there dim lightingsomewhere? oh, god. okay,so then what do we do?
what happens now?like, logistically? what's your move? what do you mean,what's my move? what's your move?like, what's your big move? i got lots of moves. what's your big move? i'm not tellin' youmy big move. tell me your move! you're not readyfor the big move.
yes, i am.i want your big move. you can't handlethe big move, trust me. tell me your big move! i work "dirty dancing"into the conversation. "dirty dancing"? can i sit down, please? can iput back on my shirt? why "dirty dancing"? what do we do?do we watch it?
you know the big moveat the end of "dirty dancing" where patrick swayzepicks up jennifer grey? i can do that. so i tell girlsi can do the move. i put on the song:"time of your life." i do the big move. and they alwayswanna have sex with me. [ laughing ] oh, my god. that's the most ridiculous thingi've ever heard.
i agree.but it works every time. that would notwork on me. [ "the time of my life" plays ] oh, god,this is ridiculous. i don't wanna do it. this is beyond ridiculous. run and jump. yeah. come on. no, thank you.
thank god i'm drunk.here we go. ♪ and i owe it all to you ♪ ♪ 'cause i've had the time of my life ♪ aah! ahh! ♪ i've been waiting for so long ♪ ♪ now i've finally found someone to stand by me ♪ ♪ we saw the writing on the wall ♪ so do you prefer to do it hereor in the bedroom? the bedroomis preferred.
mm-hmm. yeah, okay. let's go there. this pillow... forms perfectlyto the shape of my head. [ grunts softly ] is this one of thosefoam pillows from brookstone? [ sighs disgustedly ] yeah? i always wonderedwho buys those kind of --
the hot guyfrom the bar buys these. mm-hmm. jacob. sorry about that. hm. i'm sorry, continue. you don't have oneof those ridiculous, um... those massage chairs,do you? [ scoffs ] [ chuckling ] you do? yes, you do.
yeah, i do. you --[ laughing ] oh, my god. i don't. i don't.i do. who would have that?i would. i have that. how much was it? $5,000. ask me how many timesi've used it. how many timeshave you used it? twice.
that's $2,500 a massage. where is it? it's in the garage. can i sitin the massage chair? [ chair vibrating ] i hate it. the home shopping network. but i'm addic-- i buy --i buy -- i'm just the worst. do you have a slap chop?
do you have the knifethat cuts through the penny? what else do you have? coin bears. [ laughing ] coin bears?you don't have coin bears. i have a whole set of coin bearsfrom each state. you have 50 coin bears? yeah, they all have a rare coinin their foot. you stay up nights! i am wildly unhappy.
i'm trying to buy it,and it's not working. were you smart in school? a little bossy, yeah. but i'd won, um,a spelling bee and my dad criedat the spelling bee. that's nice. yeah, it was. what word did you win on? it was so stupid.
[ imitating lauren bacall ]i love curling up with a richcup of coffee. what, you think coffeeand sleep don't mix? well, they doif it's high point. it's decaffeinated. and the flavoris marvelous. do you have that -- that moldthat makes cakes look -- [ laughing ]i have calf pants. i have -- i have pantsjust for my calves.
calf pants. [ snorts ] will you do me a kindness? [ inhales sharply ] will you ask me... ...something personalabout myself? hm. okay, fine. i'll do it.and then we bang. yes!
what's your mother like? my mom... is very beautiful. um, very vain, very smart, cold. and your dad? [exhales sharply]he died a long time ago. he was such a sweet guy. he was probably too sweet.
very successfulin business. he had madea lot of money, which is why i have...all this stuff. but he was soft. and i had time to -- to tryand make more sense of it. just too soft -- too --too -- too sensitive. and, uh, you know, dad, he c-couldn't reallyhandle my mother and didn't reallymake an effort.
[ answering machine beeps ] hey, jacob, it's cal. where are ya? remember the, um, first woman i picked up, that teacher? well, i have a story to tell you about her. call me. hey, it's been a week. i haven't heard from you. should i be concerned? i am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women. call me.
oh, yeah, hey, it's me again. left like a hundred messages. listen, if this is a miyagithing, i'm not gettin' it, so... call me back, please.thanks. [ cellphone vibrating ] david: been to st. louis? emily: no, i haven't. yeah, well, you know,i always dreamt of playing shortstop for thest. louis cardinals, actually,
but i-i couldn't reallyhit a curve ball, so i didthe next best thing. yeah,you became an accountant. right. exactly. i mean,the money's not as good, but there's less travel,so it's... i was gonna bea ballerina. so tell me, what is itwith women and ballerinas? i mean, i just pictured myselfin the ballet.
you know, i mean, it's not likei had a lot of training or anything, you know. i mean, i actuallynever really had a lesson and, um, haven't --haven't seen a ballet. you've neverbeen to the ballet? i would loveto take you to the ballet. you'd loveto go to the ballet? no, no, i didn't say that. i said i'd love to take youto the ballet.
i would just drop you off and then later oni'd pick you up and we could goto a ball game or something. [ laughing ]oh, i get it. i had a lot of funtonight. hey, do you like sushi? 'cause i know this really greatlittle sushi place... i don't eat sushi. ...that we're never gonnago to because i hate sushi.
oh, hi.hi, jess. uh, this is my work friend,david. david is an accountant. uh, david, this is jessica,my babysitter. so, you know,everything looks great. spreadsheets. see you at work. yeah, see you at work. so how was dinner?
oh, well, you know,it was just for work. yeah.that's a really pretty dress. thank you.um, what do i owe you? do you know that your kids arethe only ones that i babysit for that wanna stay awake so that they can seetheir dad when he gets home? yeah, i mean, they fightwith everything they have to keep their eyes open. and don't get me wrong,your kids --
no, your kidsare really excited to see you when you get home too,ms. weaver, but, um, not a lotwanna stay up for dad. honey, what are youtrying to say? batshit crazy. jessica,uh, what -- what -- well, sweetheart,let me give you -- i don't wantyour slutty money! sw-sweetheart,wh-what's the pro--
what's wrong? "slutty money"? [ say hi's "oh oh oh ohoh oh oh oh" plays ] ♪ she's pushing 5'6" ♪ ♪ in her saucony kicks ♪ ♪ she's got lips like a sofa ♪ ♪ and she's strawing downa soda ♪ ♪ if the devil was a girl ♪ ♪ and she wore a yellow tee ♪
♪ it would be a spitting image ♪ ♪ but that's okay with me ♪ ♪ she says, "i've got somethingi think i really wanna tell ya ♪ [ camera shutter clicks ] ♪ "i got something i thinki really wanna show ya ♪ ♪ i've got something i thinki really wanna do right now" ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ she bought a 7-inch ♪ ♪ it was pressed on white ♪
♪ it was "randy describedeternity" ♪ [ doorbell rings ] [ dog barking ] emily: kids. kids! ice cream! easy, easy, easy.you'll fall down. molly:i was on my computer. i knew it.i knew it.
yeah.i'll be right back. well, you have to eatyour dessert before the... robbie:you're being weird. [ cellphone rings ] oh, shit!oh! oh, god! [ clears throat, sniffles ] [ beep ] hello? emily: hi, cal.
so...i'm... just calling, um, 'cause i'm in the basement, and, um, i'm trying to getthe water heater working, um, becausethe pilot light's out and i don't knowhow to relight it. so i'm -- i'm sorryto bother you. no, no. it's fine.that's fine. call me. i'm glad you calledabout this.
i'll just walk youthrough it, okay? all right,so, there's a gray door -- you see the gray door? okay,just slide that down. there's a red button withthe word "push" on it. i wrote the word "push"on it? so, you push it. and you turn itto the right. i got it.
and then just putthe match in. oh, there it goes. just have to slidethe gray door down again and you're good to go. well, thanks, cal.i appreciate your help. oh, you know what? just callanytime with stuff like that. that's... uh, yeah.oh...sure. so i'll talk to you soon.
yeah, and, um... ...thanks again. no, that's --my pleasure. don't want youto blow up the house. [ robbie and mollyspeaking indistinctly ] emily:no, i think it's ready. molly: dad, can we goto mcdonald's? cal: uh, no. why not?
cal: check it out. robbie: the only reasonthey play them on the radiois 'cause they're catchy. here you go, sir. thank you. thanks. it's nice. now, does it come in sheets --?uh, how -- how --? oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8.standard 4 by 8, you know,3/4" side. yeah. no, this isfor my wife. oh. that's nice.
molly:ooh, it has curtains. oh, hey, cal. cal: hey, bernie. robbie and molly:hi, mr. riley. how's it goin'? oh, good. you know what,i'd love to catch up but i'm doin' somethingto the old house later. kind of in a rush. thanks for the cologne.
do you knowif this is chintz? cal. jacob. cal:oh, my god, it's alive. hey, sorry i kinda droppedoff the grid there, pal. you left me in my hour of need,my friend. yeah, well, i'm -- i'm in a bitof a situation. a pickle, if you will. hm?
i just --i got no one else to call. i met a girl. oh, really? i'm spending all this time withher and she is a game changer. she's a game changer?no way. so much so i'm going to meether mother right now. a mother and a daughter. that's verywilt chamberlain-esque,even for you. what is the matterwith you?
i don't know what to do.i need some advice. you realize you mightactually have to answer some personal questionsabout yourself? you gotta smile a lot.you've gotta be charming. definitelydon't be yourself. that's what you've got for me,don't be myself? [ chuckles ] thank--thanks for nothin'. do you wanna get a --
do you wanna get a beernext week? you have my number. and, you know, don't worryabout tonight. you'll be fine. good for you, by the way. see you, buddy. [ receiver clicks ] you gottaget that fixed. [ breathes deeply ]va-jay-jay? sportscaster #1 on tv: get out of this fourth inning with just one run in.
sportscaster #2: he's right on the verge there of a big hit, you know, knockin' him out of the game here eventually. he's staying in there, showing very competitive today. got a chance if he gets there. gives up those single numbers on the board instead of putting a crooked number on that scoreboard. no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no. daddy, daddy!daddy, daddy! no, no, no, leave him.let him go. he can handle it.
let him go. honey!what are you-- get out of my purse.stay out of my purse! no! sweetie!do not take those keys! do not take those keys!no, i'm not letting youtake those keys. you're not followingyour father! stop it! no! let your fatherhandle it. you're notto see that man again! that man is a pervert! stay out of it! no! is that pervertsexting you?!
hey, baby. what are you wearin'? dad's here.i have to blindfold you. why?what's he doin'? [ horn honking ] [ honking continues ] [ tires screeching ] [ gasps ] [ horns honking ]
hate this. bad! is this something that i'm gonnahave to clean up later? because i don't wanna -- mom, no!don't worry about it. honey, honey,i really can't see. mom, i got you. okay. two. right now we're on the ground.one more step. three.
three. yay.mom, no more steps. we're on the ground. robbie: mom, relax. 'kay. it's your husband,not al-qaeda. hi, em. can i take this offnow, please? nope, not yet. oh, what's this?
[ giggles ] i hear you,gigglepuss. do it. [ spandau ballet's "true" plays ] [ clears throat ]may i have your attention. many years ago, in the hallwayof woodside middle school, cal weaver saw emily boylefor the first time. cal, are you seriouslygonna do this in front of the kids?
robbie:if anything goes wrong, i'm supposed to take herupstairs and put the tv on loud. all right. well, we may as wellwait for your daughter. she's right here. emily: no, no, no. i mean our other daughter. nanna! hi, guys. emily: hi, sweetheart.
hannah:what's going on? oh, i don't know.some game. he won't let me takethis dumb blindfold off. cal? is that him? what are you doing here? what are you doing here? wait, do you guysknow each other? what's goin' on?
robbie: hey, nanna. hi, robbie. hey, nanna. hi, cutie. jacob, it's so niceto meet you. i've heard so many wonderfulthings about you from nanna. i'm sorry,what's a nanna? i'm a nanna. you know, i couldn't say hannahwhen i was little.
how do you know my dad? she couldn't say her hsat all. m'kay. i'm havingtrouble understandingwhat's going on right now. dad, this is, uh --this is jacob, my boyfriend. i was bringing him overto meet mom. no. no.no, no, no. emily: i wanna seethe boyfriend please. i can't breathe. can i take this off now?
cal, what are you do -- what are you doing with adaughter that's gr-grown-up? i was 17. that's why wehad to get married so young. that is somethingyou should have told me. you never wanted me to talkabout my children! um, i'm gonnago watch tv now. yeah. that's fine, honey.why don't you go do that? yeah. can i come? so you -- you guys, like,really know each other, then.
oh, screw it.this is ridiculous. oh, honey,he's really cute. no, he's not! that's sweet of you to --i mean, look at you. i mean, you're really a mother?i don't believe it. sister. all right, all right.let me get this straight.so you guys are a thing. you guys are a couple, right?you guys are together? yeah. yes. no way.break up right now.
daddy? please don'tcall him that. cal, that's notgonna happen. then i will mess you up! dad! jessica? bernie? aah! daddy, no! i let her babysit for you,you son of a bitch!
oh, my god! dad! bernie! she's only17 years old! daddy! what are youtalking about?! oh, god. oh, god. i have no idea what you'retalking about! tell me -- emily: bernie! jessica: daddy, no!
no, no, no,no, no, no! stop it! oh, g-- dad. jacob! oh, god! daddy! daddy, stop it!he didn't do anything! he doesn't even know! is your back okay? robbie: know what?!
know what?! is this some kind of a skit?because i'm lost. [ grunts ] ohh! no, no, no, no, no! whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa! daddy, daddy! he didn't evenknow that i'm in love with him! with who? with him!
are you pointing at me? you're pointing at him? she's pointing at him?oh. wait. my dad is the older guyyou've been seeing? i knew it! you-- he doesn't even knowabout the naked photos! what?! jessica! you made him nakedphotos? seriously?!
i'm gonna beat you untilyour brains fall out! timeout, timeout!hold on! hold on! but...i love her. jessica's the oneyou're in love with? david:excuse me, emily? you left your sweaterin my car the other night. i'm david lindhagen. david lindhagen? is this a bad time?
jacob! you know how much pain andsuffering you caused myfriend, you dumb son of a -- stay the hell awayfrom my daughter! cal -- you stay awayfrom my daughter! jessica: dad. i don't even know you! daddy.dad, just stop it. jacob:what are you grabbing?
[ all grunting ] oh! come o-- hannah:really? really? cal: let go of me!let go of me! stop it! stop it! [ police radio chatter ] officer huang: so... okay, wait. which one of youis lindhagen again? i'm just gonna write domesticdisturbance, all clear.
thank you, officer. just simmer down, okay? we all have arguments,but if you're gonnafight, just do it inside. keep it in the family,okay? i will kill you. now. [ car door closes ] honey... this guy is a lowlife.
he is a womanizer. that's ironic. hey. excuse me? i know him.i have witnessed him in action. and you are not to see himanymore. dad, i'm not gonna stopseeing him. okay. okay. well, then we havenothing more to talk about. cal, you're beingunreasonable. get the hellout of my house.
this is notyour house anymore. yeah! well, you made damn sure ofthat, didn't you, sweetheart? bye, nanna. bye, cutie. she's all yours, david. fantastic. nice. go big or go home,right, bud?
go home, dad. [ danger mouse & sparklehorse's"revenge" plays ] ♪ pain ♪ ♪ i guess it's a matterof sensation ♪ ♪ but somehow ♪ ♪ you have waysof avoiding it all ♪ ♪ in my mind ♪ ♪ i have shot you ♪ ♪ and stabbed youthrough your heart ♪
did you seethe headline today? hannah: what? it says, uh, thatyou should call your dad. no, it says "let's moveon child obesity." no, it doesn't.no, it's -- it's -- i'm not gonna call him. no, it saysyou really should. ♪ strange ♪ ♪ it seems likea character mutation ♪
[ school bell ringing ] ♪ i can't make myself ♪ ♪ to destroy upon command ♪ ♪ somehow forgiveness ♪ ♪ lets the evil make a loss ♪ can i get you another? what time is it? 2:30. in the afternoon.
"2:30" would have beensufficient, but thank you for the judgmentaltone, cocktail servant. i'm sorry -- sorry for being a dick. jacob:nice sweat suit. what do you want? uh, can i sit down? i don't know, can you? are we gonna...
be adults about this,or we gonna -- "are we gonna be adultsabout this?" it would mean a lot to meif we could talk. are you still seeingmy daughter? then i have nothingto say to you. been hangin' out herea lot? sometimes. you been missinga lot of work? i have a lotof vacation days.
you know what?you have a lot of nerve. do you wantto do your shot? she probably spit in it,so, no, thank you. your kids miss you, cal. you're hanging out with my kids?that's great. you can teach robbiehow to objectify women.he'll love that. you know it's his, uh, eighthgrade graduation next week. you gonna go to that? of course i'm going.
i just didn't know. you haven't really been around,so i just -- i don't think he knows,either. i haven't been aroundfor him? that's whatyou're telling me? well, you know what? he's notmy biggest fan right now. he thinksi stole his soul mate. he worships you, cal. is the parental advice over?because if so --
i'm in love with her. i love her. i don't know what i was doingbefore this. and i don't knowwhat to do about it. it's not somethingi can really...stop. you love her?you love hannah? tell me about it. tell me how muchyou love her. i'm just...
look, cal, it's not somethingthat i wanted, okay? it's not something i -- i lookedat people who were in love, and i thought the waythat they were behaving and the things thatthey were doing and saying, they just -- they appearedpathetic, honestly. and i spentall this time with you, and i'm tryin'to make you more like me and it turns outi just wanna be... ah, f-fu--
i-i need that drink. you gonna make me do this?i gotta really do this? i had hannahwhen i was 17. i taught herhow to ride a bike. i taught herhow to drive a car. and...i'm glad for you. i'm happy for you,that you've changed. i think it's fantastic... that you're a better man.
but i've seen too muchalready. i know. i know.i know too much. no, i know.i know! i know. and it's hannah. and she's too goodfor you. i agree. i'm never gonna give youmy approval. you're a good dad, cal. yep. yep. she spit.she spit in that.
guys, i need youto pay attention. do not cut the line. i need everyone to stayin your positions, okay? guys, check your ties. make sure everythingis nice and neat. ladies, when you're on stage,please cross your legs. mommy, look.robbie's name. cal:excuse me. is this open? how close?
maybe you --yeah, that's fine. good afternoon. welcome, parents,family and friends. we're so pleasedto have you here to celebratethis graduating class. and now, to introduceour first student speaker, our very own kate tafferty. she's pretty. our first speaker
is not onlythe class salutatorian but is also one of... the most spirited young men i've ever had the pleasureof teaching. ladies and gentlemen,robbie weaver. robbie! welcome, class of 2011. our time as middle schoolershas come to an end. we can't fight it anymore.we're getting old.
all my life i wanted to grow up. i wanted to grow older so people would take meseriously. it all sounded so good to me. growing up, getting a job, getting married. but... it's all a scam. and love?
that's the biggest scam of all. i was in love. and i know that makessome of you laugh 'cause i'm only 13,but whatever. i was. and i used to thinkand really believe that there was one true lovefor everyone, and if you fought hard enoughfor that person, your one true lovewould always work out.
it sounded good to mewhen i was younger, but it just doesn't workthat way. there is no such thingas one true love -- stop! shit. [ clears throat ]'scuse me. [ audience murmurs ] 'scuse me. oh, my god. oh, my god.oh, my god.
what are you doing? i was wrong, dad.there's no such thing as -- cal: okay. i, uh... [ kate clears throat ] [ clearing throat ] uh. well, here's the thing: my son's graduation speechsucks. that's not a joke.
in fairness, i didn't knowwhere he was going with that. but i think we can all agreeit was headed in a kind of depressing,um...way. my son -- not him -- my actual son believesin grand romantic gestures. he believes... in the existenceof one's soul mate. and it's easy to just lookat a 13-year-old and say: "you don't know what you'retalking about. you are wrong."
but i'm not so sure. i met my soul matewhen i was 15 years old. we went out for ice cream. after, my dad started teasing meabout my first date, the way dads do. and i told him,"dad, it's no big deal. "i'm gonna be going outwith a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates." and that is the first timethat i ever lied to my father.
i met my soul matewhen i was 15 years old, and i have loved herevery minute of every day since i first bought herthat mint chocolate chip cone. i have loved herthrough the birth of my three perfect children. i have loved hereven when i've hated her. [ light laughter ] only married coupleswill understand that one. and i don't knowif it's gonna work out.
i don't knowwhat's gonna happen. i'm sorry, robbie.i can't give you that. but i canpromise you this: i will never stop trying. because when you findthe one... you never give up. do you have anythingyou'd like to say? i still love you,jessica! [ laughter, cheers, applause ]
and i love you, emily. i loved you ever since you firstchanged my sister's diaper. i loved you even when you cameinto my bedroom unannounced and i was under the coversdoing -- stop him. no. no. no, no. what's hetalking about? i'm stillnot ashamed of it. cal: okay.we're good, we're good.
girl: yeah, mom! oh, there's your mom.let's go say hi. hey!oh, i'm so proud of you! there she is.my perfect girl. so i bought a firearm... ...from a shadyinternet site and i am prepared to shoot youin the face with it. come here. take care of her.
this is gonna be fun. this is gonna be fun. i'm gonna talkto my friends, 'kay? yeah, go hang withthe other high schoolers. go ahead, see if i care.i don't care. he's so big. [ the middle east's "blood"plays ] ♪ older brother, restless soul,lie down ♪ ♪ lie for a while with your earagainst the earth ♪
♪ and you'll hear your sistersleep talking ♪ ♪ say, "your hair is longbut not long enough to reach ♪ ♪ "home to me ♪ ♪ but your beardsomeday might be" ♪ i'm really gladyou came. so am i. you were a really goodbabysitter, jessica. i'm sorry if i made youuncomfortable. i thoughtyou weren't givin' up.
i'm not. but i just figure: you like my dad, and in a few yearsi'll look like him. i'll come for you then. that's not a bad plan. well, until then, just a littlegraduation gift to get youthrough high school.
so... can you --? why --? take care, robbie. ♪ cold sweat on the floor ♪ ♪ next to a family portraitdrawn when you were 4 ♪ ♪ and beside a jar of 2-centcoins that are no good no more ♪ ♪ she'll lay it aside ♪ holy crap.
♪ older father, weary soul,you'll drive ♪ ♪ back to the home you madeon the mountainside ♪ he looks pretty happy. god, i hate that haircut,though. ugh. i know.he looks like a sheepdog. oh, my --my eyes! my eyes! it's beena really hard year. how so? yeah, there were a couplelittle bumps, i guess.
i guess i just,you know... really what i --what i want to say is that i'm... i'm so glad you bought methat ice cream. ♪ oh, it was the only womanyou ever loved ♪ ♪ that got burnt by the suntoo often when she was young ♪ ♪ and the cancer spread ♪ ♪ and it ran into her bodyand her blood ♪ ♪ and there's nothingyou can do about it now ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh,oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh,ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ [ andrew bird's "tenuousness"plays ] ♪ tenuous, at best,was all he had to say ♪ ♪ when pressed about the restof it, the world that is ♪ ♪ from proto-sanskrit minoansto porto-centric lisboans ♪ ♪ greek cypriotsand hobis-hots ♪ ♪ who hang aroundin ports a lot, uh-huh ♪ [ whistling ]
♪ here's where thingsstart getting weird ♪ ♪ while chinless men willscratch their beards, oh-ho ♪ ♪ and tool their mindsto sharpened axes ♪ ♪ brush upon the uralic syntaxes ♪ ♪ love of hateacts as an axis ♪ ♪ oh, ho ♪ ♪ first it wanes,and then it waxes ♪ ♪ so procreateand pay your taxes ♪ ♪ ten-u-ous-ness ♪
♪ less seven comes to three ♪ ♪ them, you, us, plus eleven ♪ ♪ thank the heavensfor their elasticity ♪ ♪ and that's for thosewho live and die ♪ ♪ for astronomy ♪ ♪ when coprophagia was writ ♪ ♪ know when to stand,know when to sit ♪ ♪ can't stand to stand,can't stand to sit ♪ ♪ and who would wantto know this? ♪
♪ click ♪ ♪ who wants to look upon this? ♪ ♪ oh, who wantsto look upon this? ♪ ♪ pray tell ♪ ♪ pr-a-a-a-ay ♪ ♪ tell ♪ ♪ comes just shy of infinity ♪ ♪ for numerology ♪