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Title : wyatt tv stand ashley furniture
wyatt tv stand ashley furniture
felix reviews! oh, hi! and welcome to 'felix reviews'! and today we'll take a look at the horrifyingly bad movie: have you ever thought: 'i wish the creators of death academy' 'made even more movies that are just as bad as their other ones' '- but in english!' in that case, congratulations, you idiot!
because at the same time that idea entered your skull you got yourself scarred for life! if you'll ever meet a dude in the city, that smells like the corpse of a rat and krister sjã¶gren's aftershave, then you'll know exactly what type of crime against humanity that person has committed. but, to be honest, daniel lemussari, who created "death academy" is one of sweden's best director
not cause he makes good movies, of course but because his movies are so bad that they become extremely entertaining i would rather sit around a whole day watching his movies than watch one single fucking helena bergstrã¶m movie. daniel lemussari has a small movie production company called "cruzical film and media" their apparent goal is to, with every tool available, make the worst movies of all time. they manage to do this time and time again so i guess you could say they're pretty successful! except... the other way around... sorta?
i have no idea where they get the money to create their "master pieces" but they have, in their latest catastrophy production "luna project", put uve boll on the team as executive producer which i assume means the movie will be financed using nazi gold and money uve boll stole from his own mom. they tried making an indiegogo campaign for the movie, but that didn't fare so well... i don't get why people didn't donate, the rewards are amazing! for $20, you would be mentioned in the credits and for $40, you get a link to a hidden youtube video! ...which is probably a cat video. and for $110 you get a special thanks in the credits
and you get a diploma; a framed diploma!!! that probably says something like "congratulations, you just threw a hundred bucks into the river!" in the project's description they also claim that daniel lemussari is "sweden's answer to dario argento" uhhhh. no. just no. dario argento is a fantastic director who basically created a whole new subgenre and has created some of the most visually accomplished horror movies of all time. how does someone have the guts to compare themselves with a director like that?! lets make a comparison, and the difference should become pretty obvious!
fuck!!! dannyboy, your movies are funny and all, but you're no dario argento. heh. no offense. for "the house of orphans", daniel has turned his suckiness up to the maximum, by forcing swedish actors to speak english to "widen his audience" the problem is that the actors can barely order a fucking hot dog in english alright; now i say we stop talking about daniel and his company let us have a look at his biggest masterpiece; house of orphans. the first thing to rape our eyeballs is cruzical's logotype stuffed into windows media player visualizer
and then comes... their name again. ...and again. ...and again?! were they scared that we'd forget who made the movie or something?! the movie is introduced with a couple who are out for a walk in 1975 they had to put the year on screen, because there is absolutely nothing in the actual scene that tells us this is taking place in the 70s suddenly the dog runs off like a bitch, approaching a deserted house i'm assuming it realized what a shitfest of a movie it was put in. look! his shirt is poking out from the front of his pants!
uhhh... why are you looking at his crotch? it's called "film analysis", basse. susan what's wrong with bull?! uhhhh it doesn't look like he's pulled in by anything... but rather like he runs in willingly. the guy gets his eyes stabbed by something unknown and then comes the scaaaaary title; house of orphans this title looks like the result of allowing some toddlers to fuck around in photoshop with the task of making something "spooky", using only papyrus-like fonts. after that we see some views of cities, which totally aren't stock footage ripped off of youtube in 240p
apparently our main character, amanda, lives in the part of town where the moon is always photoshopped into the background she's having nightmares about her dad, who drowned under mysterious circumstances what exactly these circumstances are, we aren't told until later on, but if you look closely you can see it already you can see here, in the way he waves his arm that it must be a blood thirsty underwater kangaroo pulling him into the depths of the ocean and, most likely, they chop him up down there and use him for kangaroo cancer research! there it is... just look closely, you'll see it right away! amanda's mum and stepdad come into her room to comfort her
because. uh. she dreamt. scary! okay, you comforted her enough. we shouldn't give her too much care and love! this soon we've already gotten a taste of this movie's big weakness: the dialogue. just listen to this! maybe, if they ditched the idea of speaking english, the dialogue would've reached up to death academy's level. that's right: reached up to death academy's level. her mum puts on an ugly editing effect or, i'm sorry
"puts the lights out" and then a proper twist is revealed: during this conversation, amanda has apparently been hiding a random girl beneath her bed. so you would rather see your mom together with a rotting corpse? i don't think your biological dad is particularily fun to hang out with right now. by the way, her friend sleeps with a bra on! that's insanely uncomfortable to sleep in! not like... i would know... but uh... let's move on! the next morning, amanda and her friend are preparing for the move.
you wouldn't have to do that anyway, he probably doesn't remember you. you're not a very fun grandchild. what the... is it 15 or 14 minutes?! you better make your mind up, lady, you're confusing me! look at the way she pants after saying that line; as if it was physically exhausting to say those words! then we cut to pictures... from new york. please tell me they aren't trying to fool us that this is actually set in new york. if they really want us to believe that this is in usa, what the fuck are the swedish road signs doing there?! they arrive at the house, and the parents love it right away.
wait, so they haven't even looked at the house yet?! did they just randomly buy it without even going to see it? imagine this being jackson from hannah montana... but with a wife beater, shaved head and glasses. my nightmares will never be as pleasant as they used to be. i wonder if he wants them to come over and visit him... he wasn't being very clear on that part what the fuck happened there?! why did they cut to a picture with completely different lightning and white balance where she just stares out into nothing?! but jackson destroyed the door with his jackson-powers! the handle has been cursed using black magic, or something! and just look at this girl's responsiveness in this scene...
it really is worthless. amanda then wakes up from the evil handle's curse, and chaos ensues. she touched a handle, she's going to die! when a horror movie tries so hard to make a fucking door handle scary... well that's just embarrassing. well, this is a normal fucking thing to say..? she says it as if she was stung by a wasp or something... when they've discovered that door handles can't kill people, they go outside to look at the house they just moved into. i've been here for five minutes and i've only gotten bad impressions so far. i love this house! but it appears the girls aren't the only ones who have fallen for the charm of this house. ...please.
we get that you like this place now, you don't have to repeat yourselves! uhhh, did this shithole really cost a fortune? i think they've been tricked. and what do you mean "we better like it"? so they have to force enthusiasm just cause it was expensive?! i bet the stepdad threatened the whole fucking family with a knife in the car. if you don't like the house when we go there, i will chop you all up with this knife, cause you have no idea how expensive this place was. i've put a shitload of money on it. be happy now, then! be happy.
what was this house before we moved in, was it a house back then too or was it a handball? cause i walk around here feeling like this could have been a handball before. when night arrives, amanda and her buddy go exploring the basement that flashlight doesn't look like it helps much. uhhh that dole-box in the foreground has the logo they switched to back in 1986 so uh it's probably not 100 years since someone's been down there. oh look, the movie's costume stock! the buddy finds a box that she opens up. oh no! somebody put nils karlsson the leprechaun's skull in a box!
apparently there was a book in there, too, and amanda starts reading. wow, she would work for tv-shop! a punishment room?! come on, we gotta go find it, yaaaay! they find a secret door behind the shelf full of ski boots; which has surely been there for a hundred years and they go in oh my god, so fucking scared. they discover another door on the other side of this thrown together fake basement if i took time to comment on every time their english is fucked straight to hell, this review would be longer than the movie itself. while the girls are trying to "make iiit" out of the basement,
the mom is worried. yes, as soon as girls enter puberty they start fainting to the left and right. especially when they touch door handles! hunting for boys in the middle of the night, and in the woods? uhm, boys are a bit like mushrooms right, you pull them out of the ground and then you take them home and cook them...? apparently that explanation was enough for the mother to give up her searching. but what they don't know is that the kids are downstairs in the death chamber from hell or well, the slightly dark but surprisingly well lit basement with no dangers lurking whatsoever. she's a bit too calm considering she just find out there's a labyrinth of death beneath her new house
oh, wow, a mysterious death labyrinth! how neat! why didn't the estate agent tell us anything about that?! they go into a room and find a broken old mirror. she finds an ugly, broken and disgusting mirror in a basement, and the first thing that comes to her mind is: oh, my mum would love this! because she's ugly, broken and disgusting! so her friend picks up a rag, which is surprisingly clean for something that's "been there one hundred years" and amanda cleans the mirror wait a little! how did she get upstairs? didn't the door get locked from the outside earlier? that was the whole reason they were stuck down there. did they even try to open it earlier?
no! they just banged the door a little! no fucking wonder it didn't open! they didn't even touch the door handle. but then again... door handles are deadly! while the buddy goes to get help, amanda gets attacked by a boy who smudged a bunch of watercolors all over his face. now they better hurry to help her! think of all the things he could do to her! like... smudge some watercolor on her. ooooo, how bothersome that would be to wash off. i shiver just thinking about it. this door seems to lock on its own whenever it feels like it and when it's neccessary to create "tension".
when they finally get in there, 15 minutes later, the boy is gone and hasn't hurt amanda at all. but what she wakes up to is some spooky shit! the dad of the murderer in death academy has dressed up as a german doctor and is trying to speak english. and here i thought this movie couldn't get any worse. look at how she straight up just waits to say her line! soon... now it's my turn! noone besides amanda has seen the boy, and to calm herself down she takes a hot bath in a magical bath tub. it's magical because the tap stops making noise before she even touches it.
wow, magic! or just bad sound editing. now would be a perfect time to be inspired by better movies such as nightmare on elm street isn't the house of orphans scene so much better? just compare the compositions. i love how the boy covers the entire frame! and how the camera is a bit to the side! it's so much better than having the threat centered! i don't get what wes craven was thinking when he filmed nightmare on elm street. daniel lemussari, who was eight years old when the first nightmare on elm street film was released should've been the director of that movie instead. maybe then, it would've been properly done! the boy attacks, but before he can do anything the whole resque patrol comes to save the girl.
the next morning everything is sunshine and happiness. you're gonna drink this rosehip soup whether you like it or not! cause rosehip soup is something everyone in america drinks! but hang on a moment! their breakfast doesn't contain enough nourishment to last them a whole day of spookiness! they don't even have milk for their kellog's special k! they eventually realize on their own that they don't have enough food. amanda and her buddy don't join in the car, though. 'cause they'd rather walk. for some reason. what the fuck?! why are they walking, then!?
well, the reason they walk is that it forces them to ask for directions, causing them to meet... this person. like... i think ashley is my new favourite person in the entire world. how can a person's acting skills be this shit?! this scene isn't comedy gold; it's comedy platinum. ashley goes to get her grandpa, who is apparently a master at finding the way into town. why do they have to go into his house to learn the way into town? does the path go through his rape chamber or something? since jackson has them on a visit, he decides to tell them his life story from the time when their house was an orphanage. apparently a rich couple owned the house and used it as an orphanage to which people sent their unruly children to be whipped and taught some manners.
they also used the orphanage to sell sex slaves to people. nope, he'll be a total pussy. while jackson tells us his story, they throw in as many background pictures as they can. they put so much work on it, after all, that not one second of material could go lost! there's even long parts of people just walking around saying nothing at all. so they stood up on the law? i'm sorry, daniel, but the law is not a physical object you can stand upon. then they sell more children. they're really effective, eh? true entrepreneurs! oh no! she was the one who killed the leprechaun! everyone is prepared for a lucia procession, but they forgot the candles and hats!
what fools! no wonder jackson's grandfather was furious! one kid manages to escape the lucia procession, and goes to hide in the best hiding spot ever. but he is found right away, because apparently the hiding spot sucked. who could have known? as punishment, he is sent off to sleep in the basement, and they added an annoying crying noise to the whole scene which doesn't even sound like actual crying. the orphanage owner is pissed off cause the kid can't cry properly, so he abuses him. i love how the wall moves when the kid is pushed up against it. did they build it out of styrofoam?
then the janitor (jackson's grandpa) arrives. this flashback has been going on for so long, and we haven't seen a blink of the person it's about until now. they fight like crazy, and for a while it looks like the janitor is going to save the day. but no, the owner strikes him down with a flatiron, and kills him with an axe. then he beheads the child! child murder! child murder!!! then the owner just leaves the corpses there. i guess he has better stuff to do than clearing out the evidence for child murder. but this is a mistake he shouldn't have done. the owners get caught for their crime and are hanged as punishment.
but before the female owner is killed she uses black magic to curse the town. and now we're finally back in the current timeline. why did they try to keep it a secret? and who did it? the media and the police? they were pretty fucking effective in that case! and... 60 kids?! shouldn't the whole village be extinct, then? then again, it is set in usa... but... that explains nothing! so that's why there are ghosts in the basement... so even if the witch cursed the entire village the only house affected was up being her own.
stop reminding me of better movies i could have watched. while the girls are having a chat with jackson, two random teens go to the house. this is where daniel attempts to joke about stereotypes in horror movies. by using stereotypes himself and not exaggerating or changing anything. the girl flashes her tits when she says she'll do it as a reward you just gave him the reward, dumbass! and just look at how scared he acts about it. oh no not those! heeeeelp the dude then walks into the basement to get the reward... once more i guess?
i must be crazy... why am i talking to myself in english... when i am swedish?! but then, suddenly, the door locks on its own and they are scared shitless. the guy is so scared that he must unsweatify himself and take his shirt off. then he stops being scared and goes... to... check something. or well. die. meanwhile, the parents are in a furniture store... weren't they supposed to go grocery shopping? this part is unneccessary too so lets just go back to the stereotype characters. ...who die in the next scene. why did they even include the scene with the parents? it serves no purpose. and neither does that dude and the blonde girl.
everything is just a big fucking waste of time! anyway, in the meantime the girls have been off to eat somewhere. the food was so shit that amanda gets hallucinations and sees the dead girl. so they ran the whole way home, without asking why until they arrived? like, maybe it's just me and my laziness but i wouldn't run that far without a damn good reason to do so. they go into the basement. just like in death academy. that sounds like a scary shitty horror film.
that's good. at least daniel has some self awareness. they go into the secret part of the basement, and ashley likes what she sees. it's a dirty, dark basement. it's not that fucking awesome! they arrive at the place where the bodies should be. it's right there. oh, i guess i mean: hello, dumbass, it's right in front of you! but amanda apparently doesn't like keys. so they leave. an anticlimactic end to this scene, but... hm. ashley goes to her grandpa, while amanda and her buddy denise
go up to their room to have some more flashbacks. and then they show the context of the dream amanda had at the beginning of the movie. her dad died when he and a random dude saved amanda from drowning. and, since he manages to drown where 9 year old amanda can stand up straight, he must be a shitty swimmer. so they go into the basement, nothing of interest occurs, and they find the book. why they looked for it to begin with... i don't really know. meanwhile, the parents are at a restaurant. or it's because you're actually sitting in someone's fucking living room. of course this scene leads nowhere, so we cut to the girls who find a treasure map in the book
and they go into the basement again the break a door open, find a skeleton and denise throws up her burger. they both start shaking and crying. amanda saw recently killed corpses earlier in the movie and didn't react half as strongly. but i guess skeletons are spookier. then jackson shows his true intentions. he wants the treasure! when jackson arrives he finds the girls on the floor and wants to give them more flashback exposition. we see a flashback with two thieves who look for the treasure and get killed in the process. "mmmm! jam!!!"
and then that flashback is over. what did that add to the story? absolutely nothing! but... how the hell did jackson remember all this? he wasn't even there when it happened! we found a dead child in the basement! wanna see? of course! but when they get to see the skeleton, it is apparently no fun anymore. then they have to break into a locked room that they have yet to examine. the girl tries to use the crowbar!! ...or well, she barely tries at all.
what? that was completely unmotivated! they find the treasure, which contains everything the slave owners collected. apparently they accepted mugs, necklaces and a candle holder as payment. i guess they weren't as successful as entrepreneurs as we thought. they decide to take the treasure, ditch and leave the girls there. except for their parents who live right above where they're at, and come back home any minute now. they go in to steal the treasure. why the fuck do they leave the other chest? why not check to see if there's anything in that one too? but then, suddenly!
no, not ashley! she was my favourite person in the entire world! she was going to be the last one to die! "rip ashley, we will never forget you... for better or for worse! jackson is so pissed off that he shoots at the digitally toned in smoke which arrives out of nowhere. ...as if that would help. at the same time, the ghost boy pops up with the girls. literally. she understands right away that he's got good intentions because he is smiling now. ...he's scarier now than before, for fucks sake!
just fucking look at him, it's the scariest thing in the movie! then he vanishes. why won't she react until he leaves? well, cause it's easier to edit the movie then. apparently he just teleported to the next room and opens the door for them. apparently, jackson isn't dead yet. alright, fine then. now he's dead. these gore effects actually aren't that shit. they are more convincing than in some movies with better budgets but they show it on screen for so long that it becomes obvious to the viewer how fake it is. dude, why are they scared of this witch?! she is slow as hell!
what the fuck do they need the book for?! have they forgotten that they're being chased by a fucking ghost witch? a witch who is in the basement! for some reason the ghost boy shows up again, but this time his black face is almost completely gone. ...she says straight to his face. you live in this house, you should know the way out! the kid abandons them after just three steps in the staircase, though. what the fuck did just happen? she was like caught by some green screen arms and just disappeared into nothing... ... i don't know what to say, what?
anyway... she goes into the basement. again. wait... is it supposed to look like it's pitch black and she can't see anything? well ain't it good then that the lamp above her shines so brightly upon her! then the witch suddenly shows up she just falls through the door... and now she's suddenly safe?! because the horrible, scary witch can't fucking go through doors she finds denise, who has been nailed against a wall. look at the nail to the right. they just added a static image to the film without motion tracking or anything. and on top of that, it still hangs in there in the next clip.
perfect, daniel, you really nailed it there! you just ripped her hands from two big, fat nails. the fuck do you think?! whatever. she pulls out a napkin to wipe the blood with, and then everything's good again. then the parents come back home. damn good boyfriend that mum has picked up. "eh, it's just your children. who the fuck cares?" they barely struggle when they're pulled back in there... but then again. they probably forgot they were chased in the first place. so she goes down into the basement.. again. does she want to be killed or what the fuck is her problem? when her stepdad has seen the bodies he immediately believes a ghost did it.
...since that is the only logical explanation. he suggests that they burn it to the ground. what the fuck, no, i'm gonna burn the house down! fine! die in a fire, then! they go up to the attic what an observation! "this is a room! you can live in this thing!" so there just happens to be a bunch of dynamite under a floor board? that reminds me of the time when i lifted a pillow in my couch and there was a fucking orca lying underneath! and then a big clusterfuck of a scene begins.
what is this even supposed to be?! the fire is digital, the goddamn witch is filmed in front of a fucking purple screen and where the fuck did the fire go? shouldn't the dad be fucking burnt?! but no, he just fucking disappears, and they run downstairs with the dynamite that they just said could blow up any minute! and then the witch flies around with a bunch of disgusting digital effects. why don't they just use the same mask as before? even that looked better! she disappears again anyway... why? i have no clue. she got tired or something? and the other ones walk down the stairs.
it's not just you. nobody knows what the fuck just happened. so.. amanda notices that his hands are cold, meaning he's actually dead. ...or something. but the mom of course felt nothing when she hugged him earlier. anyway. they walk down into the basement. must be the 500th time i say that in this review... but then the stepdad, who is already dead... dies. i love how the witch just stands there completely still in the background waiting for her to fire things up. she's just a few inches from the mum's neck. why doesn't she just fucking kill her?
the witch is apparently attracted to the fire like a fucking moth, and the mum tries to kill her with a hatchet but... they set fire to the dynamite, which consists of a wooden stick wrapped in gift wrap with small fireworks on top, and somehow it causes the gasoline on the floor to burn. when they run away, the witch catches up and throws a punch into denise they leave denise to die, and the house is blown up in one last big special effect. they basically just filmed a normal bonfire and added some standard effects from action essentials. it's the coolest fucking explosion i've ever seen! ...except for all the other explosions i've ever seen.
then we get a small epilogue. ...can't you be a little sad?! some emotion at all, fucking show it! all your fucking friends are dead! what the fuck?! how did he save you? he led denise straight into a trap, and ran away as soon as something happened. i wouldn't call that guy a hero. yep, we blew him to pieces, so i fucking hope he's happy now. and then the credits roll, with this song in the background. what the... is ashley singing this?!
to top it off, everything is written in papyrus with some glow effects... a disgusting finish to a extremely bad, but also extremely entertaining, movie. so that was house of orphans. daniel's movies are among some of the most entertaining movies produced in sweden. they're all so shit that they become good. i genuinely hope he continues making movies for many years to come. he has improved a lot in this movie, but it's still low budget and the acting as well as the digital effects are hilarious. it gets drawn out and repetitive after a while, but there's enough comedy gold in it to cover up for that.
it's also noticable that the creators had a lot of fun filming this and did the best they could with the physical effects. so the movie is extremely bad, but in a good way! and if you look at their website you can see that the sound technician for this movie has a really cool rickie o shirt and i was gonna get one like that too! so i rate the movie 10/10!