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About : tv stands for flat screens with electric fireplace
Title : tv stands for flat screens with electric fireplace

tv stands for flat screens with electric fireplace

he was offensive. he was obnoxious. he was disgusting. do you want me to go on? woman: yes. once he wanted meto approve a contest where he wouldgive a new toilet to the listener withthe largest bowel movement. on the air.

i mean, you can imaginethe logistics of that. howard stern:you know, when i look backon this moment in my life, i really wanted it to work. i wanted this to bethe biggest moment in the historyof entertainment.i'm not kidding. i wanted everyoneto wake up the next morning talking about me,howard stern. that's the kindof thinking, though, that usuallygets me into trouble.

john stamos:i'm here to introducethe next presenter. believe me, a lot of peoplerefused to introduce this guy, but, uh... is this safe? when you drop,don't spin around or the wiresget screwed up. [gasps] ...radio waveshigh above america... [crowd cheers]

it's a bird... i'm makingsuch a mistake. it's a plane... no, it's fartman! howard:behold, i am fartman. behold, the greatnessthat is me. the mightiestof superheroes. my ass has power! screw superman.

i am fartman.fartman rules. fartman. fartman! and now, in an extraordinarydisplay of my powers, i will show yousomething so marvelous. behold. [passes gas] stamos: the lovelyand talented fartman,ladies and gentlemen. howard: i got to tell you,with all this carrying on,

i mean, the waythey were screaming, at first i really thoughti'd won them over. i thought i was the beatleson ed sullivan or something. oh, shock... but did my fellow artistsappreciate the comedically ironic aspectof my new superhero character? no. they just thoughti was an idiot. you know, most of these peopleare satan-worshipping junkies. hey, look, all i wantis for my artistic courage

to be an inspirationto others. instead, i'm a joke. excuse me.i didn't meanto interrupt. embarrassed. see, that's when i cameto a profound realization-- everything i dois misunderstood. haah! i mean, think aboutwhat a burden that is. what a thingto go through life with.

all i'm trying to dois be funny, and i end upfeeling like an asshole. what a fucking jerk. howard, it was a home run. you think so? absolutely.and when you said, "all of hollywoodcan kiss my ass," you had everyteenager in the countryeating out of your hand. my guess iswe'll get coveragefrom 200, maybe 300...

[aria playing] howard. howard...here's your ticket. ok? now call me as soon asyou get to new york, will you? yo, fartman.love you, man. thanks. all right. so gettingback to what i wastalking about-- more than anything, i'd likethe public to appreciate me. no, forget that.i want them to love me--

not the myth, but the man. the real howard. let me demonstrate my point. thank you. now, take this woman,for example. she hates me. she doesn't even know me, but it's clear that she'stotally disgusted by me. down the aisleon your right.

excuse me. yes? you don't possiblyhave another seatavailable for me? i'm sorry.we're showinga full load. right here on your left. full load. yes.sir, may i help you? to your right. hello.

is this yours? yeah. if youwant to read it,you can. pfft, i've seenthis look before, believe me. it's the lookof misunderstanding. she thinks i'm a moron. in fact, all my life,people have told mei was a moron. you're a moron.now shut upand sit still. so this is my dad ben stern.

he was an engineerat a radio stationin manhattan--whom. why do we live in rooseveltwhen you work in new york? shut up. [radio static] we never played catchor went to ball games. the only sportmy father likedwas yelling. nothing but crap. [changes station] [reggae music playing]

is this one crap? don't be a moron. â™ª shut up your mouth,that is your daddy â™ª â™ª oh, no â™ª â™ª my daddycan be a pistol â™ª â™ª shut your mouth,go away â™ª â™ª ooh, mamalook-a boo boo day â™ª huh! â™ª shut your mouth... â™ª

my fathercommuted every day. i guess it was about 40 milesinto manhattan. he'd leave at 7:00 inthe morning, get home aroundmidnight or something. i mean, i never saw the guy. come on. come on. once a year, my old manwould break down and take meto work with him. a little quality time. i liked that.a little bonding.

dad and son together. i looked forward to that. [elevator dings] take my hand,howard, and remember, howard, i work here,so keep your mouth shut. peggy lee: â™ª never knowhow much i love you... â™ª you spin and you spinand you spin. records--who gives a damn?

daddy. i told you, shut up. that man'sthrowing records. no, nobody givesa damn about it. none of it.what the fuck is it? just fucking records!it's just this fucking place. none of it means anything.it's empty-- sid, you're onin 15 seconds. get a grip on yourself!

ah, what the helldo you know, you bastard? you mieskait! you're gonna play the musicfor the people? it doesn't-- symphony sid! by the powers vested in me by the federalcommunications commission, i command you to get on the microphonein a serious manner and continue this broadcast.

deep, calm voice: this is"sunday blues and jazz," and i'm your hostsymphony sid. and now...somethingfor a blue sunday. howard: from that moment on,i wanted to be on the radio. show businesswas definitely for me. [bouncy puppet music] for my 12th birthday,my mother bought mesome puppets, and pretty soon,i was spreading joythroughout the community. â™ª biddi-bim-bom,ay-yi-yi â™ª

â™ª biddi-biddi-biddi â™ª â™ª biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi â™ª â™ª biddi-biddi-biddi... â™ª howard, as the woman:oh, baby, i want it.give it to me. more. more. ohh! howard, as the man:you like that, huh? oh, yes, i love it, baby.give it to me. oh, baby, yes!right there! ohh! oh, more! harder!

you want it harder? oh, yes. harder.please give it to me! please!more! ohh! aah! aah! but why can't i playwith my puppets? shut up! you know why. you know,life is very strange. nat king cole:â™ª pretend you're happy... â™ª just about the timemy puppet career ended,

my whole neighborhoodunderwent a demographic shift. my parents said we're movingbecause of those niggers. they said pretty soon,roosevelt's going to benothing but niggers. really? my parentssaid we're moving because ofall the shvartzes. shvartzes are niggers,idiot. they're the same thing. [tires screech] i don't want to hearany more of this,you hear me?

i'm half negro,and howard's half negro. and anything badyou say about negroes, you're saying about us,you understand? â™ª and nothing's badas it may seem... â™ª mom, we're half negro? i can't believethe stories he makes up. i mean, i never made himwear my underwear to school, and--and as far as my takinghis rectal temperature every day till he was 14--

he shouldn't makesuch a big deal. he still grew up to bea very well-adjustedindividual. absolutely. â™ª papa wasa rolling stone... â™ª roosevelt high school--beautiful. a fully integratededucational institution, which of course meant6,000 black guys and me. and then i hit puberty. that made things worse

because my penisnever got any bigger. i mean, i was hunglike a 3-year-old. hey, seriously, these guys hadrhinoceros penises--huge. you know, i've heardblack men complain that they'reunfairly stereotyped. man, i'd love to havea stereotype like that. now, because i hadsuch a minuscule schlonger, i turned to drugs. unfortunately, the drugsreally made me paranoid.

howard's mother:howard, i smell smoke.are you smoking in there? there's no smokein here. howard, your fatherwants to see youdownstairs. [gargles] [swallows] howard, you're graduatingfrom high school this year. you should be makingsome kind of planfor your future. you need a plan. i want to be on the radio.

he wants to beon radio. but to be on the radio,you have to havea voice. you have to havesome verbal ability. you hardly eversay a word. this all from a guy who'sonly told me to shut upabout 50,000 times. i talk. you really want to beon the radio? ok. if you wanta shot at radio, the counseling centersays there'sa communications program

at boston university. ok, i knowwhat you're saying. you're saying i looka little old to be in college. well, for this movie,you gotta suspend disbelief. hey, lisa. lisa.hi, how you doing? hi. i was wondering if you'dlike to go out friday night. with you?

no, thanks. hi. i was justwondering if you-- uh, no. oh, excuse me.i'm sorry. i'm sorry. would you liketo go outfriday night? friday? no. i have a lot of readingto catch up on, but thank you.

so i masterbated a lot--2-time-a-day habit. i'm not proud of it,but i did it. senior year--big year for me. i finallygot up the courage to go downto the college radio station and get myself on the air. and my nameis howard stern on "the howard sternexperience," and if you love music,you'll love deep purple on tbu.

["smoke on the water" playing] ohh! ooh, ooh, ooh! ooh! oh, my god!oh, my fucking god! [needle scratches record] how do i forget it? it's the single worst momentin radio history. it's not radio.

it's college radio. there'snobody listening. nobody. maybe, like,3 guys in a dorm somewhere. oh, shit. oh, fuck. i know someoneon this block.let me think. come on.we're getting wet. down here. down here.down here. [knock on door]

hi, elyse. hey. so, we were on our wayto a rally in supportof feminism, and we got caughtin the rain. i'm wondering if wecan come in and justhang out for awhile. sure,come on in. howard: can i useyour hair dryer? yeah, there's oneat the end of the hall.hey, rach. hi, ellen.this is howard.

oh, hi.my hair's wet. put that there. i'm just going to godry my hair. hey, i heard youon the radio today. you heard that? yeah. what happened? i didn't think anybodyeven listened to that. alison, this is howard.howard, this is alison. alison'sone of my roommates.

[thunder] ["love is a manysplendored thing" playing] hair dryer'sin the bathroom. hi. hi. hi. i'm howard. look at you, man. you can get her.you can get her. she looks hot. [sniff sniff sniff]

how are you? i'm making a filmfor my film class, and, i mean,it's a legitimate film. you won't--you're not gonnabe naked or anything. you'll have your clothes on,you know. what's it about? well, i'm gladyou asked me that. in my, um, psychology class,we're studying b.f. skinner, and i started to realizethat what skinner saysis true--

we're all ratstrapped in a box, all searchingfor a piece of cheese. mm-hmm. and i'm going to shoot iton saturday. i mean, i can't do itsaturday. i work withan outpatient programfor schizophrenics. one of them actuallykilled himself, so i'm takingthe whole group to-- to the funeralon saturday, but...

sorry. you are really perfect. i--all right.what if i reschedule? beautiful. beautiful.i don't believe it. look, i refused to leavethe room until she agreedto be in my film. i feel stupid. seriously, she wasthe most enchantingwoman i'd ever met. i'm telling you,i am looking forthe face of an angel.

you havethe face of an angel. [ghostly groaning] howard's voice: save me. save me. he comes to me. ahh... [applause] we give the awardfor best student film to...mr. howard stern.

i'll tell you,nothing makes a woman hotter than to be withan award-winning filmmaker. this i know. and at this point,i knew i was gonna score. i mean,it was fait accompli. i was in. this was it. i'm a stud.she was liquefied. we did not have sexon our first date, althoughhe was very sexual.

our sex lifehas always been good. i mean, howard complainsthat his penis is too small, but his penis sizeis fine. howard exaggerates. [shivering] ok. now hold thisand say-- hi.hi, i'm camille, and, uh,i'm in westchester,new york, and--

this is howard'sfirst job interview. and this is howard'sfirst job interview. well, he's going tohis first job interviewin new york. all right-- one more thing. can youtake your top off? no. no, i'm serious. i'm serious. that's whatthey want you to do.

no, they do not. yeah, they do. no way. no, they do. howard did nottell me-- [aerosmith's"sweet emotion" playing] i'm moti,station manager. howard stern. you want to bea disc jockey?

very much so.i've wanted to bea disc jockey since i was7 years old. what are you,an idiot? no, sir,i'm not an idiot. i--in fact, i havea communications degreefrom boston university, and i wouldwork very hardfor this company if giventhe opportunity to-- you wantedto see me? you came late yesterday.

you came late today.i don't need you.you're fired. fuck you. good. fuck you. you punk!fuck you 1,000%! fuck youtill your asshole is perfectdonkey asshole! [mutteringin foreign language] ok,you start tomorrow. 10 a.m. to 2 p.m, eh?

yes. pay $96 a weekand don't bring meyour problems. i'm not psychiatrist. thank you very much. i promise youi will notdisappoint you. and i starttomorrow? wimpy voice: westchester 107,wrnw 107. hi, this is howard stern,and it's 75 degrees presently, winds out of the northwest.

chance of precipitation,85% for tonight. looks like rain. tomorrow, partly sunnyat wrnw, westchester 107. [black sabbath's"paranoid" playing] i was sort of livingwith alison while she worked onher master's of social work,which was really great. i was also still livingwith my parents-- howard's mother:howard? which wasn't so great.

yeah. yeah, ma? i smell smoke.are you smoking in there? no, ma.there's no smoke in here. wimpy voice:107 fm, wrnw. i'm howard sternwith you each and every day, and i've got a greattwo for tuesday. 107 fm--the ramones--gabba gabba wee, gabba gabba hey,gabba gabba gabba gabba... [ramones' "pinhead" playing]

howard, you stink. i don't mix words.you will never bea great disc jockey. you have lousy voice,lousy personality,and this will not change. ok? so on the airis not for you, but you come on time,and you are good worker, huh? so... how about i make you... program director? program...director.

you. you. you run station. you--sit. you pick music. no more $96 a week. eh. i pay you... you, eh? $250 a week. [chuckles]

you be management...like me. to be quite honest,i didn't really wantto be a programmer, but at $250 a week,i could marry alison, and we'd geta real place together. oh, look at her.i mean, this was a miracle. here's this beautiful girl, i mean, a gorgeous woman, willing to spendthe rest of her life with me. i just couldn'thave been happier.

i was the happiestprogram directorin the world. yeah, me.program director. overnight,i become the big boss. howard stern,executive manager. i had no ideawhat i was doing, no clue what to dowith this job whatsoever, but i did it, and everyonebought into it. they thought i knewwhat i was doing.this was great. oh, hey, moti.

advertising is up.profit is up. oh, great. as a disc jockey,you're--you're shit--ha ha ha ha-- but you area great programmer.here, payday. thanks, moti. listen, i want youto fire dickie davis. but why? none of your business. the guy's got 3 kids.

you want to be management,you fire him, huh? it's good to fire someone.it gives a good messageto the others. just fire him, huh? i don't want to fire him.you fire him. howard... disc jockeys are dogs. your job is to make themfetch, eh? now, if you wantto truly be management, you be a manand fire him.

do it. be a man. moti: tell dickie davishoward wants to see himnow. [vomiting] how? howard? don't look. you ok? [coughs] let me ask you something.would you still love me... if i gave upmy programming job

and i stayed on the airand i made a lot less money? yes. i mean, you know,i'd have to leave you, but i'd still love you. be serious. if i make less money,we wouldn't even be ableto afford this apartment. well, we can't reallyafford the apartment now, so it doesn't quitematter, really. i guess. do what you need to do.

come on back here,hold this sign... right in front of you.come on back. i want you to say"howard goes to hartford and becomesthe wacky morning manat wccc." [enunciation unclear]howard goes to hartfordat ccc. "howard goes to hartfordand becomes the wackymorning man at wccc." howard goes to hartfordat w-- all right, all right,that's not going to work. howard comes to hartfordto become the wackymorning man

at wccc. gary: let's seesome muscles. gary: how aboutsome back muscles? was my voice too deepdoing that? no. it's very feminine. wccc, fm 107 and am 1290. my name is fred norris,and, uh... stick around forthe new guy howard stern and the "howard sternprogram."

oh. oh, my god. oh, it's so-- hi. howard stern. how you doing?you're fred. i can't believehow late i am. who would've thought? i'm on the berlin turnpike,and i take a left-hand turn, and i've rehearsed this500 times, getting here,and i somehow got lost. ohh.

i'm sweating. i'm so hot. i'm so tahitzed. [sighs] i'm hot. i was planningon being on time. ohh, man. whoo-oo-oo... 107 fm, am 1290, wccc.good morning. my name is howard stern.i'm the new morning man on ccc.

sitting with me,uh, mr. ringo... mr. ringo starr,and he's here in the studio. hi, ringo. [imitates ringo]how you doin', me love? i wish you'd play us a little"wipeout" this morning, wake everybody up. oh, yeah,that was great, ringo. ccc, am 1290, fm 1o7. this is cheap trick.

["i want you to want me"playing] ohh. thank you. whoa. howard: hartford ended upbeing ok, you know. i mean, fred seemedto really like me. i mean, i thinkhe really liked me. the guy's like wallpaper.who can get a read on him? and alison, well,she got a job right away. now, if you wantedto buy liverfor dinner,

what would you do? go to the...supermarket? that's right.and then what? this afternoon--gray skies, occasional showers,and precipitation. highs near 75. it's goingto be raininglike cats... [imitating catand chicken] and chickens,i don't think so.

[imitating dog] and dogs. wccc also wantsto remind you that our new sponsorstanley sport, um, is a great placeto go. you know, i got totell you something.when i was a child, i used to goto stanley sportall the time. i loved stanley sport. my parents wouldtake me through there, andwe just had a great time,

and we could walk outwith tons of stuff even though my parentsdidn't make a lot of money. oh. and, uh, "there's onlyone stanley sports, "and the grand openingis this weekend. mark it on your calendar." the grand openingis this... i just realized, uh...that makes no sensewhat i just said. i just told youi went there as a kid,and now the grand opening--

well, i just--i think i wasjust caught in a lie. oh, boy. you knowwhat the truth is? i'm a disc jockeywho makes $250 a week, and i just wantto do the right thinghere on the air. i don't want to get fired,so, uh, i guess i lied to you, but, uh, i'll neverlet that happen again.you know what i mean? oh, boy, do i feel stupid. [pretenders' "brass in pocket"playing] seriously, i heardthe show today.

i think you'rereally getting good. what part did youlike in particular? was it the chinese guycalling in forthe doobie brothers tickets? you know when you didthat ad, when you werejust being yourself? that's whatyou liked? yeah. really? it was funny. â™ª gonna use my arms,gonna use my legs... â™ª

howard: little by little, our ratingsactually improved, and before long,i got to interview my first realsemifamous celebrity, "b" movie starbrittany fairchild. while i'minterviewing her, she actually invites me to go to a premierefor her movie. i rememberhow embarrassing it was

because nobodyknew who i was. i'm escortingthis woman around, and none of these peopleknow who i am. they just thinkshe has some uglyboyfriend, you know? but who cared?i mean, it was exciting. brittany in movie: hello? i'm here for the shoot. anybody there? hello?

howard: ohh. my back hurts. would you mind taking meback to my hotel room? i know this director, and he told me thatwhen he was little, his motherkilled his sister, but was never charged. wow. come in.

it's nice. sit down. [keys jangle] i'll be right back. hey, man,free drinks. ahem. [faucet squeaks] [water running] what the hellis she doing?

i think she'srunning a bath. oh, my god, man,she's takingher clothes off. i guess she forgotto close the door. well, she'sa hollywood actress. they have a loton their mind. oh, my god. oh, is she cute. howard? could you come herefor a second?

oh. hi. my shoulderstense upwhen i travel. would you mindrubbing themfor a minute? works best wheni'm in a hot bath. it helpsrelax the muscles. i don't knowif that's ok or not. please.it really hurts. look, i don't knowthat i can do this. i'll tell you what,i'll just kneel over here,

and i'll rubyour shouldersfrom back here. no. sit behind mein the tub. oh, i can't do that. why not? well, for one thing,my clothes aregonna get all wet. well, then i guessyou bettertake them off. i got totell you something.you are gorgeous, and--and you'rea great actressand everything, but i got a wife at home.i can't cheat on my wife.

then leaveyour underwear on. what? if you leaveyour underwear on,then you can't cheat. it's just likegoing swimming. howard: i don't knowwhat it was, but she startedmaking a lot of sense. i reallyneed your help. my backreally hurts. fred: she's right.

could you startwith my shoulders? mmm. can you come aroundmy sides? i think i pulled a musclein my rib cage. i know how to givea man pleasure. feel... pleasure. oh. oh, wow. no, no, no.no, no, no,no, no, no.

stop that. stop. oh, whoa. oh, man. wow. thank you.oh, my. thanks. thanks--thanks for everything. listen, the premiereand everything. i just--i just got to go. you know, it was a greatinterview on the radio. thanks--thanks--thank you.

i really got to go. good-bye! [door closes] â™ª i'll take you there â™ª â™ª oh, oh â™ª â™ª oh! â™ª â™ª oh! oh! oh! â™ª â™ª mercy now â™ª â™ª i'm callin',callin' â™ª

â™ª callin'for mercy â™ª â™ª mercy, mercy â™ª [scrubbing] hey. how was it? so bad. so horrible. i just hadthe worst nightof my life. i mean, i can't evenbegin to tell youhow miserable i am. it is so late.i got to get to bed. i mean, no onerealizes i got to be up

at 4:00 in the morningin that radio station. i can't believehow late it is. go up and get in-- i--i just... i just need to rest.i need to get some sleep. horrible. god, let meget away with this, and i swear i'll never strayfrom alison again. never. howard on radio:i just want to thanksomeone this morning.

i want to thankbrittany fairchild for having myselfand fred out to, uh, her new movie.it was really good. fred, what'd you thinkof the movie? fred: i was very moved. i think a lot of uswere moved last night. ccc, am 1290, fm 107-- it's the fifth-largest marketin the united states, and they want meto start tomorrow,

which is a good sign,i think. that means they're,you know, they're really desperatefor me, which i like, and they say they'regonna move the buildingto the best part of the city, which i think is good, too--you know, pump moneyinto the facility-- and the station managersays we are gonna be the most aggressiveradio station in detroit. we are gonna dominatethe marketplace,which i lo-- are these yours?

they're wet. howard: alison's notcoming to detroit. i should havejust come home and told my wifeeverything,admitted the truth, 'cause now my wifedoesn't eventrust me anymore, and i don't blame herbecause i don'ttrust me, either. i'm a stupid idiot.i'm so stupid! what am i gonna do? i don't know.

i can alwayscount on youfor help, man. thanks.i appreciate it. listen, man, as soonas i get to detroitand things start happenin', i'm gonna get these guysto hire you, all right? fred, i'm serious.i'm not gonna forget ya. bye. [ted nugent's"cat scratch fever" playing] â™ª cat scratch fever... â™ª howard.how you doing, man?

how you doing, marvin? good to see you. good to see you, too. hey, patricia fonfara,meet howard stern.your newslady. hi. i'm reallylooking forwardto working with you. the duke of rock'sjust finishing up, and then we're gonnaget right inside, so... hey, marvin, what happenedto the new building? i told you, we're gonnabuild a new building.

first we got to buildan audience. heh. hey, the duke of rock'sgettin' ready to walk, but i want youto stick around, because we gota brand-new morning man-- looks like big birdto me-- coming next on w4 106 fm. what's happening, man? come on in, big bird.

how you doing, man?good to see ya. how's things? what's that?you're gonna do what? is that ri--well, now,how about that, kiddies? he's gonna havekermit the frog come in hereand sing the alphabet song, isn't that somethin'? coming up nexton "the big bird show." i got to go. see youat midnight tonight. this is the duke of rocksaying, if you can't be good,be bad, baby.

hi. how you doing? howard stern.nice to see you. listened to yourshow last night.it was great. lookin' forwardto working with you. don't hurt yourself,man. ok, thanks.thank you. what am ithanking him for? so let's review. my life sucked,

alison dumped me, i didn't know if she'dever come back to me, and now this thick wadis calling me big bird. 106 fm, wwww. i don't know.something in mejust snapped. my nameis howard stern, and welcome tothe new morning show, and we havea new feature for you. this is, uh,something special.

we havea traffic copter nowhere at wwww. let's go up tomama look-a boo boo dayin the traffic copter. mama, you there? hello? mama? uh. [helicopter flyingsound effect] [mama's voice]yes, hello. this ismama look-a boo boo day, the only blacktraffic reporterin the detroit area, i'm proud to say. pleasure to makeyour acquaintancethis morning, mama.

tell me, uh,what's going onin the traffic? first, a politicalstatement, if i may. kill, kill, kill... the white man, by eugenemama look-a boo boo day. eugene is my pen name'cause i wrote thiswhile i was in the pen. ok, here we go. kill, kill,kill the white man. kill himuntil he is dead.

kill the white man. [jimi hendrix's "all alongthe watchtower" playing] yeah, hi. can i speakto alison stern, please? this is her husband howard. it's howard. â™ª there must be somekind of way out of here â™ª â™ª said the jokerto the thief â™ª â™ª there'stoo much confusion â™ª â™ª i can't get no relief â™ª

â™ª businessmen, they'll â™ª â™ª they'll drink my wine â™ª â™ª plowmen dig my earth... â™ª [siren] you talk too much. andvery important, i want the timeand the temperature 4 timesevery 15 minutes,not 3. 4. my grandmotherdied last night.

i spent all night with herin the hospital. she--shehad a car accident. by the way, uh... it's 6:45. temperatureis, uh, 58 degrees. â™ª no reasonto get excited â™ª anyway, her headwent through the windshield. you know, it's funny,but her last words... â™ª the thief,he kindly spoke â™ª â™ª there are many hereamong us â™ª

i want you backso bad... â™ª who feel that lifeis but a joke â™ª â™ª but you and i,we've been through that â™ª â™ª and this not our fate... â™ª i had, like, no listeners, and the couple of listenersi did have would call in and tell mehow bad i sucked on a regular basis. although, i did manageto convince one of themto be my weather lady.

irene...the weather girl. irene, are you there? it's cold, real cold, but your assis gonna be plenty hot when i give you a good,hard butt-whipping. tongue. what do you thinkabout that? turns you on, doesn't it,you little maggot? irene, thank youfor the weather forecast.

we hope to hearfrom you tomorrow-- give us somemore weather. bite me, you loser. you shavedyour mustache. jeez. alison. it's great to see you. al, i miss you so much. i'm feelin' so miserablesince you left. i am just so uncomfortablein this detroit. i'm--

i'm willing to believeyou didn't sleepwith that girl. ok? and i understandyou're a somewhatabnormal person with a somewhatabnormal job.that i can accept. i deal with abnormalityevery single day. i don't need everythingin my life to be normal, and on the air,you do what you do.that's your job, but off the air,for me to bein this marriage... i need to knowi'm the only one, and i'm not saying thatto pressure you.

i'm saying it becauseit's just somethingi know about myself. so...if youneed more timeor whatever-- i don't needany more time. i am just so madlyin love with you. i don't...i don't needanyone else in my life. i never wanted anyoneelse in my life. all i want is you. i just want youto forgive me. thanks for coming back.

come on, you guys.right up herelooks perfect. isn't alison amazing? she's in town,like, two minutes, and alreadyshe's got a job workingwith a bunch of wackos. excuse me.mentally challenged. nice day, huh? what can i doto help here? well, i'm gonnaset up lunch... and you can play frisbeewith the guys.

start again.here we go. oh. i'm so sorry. listen, what yougot to do is, you got to putthis hand up, ok? and you got to tryand catch it, ok? all right,here we go. ready? here we go. i'm so sorry. you know whatwe're gonna do?

just tell methat you're ready.are you ready? y-yes. howard! howard! marvin. i was hopingi'd find you here. i have somevery exciting news! oh. are youall right? yeah. yeah. that was good.

you just got to waittill somebody looks, ok? hoo. uh, well,we decided that detroithas too many rock stations, so starting tomorrowwe're startinga new format, and it'll give usa real great edge. [country music playing] [yodeling]â™ª ooh ooh â™ª â™ª ooh-ooh-oohdee dee â™ª â™ª ooh doo â™ª â™ª doo-doopdoo-doo-doo â™ª

â™ª doo doo ooh â™ª â™ª ooh-ooh-oohdee dee... â™ª howdy, cowpokes. uh, i knowi shouldn't be interruptingin the middle of a song, but i got totell you something. i know a lot of you out therereally love this music, but i just don't get it. explain it to me, and maybe it's 'causei went to college,

and i never drove a truck and had sex withmy daddy's sister,but... i guess what i'mtrying to say is, i... i don't thinki'm the man for this job. so this is your old palhopalong howiesaying i quit. i--i think i quit. â™ª oh â™ª â™ª dee dee dee â™ª nothing.

what is it? i feel likesuch a loser. it's not your fault.it was a lame station. yeah, it was my fault. you can't blamea radio station.it's my screwup. in what way? in the way thati gotta figure outwhat i'm gonna be. i mean, i don't want to beone of these disc jockeys that runs around the country,you know, looking for workall the time.

i don't want toend up like that.it's so sad. it's so apparent to me nowwhat i should be doing. i should be talkingabout my personal life. i've got to get intimate, and every time i feellike i shouldn'tsay something, maybe i should just say it,just blurt it out, you know? i just got tolet things fly. i got to go all the way. you didn't goall the way before?

no. i mean... no. a lot of times,i'm just holding back. then i guess you shouldgo all the way. hold the signnice and low. the big smileslook very sexy. this is about howardcoming to washington. what'sgoing on here? um, we'reshooting a movie. hey,you got a permit?

uh, no, we don'thave a permit, but this is,like, one line, and we'll be donewith them in a second andwe'll be out of your way. you can't be there, then.you're blocking the median. come on, you'regonna have to move. um, this if forthe howard stern movie. wait a minute.you saidhoward stern? yeah.this is his movie. is howard here?

no, he's not here today,not in this scene, but this is his movie. come on.you got to move. tsk. give us a break.it'll take a second. just look rightat the camera, and say, "howardcomes to washington." howard comesto washington. hey, let's go!come on! howard's, like,a big fan of the cops.

he loves you guys. we could havebeen done by now. guess what.you are done. i was hired byan fm rock station, dc 101, and that's when i metthe other woman in my life. hi. i'm robin quivers,your newswoman. oh. oh, i'm reallylooking forwardto working with you. it's great to meet you. same here.

yeah, this isgonna be great. ok, i'm justgonna go over hereand work on my script. we're almost set. ooh. [clears throat] [clearing throat] [snort snort] [sniff sniff]ahem. dc 101. good morning.this is howard stern. welcome to the show.

i have a confessionto make. i did not get, uh,laid last night. in fact,i haven't gotten laidin a really long time. now, give me a callhere at dc 101 if you havethe same kindof problem. having troublewith your woman? give me a call.i'll help you out. let me introduce,over hereto my right, my beautiful newnewswoman robin quivers,who looks so beautiful,

i'm sure she doesn'thave any of thesesexual problems, but i must tell you,my life is, um,very odd. i get hornierand hornier. my wife, she comeshome from work,she goes to sleep. the whole week goes by,she never gets horny. robin, as a woman,what is it? do women get horny? sometimes. why is he talkingto his newsperson?

i'll havehim stop. what about youspecifically, though? when is the last timethat you werewith a man... sexually? about a year. you're serious? a year? a year,ladies and gentlemen. someone more patheticthan me.

this is good.this is good.we're getting somewhere. this is a gooddiscussion. uh, you know,i bought a book, "how to scorewith babes," and listento what it says. i thinkit's rather revealing. "when attemptingto score with a babe, "make sure to weartight pants. "if necessary,stuff a semirigid,large object

"into your pants to createthe appearance ofhaving a large penis." women like large penis. did hesay "penis"? i know about this stuff. i have no bulgein my crotch.i have a small penis, and i've never toldanyone this before-- and i don't thinkyou should start now. well, i've done it.now the cat'sout of the bag,

but this guywrote a good book. the author has sleptwith over 16,000 women, and, uh,take it from him. he sayswear tight pants. if he sleptwith 16,000 women, he wouldn't have timeto put on pants. that is true, too.i didn't consider that. why don't yougive me a callat dc 101 if you wantto talk about this.

we'll be backright after these words. you're a genius. that was great. that was interesting. didn't that feel good?that was great. you saywhatever you want. you have carte blanche. you and robin must not talkto each other on the air. and don't sing alongwith the music.

and you knowwhat else you could do? i'd like youto memorize the namesof the local high schools. and don't criticizewashington. it's not goodfor ratings. now, if you'll excuse us,we'd like to talk to robinalone for a second. wait. i wanted-- you knowwhat i want youto do for me, is to make up a gridof all your comedy bits and the correspondingdays of the week,

so that i'll know on which dayyou'll be doing which bit. i told you i workspontaneously.i think that i-- robin...don't encourage him. he's betterwhen he's toned down. we need you to bea friend here, robin. i'll seewhat i can do. great. appreciate it,robin. i think we shouldseparate them.

orioles over the red sox3-2 last night, extending the os'winning streak to 7. and finally,today is memorial day. sunny skies and warmtemperatures for veteransmarching in parades across the metropolitan area. highs today in the 70s.it's 58 degrees-- you know, robin, let meinterrupt for a second. i'm glad you brought upmemorial day. i was in vietnam.i'd like to talkto you about it.

i had 11 killsin vietnam, and i'm telling you,i reallyshould've had more. officially, i should'vehad more kills. let me tell youwhat i'm talking about. i was in a gook village,and i come upona schoolhouse. so i grab one ofmy grenades off my belt, and i throw it rightinto the schoolhouse, and i blow upthe whole damn thing. so i'm out therecounting all the bodies.

you threw a grenadeinto a school? that's exactlywhat i'm telling you. i must've killed,like, 200 kids. my dickhead lieutenantcomes up to me,and he says, "stern, those arelittle kids. that countsas one person." howard, i wasin the military. i was a captainin the air force.what were you? what was i? yeah, what were you?

what were you again? i was a captain. that's what i was.i was a captain. and what were you in? i was in vietnam. ohh! army? navy? in the army. did you have a division? 103rd.

103rd what? i was in the 103rd-- i don't knowwhat i was in, robin, but i'm saying i wasin the 103rd. and the pointof this whole thing is that i think a killis a kill is a kill, and killing a kidshould be just as goodas killing an adult. well, i suppose even ifyou're killing children,they should count them. i got some musicfor you now at dc 101.

[robin chuckles] ha ha! you're not even old enoughto have been in vietnam. duh. ha ha ha! i couldn't sit thereand not say something. i knew they had told menot to talk. i knew thati was going to getinto trouble if i did, but he was reallyonto something,

and i knew thatthere was somethinggoing on there... and i just went for it. well, this just camefrom the fcc. did you say "testicles"on the air? wait a second. screw the fcc.we just lost muffler man. hold on. we havea real problem here. i'm just tryingto get ratings. i am just tryingto run a radio station.

i understand that,and i'm telling you that the commercialsponsors are thereonce you get the ratings. this is a very bigproblem. they're gonna belining up 10 in a row. you listen to me,you stupid asshole. radio is a business, andyou just cost us $40,000. wait a second.if i do a lame show,it's never gonna take off. i'm calm.i am perfectly calm. d.c. carpet canceledbecause of him.

well, i've reachedmy limit. i don't know aboutyou, but my backis against the wall. will everyonejust sit down? i just want to sayone thing. i really think this show'sstarting to take off. there's a buzzon the street about it. if we just give it a chance,if we just take some timewith it, i think everything'sgonna be ok. don't pushyour luck, howard.

robin leach: the countdownto our "live life likea millionaire sweepstakes" is getting closer. we're going tohave winners take... hey! hi, honey. robin leach says weshould move to antigua. oh, yeah?come on, hurry up. snap to.i'm ovulating. i'm in the middle ofimportant show research.

howard, seriously,come on. you know what?you're gettingbaby fever here. and you know, maybeit's a little premature. i'm about 3 days awayfrom being fired,the way i figure it, and do you wantto know something? you got to think aboutthe economics of this. you're gonna bethe best morning manin the history of radio. at any minute, you'regonna be number one. is that so?

yeah! strip! let me tell you something.look at yourself. you're completely on fireabout having a baby. you don't understand.i'm not a piece of meat. i mean,i have to be romanced. oh, yeah. please. ooh, look at that bra.where did you get that? you like this? ok. that's it.that's it!

i am making a baby! it's baby time! i'm readyto give you a baby. hold on. ok. now i'm hot. now i actuallywant to have sex. i didn't before,and now i do. robin, watch this. look at this. what am i doing?

uh, having a seizure? that's not a seizure.that's me dancing because i'm happy'cause i got laidlast night. oh! yeah, i really did. in fact,it was not for lust. it was 'cause i wasmaking a kid. in fact, my wife's eggsare very old. they're very, you know,she's getting older.

but my spermis like supersperm, so i'm pretty sureeverything was deliveredin one shot. oh, yeah.your sperm are fine. my sperm are fantastic.i'm fantastic. i'm in a good mood.let's takesome phone calls and see what's doingout there. hi, you're on the air. woman caller: hi.is this howard stern? this is howard.

oh, wow.anyway, i was calling because i havea really big problem. what's your problem? well, every morningi lie in bed, and the only thingi can do is think of you. really? well, let'ssee if we can't help youwith your problem. what do you look like? well, i've got blond hair,and i've got blue eyes, and my measurementsare about 38-24-34.

some people tell me i looka lot like farrah fawcett. i can help you.robin, i can helpthis girl. you know, we have the mostbeautiful audience. we certainly do. we'revery fortunate that way. you knowwhat we're gonna do tosolve your problem? i'm gonna have sexwith you right nowover the radio. caller: how are wegonna do that? very simple.i've thought thisthrough, robin. first of all, what kindof radio are youlistening to us on?

you have a transistorradio, or you have one ofthose big sound systems? caller:i have one of thosebig sound systems. good. ok. could youturn the trebleall the way down and put the bassall the way up? ok. the treble's down,and the bass is up. howard: take your speaker--you got a big speaker? caller: yes, i do. lay it flaton the floor.

and i want you to sortof straddle the speaker. howard! caller: do what? a woman cannot be arousedin that way. howard: no.this is really wrong, robin.you're absolutely wrong. in fact, my fatherwas a radio engineer, and he provedthis theory years ago. you've got to believe. now, what i need you to dois put your private areaover the woofer.

caller: i can't believe youreally want me to do this. howard: come on, do it. right up against itso you can feel me. i'm on. robin: oh, i haveto ask her a question. what kind of a womanare you to have sexthis way on the radio? don't answerthat question.bad question, robin. you're gonna ruinthis woman's mood. she might startsecond-guessing.

are you readyto have sex? caller, giggling:oh, my god. [hummming] [humming] oohh! ooh. it kinda tingles. see? it tingles.she likes it. yeah, sure. ohh! oh...

[howard humming] she's full of it. [caller moans,howard hums] aahh! ohh! oh! oh! listen to her, robin.she's going wild. you got me moaning. [moans] [moaning]

oh, my goodness. [laughs] this is the best sexi ever had. ooh! standing ovation.thank you. oh, boy. take your bows. a woman on the airhad an orgasm. have you lost your mind? but you got to admit,it was a funny bit.

the audience lovedthat stuff. we just lost stereo city. this is not muffler man.this is stereo fucking city. dee dee, you knowthere's gonna beother sponsors. no, there's not, howard,'cause your career is over.you're finished. come on!how can you say that? dee dee,i don't believe it. he's up. he's up?

in the new ratings book,he's up...two points. i love you. two full points,and pizza shack called. they want to buy timeon the stern show. i go to pizza shackall the time. great. this is a great timeto talk about putting some moneyinto the show. i know a guyout of hartford. he does voices.he does comedy.

absolutely not.this could be a fluke. i guarantee you, we'll go up two fullrating pointsif you hire this guy. this guymust be hot. this guy istotal personality. he's electric. [van halen's"you really got me" playing] [imitatingwilliam frawley]hey, rick. how's tricks, buddy?

[imitating desi arnaz]fred, i've beencoughing all day. i feel like i'm aboutto cough up a lung. [cough] blecch! [imitating lucille ball]waaa! both:oh, no! it's lucy! â™ª you got me so i can'tsleep at night â™ª â™ª girl,you really got me now â™ª â™ª you got me so i don't knowwhere i'm going â™ª howard:thank you very much.

â™ª oh, yeah, you reallygot me now â™ª â™ª you got me soi can't sleep at night â™ª â™ª you really got me,you really got me... â™ª howard: once the 3of us were together,everything felt right. i mean, things reallystarted to take off. it was then that i madea startling discovery. she's a very beautiful girl.you're telling me thisbeautiful woman is a lesbian? howard: lesbiansequal ratings. now let me say something.

i am the heroof the lesbiancommunity, am i not, robin? i guess you are. i absolutely am. all right. now,let's get into it. julie, i want youto tell us about your firstlesbianic experience. tell meabout the secret worldof lesbian sex. well, howard, i was 18. oh, you were so young.

right, and i was workingat a summer camp. and i was lyingin my bunk when the campdirector's wifewalked in. ooh, now, that's hot. uh, everyone was asleep, and i'm lyingin my bunk, and she sees melooking at her. howard: and thenwhat happens? she, like, signalsfor me to go with her.

what are you sleeping in? 'cause this iswhat i picture. little cotton panties witha tight little undershirt. no. i'm wearing,like, little baby-dollpajamas. oh, you tease. so then she takes meinto this tent. when you walk in,lesbians all overthe place, right? i mean, a whole lesbiansex festival, right? [chuckles]oh, you know it, howard.

man: howard? alison on line 3.it is important. do you believe this,in the middle of"lesbian dating game," my wife calls in? robin:maybe she wants to play. honey, you want to play?you want a date with julie? alison: am i on the air? yes, honey, of courseyou're on the air. i told themi wanted to talk to youoff the air.

but, honey, you're inthe middle of interruptinga beautiful, sexy moment. you've got to tell everyone.my audience wants to knowwhy you're interrupting. don't you want to know,robin? i think we deserve to. yes, honey--uh-oh, al?i think she's gone. alison: i'm pregnant. robin: congratulations,howard. it's my supersperm.i knew my superspermwould do it, robin. you are so blessed.

julie says we're blessed,honey, and julie would knowthese things. alison: well, i appreciateher support. can we talkprivately now? absolutely, sweetheart. wait a minute. does sheknow what she's gonna have? is it gonna be a lesbian? oh, please, robin!you have gone too far. no offense, julie.please, i don't needthis aggravation. we're gonna take a break.we'll get back to making outwith the lesbians

right after these words. alison: hey. i can't believe it. i can't believeyou made me do thaton the air. it's so exciting.did you callyour mother? i called, i called.i feel so different. i know. oh, my god.oh, my god. i'm flippingout, too.

i'm somebody'sfather. oh, my god! [crowd chanting "howard"] reporter:love him or hate him, unconventionaldisc jockey howard stern jumped to the topof the ratings today, making him number onein greater washington. i took a dumpof a radio stationand returned it to glory. i looklike hitler.

i was thrilled,totally overjoyed. i mean, we were gonna haveour first child, and 6 weeks later,the new ratings came out. we destroyed every otherstation in the market. my life was perfect. i'm gonna grabthis guy's hat, if they show it. howard on tv:i'll tell youanother thing... look, watch this.

you're gonna miss it. come here. howard on tv:i am officer howie, and there'sa new law in town.we're taking over. alison: how! [crowd chanting"howard"] al, are you ok? i thinksomething's wrong. even if i put youin the hospital

and i pumped you fullof every medication possible, you still would've lostthe pregnancy. and your body rejectedwhat was going on,and that's so healthy. it's such a good wayto look at it, and in a couple ofmonths, we're gonna tryto have a baby again, and everything'sgonna go great. you're gonna betotally confident thateverything's going good because you know yourbody would reject it if it wasn't goingright...you know?

i have to tellmy parents. not really.we don't have totell your parents. you knowwhat you could do? i didn't wantto tell you this, but i took a polaroidof the toilet. and we can justmail them a pictureof that, and they canwalk aroundflorida, you know, and say, "this isour grandchild," and your motherwill be so happy.

she just wantspictures to showher friends. you know that. she just wants to belike all the otheryentas who walk around. you know, we could namethe baby and everything.clumpy...clumpy stern. she could walk aroundwith your father andlittle clumpy pictures. chorus, on tape:â™ª all the weather â™ª â™ª now here's god â™ª your holiness. howard as god:hello, howard.

there you are. i see your wifehad a miscarriage. aw, don't bringthat up, god. please, that's waytoo personal. you tried to have a baby,and you failed. oh, man! now the baby is with me! this is crazy. boy, what a loseryou are.

wow! he's getting awfullypersonal this morning. hey, god, me andmy wife are tryingto have another baby. a real man would have done itright the first time. oh, for god's sake. it will be pleasant today. rain tomorrow. [baby crying] that's my kid up there. this is godwith the weatheron dc 101.

you're all wrong, god. you're completelyout of linethis morning. i don't think we should betalking about this. i went to the doctorwith my wife, and it wasan awful experience, becausethe doctor walks out,and there's your kid, your beautiful child, and he's no bigger thanthe size of an aspirin. howie jr., no biggerthan the sizeof an aspirin. robin: was it a boy?

it was a boy, yes.little, tiny feet. and then you lookat him, and he'sin the formaldehyde jar, and i said to my wife,"honey, don't be upset "that howard jr.'sin a formaldehyde jar. "we're gonna take himout of this office,we'll bring him home, and next week we'llbring him to the zooin a stroller." oh, please! i don't want to talkabout it, robin. i really thinkyou need counseling.

i'm gonna play a record.dc 101. we got some great tunesfor you this morning, and then robin willanalyze me when weget back from this song. very sad music. ["taps"playing] not that, fred. playsomething else, please, for god's sake. dc 101. here'srock 'n' roll for you. [music playing]

hi. al, you home? hi. how you feeling?you ok? how could you do that?do you thinkthat was funny? you think it's funnyto make jokes about ourpersonal life like that? you're an asshole. what are youtalking about? alison, i love you.what are you talking about? howard, not everythingis for your audience. i need a lifethat is ours,that belongs to us.

i'm on the air 5 hours a day.i'm trying to come upwith material. i hate going out. too bad! i said when we came here,if i was gonna winon the radio, i'd have to talkabout everything.i couldn't hold back. howard--come on, last nightwe were laughing about this. i just assumedyou thought it was funny. it was funny for uslast night. privately, for us.

alison, if i don'ttalk about you and meon the air... shut up. shut up. the audience isn'tgonna be there. shut up! shut up! i won'tmake any money. shut up!you disgust me! i can't even lookat you, idiot! it's hard, you know? when he sharesour most personal detailsof our life together

with, you know,millions of listeners,it's... i wish thatthere were more thingsthat could be just ours... but i think it's right thati go crazy, you know? you know, i think...i don't know. it's not simple. our entire washingtonradio audiencehas disappeared. it seems the competitionhas a disc jockey that's caused a bit of a shiftin the listening patterns. one disc jockeyhas wiped outour entire audience?

can we get him? i've got such good news.it's gonna blow your mind. all right.you go first. ok. all right,that's rude.you go first. go first. ok. listen to this. i listen to radio.i like show. but don't make funof the chinese people. make fun, not funny.

i didn't make funof the chinese people,did i? probably. i bringegg rolls. what is your news?what is it? it's unbelievable. i got a job offer todayfrom wnbc in new york. afternoon drive, the mostpowerful radio stationin their chain, $150,000 a year, and they saidif i do really well,

they're gonnasyndicate my programall over the country. this is it. this iseverything i want. it's like--it's the dream,the big apple. i'm pregnant. you're pregnant? come here.just come here. my god. pregnant? so what's going on?what's gonna happen?

everything's good. yeah? she's gonnaget naked? yeah, sure. of course. all right.let's get her out.let's do it. she'll get naked? yeah. that's whywe're here, man. ok, honey. hi. how's it going?

good. this is gary. how you doing? good. i'm sorry. i knowi told you i'd do this, but i reallychanged my mind. i don't want to do itanymore. ok. what's, uh, like,what's the problem? what are youworried about? i just changed my mind.

husband:what do you mean?you are doing it. we didn't drive herefor you to changeyour mind. no. it's just veryhumiliating to me. what's humiliating? it's not that biga deal. we've done it a loton the show. i think howard wouldappreciate it if youwould do it for us. no. i changed my mind,and i'm really sorry. i know i told youthat i'd do it,but i don't want to.

i think it'svery humiliating. husband: honey, thisis not humiliating.this is show business. you got a great body.let everybody see it. yeah.you're beautiful. you're my husband.don't make me do somethingi don't want to do. i'm proud of you,and i want you to do it. that's why we drove herefrom jersey. what the hell isthis donkey here for? nobody told me anythingabout a donkey.

it's a show businessdonkey. the donkey's not partof the act. it had nothingto do with you. you'll feel at easeonce we go do it. it'll justtake two seconds. right now, i need to know,are you doing it or not? no, i'm not. honey, you are doing it. i changed my mind.and you're my husband.you should support me.

howard goes to new york. thanks for nothing, guys.gino, let the donkey go. come on, guys.wrap it up.they're not doing it. [david bowie's"let's dance" playing] â™ª let's dance â™ª â™ª put on your red shoes â™ª â™ª and dance the blues â™ª â™ª to the song they'replaying on the radio... â™ª reporter:what you're about to hearis going to shock you

because it's vulgarand obscene. it's x-rated radio,barnyard radio. you mommies and daddiesout there who complainedto the radio station, i got somethingto say to you. here. [passes gas] reporter: this is a storywith a twist. while we were producingthis report, howard stern waslured away from washingtonby a new york city station. that station,you guessed it, is wnbc--

[tv clicks off] this person is cominghere to work atour flagship station? brad, you gave thistrash-talking bastarda 3-year deal without even hearing himon the air? yes, roger. he's on the fcc'smost-wanted list. roger, his rate-- chuck, will you showhim the numbers. through the roof.

no, no. don't bother. you're fired,all of you. get out. get out! you know,unless he quits, it's gonna cost halfa million dollars to buystern's contract out. i reject thaton principle. uh, mr. erlick,if i may? put me in chargeof the stern show.

let me ride herd on him, and i'll moldthat son of a bitchinto another don imus. when i'm throughwhipping him, that boy will beasking permissionto wipe his ass. you want to tame him? well,either i'll tame him, or i'll make himso crazy he'll quit. so either way,we win. i'll tell you,these halls are, like,

you know, uh,legendary. it's pretty wild. kenny. howard stern. hi. hey,how you doing? great to meet you. oh, it is sucha pleasure to meetyou, howard. what can i say?this is unbelievable,you know. kenny is the hottestyoung programmerin new york city. howard, you gottalisten to this man'cause he's a genius.

come on, now.ha ha ha ha. play nice. kenny: thanks, man.god bless. good seeing you.i'll see you later. he's terrific. oh, yeah,he's been terrific. everyone's been so nice.it's a good feeling. howard, how aboutyou have a seat? oh, howard, howard,howard, howard,howard.

[both chuckling] howard...the way we work hereat nbc... is a more professionalmanner than you'reprobably used to. now, see, i don't careabout what you diddown in washington, 'cause that'schickenshit radio. here at nbc,this is real radio, and the first thingyou've gotta do is say the call lettersproperly, ok? now, i'm gonna teach youhow to say them,all right?

and you know,i hope you can get them, because, see,you don't havea real good voice like imusor captain frankor nothing, so we're gonnahave to practice it. well... you mean practicein here now? you're not going to getbashful on me now,are you, howard? ok, you ready? the way it's saidproperly is...

w n...bc. this is key. come on. [unenthusiastically]w n...bc. no. no. it's gotta be morelike this. [clears throat]listen up. [voice lilting]w n...bc. you hear that?

kinda lift,that n...bc. [overemphasizing]w n...bc. [together]w n...bc. wider and kind of... one more. in my mind,i'm hearing-- it sounds like i'm sayingexactly what you're saying. no. actually-- you've gottalisten to imus.

imus does itperfectly. tell you what. i'm gonnatake you down to imus'office right now, and you're gonna hearhow he does it.come on, boy. you know, i-- i gotta tell yousomething, kenny. i always saw myselfsort of somethingdifferent than imus. that's whyyou hired me. you are original.you are original,but...[clears throat] you say a lotof offensive things,

and occasionallyyou are real funny, but you've gotto learn to dowhat imus does. see, he doesn'tactually say the badthing himself. he says itthrough a character. yeah, well,i don't do character-- how aboutyou go on the air3:00 a.m. this morning, show ussome characters. ok? good. now,i'm gonna go in there and just seehow he's feeling.you stay here. ok?

mr. imus? back then, don imus was the number-onedisc jockey in new york, so i guess i was kind ofcurious to meet him. imus: you areinterrupting me. kenny: i have, uh,howard stern outside. you have who outside? the young manfrom washingtonthat we-- you have howard sternoutside my fucking office?

how did howard sternget outsidemy fucking office? i brought him down-- well, i'm not gonnameet that stupid fuck.he's nothing. fuck off! â™ª 66 â™ª â™ª wnbc â™ª hello. i'm robin quivers, and it's my great pleasureto introduce you to new york'snewest disc jockey.

howard, lisping:ooo-ey, that's me. hi.i'm lance eluxinaon w n...bc. wnbc. i'm so excited because i amnew york's first evergay disc jockey. ever! and now i want tointroduce to you-- this isso exciting-- i want to introduceto you

someoneso marvelous,so wonderful to me, someone whohas supported me, is my life mate,my soul mate,my love mate. he's everythingand anything to me,mr. blackswell. [lisping]willkommen. bienvenue. welcome. oh, robin,it's so lovelyto see you here today. hi, mr. engineer. hi. mmm. give mea kiss. mmm! you two are justadorable together,

and it's a wonderful thingto have you here, but i understandthere's alreadybeen a problem? yes. you knowabout this? i was in the programdirector's office. his nameis pig vomit. yes, because helooks like a pig, and he makes youwant to vomit. he's pig vomit. anyway, pig vomitsays to me,

"this is not wnbc. "it is w n...bc,w n...bc," and i was not sayingthe call letters right. it's a big problem, so in orderto rectify this, i brought in a cupof blackswell's semen. semen? i squoze it myself. i hope it'snot too tangy.

and what are yougonna do with it? i'm gonna garglewith this and say the call lettersover and over againuntil i get it right. you thinkthat'll work? i don't care, 'causei love the tasteof a man. ooga. ooga. all right, if i couldhave some music now. mr. engineer, please,some music. would you, please?would you give usa record,

por favor? [k.c. and the sunshine band's"keep it coming, love" playing] ok, thank you. now watch and learn. â™ª la la lala la la â™ª [gargling] w n..bc. thar she blows. [garglingwith record]

oh. can you believe it? you just swallowed. i swallowed.oh, my god. waste not,want not, robin. i wanna say i lovew n...bc. see? it worked.i can say it. wnbc, please hold. â™ª stop it now... â™ª so we gave themsome characters, right?

get in. you goddamnmotherfuckers. you fucking waltzin here, and you thinkyou know everything,don't you? well, i fuckingworked my fuckingass off to getto new york city, and you sureas fuck are not gonnafucking blow itfor me! i was justdoing character--

barry, jerry, clarify the situationfor him, please. page 108,paragraph 3: "no jokes dealingwith flatulence, "excretion,urination,ejaculation, or otherbodily functions." also note paragraph 2: "no use of the so-called7 dirty words. "these arecocksucker, motherfucker,

fuck, shit, cunt,cock, and pussy." now, from now on,all your little bits are gonna be undertwo minutes in duration, and all scripts--and i do meanall scripts-- requiremy personal approval. welcome to nbc, howard. â™ª 66, wnbc â™ª it's time for"the match game." and thank you,mr. announcer.

hi, everybody.my name is gene sternburn, and welcometo "match game." we have a lot of excitementin the air today because we havesome great panelists. let me introduce youto everybody. first of all, i want tointroduce all of you to a very, very charmingand beautiful lady, the very beautifulmiss brett somers. how are you, baby?

[imitating somers]hi, gene. hygiene, that's somethingi don't think you have. hey, back off. ok, and let's nowgo over to somebodywho i really admire, the ex-presidentof the united states,mr. richard nixon. [imitating nixon]hello, everybody. hello. i'm very, very honoredright now to introduce to all of youa very special man. he's come allthe way to our showfor the first time.

mr. jackie "the jokeman"martling. well, thank you, gene.that's very nice of you. let's play our game now,ok? shall we? and what we're gonna dois ask you to fill inthe blank, ok? now, i want youto listen carefully. our first clue up is... blank willow. let's go over tomiss brett somers right now. now, brett, what did youhave for us? blank willow.

the only thingon my mind, gene, was pussy. uh-oh. pussy. hey, all right. hey, that's kind of wild. pussy willow, that'swhat i would have said. all right, let's go over todick nixon, former presidentof the united states. what did you have?blank willow. in any language,pussy.

all right! now let's goto our newest member of the panel, mr. jackie "jokeman"martling. blank willow. well, gene, i didn'twrite it too neat, so i havea sloppy pussy. sloppy pussy! we got a sloppyand a fuzzy pussyand a very big one. are we talkingabout brett again?

all right, now,let's keep going. now it's gonna geta little rougher, ok? everybody ready? blank a-doodle-doo. you think about that whilethe celebrities are writing. here we go. let's go overto our dick nixon, our own ex-president.what do you got there, dick? well, it takes a dickto know a cock,and that's what i wrote. cock-a-doodle-doo.

now, that's whati would have said. that seemedlike the obvious answer. ok, let's go to our ownjackie "the jokeman" martling. jackie the jokeman? gene, i have cock,and i wrote it big. i have a big cock. uh, i don't thinkyou can say "big cock"on the radio. i think that's a no-no. but i justsaid pussy.

yeah, shejust said pussy. yes, pussy is ok.it's the way he says it. "big cock" comingout of your mouthsounds awfully dirty. so i can't say"big cock," but you can say"big cock comingout of my mouth"? that's correct. that sucks. did you just say,"big cock comingout of your mouth sucks"? all right,enough of this nonsense.

we gotta moveto miss brett somers. just like the boys,gene, i've gotcock. there it is, cock-a-doo--do me a favor and hold that upso i can see your cock. aw, gene,don't have oneof your own? all right, there it is.cock, cock, cock. i must tell you, though,we have to end this funright now. i want to thank all of you.give yourselves a big hand. [laughing and clapping]

ok, let's havea little music, phil. you did not have permissionto do that bit. i never approved that script,goddamn it, howard! wait a second.calm down, ok, kenny? there's a perfectlygood explanation. i'm all ears, howard.let's hear it. i gave the scriptto fred. [imitating nixon]and i gave it to robinover there. oh, that's right.i'm sorry, kenny.

i forgot to put itin your box. there you go.perfectly good explanation. it'll never happen again,kenny. you're goddamn rightshe's never gonna do itagain. you're fired. gather your things together,robin. let's go. wait a second, kenny.what are you talking about? she had nothingto do with the bit. it was all me. pack up your shit.i'm not kidding. let's go.

kenny, you can't blamesomeone over one lousy bit. you can't go firing them. oh, yes, i can, howard. robin, getthe fuck out! listen to me.listen to me. if you give mea couple of days, i know i can get youback on the air. forget it. they're tryingto break us apart.they're trying to beat us.

that's the whole point.you and fredshould quit, and we should gosomewhere else. quit? if i quit,they win. don't you see?i don't want them to win.i can't quit. you're notgonna quit? you're gonnalet 'em throw me outlike garbage? no.i want to beat these guys,stomp them into the ground. the only way to do thatis to stay on the air. i've gotta stayon the air, robin.

you're pathetic. i'm not pathetic. just give me a couple of daysto make them understand. i can convince these guysto bring you back. i know i can do that.i have that ability. they're gonnahire you back. how canyou say "fuck you"? [horn honks] hey, move it,asshole! she thinksi'm total scum.

she thinksi'm lower than scum. she thinks you'reletting her take the fall. well, what do you think? i think you've beenloyal to every personyou've ever worked with. that's the way you are,you know? you'll find a wayto get her back. in fact,i feel sorry for nbc, because as soonas you start in on them, they're gonna be sorrythey ever fired herin the first place.

you're right. howard, fred,i'd like you to meetyour new newsman, ross buckingham. hi. pleasure. i'm looking forwardto joining the team. now, old ross here'squite lively, and i think he'llfit in well with your specialbrand of humor. as a matter of fact,

i'm a bit ofan old comedy man myself. i've done quite a bitof light comedyin my younger years. summer stock...mostly. hundreds of peoplegathered in central parkthis afternoon to remember former beatlejohn lennon, who was murderedtwo years ago today.lennon's killer-- hey, let meask you something, ross. were you a beatles fan? uh...y-yes,i--i was, once.

lennon's killer,mark david chapman-- now, mark david chapman--now, there's a guywe gotta talk about, ross. mark david chapman,what do you make of him? i mean, he's probablyin a prison cell right nowenjoying himself. i say electrocute him.you gotta be withthat program, huh, ross? i hope this was a good idea. ross: uh, i thinkwe're supposed to be havingthe news now. howard: forget that.just repeat after me, ross.

i want to killmark david chapman. are we ready in there,freddy boy? ok. we've got our nextphone call to ross. guess who'son the phone with us. i really have no idea. just take a wild guess.do it right off the topof your head. um... this is a good one.it's a good mystery guest. what an ad-libber, ross.

all right, i don'twant to put you undertoo much pressure. hi. is thisbetty jean rushton? yes, it is. betty jean, hi.it's howard stern, i work withyour husband kenny. yes. kenny'smentioned you. oh, i bet kenny has. the reason i'm callingis because your husband has been very bitchyaround here lately,

and i'm thinkingthat maybe if you gave himsome more sex... more sex? yeah. he's backed up.isn't he backed up, ross? yes. you know, you mightbe right about that, howard. oh, really?i think i am right. you ever do that again,i'll kill you. i need robin.she's the anchoron the show. that'swhat's missing. you have violatedmy wife.

i did not. you soiled the sanctityof my home! what are you saying?i didn't do anything. i wouldn't even bedoing bits like that if robin was with me. i never would have evencalled his wifeon the air if i had robinsitting there. she's the voiceof reason. you know what?you know whatyou are, stern?

you're the antichrist. yes, that'swhat you are! you are the motherfuckingantichrist! kenny, take it easy. well, this isan exciting day for ushere in the studio because we have a stage starwith us. this is donna porterwith us on the show, and she's here to talkabout life in the theater, and, donna, i don't knowif you know this,

but our own news guyross buckingham actually has sometheater experience as well,don't you, ross? do you want to tell usabout that? yes. um...i once didsome summer stock. i know you're very,very proud of your summer stockexperience. when you went on stagethe very first time, did you everget nervous? no, i was...quite comfortable.

i see.that's very interesting. then, in 1926, general sarnoffformed nbc radio, america's first network. i guess you could sayi was a little nervous the first timei was ever on stagewith a 12-inch kielbasa. now, why is that? can i show you? sure. i think we'd liketo see what you have.

right now,you're getting a lookat a live broadcast of "the howard sternshow." that's about 13 inches, and you'relicking whipped creamoff a kielbasa, and you're putting itin your mouth, and you're jammingthe kielbasa all the way downyour throat. oh, my god.look at that. the entire kielbasais going down.

she has swallowedan entire 13-inchkielbasa. look at that.a full 13 inches,ladies and gentlemen. wow. you gottalove that, folks. you gotta love it,don't you, ross? ross buckingham,have you ever seen a woman swallowan entire 13-inch kielbasa? when you werein the theater, did you ever workwith a kielbasa? what he did to me today

was the most unprofessionaland insulting experienceof my life. i hold you and this stationpersonally responsible. if you want to fire me,fire me. go ahead, but i refuse to work withthis man one minute longer. good day. ok, it's 5:35 at w n...bc. time for the news. i'm not real goodat this, i confess, but i'm trying...

who the fuckare we gonna get? beats me. no one wantsto work with him. is it monaco or mon-aco? monaco? that's what i thought.monaco. well, anyway, she's dead. you know,i'm thinking about... what aboutkelly landers? absolutely refuses.

says she'd rather quit. i have a theorythat he is the one who cut the brakeson the car. now, i could be crazy,but i figure a guywho's been married as long as prince reindeeris ready for a new wife. i mean, princess grace--beautiful womanand all that-- but she was losing her looks.let's be honest. there were bagsunder those eyes. in other news,

one of italy'shighest-rankingpolice officials, general alberto decarlo... kenny, we're one ofthe biggest radio stationsin america. we can't justnot do the news. my program directorpig vomit gets assassinatedby sicilians in palermo. wouldn't that be wonderful? i want to prayto god right now. jesus christ,who i love so much,

more than anythingin the whole world, i am begging you,please... send a hit man tothe united states of america to kill pig vomit finally. thank you. i love you, god. i'll do whatever you sayif you just make thatcome true. â™ª howard stern, wnbc â™ª so if we bring robin back,you'll behave? absolutely.robin's my anchor.

you can't trust him. kenny,that's not fair, and quite frankly,i'm just a littlebit hurt that you'reso incapableof being supportive, and, vin, please, ifyou hire robin back, i promise youyou won't be sorry. you have my word. we hate noise.isn't that right, jerry? yeah. makes me nuts.

no, it'sa very quiet street. you're gonna like it here. [knocks on door] excuse me for a second. you're back.i got you back. it's a miracleof all miracles. i can't talkright now. oh, hello.how are you? i even got you an office.you're all set.

i'm showingmy apartment now. you're lookingat this apartment? let me tell you something.there are roaches the sizeof dogs here. i don't advise youliving here. it is disgusting.take a look behindthe fireplace. you'll see. excuse me.i'll come back and tell you. what the helldo you thinkyou're doing? robin, you got your job back,so what's the problem? the problem is thatwhen i needed you,

you didn't standbehind me. robin, those guysare assholes.they screwed you, and they screwed me.we gotta get backin there and beat them. we were supposedto be a team. we are a team,for god's sakes. we're gonna bethe greatest teamin the history of radio. come on.what's the big deal? look at me, robin.robin... see this?

look what i'm doing. you know what i'm doing?i'm begging you. i'm begging you. i'm serious. come here.i'm gonna kiss your feet. look at these gams. look at these feet. i'm worshipping your foot. look at me, robin.

what are you doing? people are lookingat us. i'm begging you to--i'm liking it down here. hey, robin, you love this,don't you? it gives megreat pleasure now to welcome backon our show the very beautiful,multitalented... uh, vivacious...

tight-sweatered... beautifully big-breastedrobin quivers. i love her. may i say that you arebeautifully big-breastedagain? thank god you're back,'cause the show suckedwithout you. actually, i justwant to say how muchi really missed you and... aww. that i really do love you, and i'm justso glad you're back. ok there, mr. rushton,

you pick up the phone,and it rings rightinto my booth. good, but don'tanswer it. immediately disconnectstern's microphone, dump out of the delay,and go straightto a record. that would be it,sir. always have a recordready to go. yes, sir. this little puppy'sfinally gonna gethousebroken. oh, look at this, robin.this is unbelievable.

oh, the underpantsare coming off. that isthe first naked ladyin the history of radio. sans panties, sans bra. i am shocked. so am i.this is disgraceful. we should be takenoff the air. you've finally done it. ohh! beautiful.you're a work of art.did you know that? thank you, howard.

let me tell yousomething. now, to ensure our placein the history of radio, mandy has agreedto actually geton the floor with me and give me a massagewhile she is nude. what does a massagehave to do with making itinto history? who knows?i don't know.massage, schmas. i just gottaget touched. i can't wait,howard. you can't wait?

let me tell you something-- i'm not kidding around--you are beautiful, and my thoughtsare right in the gutter. you understand what i mean? this is the tudor,right? center-hall plan,very traditional. naked woman:i've been thinkingabout you, too. only reasonit's for sale isthey're divorcing. would you believe80% of my listingsare from divorces?

howard: mmm.for god's sakes. now, what do you suggestwe do here? why don't youcome lay over hereand get comfortable? i could do that. all right. i can't believemy luck here. don't hurt yourselfgetting over there. i won't. all right,hold on a second.

let me getmy cans on. ooh, you know what?you know--oh, man. let me soak you in. holy cow,are you naked. you know what i likeabout you? i like that you'rethe perfect height. i could have sexwith you standing up. look at that. ooh. robin:howard! you're married.

i am? i mean, i am. well, i'm not reallymarried anymore. what do you mean? take a seat.i'll tell youwhat happened. my wife was sufferingfrom cancer--i nevertold you this-- and she died last night. i've been singlefor exactly 6 hours. honey, if you'reup there now, i know you can hear me,and you're at god's side,

but i want you to coveryour ears and eyes. besides, you're marriedto god now... your husband'squite a character. only on the radio.it's just an act. oh, oh, that's nice.no one's ever touched melike this before. let me ask yousomething. you have the lookof love in your eyes, but i'm an ugly man.i know this. you couldn't bephysically attractedto me, could you?

physically, i am. i mean, you're smart.you're sexy. wait. excuse mefor one minute. robin-- i didn't say a thing. robin, go upto the cafeteriaand get some lunch. yeah, go ahead.tell me more about me. you're funny. you know what i woulddo to you physically? i don't know whati'd do, but let mejust say something.

whatever it is,it would last 3 seconds. 3 seconds,i'd be finished. we would have sex,like, 10 times a day.you would love it. i kind of want towrap my legs around you. you do? the average radio listenerlistens for 18 minutes. the average howard stern fanlistens for-- are you ready for this? an hour and 20 minutes.

how can that be? answermost commonly given: "i want to seewhat he'll say next." all right, ok, fine. but what about the peoplewho hate stern? good point.the averagestern hater... listens for2 1/2 hours a day. look, but if theyhate him, why do they listen?

most common answer: kenny. fucking twisted. what? you betterlisten to this. howard: this is nice.you wanna know something? this isthe god's honest truth. come here.i want to tell you closer. i am fully aroused right now.i am totally engorged. naked woman:well, after the show,

why don't we go someplace elseand see how it feels? really?that's great. you know why i love you?'cause you're smart. and you're practicallya virgin, right? [telephone buzzing] practically. [buzz buzz] i'm gonna be so honestwith you now. i've neversaid this before.

i'm telling you,i'm a full 2 1/2 inches, and i've neverbeen 2 1/2--what's the music? we're off the air. are we off the air? oh. would you do me a favor?just stay right there, ok? what the hell's going on?what are you doing, man? look, rushton told me,this phone-- oh, come on, man.don't listen to kenny. i'm just doing whathe told me, that's all.

shit, man, you don'ttake me off the air in the middleof a fucking bit. come on.don't listen to kenny. you're supposedto listen to me. he's the boss. forget it.you believe this? what the hellare they doing? yeah, hi.can i speak to kenny? it's howard overin the air studio.

just hold the line. as soonas they get him on, just keep him on the line. fred, get me backon the air. just patch the phone callonto the air, ok? just put it right throughas soon as you can. fuck, man. patch it in. i said, patch it in!

yes, robin, he'srunning in right now. can i havethe phone, please,just for a second? hi, robin.we back on the air? robin: yeah.everybody can hear. ok, i'm right outsidepig vomit's office. i'm gonna knockon his door. hey, pig vomit. come on, kenny.why don't youopen up? i want to knowwhy this guy hadto cut my show off.

come on, pig vomit. mr. stern,he's in a meeting. i'd like to knowwhat meeting is more importantthan my show. he took the showright off the air. what'd you takethe show off the airfor, pig vomit? huh? this isn't funny, howard. oh, it's not funny? i thinkit's very funny.

how would you knowwhat's funny, anyway? you're not bringingthat in here, stern. i don't see anybodyin here in a meeting,do you? you gotta go. why would i have to go? why don't you explainto my audience why you had toshut down the show? i don't answerto you, stern. yes, you do,you big idiot scumbag.

i'm your boss.i'm your boss. hey, what's this? robin, it's everybody'ssalary on his desk. goddamn it,get out of here! he hit me, robin.he's hitting me. robin: hit him back. i'm gonnahit you back. i hit him back.he hit-- you're not gettingthe phone from me,kenny.

gimme the damn phone. no! oh, my god, robin. kenny just hithimself in the face.he's bleeding. give that to me. hey, come on. robin: oh, goodness,what's going on? vince just got hitby kenny. goddamn it, stern!

you look! see that?!blood, stern! are you ok? broke my nose! it wasn't my fault. i'll sueyour ass! get out of here! [all shouting at once] our first guest tonight is the afternoondrive-time disc jockey

at wnbc radiohere in new york city. ladies and gentlemen,do me a favor. please welcome howard stern. [cheering and applause] nice to see you.how are you? right over there.have a seat. now, uh, howard,you know, uh... i admire you, you know?i love what you do. i thinkyou're a pioneer.

you'reon the cutting edgeof radio entertainment. you and i both workfor nbc. you havethe radio show, i have the littletv show here. how do you get alongwith the folks here? you enjoyingthe experience? i hate it at nbc, dave. it's the worst. it sucks.i gotta tell you something. all the management at nbc--

bunch of creeps,and i'm not afraidto say it right now, and, you know,it's funny, because i know you feelthe same exact way i doabout nbc because you told meon the phone personallylast week that you feelthe same way. i couldn't be happier.everything is fine. i don't understandthem at all. now, howard, let's getback to the issue ofthem being creepy. now, when you saythey're creep--

he makes us soundlike a bunch of idiotson the radio. he criticizes uson television. i thoughtyou were goingto control this guy. oh, well,we are, sir. in fact, we're designinga more restrictive program to make sure-- how are his numbers? the official ratingsdon't come outuntil tomorrow, but we've gotsome projections.

stern...has gone... from a 2.9 to a 5.6. [choking] he's number onein the market. he's the hottest d.j.in new york. [cough] kind of weird,you know? i thought therewas a mistakeor something, but...uh-uh...no.

my girlfriends thinki'm crazy for letting youbehave like that on the air. you know what it is?it's those yentasyou hang around with. they're--they'redriving you crazy. it's not yentas, howard.it's everybody. i can't even go--i can'teven get my hair done. i can't even walk inand get my hair done without people lookingat me like, "oh, god,that poor little thing." then you knowwhat you gotta do? you gotta goto a different hairshop or something.

please. for god's sakes, if the placeis driving you crazy,don't go there. it's not that!it's not that! god, no wonderthey think you'resleeping around! look at me!look at me! i'm disgusting! what about you? you're not disgusting.

i look like a house. i look likean elephant! you do not.you look beautiful. you don't looklike an elephant. i do. you don't look like babar.you look gorgeous. this is the most beautifulyou ever looked. you're carrying our baby. come over here.you want to sit downon this couch?

you know whatthe problem is?you're tired. i am tired. here. look at this.it's our baby. it's beautiful.you're beautiful. beautiful. [doorbell buzzes] who would come here? quiet.

i don't wantto get that. [buzz] ok. i'll goget the door. don't go away. howdy, partner. oh, hey, kenny. can i come injust for a second? it's kind ofa bad time, ok? just real quick, ok?listen.

i want to tell yousomething. you've won. when the new ratingscome out tomorrow, you are goingto be number one. you understand me?a point and a halfhigher than imus. no shit? you've killed him.you've slayed him. you understand me?ha ha! that's great news.thanks, kenny.i gotta go.

howard!howard! howard! listen, i know i'vebeen a real painin the butt, ok? but that'sall over with now. now, you're goingto need a friendon the inside. i'm going to doeverything i canfor you. all right?how's that sound,partner? people of new york... people of earth... we are gathered here today

in praise of me! [cheering] man, this isa great day in my life. i've been dreamingof this day forever. you know,when i got to nbc, they treated melike i was a jerk. they did everythingto sabotage me,but because of you... because of you,and only because of you, i am now the number-onedisc jockey in new york,

and i thank you.i love you for that. i love you! thank you! this is my gift to you,new york... ac/dc! ["you shook meall night long" playing] â™ª she was a fast machine â™ª â™ª she kept her motor clean â™ª â™ª she was the best damnwoman that i've ever seen â™ª

â™ª she had the sightless eyes â™ª â™ª tellin' me no lies â™ª â™ª knockin' me outwith those american thighs â™ª â™ª takin' morethan her share â™ª how!my water broke! my water broke! â™ª bang, the wallsstarted shakin' â™ª â™ª the earth was quakin' â™ª â™ª my mind was achin' â™ª

â™ª we were makin' when you â™ª â™ª shook me all night long â™ª â™ª yeah, you shook meall night long... â™ª keep it moving! â™ª one more time,and when she got to... â™ª owww! now, push! push! no, no, don't push.just breathe deeply. don't push, honey.

ice chips. fuck ice chips,how! listen to me... we named her emily.7 pounds, 8 ounces. she was incrediblybeautiful. really nice. well, you musthave felt fabulous. yeah, i had everythingi ever wanted in life,you know. you know,i have to admit that i'm really nota very big fan of yours,

but, in fact, i-- i know. you thoughti was a disgusting,sexist, racist pig who hadthe maturity levelof a 3-year-old, right? yeah, exactly. yeah. i get thatall the time, but then you knowwhat happens? i grow on youlike a fungus. i could see that. you know, i haveto tell you...

this has beena really great flight. you know, i couldget this girl. i know i could get her, and this is the hellthat's my life. i mean, think about it. what would it be liketo have sex with her? it would be amazing, but i'm not goingto act on it. you know why?

because i'm a schmuck. no, becausei love alison. she stuck with methrough the whole thing,you know? you gotta respect that. i think you haveto respect that. you have torespect that. hey, everybody! daddy! oh, did i miss you!

mmm! mmm! mmm! let's go say hi to mommy.come on. wait, wait.there we go. did you miss me?mmm! hi, honey.i missed you. oh, gloria. honey, gloria.gloria, honey. maybe the twoof you wouldlike to have a littlemenage a trois,tonight?

huh. you know what?maybe some other time. just, you know,trying. yeah, i know. ok. see you,gloria. so occasionallyi make a fool of myselfin public, and the fccwants me off the air, and every fundamentalistgroup in this countryhates my guts, and, yeah,most of the things i doare misunderstood. hey, after all,being misunderstood

is the fate ofall true geniuses,is it not? but my lifeisn't bad at all. i'm still on the air, i've got my kids, and i've got alison. alison...she's the best friendi could ever have, and who knows? with a little time, the right energy...

i think i could talk herinto some hot lesbo action. porno for pyros:â™ª got my hands into something â™ª â™ª i could not touch-- â™ª stuttering john:wait! wait! is that it? what, the movie's over? oh, yeah?that's bullshit! hi. you know who i am?yeah, i'm stuttering john. you know why i'm pissed?i'll tell you why. i've been getting upat 5:00 every morningto work for howard.

i've been pissing offevery publicist, burning every freakingbridge in the industry, and y-y-you'd figurehoward would pay me backby putting me in his movie! no, he doesn't!i'm not in the movie! i've been in here for 8 years,cuttin' his freaking potato! i've been pissed and smackedaround by morton downey, punched in the noseby raquel welch,and what do i get? i get fucking nothing!that's what i get! i'm not even inthis fucking movie!

he's says i'llbe in the sequel! yeah? what sequel?suppose the movie sucks? th-th-th-there won'teven be any sequel! â™ª if you lie for your breakfast,then you won't get lunch â™ª â™ª i'm a hard charger â™ª â™ª i don't believe in dying â™ª â™ª no such luck â™ª â™ª hard charger â™ª â™ª can't stay pretty'cause it's just no fun â™ª

announcer:ladies and gentlemen,mia farrow. the nomineesfor best actor are... harrison ford... denzel washington... robert de niro... tom hanks... [silence] and the winner is... [murmuring]

[trumpet fanfare] it's me! [snap] aah! howard:â™ª i'm a radio star,a hit on tv... â™ª â™ª my life is on film â™ª â™ª yet it sucks bein' me â™ª ben: shut up! sit down! â™ª my life's a wreck â™ª

â™ª i'm bored with sex â™ª â™ª i've got a big noseand a skinny neck â™ª â™ª i can't sing â™ª â™ª i can't dance â™ª â™ª i make money talking aboutthe joke in my underpants â™ª â™ª i'm a tortured man â™ª shut up! sit down! i told you notto be stupid,you moron. howard: i'm justthinking for a minute.

should i trade halfmy money for 10 timesas much sex? it's an equationfrom hell. ray: oh, well! oh, well! â™ª your mouth is like asuicide â™ª â™ª talking like you'd neverdie â™ª â™ª melting me down andsuck,suck,sucking my brain â™ª â™ª and i can't be the one-- â™ª i bearno grudge againsthoward stern.

he's beenvery successful,and god bless him. god bless him. but i'll tell yousomething, i ain't donetoo badly myself. uh, i managea shopping mall down inflorence, alabama. yeah. it'sthe number-one mallin colbert county, and it's number 4in the state, so, it's nottoo bad, you know?

uh, i play golfseveral timesa week, you know? uh, buti'll tell you, if howard would havelistened to me, i'd still beup there in radio. still be doingradio, you know. [jackhammer] how about that? that goddamnmotherfucker,you know? i tried every fuckingthing i couldfucking think of

to mold him intoa proper kind of d.j., but that... i'll tell you--howard stern, man. i'll say thatwith no shame either! man's a... foul-mouthed,immature... the man's immature,you know? he's like a...child. i'll tell youthis much.

there ain't no godwhile howard stern'swalking the earth, i'll tell you that.i gotta go. how about that?howard stern, huh?

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