About : italian night stands furniture
Title : italian night stands furniture
italian night stands furniture
beth hoyt: hi, guys. i'm here at the youtubespace in the beautiful playa del rey. and you all know the old adage,"everybody loves playa del raymond." right? timothy delaghetto: [laughs] beth hoyt: thank you. thank you. thank you very much.
timothy delaghetto: as youcould see, all tonight is stand-up night featuring thebest of up-and-coming stand-ups you've never seen. beth hoyt: oh, my god. holy crap! a dead body. timothy delaghetto: oh, mygosh, it's bart from justkiddingfilms. and he's dead!
he's been murdered. but who did it? [drum roll] beth hoyt: anyway, let's solvethe mystery of what's been going on with "youtubecomedy week"? timothy delaghetto: soundsgood to me, beth. mark douglas: welcometo day 3 of the comedy week daily rundown. todd womack: i'm todd.
he's mark. we've got the inside track onsome big comedy week events and debut videos. and we've got some great specialguests joining us in the studio. but without further ado, let'shear our comedy week specials. mark douglas: [italian accent] ok, you like to hearthe specials? we got a nice little videofrom official comedy.
it's called "art of the coldcall" with david koechner. he from "anchorman,"you know, wear the cowboy hat, very funny. that comes with a side saladand yucca fries. it's a little different,a little bitter. you want a little taste? vinnie, give them a tasteof [inaudible] kitchen! this will be nice.
faster. david koechner: number1, get them to yes. number 2, the take-away. agreement. yes. nice day. do you believe in education? also, chef asked me to tellyou that we're all out of astronaut singing in thespace with david bowie.
we had a party of 2 millioncoming last night. they clean us out. for something a little differentfor the kids, we have wwe fannation with the"what?" of a personality. spoiler alert! this video containsa screaming goat. so if you're allergic toscreaming goat, you might not want to watch. but i think he's like.
ok, my name vittorio. i'll be around the backand give you minute to think about it. if you want to watch anything,you just click on it right over here. i bring you the wine list andthe bread for the table, maybe some crayons for thechildren, ok? vinnie, italian gibberish. danisnotonfire: oh, i thinkwe're both looking forward to
the traditional comedyweek chicken. amazingphil: oh, yes. danisnotonfire: whata tradition. but more importantly-- amazingphil: the best thing tocome out of england, mr. bean is coming back. danisnotonfire: more the queen,beatles-- no, mr. bean. amazingphil: i'm so excited. danisnotonfire: but don't dothis at home because you'll
probably tell everyoneyou know. todd womack: and we're back. joining us in the studioare youtube heroes, rhett and link. rhett: honored to be here. link: we also heardit was mandatory. mark douglas: we'll acceptboth of those answers. todd womack: guys, the videos onyour channel, rhett & link, are so funny and creative andyou're such nice guys.
but i think, what most peopleout there want to know is, who would win in a fightto the death? rhett: well, that's actuallyalready occurred. and i won, link died. but i resuscitated him. link: and now, i'm immortal. mark douglas: that's nice. todd womack: now, it's timefor interview tube. our first question,who is who?
and can you give us a mnemonicdevice to help remember? rhett: i'm rhett. i am really smart. link: and i'm link. i'm the one with glasses-- "l," "glasses." todd womack: easy toremember, though. rhett: we did make a video forcomedy week that we want to tell everyone to watch.
todd womack: bring it. link: youtube challengechallenge. that's what it's called. there's the word "challenge"is twice in the title. but in the actual video, thereis even more challenges. todd womack: more than two? link: yeah. there's lots of challenge. rhett: we took all thechallenges that everyone does.
cinnamon challenge andbaby food challenge-- link: --tin can challenge. rhett: all that stuff. first of all, we've neverdone any of it. we don't plan on it. but we just talked a bunch ofyoutubers into doing all of them in one video. mark douglas: so you, guys,make really awesome local commercials.
how did that start? link: we've always been inspiredby just really bad commercials-- used car salesman, 2 o'clockin the morning, has his own address, "dress up in a chickensuit" kind of thing. so we decided to start emulatingthose on our channel, but we wanted to makesure they weren't just spoofs. they were real commercials. todd womack: if you guyswere to make a local
commercial for youtube. what do you really thinkthat would be? link: i'd put a llama and ayoutube logo and have it talk or something. mark douglas: because you couldfit the youtube logo right on the side of-- link: --of a llama. todd womack: you, guys, spentthat much time thinking about your other ones?
rhett: no. mark douglas: haveyou ever saved a business from collapse? link: every single one. rhett: i'd like to think so. [laughter] mark douglas: so you, guys,are sort of jacks of all trades on youtube. you do music, advertising,editing, directing, acting.
how about teaching the viewersa little bit about green screen in a segment we like tocall "green screen basics with rhett & link"? link: i mean, we have somewherewe got to be. rhett: we got to get going. todd womack: great. let's get started. link: they didn't notice us. well, first of all, you've gotto have a green screen.
rhett: and that'swhat that is. and then you want to think aboutany environment at all that you want to put yourselfin, like a space ship or a classroom or a space ship. link: and then you close youreyes and you click your heels three times. rhett: but you don't want toclick the fourth time because at that point, you will openup a hole in the space-time continuum leading toa evil universe.
link: oop, that's four. rhett: like this. and then, of course, rememberdon't wear green. that's very important to note. link: and then you strikea pose in order to make a fast exit. rhett: do something elsewith your body. todd womack: hey,what did you do? what did you do to our--
mark douglas: hey, rhett, link,can you get us out of here, maybe, is therelike an apple z? todd womack: --like an ancientincantation or something to get out of here? i know it's not a fullmoon, but nice guys. mark douglas: very nice,other than this. todd womack: funny,funny guys. mark douglas: theyknow their stuff. i really like those guys.
todd womack: thank you,guys, for watching. we'll be back tomorrow. but come back to this channelat 9:00 pm eastern, 6:00 pacific for the stand-upnight. there'll be all sorts of greatcomedians, even myself. and we'll catch up with youtomorrow on this show. mark douglas: we'llsee you tomorrow. and if we can get out of here. maybe go over thatway or something?
todd womack: i like a lessdeadly neighborhood. mark douglas: i'm pretty surethere's an evil worm in my ear right now eating my brain. it could just be wax. todd womack: get some evil earmedicine or something. i don't know. [music playing] beth hoyt: it looks likesuch great stuff. and remember that last night'sbig show is available to watch
on youtube.com/comedyweek. timothy delaghetto: be sure tocheck up with all our live events there, includingtonight's "live table talk with philip defranco." beth hoyt: plus, we keepon churning out comedy week epic videos. it premieres today from thelonely island, above average, and more. timothy delaghetto: plus, on thevideos from michael cera,
like the "gregory goes boom." beth hoyt: oh, barttell us that-- oh, you know what? bart, who killed you? bart: timothy delaghettodid it. beth hoyt: timothy,you killed him? timothy delaghetto: what? how'd you figure that out? beth hoyt: you willnever know.
timothy delaghetto: ooh! i'm a kill you, too, bitch. beth hoyt: i got youon that one. cool, well, great. you, guys, just staytuned for the show. hope you all comeback tomorrow. right now, it's stand-upnight! [applause] sean o'connor: hey.
hi. hey. what's up? i'm sean, nice tomeet you all. let's get this energy up. sean o'connor: cool. cool. i live in los angeles now. i used to live in brooklyn,new york.
where is brooklyn at? no, it's not here. i had to leave brooklyn, newyork, when i saw the worst thing ever in my neighborhood. i saw a cop witha face tattoo. i'm going to repeat that onemore time because you guys are acting like that's normalfor wherever. i saw a cop, like a policeofficer, with a face tattoo. if you see a cop with a facetattoo, that means one thing.
it means somewhere, there'sa dead naked cop. it's not supposed to happen. i was just in austin, texas. i went to a restaurantcalled bikinis. and guys, you will never guessthe uniform there. it's bikinis. the waitresses wear bikinisat the restaurant. bikinis. me and my friend, jared, wentthere for a professional
business dinner. we sat down. the waitress came up to us andshe was like, what you all having to drink? and i said, a diet coke. and my friend said,a texas stripper. it took five seconds. 12 minutes later,she came back. and she was like, hey, i'mall out of sorts, ha-ha.
what were you all havingto drink again? a diet coke, texas stripper. five seconds, maybe less, shewalked away to get those drinks again. she came back 21 minutes laterand said, i screwed up. what where you all havingto drink again? at that moment, i realized hadshe been wearing a shirt, she would have been the worstwaitress ever. but she wasn't, so top 5.
so it's pretty good. i love music. my favorite thing about musicright now is ke$ha. i love ke$ha. not a lot of ke$hafans out there? for those of you who don't knowwho ke$ha is, she's the new beatles. and she's incredible. i want to see ke$ha live.
it was the best nightof my entire life. like her audience is so diverse,there is like me, and the 9,000 teenage girls. and like, we're all the same. i don't know, whatever. they were all the same. they were all 15 and tryingto be slutty, but had no idea how to do it. they're going up to guys and,like, you could put it
wherever you want, whateverthat means. it's like, you're not goingto like what that means. it means the butt. [laughs] and then ke$ha came out. and guys, it was the bestfucking concert i've ever been to. it was incredible. oh, my god.
i found out so much. did you guys know she hasmore than three songs? that's cool. and then this happened. it's the best thing that'sever happened to me at any concert. she was in the middle of herseventh song, which is about how her vagina isa gold transam. she's super classy.
the chorus says, wham,bam, thank you, man. you want to take a ridein my gold transam. ok. she hits the chorus. and then this happens. she goes, stop! and all the musicians stopped. and me and the other teenagegirls all stopped because our queen was about to speak.
then she said, i justrealized something. and i'm like, what did she justrealize in the middle of her song about how her pussyis a gold trans am? she's good at multitasking. then she said, i just realizedthere's not enough glitter on these titties! and then that guy with a bucketcame out and poured so much glitter on those titties,he saved the concert. sean o'connor: so i googled itto see if that was the one
show where ke$ha neverremembered to put glitties on those titties. no, it happened atall 83 shows. that was the guy's job. that's simply a job youget on craigslist. words like, "must haveown bucket." he's, like, i got a bucket. let's do it. all right, guys.
that's been my time. i'm sean o' connor. are you, guys, ready tokeep this show moving? your next comic is the onlyfemale winner on "last comic standing's" history. she's the host of the datingshow, "excused." please put your hands together foriliza schlesinger. iliza shlesinger: what's up? this is fantastic.
how are you, guys, doing? everybody here is so attractive,is this is like a cw casting call? and it' just like wedidn't get it. we're here. that's fine. my hair's super long. that's fun. because when you have long hair,no one expects you to
say anything, ever. i won't even be smart. i'm pretty sure, like, all ofhugh hefner's girlfriends were rocket scientists. and then they got long hairbecause you could literally be talking to me, like, so theni was just thinking i don't even know. and guys are going to go,oh, you got long hair? weiner!
oh, yeah, it's amazing. no idea. love it. your hair gets too long,though, it gets creepy. girls know that. ok, you. just if it get too long. yours is fine. if it gets too long, you'vegot about two inches
difference between reallyhot, sexy supermodel-- religious fanatic. it's right there. go a little bit longer, it'slike, ooh, ethereal, pretty, sexy mouth, kissing,girl everybody wants to make out with. ooh, 1 of 12 brides,right there. that's where it's veryuncomfortable, super uncomfortable.
it's nice outside. this is a good time of yearbecause it's not too hot. it's not too cold. you know what i mean? they can wear like a funsleeveless number. and you're ok with it. don't be afraid. this isn't live. it's ok.
i think this is a girl'sfavorite time of year because you get to transition. you to get rid of yourwinter clothes. i happen to likewinter clothes. actually, most girls like winterclothes, even though i just said they didn't. fuck it, it's live. we do. we love it because you get toput on like fun layers.
you get to do, like a scarf. she's got a head-- shedoesn't give a fuck. she's like, yeah, it'shalf a scarf. it's on my head. i can pull it off-- new headscarf, new leggings, uggs. we love uggs. the second it gets below like 70degrees in los angeles, we go bat-shit crazy. we pop out of the groundlike gophers.
like [sniffs]-- iliza shlesinger: stacy,did you feel that? it was a breeze. oh, my god, cinnamon,[gruffly] nutmeg, uggs, leggings,poof, poof, uggs, cover up your cankles. [screech] iliza shlesinger:layer that shit. just eat whatever you want.
layer a handful of almonds. digest it. layers. ice cream. leggings, do it. white trash formal pants. leggings, uggs, scarf,cardigan. that's super hot. i don't want to wear it.
bathing suit season'scoming up. the girls get nervousabout that. i don't mind. i don't mind bathingsuit season. i work out, obviously. the bathing suits out there thatwould bother me, like the options out there. they don't even haveregular bikinis. sometimes they have, like, girlswill use what looks like
a two-piece with likea piece of material. it's like this judy jetson thingparis hilton wears it when she's hooking. it's just like one thing. what kind of a fucked-uptan are you going to get from that? you're going to look like avivisection of a cow at a steakhouse. just like white line, red, red,flank, flank, vagina,
just red haunches, filet. a lot of bathing suits havehardware on them. i know these are for girls thatlike to lounge around the bellagio pool and pick upclients for the most part. but i've seen bikinis that havemetal, like chain mail, like "game of throne" stylekhaleesi shit all over it. one of the intrinsic propertiesof metal is that it conducts heat. you're going to lay outside.
then you're going to get weltsall of over your body, knowing that you pledged theblack fraternity. that's what's going to happen. well, there's enough blackpeople here to get the joke. white people were just laughingbecause they're nervous because i said black. and that's totally fine. i do this. that's ok.
nice time of year. all my friends are gettingmarried this time of the year because this is like theweather is good. like, we don't want tochance the rain. and i want to do likean outdoor wedding. i do outdoor. i planned the whole thingon pinterest. i did. it's an entire weddingmade of cheese.
outdoor wedding. one of my girlfriends gotmarried on valentine's day. and like, jokingly, i was like,oh, my god, what was your theme? and she's, like, we did like"love" under the stars, but like under the sea. it's a wedding, not a prom. when i get married, i'm goingto get married the day after valentine's day.
and my theme is going tobe 75% off chocolate. iliza shlesinger: ssst. thank you pms-ing women. and it's not going to be awedding as much as it's just going to be me alone in myhouse listening to heavy metal, doing wall push-ups,eating the heads off chocolate rabbits 'cause it's my day. that's super fun. all my friends get reallyexcited to get married.
and they should. and they all get really excited to plan their weddings. that's great. i get really excitedto plan a breakup. ok? i put some time andeffort into this. just so you know when you dateme, you get a customized breakup, ok?
i put time into this. i put thought. there's no template. there's no, oh, my god. it's me, it's not you. no, it's you, motherfucker. here's a list of reasons why. these are hand-hewn,handcrafted, hecho in california, "tailor-made tohighlight your insecurities"
specific breakups. guys, just so you know, us,girls, we're bat-shit crazy. and from the second we startdating you, we keep tabs on everything you do wrong. so that if and when we decide tobreak up with you because, i don't know, the wind changesdirection; we can then refer to said list and extrapolate oneisolated incident and use that as the piece de resistanceof this breakup masterpiece.
dated a guy recently, i wantedto do a rain breakup. i thought that wouldbe super fun. the rain, yeah, rain--emblematic of the tears shed during the courtship,totally made sense. love the symbologyof it, rain. every girl's wanted to havea rain breakup, right? every girl, but the blackgirls, are like, hm-mm. because i want to do a rainbreakup, go on the rain. it's raining.
you get to run out, like don'tfollow me, which in girl talk means follow me right now. in the rain, maybe you got awhite shirt on, tits out, nipples, go under the rain. hair, very-- no, butyou're out in rain. makeup running. run into woods-- don'trun into the woods. but just rain. actually, if you can find woodsin la, good for you.
go find. rain breakup. i live in southern california,you can't do a rain breakup with southern california. you're going to smelllike a dirty sheep. i had on a wool sweater onetime, and it was raining. i can't do that. no one's going to miss youif you're in a wool sweater in the rain.
[gruffly] like, you're breakingup with me? [sheep-like] i'm breaking up with you. [bleats] [normal voice] had the perfect breakup plan. i dated a guy forthree months. so we were at a bar.
and we're hanging out. so first date, we're drinking,hanging out, taking muscle relaxers. it's a fun first date. so we are just talking. and we're having the obligatoryfirst date conversation. i'm like, so what do you do? where are you from?
[chirps] just talking. what's your middle name? and he's, like, my middlename is paul. now, reciprocity in a normalconversation would dictate that his next question to meshould have been, [honks] that's right. but he never asked memy middle name. and i [gruffly]
fucking remembered that shit. you're not going to ask a girlher middle name, it's going to ruin our psyche because as agirl, you interpret that very differently than a guy would. you don't ask my middle name,it's, like, he doesn't want to know my middle name, doesn'twant to get to know me, doesn't care about mythoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. doesn't want to havea relationship.
doesn't want to get married. we're never goingto have a baby. that's the way that goes. so i had the perfectbreakup plan for him, just so you know. before i tell you the perfectbreakup, the real way i broke up with him, the fantasynever happened. the real way we broke up wasyours truly ended up getting a little drunk one night andtexting him something to the
effect of, you don't even watch"breaking bad," so how can we be together? that's really how we broke up. but in closing, iwill tell this. so here's the breakupi wanted to do. so i wanted in my fantasy-- areyou ready for my fantasy? i'm going to pin this later--in my fantasy, i will be sitting on the couch. and i would start a fightout of nowhere.
when you're a girl,you can do that. guys think we're crazy anyway,we may as well play that card. just the fact that i might haveto have a baby one day is enough for me to act likea nut job today. so i pick a fight. like he would cough. [cough] and i'd be like, whatdid you say? what did you say?
if a girl does this,fucking duck and cover, buddy, all right? so you'd be like,you know what? forget it. and i would start crying. but the way i'd start crying isunbeknownst to him, i would turn around. and i would pluck a nosehair out of my nose. so i'd start involuntarily.
you ever plucked a nose hair? fucking hurts. why are you crying? you want big tears. you're going to get aguy to feel bad, you want crocodile tears. you want the kind of tears thegirls on "the bachelor" cry when they get eliminated. big old french-tipnails just--
i don't think becky is herefor the right reasons. the reason womencry like this-- i found out now that i'm 30-- isbecause we can maintain the integrity of our eyeliner whilestill agitating collagen production. [fake weeping] and so we cry. you ever been in a fight withsomeone and you're crying and you're kind of over being sad,but you want to keep crying to
make them feel bad? so you start thinking aboutother things, like your mom dying and the holocaust, justto keep the thoughts going? he'd be, like, what'syour problem? and i'm, like, forget it! and i would run outof my own house. i'd sort of run into the streetbecause i want to have this out in the street,street fighter style. now, prior to starting thisfight, i would have set up
orange parking conesin the street. because if you're goingto fight in the street, safety first. you cannot have a car coming inand out of your trap of the middle of your fight. you can't be in the middle ofa fight and risk a buick coming through. do they even makebuicks anymore? i don't even knowwhat cars are.
so we'll be out there. we'll be fighting. have the whole thing. if a car comes through, you'regoing to lose momentum. you might stop fighting. you might kiss. you might make up. but we don't fucking want that. i'd run out and be,like, get away!
i would yell so the neighborswould come out. and they start watching. yeah, because i need anaudience, obviously. so you come out. like, don't touch me. iliza, what is your problem? no, i don't wantto talk to you. get back inside. you don't tell me what to do.
i'm an independent woman,i listen to beyonce. go back inside. you're acting crazy. i'm just saying, iliza. i don't want to goback inside. why not? i just feel like this isn'tworking, ok, gary? no, not gary. what is your problem?
i just feel like we don'teven know each other. what do you mean we don'treally know each other? i feel like we don'tcommunicate. we don't even know each other. what do you mean we don'teven know each other? of course, we know each other. really? what's my middle name? sean o' connor: you're good.
you're good. give it up for iliza. give it up for her. wow. let's keep this energyfor your next comic. he has an album out onaspecialthing records called "poems for the ocean." pleaseput your hands together for jim hamilton. jim hamilton: oh, good-lookingladies out here.
i don't have time to hit onyou all, individually. so i'm just going to putout a pickup line. and if you're interested, comesee me after the show. [clears throat] damn, girl. you must be suicidal thoughtsbecause you've been running through my mind all day. had chinese food forlunch today. overheard these ladiestalking.
then one lady told her friendthat she recently went on a first date with a comedian. but she wasn't going to go ona second date because all comedians are emotionallydamaged. i turned around, i was aboutthe correct her, but then i just started cryingfor no reason. my fortune cookie read,you will die alone. ch-uh, yeah, in bed. i really think i'llbe alone forever.
pretty decent chance i'd beburied in a mass grave. i had a girlfriend once-- play along. she broke up with me because shesaid i talked about better than ezra too much. didn't agree with her. but it's not worthfighting about. so i texted her to apologize. but the text auto-correctedto "better than ezra."
what a day, what a day. today has been like a redhot chili peppers song. not good. i got so drunk last night, iwoke up this morning with a penis drawn on my forehead. yeah, and i live alone. i blame my doctor. my doctor told me todrink more whisky. well, his exact words were,drink less beer.
[chuckles] but i knew what he meant. if you know the cure forelephantitis, i'm all ears. oh, man, be careful ifyou're drinking. i get these horrible nightmareswhen i'm drinking. in my nightmare, i seemy own tombstone. my tombstone reads, herelies jim hamilton. he left this world just as heentered it, face down in an applebee's toilet.
you never forget which word youlost the spelling bee on. i was about eight years old. and i lost on the word"faggot." oh, i spelled it correctly. unfortunately, it wasmy father who yelled it from the audience. jim hamilton: oh, man,i was an awkward kid. i think i've aged like a finewine locked up in some rich guy's cellar.
recently, i went to ababy christening. it was a disaster. it took me, like, eight tries tobreak the champagne bottle. my dad started watching "thewire." and he cannot stop saying the n-word-- not in that order. lady justice is blind. so it's a good thing minoritieshave an accent. i don't care.
i don't care how many africanshave to die, blood oranges are delicious. kraft foods. kraft foods will never printseptember 11 as the expiration date on any of their productsfor fear of upsetting their customers. what kind of world do welive in where i can just make that up? the commodores had a songcalled, "easy like sunday
morning." it was written bylionel richie who, apparently, has never had hangoverdiarrhea. enjoy the rest ofthe show, guys. sean o'connor: thank you. give it up for jim hamilton. give it up for him. yes, want to keep thisshow moving? you, guys, want to keepthis show moving? here we go.
your next comic, he has a showcoming out on comedy central called "enjoy it." pleaseput your hands together for brody stevens. brody stevens: yeah! brody stevens: i'ma little nervous. this is my first ted talk. i have to keep my set tight. i'm double-parked in thehandicap spot outside. i'm very good-looking.
i've done a lot of modelingin serbia. who's on lamictal? who takes medication here? you got it, i do. $10 co-pay. lamictal, latuda, lexapro,zocor, klonopin. that's four for the brainand one for the vein. you got it. healthy, doing smoothies,doing fiber.
this guy looks excited. looks like he got shut outof coachella, day 8. stay with me, youtube. you took down my page. why? you said it was a viacomviolation, prove it. your robots made mistakesup at google california. you know google owns youtube,like mcdonald's used to own chipotle, but they broke away.
did you guys know that? you'll learn a lot from me. i'm very smart. i'm wearing glasses,prescription, urban outfitters. yes! positive energy, you gotit, very intense. i get bo in the shower. i am doing a show,you heard it.
it's on comedy central. you think i would havea house in the hills? i don't. i live in a one-bedroomapartment on magnolia in the valley. i need more money, viacom. i'm sharing a bananawith a samoan guy. what's going on here? i'm losing my voice.
i'm going back to red robin,i'm doing fry refills. i'm sleeping on anair mattress. but i got a show atcomedy central. viacom, wake up! i'll put you on "60 minutes."hold on, i have bell's palsy. that's a joke. oh, don't boo me. how dare you? this is my youtube chance.
hello, dubai. hello, south africa. hello, israel, shalom. i'm coming home, brother. i got a yamaka. i got it at lids, 7 and3/8, new era, fitted. this guy's funny. he's got hands underthe table. why are you playingpocket pool?
this guy's touchinghis crotch. i got a jerry sandusky typehere, touching himself, trying to distract me on google tube. don't distract me. there's a camera right there. yes, steven brody stevens,looking good, getting chicks. one lucky lady tonight is goingto be chosen out of this crowd, is going to hangout with me tonight. what do you think about that?
hooking up. venus beach, under the pier,playing some soccer. then we'll go on the boardwalk,like jack tripper on "three's company."we'll reenact that. and then i'll hold you over thebluffs and then push you over and then rappel down andsave you and have somebody film it and put it on youtube. that's how you make stuff. i just thought of a movie.
a guy meets a chick in a show,hops on his moped parked in a handicap spot. they're sharing a helmet. i got a big head. i'm looking for a small-headedwoman in here. your head can fit on-- i love your headband. it's very good. guys, give it a go forolivia newton-john.
let her hear it. [singing] let's get physical, physical. i want to get physical. let's get into physical. let me hear your bodytalk, your body-- [stops singing] you like me. you're into me.
i'm going to hook up tonight. yeah! how many people saw mein "the hangover"? not that many people,i get that. i get that not many peoplerecognized me from "the hangover." i was also in"hangover 2." i was in the movie "due date." but i don't get recognizedin public. and it bothers me.
you know why? you know why i don'tget recognized? because i'm a good actor,that's why. and i should've keptthat joke tighter. it was too long. i dragged you through themud to get to a chuckle. shame on me for using your earsand your mind to listen to a joke that didn'thave a good payoff. i should quit comedyright now.
no. let me relax. i'm very calm. hi there, my name is steve. i'm still on myspace. i have a 13 friends. tom deleted me. these are actuallyyoutube glasses. i'm clicking here.
i'm going through myset list right now. click, click, click, click. oh, wow! i'm on youporn. hello. and pause and rewind. yeah. fred armisen on snl didthe whole thing. but i'm different.
i'm different. i'm steven brody stevens. i work out. i do krav maga, ha. i'm bloated right now. i had a loofah spongefor lunch. guys, great news. i just got hd. finally, got hd.
brody stevens: thank you. heart disease. but ah-- oh, come on. i'm feeling great. i take zocor. i take lamictal. i take latuda. and i take your positiveenergy.
this is one of thebest crowds. i'm being honest. i do a lot of shows. i'm professional. i've been in this businessfor six weeks. i'm telling you, this is a greataudience, comedy week, youtube, allthingsbrody. you can find me on twitteras well, brodyismefriend. i answer all emails.
and you know what? tonight, right now, may 22,2013, it's my birthday! brody stevens: sean,yeah, my birthday. sean o'connor: happybirthday, brody. brody stevens: you got it. chuck e. cheese on me. sean o'connor: yeah! oh, give it up forbrody stevens. it is his birthday.
oh, man, brody stevens. guys, ready to keepthis show going? ready, ready, yeah. woo. your next comic is one of thestars on an up-and-coming nbc show "undateable." he's alsoone of my favorite comics. so please put your handstogether for ron funches. ron funches: tells me i'm hisfavorite and then he just walks away.
ah, thank you. i'm excited to be here, guys. ron funches: you know, when ifirst started, a lot of people told me i wouldn't makeit in comedy. well, i proved them wrong. i'm on youtube now, themost exclusive. [giggles] oh, hello, mr. whiteface. i mean you no harm.
so please don't come at me. that's a conversation ihad with a kitty cat several days ago. it's also now the slogan forblack history month. i like that you respondedto mr. whiteface. that takes a lotof confidence. a lot of people wouldhave went, who me? you were like, i'mmr. whiteface. i have a cousin that's verysensitive about racism.
he called me one day becausehe was quite upset that he went to a tuba recital where hewas one of only three black tuba players. and he thought thatwas racist. and i wanted to agree. but then i realized three blacktuba players is a lot of fucking black tuba players. if you see more than five blackstuba players, you're watching an outkast video.
but i, too, can be sensitive. one day i was running acrossthe street because slurpees were on sale for what i thoughtwas a limited time. you, guys, never been there? well, i got stuckon this median. this car drives by at me. and a guy yells outhis window. use the crosswalk, n-word. i'm no girl.
i thought that waspretty racist. but i also thought aboutthat situation. and i realized, since he wasin a car, i probably just didn't hear the wholeconversation. what he was trying to say was,use the crosswalk, nigger, i'm worried about your safety. ron funches: which is somethingi've been known to say to my son. even if you didn't like thatjoke, you have to admit that
was the most pleasantuse of the word "nigger" in any youtube. there's a lot of "nigger"on youtube, though none of them end nice. oh, you like that giggle? my son just turned10 years old. oh, thank you. it's been a pleasure watchinghim grow up from a little bitty baby into a 10-year-oldfucking psychopath.
and you can chart his descentinto madness by how he's changed his stance on pinatas. when he was a toddler, he wasterrified of pinatas. and it was my job tovanquish that. now, he treats a pinata likehe's a mob boss from new jersey and optimus prime oweshim several thousand dollars. he works it across the kneesfor a little bit. takes a break to kiss his motherpays some respect. and then he cuts offthe fucking hand.
and i take pictures and postit on my facebook. my son and i get along verywell, except for when it comes to watching cartoons. see, he wants to watchhis favorites. and i want to watch myfavorites, like the "muppet babies." no, not everybody knowsthe "muppet babies." but everybody knows "the muppets."they fucked and had babies. ron funches: the babieswere given a show. and it's a little weird.
you can tell by the theme song, which starts off wonderful. it's just-- muppet babies, we'll makeour dreams come true. pap, doo, warah, wah. muppet babies, we'll dothe same for you. beautiful. it's just about dreamscoming true. but then it takes a turn.
so next verse is, [singing] if your room looks kinda weird,and you wish that you weren't there. then close your eyesand make believe. and you can be anywhere. ooh. and that's fucked up. i told my son, if your roomlooks kind of weird, and you wish you weren't there,do not make believe.
call the cops. daddy has made an errorof some kind. thank you for your time. i'm ron funches. mr. sprinkles: oh,i've seen you. let me tell you something. there is nothing worse thanbeing married when your wife's in heat. you know that voice, right?
she's always like, mr.sprinkles, i'm in heat. let's have sex. and i'm, like, i don't wantto fuck garfield. sean o'connor: oh, giveit up for ron funches and stand-up time. oh, give it up for that-- both! how are you, guys,doing tonight? good?
good. is anyone not havinga good time yet? you, guys, can be vocal. come on, have a goodtime, everyone. great, guys. oh, that's so great. whoa, are you, guys, readyfor your next comic? audience: yeah! sean o'connor: ok.
he hasn't been doing comedy forvery long, but i know him. so i was, like, hey, you shouldprobably do this show. so can you please giveit up for craig? kyle dunnigan: all right, what'sgoing on you, guys? just going to blast you, guys,in the faces with some of my comedy of jokes. hey, before i get started,i have a catch phrase. it's "if you ask me, that'snuts." so when you, guys, hear me say, "if you ask me, that'snuts," if you could clap after
that or something,that'd be nice. let's do this. hey, guys, a dinosaur and amonkey were in the woods. and the dinosaur gave themonkey a piggyback ride. now, the monkey gave thedinosaur the piggyback ride. one of them, either the dinosauror the monkey gave the monkey or the dinosaura piggyback in the woods. i don't rememberwhich as which. but--
and there's a middle part,too, i forgot. but that's not-- important part is the beginningpart and then the end of the joke which is end ofthe dinosaur-monkey joke is "monkey-sore-ass." if youask me, that's nuts. kyle dunnigan: hey,guys, i got that joke off the internet. so if you, guys, still wantthe middle part of the monkey-dinosaur joke, justgoogle search "monkey-dinosaur
joke." should be the first orsecond thing that pops up. hey, guys, knock-knock,you, guys. audience: who's there? kyle dunnigan: oh, i justremembered the middle part of the dinosaur-monkey jokei told before. the monkey slips on somequicksand or a banana. and then the dinos-- just google search it. it's better if you justgoogle search.
hey you, guys, likeimpressions? audience: yeah. kyle dunnigan: all right. this is my impression of my momwhen i woke her up at 4:00 in the morning. hey, craig, what is this? it's 4:00 in the morning,go back to bed. what is this? here's my impression ofbill murray, you guys.
this is bill murray. [mimics bill murray] well, if you think you're one ofthose people, was it one of "those people"? you're wrong. you don't think you dowhat they do, you do. you hate your life. you hate your family. you hate god.
that's right, i said it. otherwise, you wouldn't be doingwhat you've been doing, which is exactly what"those people" do. [piano music] how are you guys doing,all right? is it weird i'm normal now? i feel like it's weird. let's cleanse the palate. let me do--
i want to try to do an improvsong, never done this. i'm going to get someinformation, and then i'll make up a song. what's your name, sir? darren? all right, darren. i'm going to write a song aboutyou using information i gather, all right? what do you do for a living?
hm. you don't sound sure about it. you're in tech support. how about tech support? what's your favorite hobby? again, not sure. i feel like you're justsaying words. darren is into tech support,maybe, and he might like hiking.
there was a guy named darren. and he was a total douche. [end of song] this next song is a songi wrote about-- improv's hard. don't be like-- you ever tried improv? [british accent] you know it's magic, youknow, writing songs.
it was magic, you know. i saw a paul mccartneyinterview. that's what he said. it's like, it's magic. you know, magic songs. you know, songs fallfrom the sky. you know, lands on theback of a turtle. you know, turtle walksup to you. got it, you know, magic songs.
this is a song thatjohn lennon wrote right before he died. what's that in your hand? [bangs] ugh! don't shoot the messenger. [end song] kyle dunnigan: that sounds likeevery horror movie music in the background.
i just made that up. i'm not even trying. what a ripoff profession. the guys get paid to do that. there are phone calls, like,hey, mike, we need that music by next week. you can have it now. it's pretty good. you know what i'm talking about,like marcia's stuck in
the basement like, you guys-- [suspense piano chords] kyle dunnigan: --whereare you, guys? i'm stuck in the basement. and everybody's up inthe kitchen, like-- kyle dunnigan: --wherethe fuck is marcia? i'm in the basement, you guys. i'm not going down there. i don't even like her.
fuck marcia. you, guys. this next song-- can't tell how muchtime i have left. i wrote this song for a girl. i fell in love and shemoved off to europe. i didn't want herto forget me. so i wrote her this song. it's called "hold on."
[piano off-key] kyle dunnigan: tsk, hold on. kyle dunnigan: ah, hold on. hold on! i still get emotional. it's, like, four years ago. i went to a heavy metalshow, rock show. and they had to makeannouncements. there's, like, nothing less rockthan a heavy metal band
being like, [falsetto voice] you ready to rock? we just want to firstthank coca-cola for having us here tonight. coca-cola, that cool andrefreshing drink, motherfuckers. if you drove here on a fordfocus, you may want to check your lights. someone with a ford focus lefttheir motherfucking lights on
the parking lot, bitches. now, you ready to rock? i said, are you ready to rock? yeah? well, that's all we're going todo right after i tell you about the raffle. there's a raffle rightafter the show. all right, this last songi want to do is another love song.
i wrote this for a girl. and i sang it for her. and she hated it. i think it's nice. it goes like this. your legs are long and firm. your skin's as whiteas a dove. i do believe the lord blessedme with an angel from above. the only thing i'll changeabout you is your face.
thank you all very much. that's my time. female speaker: i'm reallyglad that i was chosen. puppet: not me. sean o'connor: has any of you,guys, ever been arrested? sean o'connor: come on, guys,who wants to admit they've been arrested on the internet? it's your one chance. i feel like most ofyou are lying.
audience: come on! sean o'connor: yeah. i used to drink and drivelike it was my motherfucking job, guys. and it was. i worked at domino's. and let's keep thisshow going. your next comic is hilarious. he's also co-creator of "barelypolitical." please put
your hands togetherfor todd womack. todd womack: keep it goingfor sean, everybody. "hardly working."let me see here. and we got the library from"game of thrones" set here. nothing says comedy like that. we got the felt tables. all right, that's wherethe ad money's going. sweet how are you,guys, doing? you all right?
todd womack: fuckthis technology, we're inside youtube. does that feel goodfor you, guys? i feel weird, a little "matrix."i don't like technology. i don't like texting. i feel like texting is ruiningthe english language. anybody else? todd womack: the kids today,growing up, they're exposed to
so many shortcuts andmisspellings. they're not going to be ableto read correctly. like your kids' going to be atschool reading a history book, come across a semicolon, andlike, not know what to do. "george washington was askillful leader." oh, winky-face. but would his constituentsvote for him? i'm going to say, leftelephant ear? it's a question mark, johnny.
we used to use it all thetime back in the day. now, phones, everybody'sobsessed with their phones, everybody now, it's just like,oh, i got to look at my phone. i got to look-- hang on-- i got to look at my phone. you're in court, your honor,put your phone down. put it down, convict somebody. it changed the way we talk.
we talk about our phones likewe're in some kind of primitive society. everybody's just consciouslywalking around and just who is your provider? who is your provider? who is the best provider? who can i follow and believe? everybody's always trying,like, convert you to their service.
oh, my provider isthe best, yes. it gives me everything i need. it gives me 1,000 minutes withwhich to speak per lunar cycle, yes. and get this, all they ask forin return is a low monthly offering of 79.99, which somehowcomes out to, like, 123.50 every month. damn it! it's always a shock, isn't it?
well, taxes, hm-mm tvs getpretty rough, too. everything's about food. every show is about food. what have we got? watch food while we'reeating food? it's getting out of control. it's those foodies, who's justlike, yeah, i appreciate food more than the average person. you know who else appreciatesfood?
uh, every single humanwho's ever lived on the face of the earth. foodies and just that group. you ever met anybody thatdidn't like food? what's for lunch? oh, food again? for once, can we just try aranch or remote control or some fiber optic cableor something, please? you've got to eat to survive.
that can't be your hobby if youhave to do it to not die. are we going to have peoplewalking around [sniffs], yeah, i'm a breathie, yeah. i just appreciate air a littlemore than the average person. hint of watermelon there,did you catch it? no, i'm not surprised. i used to really like naturedocumentaries. but they all, forlike the last 30 years, the same format.
it's boring. you got that british narrator. the guy sounds like he'scommentating on a golf match. he puts you right to sleep. you got to compete today. it's always the [british accent] and the crab retreats backinto its home to avoid predation by thespider monkey. you got to competetoday, baby.
i live in new york. you can get anybodyon my street. there's these cuban dudes. you slap one of those dudes init, then you only have to know what they're talking about. they're just fun to listen to. perfect ratings bonanzaright there. at the start, perfectnarrator, you know? [cuban accent]
mira, the crab. you see muy tiny arm-y male. he walking muy slow. and he walking muy fast. bueno, he see the monkey. he go inside the hole. when he get down there,the crab wife, she always yelling at him. pick up the home.
paint the hole. do something. don't watchy "shark week"all the time. you want to leave, it'sall very mal. he go to peek outsidethe home. he peek outside withthe crab eye. he see the monkey. he know, number 1, the monkeywant to eat him. number 2, the monkey have abirthday coming muy soon.
so he go back down inside thehole, find the crab wife, push her into the oven, make a crabcake for the monkey birthday. he lost the crab. azucar. you put that guy in anything,"mad men" is getting pretty boring. mira, don draper. why do you womanize, you drinkso much, very sad? azucar!
anything you know. who knows what's going on? you, guys, feeling allright tonight? got to get out of house. i like doing that crabbit because my first language was spanglish. and it's good to be back insouthern california for that. i went to spain one time,they're real nice there. and they are like you must goto the bullfight with us.
it is the classic sport. is that really a sport? would they put the wrongguy in charge of making up sports that day? come back at the endof the day just-- [spanish accent] ok, we gonna have a littlewith skinny man. you gonna have a little blacktight with sequins all over on the side, like pop, pop,pop, pop, pop, pop,
pop, pop, pop, pa. eh, he gonna have a decorationon the lapel. golden frilly shoulder pad, quesparkle in the sunshine. a little red business tight,'cause he gonna mean business. eh, christopher columbus,a tri-corner hat. oh, my god, he want to have morethe beautiful red crimson cape because he will be dancingand spinning around all of the night with a bull. and at the end of thegame, one team gets
stabbed in the heart. thanks, bro. but at that point, you're notreally dressed to fight a bull, you know whati'm saying? you're more dressed to fight,like, elton john, russell brand, i don't know, whodresses like shit. make sure, you're especially,as americans going overseas though, we really do. we're like the worsttravelers.
but everybody knows us,their extra nice. i went to china. i didn't know any mandarin--no, i'm sorry. i knew four words in mandarin,one through four. and i flirted with a girl whodidn't know any english. the opposite wouldnever happen. like a foreign dude cannot walkup to an american woman and hit on her in that way. just, hi, one, two,three, four.
you're giving to me yournumberings for i am will calling you. i will take you to the niceplace, the olive garden. two guys, we will share a lovethat is unlimited, like the bread sticks on the salad. giving to me your numberings. and the chick will probably doit because girls like dudes with accents. she'll be like, it's 587--
oh, whoa, whoa, one chauffeuronly, please, please. dating is insane. i'm a little more chilledout nowadays. and i do like the stripclub, young men, crazy thing anymore. although i was never reallylike into going into the strip club. i always get confused i don'tknow what the hell i'm doing in there.
i feel like i'm feeding ducks. anybody else, you'rejust, like, hey, there's one for you. gosh, there's a lot of them. geez, look, they're justaround fuck over here. todd womack: oh, my god,do you see that one? so beautiful. [chitters] come over here.
we're just going to takea look at you. we're not going to hurt you. ah, she's just reallybeautiful, perfect. hey, where are yougoing with that? dammit! the big ones always take itfrom the little ones. you, guys, have beenvery nice. thanks a lot. later!
sean o'connor: hey, giveit up for todd womack. are you, guys, ready for yourlast comic of the night? put your hands together. this next comic has a comedycentral half-hour debuting next month, june. are you, guys, goingto watch it? now, clap-- sean o'connor: --for the superhilarious, [inaudible] sean patton!
sean patton: thank you. hallelujah! the lord is in me, folks. the lord is insideof me, right now. audience: amen. sean patton: the lordis inside of me. the lord is raw-doggingme right now, you all. the lord is raw-doggingme, right now. you know, that exists,christian comedy.
and it's the stupidestfucking thing. like even if you're catholic,it's still like-- because christians or catholics-- like, comedy comes from pain. christians and catholics,they don't suffer. the lord hath sufferedfor them. so they got nothing to say. it's the dumbest shit. like, you all, last week,i got a parking ticket.
i wanted to yell at thatpolice officer. i wanted to do that. but i did not do that. i paid that parking ticket,that's what i did. because i know when igo to heaven, i'll park wherever i want. and there ain't goingto be no tickets. hallelujah. jesus still the lord.
you know, folks, i tell you. yeah, yeah, yeah. yesterday, i had to wait inline for 2 and 1/2 hours behind a woman at a pharmacybuying birth control pills. yeah, i know, i prayed for herbecause i know when i go to heaven, i'm on a vip list. jesus is the tiger in thejungle in wherever the-- lord. [ends singing]
you know, guys, i'mbroken right now. i'm broken right in half. my heart's just broken becauselast night, my wife spoke back to me. no, i know, i asked her to havedinner ready when i got home from a longday of praying. and she said, i'll try. sometimes, you think youknow somebody and-- but it's like its says injebediah 13:69, she with whom
you choose to walk down thatwith whom is she may at times be but the devilin her panties. like, if you're a christian,i don't give it, fine, just fuck off. leave me alone. like, you think life ispredestined and already planned and god has a plan. and i think you're an idiot. i think you're stupid.
and you can't get pissed at mefor that because, clearly, that's just god's plan for me. good, you're a dumb dumdum,a dumdum dumdum. i guess, if you flip thatpoint over though, a completely satanic comedianwould be equally as like boring and stupid. like, you know, last week, i wasdrinking the blood of the nonbelievers, right? and i would gargle.
and i gargled fire and spit iton the kid in the playground. [gargling] so anyway, guys, you evertortured a doodlebug? and they're like, there'sno innards to eat. i'm a beast on the inside. mark of the beast! 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6. so yesterday, i was carving apentagram into the rotting flesh of a corpse i justdug up and dilated.
but i started thinking, aren'tshovels expensive? you forget, they're moreexpensive than you think. i went in there withlike a 10. it was, like, 12.99. i was like, what? it's going to dig thegrave for me? know what i mean? [burbling] that's what i thinkall satanists do.
have you, guys, noticedhow fat i've gotten? [farting sound] i try and eat healthy. i frequent a certainsandwich-making franchised establishment that legally, iam no longer allowed to say the name of into a microphone. but i will give you a hint. it's named after an undergroundtrain system in new york city.
see? bam! right on top of that. i've been in front of someaudiences, like 45 minutes, like underground train system,new york city. starts with an s, ends with a y.they're like, uh, quiznos. that's not-- [mutters] fucking asshole.
i have the same complaints weall have about that place. the food isn't that good. the price isn't that great. clearly, i'm not tryingto lose weight. but i eat there because of theculture, because the employees of that place refer to themselves as sandwich artists. and i support the arts. i believe in them.
i feel like when i go, i placemy order, the sandwich artist hears it, becomes inspired, andcreatively interprets it into sandwich art rightin front of my eyes. i say, i would like a footlongon garlic bread, please. ah, white bread, close enough,let's just move on. this is a journey. let's take it together. i think i'll have someturkey breast. four slices.
well, you're right. the meat is the worst partof the sandwich. why do i want more of that? yes, i'll have some half-moonshaped cheese, triangular shaped cheese. ha-ha. you, my friend, just taught meto expect the unexpected. yes, i will have it toasted. ding!
burnt. wow! how's about some lettuce? one pound of lettuce. a pound of lettuce. may i have some sweetpeppers, please? one, single, solitary sweetpepper atop mount lettuce. wow, i see the symbolismin that. it's challenging.
we are all alone. how's about some black olives? handful of black olivesscattered everywhere, except the fucking sandwich itself. [laughs diabolically] those must representthe things we want but cannot have. how's about some mayonnaise? pffft, pffft, pffft, pffft.
one ocean. an ocean of mayonnaise. your sandwich is nowa submarine in a mayonnaise-like ocean. a may-ocean is whati call that. oh, can i have some mustard? ah, no, more mayonnaise. pffft. i will now cut this using thisknife i just cut five tuna
sandwiches with anddid not rinse. i did not rinse this. it is my artistic licenseto use this tuna-caked serrated blade. ah! who'd have-- huh, that'sbeautiful! because that was a footlong,but now one half is nine inches, and the otherhalf's only three? it's art.
it means something. that nine inches representsour expectations. but that three inches representsour reality. do you, guys, know thefilm "men in black"? audience: yes. sean patton: remember theneuralyzer, the thing they use to erase people's memories? my little brother, who is 14years younger than me, my other family members calledhim "the mistake." i don't
think there was a mistake. my parents knew exactlywhat was going on. my guess is they wereplaying their annual game, truth or dare. and my mother dared my fatherto knock her up again. and he did because he's a man. but 14 years is sucha gap and, like, it's hard to relate. when i was 18, he was 4.
it's hard to be a brother. i tried, you know, dude, hey,guess what i did yesterday? i fingered trish howellin the woods. what did you do? jumped in the poolthree times? wow, no floaties? like, there's no relating goingon with that age gap. the only thing we had was hisfavorite movie was "men in black" when he was four.
he loved it so much, he madehis own toy neuralyzer. he just took a paper towel tube,stuffed some shit in there, drew some buttons on it,and would make a little "beeyou" sound. and his favorite thing in theworld was to neuralize me, his big brother, and giveme a new identity. so i just hear him go, beeyou! and i'm like, oh, who am i? and he'd be, like, you'rea butt-head.
and then run away, laughinghis little heart out. or i'd wake up for school, andhe'd be standing there. beeyou! who am i? you're a fart-face. always made me a butt-heador a fart-face. once, i'm in you butt-head,fart-face. once, he made me howard hughes, which caught me off-guard.
how do you know whohoward hughes is? howard hughes! and he ran off. i was also asian. i was asian. apparently that was the asianyear of his life. ran off to go applyto stanford. but he was always working onthat thing, add new buttons, add little pieces to it,draw new buttons on it.
he was really proud of it. i remember one day having thatstandard teenager breakdown in my parents' house. it's like, no one understands meor my pain growing up in an upper middle-class suburb wherei'm safe in a supportive environment, and my familycares about me. that's fucking bullshit. and i tell my mom, i wantto be a performer. she's like, well, dogood and apply to a
liberal arts college. fuck you, bitch. you don't know me. and the whole time, he's justrunning along trying to neuralize me. and he'd added like atinfoil piece to it, like another section. he was real proud ofthis neuralyzer. he'd been working on it.
and he's just, beeyou! and i'm annoyed andignoring him. and finally, i justgo, goddammit! stop it! and i'd never yelledat him before. he's a four-year-old. and he was just like shocked. and like a little tear, justlike a single tear ran down his four-year-old cheek.
and then just to destroy me forthe rest of my life, he turned that neuralyzeron himself. maybe you hit your youngerbrother, maybe you framed him for murder; neither of those arenearly as bad as yelling at him and make himgo, beeyou. he didn't even give himselfa new identity. i carried that guiltfor years. i'm such a terrible brother. 10 years later at a familychristmas party, i just moved
to new york, i was back home innew orleans for christmas. i'm drunk. he's a teenager at this point. and he's like, what'snew york like? can i come visit you some day? and my reaction was, [sobs] i'm so, i'm so sorry. i really-- i'm sorry i yelled.
i should have just letyou neuralize me. i'm such a piece of shit. i'm so sorry i yelled at you. i'm so sorry thati yelled at you. and he just calmly goes, what? i don't remember that. that fucking thing worked! it worked, man. he is a genius.
youtube! sean o'connor: give itup for sean patton. give it up for all theperformers you saw tonight. subscribe to them on youtube. follow them on twitter. good night, everybody. thanks for watching. and tune in tomorrow nightfor "collegehumor all-nighter." goodbye.
male speaker: no! all: oh! [shrieks] male speaker: i like it. sarah shneider: i know. male speaker: the all-nighter. male speaker: yes. male speaker: oop. male speaker: comeon, seriously?
male speaker: the all-nighteris an annual event. we've been doing itfive years now. jake hurwitz: it's a night wherewe all stay up and we make as many videos as wepossibly can for you, guys. male speaker: so if you're upstudying all night for finals or you're working the nightshift or you just need a break from all that porn-- male speaker: basically, it'ssort of a personal challenge to us to see how long it takesfor us to completely lose
touch with reality. male speaker: we doa live stream. amir blumenfeld: we're like thelance armstrong of comedy, where we're just enduring,enduring, enduring, making things happen. but at the end of the day,nobody respects us. male speaker: one thing that'sgreat about the all-nighter. is that we get gueststo come in. jake hurwitz: "the whitestkids u'know."
amir blumenfeld: dan mccarthy. jake hurwitz: dan mccarthyis a good one. pete holmes. male speaker: jon gabrus hasbeen a favorite guest of mine always because i think everyyear that goes by, he's wore less and less clothing. jake hurwitz: i think ourfavorite guest is you. just like, you and your-- i'm probably yours, justlike you love--
amir blumenfeld: well, iwould say ben schwartz. male speaker: we askthem to join us. and then they have theprivilege, the honor of coming to work at 4:30 in the morningto shoot a two-minute sketch where they get spaghettidumped on their face. male speaker: that'svery technical. male speaker: come on over tocollegehumor.com or check out the live stream on youtube. male speaker: come join us--
male speaker: --thursday-- female speaker: --may 23-- male speaker: --at 8:00 pm andwatch the all-nighterr-- male speaker: --or justupload a virus and destroy our website. amir blumenfeld: who knowshow long it will go? maybe all night, maybe evenlonger than that. jake hurwitz: it willjust be all night. amir blumenfeld: no promises.
jake hurwitz: we promise. [owl hooting]